"You should've stayed last night, Cass." It was finally lunch and Jackie and I were walking around the camp grounds, looking for a place to eat our lunch.
"So I could've been caught like you guys were?" I say, my mouth full after biting into a peanut and butter sandwich I made in the lunch hall.
"I was not caught!" She argues, screwing the top back on her Coke. "I was almost caught," she sticks her nose in the air as if "almost" being caught changed my opinion. "It's not my fault everyone else was slow and my Dad's assistant saw them."
"You tripped Nash who then tripped Matthew who then tripped Shawn-"
"I know what happened," Jackie cut me off, "I was there." She brought her soda back up to her lips to hide her smile.
"So technically you were the reason they were caught. It had nothing to do with being slow," I tell her taking a seat at a random wooden picnic table we came across.
Jackie sat down across from me and placed the bottle onto the table, "I guess if you wanna get technical, Cass, then yes I am the reason they're in trouble." I smile, happy to be victorious-not the slightly creepy TV show "Victorious" but actually triumphant.
"Whether or not it was intentional is another story," she chuckles, waving a finger at me.
"I'm not having this argument with you," I tell her. Adding, "only because I know I'm already right and don't need your confirmation."
"Yeah whatever," she mutters before looking away. I laugh and take the finishing bites of my sandwich.
"How long do you think the meeting is gonna take?" I say and cover my mouth so no piece of the incredibly prepared PB & J I made will fall out. I worked so hard on this thing before Jackie came and pulled me out the mess hall, and I was determined to enjoy every last piece of it
Before yanking me out, she had asked me if Id seen any of the other counselors and when I said no she told me exactly why. Apparently someone saw us leaving after curfew and told Rob's assistant Mark. Mark doesn't usually stay that late but last night he had to sort some files and someone had snitched. Mark had been looking all over camp last night for the counselors that had been spotted out, and after spotting a light from a flashlight on the other side of the lake, he made his way over. He must've just missed me and Aaron because only twenty minutes after we left Mark showed up. Poor unsuspecting Taylor, Carter, Johnson, and Jack had no chance to run. Mark walked up right behind them and they were officially caught. Jackie, who had just left to look for a place to pee, was one of the few who were pretty far away. She told me she immediately broke into a sprint when she recognized Mark's voice, and later caught up with the others like Cam and Shawn. They all were running as fast as they could by then. During this part of the story Jackie began laughing uncontrollably, telling me that I had to be there. She insisted that the boys, who were only in their underwear and shoes while trying to escape, were the most hilarious thing she's ever seen and I would've died of laughter if I was there. I put aside my sympathy for the boys and laughed. Just imagining the sight made me nearly cry laughing.
"If it was only my dad, probably twenty minutes," she said, still staring off toward the cabins. "But Mark's a totally different guy."
The moment was a rarity; it was quiet. Well, it was quiet for us. Since most of the kids were off eating lunch in the hall, the only exception being the small group of kids leaving their cabins to go have lunch, there was no yelling or shouting and instead it was peaceful. For some weird reason we've never left the lunch hall, and now that I see how much quieter it is out here, I just might have to force my friends to eat out here everyday. It's so open and beautiful out here especially in this time of year. It was now in the end of June and things were going to heat up really soon, so we better enjoy this weather while we can.
"Do you think he'll be harsh with their punishment?" I ask, leaning my chin in my hand.
Jackie gives me an indifferent look. "Why do you care so much?" She huffs and lays down on top of the bench. "Just stop caring."
Just stop caring? Is it that easy? How the hell was I supposed to do that?
I bite onto my lip and rest my head on the table. My wrist was killing me and I needed to lessen the total amount of pain I was feeling in the moment. If I couldn't fix my mental pain, I might as well relieve my physical ones.
Fuck I'm so sensitive, I thought to myself. I really needed to pull myself together.
"I was just making conversation," I mumble, although it was an obvious lie. My lies are always easy to see through and I don't know why I even bother trying to hide stuff anymore.
"Yeah sure you were," Jackie scoffs. "And I bet you weren't asking about the punishment thing just so you could find out just how much poor Cam will suffer." Her words drip with venom and I try, but can't take her sarcasm lightly.
"My life's not always about Cam like you think it is," I defend myself as I shake my head.
It's true though! I have restraint for God's sake. I can think of things other than boys believe it or not, especially Cam. I can force myself to not think about him all on my own Thank You Very Much.
"Yeah well you need to let this whole thing you have with Cam go. It's getting ridiculous," she snaps at me. Where is this coming from? By now she's sitting up, her stare burning into mine, and I'm speechless. "I told you, Alyssa's told you- fuck I bet this is the only thing Alyssa and I could ever agree on! That's when you know something's actually wrong, when we agree!" She scoffs. "You needa shake this thought from your head, Cass! You deserve better than that, than him! He's just gonna hurt you! Just one mistake that's all it takes and you'll both ruin everything! Before you know it you're gonna hurt him, you're gonna hurt your family, you're gonna hurt your friends, and you're gonna hurt yourself! You'll end up loathing yourself just like me-"
Jackie stops herself by covering her mouth with her hands and for a second I swear the whole world went silent. No sound, no movement, not even any thoughts. If I thought it was quiet before, I was wrong. It was quiet now. Incredibly quiet. Maybe even quiet enough to make me want lunches back in the halls everyday. We just sat there, motionless.
Is this what Jackie thought of herself? This laughing, bubbly, sassy girl hated herself? I would've never guessed this is how she felt, but now I know. This goes to show that even the happiest, most smiley, and carefree people can hurt too. You'd never think that, but how often are our thoughts wrong?
"I-" she started, dropping her hands from her mouth. "I didn't mean-" she shook her head and stared down at the table.
"It's ok," I replied and she looked up at me.
Her gaze fell again and I watched her sit there with her own thoughts. "It's mine and Cameron's old anniversary on Friday," she said with both index fingers rubbing her temples, "and all these emotions came flooding in. The biggest one being guilt."
I scoffed at the thought of her feeling quilty. "Really? Guilt?" I questioned. "Guilt is the last emotion you should be feeling. You shouldn't feel guilty for still loving Cameron, you've know him for so long-"
"No no no no," Jackie stopped me, placing a hand up. "Trust me when I say I don't have feelings for Cam that way anymore. I said it to you before and I didn't lie." She enunciated every word so she could clearly get her point across. She said it the same way a foreigner would speak to someone who doesn't speak their language. But I understood now.
I felt an inner piece of me sigh in relief. I wanted to scold myself for doing so since it went right against the whole lecture I got, but now wasn't the time.
I cleared my throat of any trace of happiness and spoke, "oh..." I said. My curiosity wanted me to push for more words from her, and I easily gave in. "Then why do you feel guilty?"
Jackie took in a deep shaky breath and I was pretty sure I saw a gloss in her eyes. Was she going to cry? Oh God, I can't handle seeing people cry. I can't even handle seeing people in movies cry. It was my weakness. If I was a superhero and you wanted to defeat me, no Kryptonite was necessary. All you needed to play was The Fault In Our Stars and you won.
"Because," Jackie exhaled then stopped her sentence to gain composure. "It was all my fault our friend group split apart," she cried, her hard exterior shattering. She had tried so hard to keep herself together, but it was as pointless as fighting against the current.
I raced around the table and pulled her into a hug. Even when crying she made me jealous. Here was this girl I had only known for a couple weeks, crying into my shoulder, and I was envious of exactly that. I envied the fact that she let down her walls to someone shes know for such a short amount of time. I had such a hard time talking to new people let alone turning to them for comfort, I wanted to one day be that strong and sure of myself.
"Jackie, it's not your fault," I said brushing over her hair with my palm. "It was a mistake and you didn't mean it, they can't hold that against you! Everyone messes up once in a while and if they say otherwise then..." I trail off looking for a word to yell out, "then forget them!" I laugh and she does too. "All that anger and hate they have toward each other is much more than you kissing someone else. Don't beat yourself up over this, it's honestly not your fault."
Jackie sniffles and sits up on her own. "You think so?" She asks, wiping her eyes.
"Totally," I chuckle, and wipe away a smudge of mascara under her eye. "And I'm an outsider so I have the best perspective on this all," I tell her.
Jackie frowns and I freak out. Oh god what did I do wrong? Did I say something wrong? Did I mess up her makeup? "Cass, that's not true," she shakes her head. "You're not an outsider, you're one of us. Me, Jack, Aaron, Carter, and Johnson all love the crap out of you!" She smiles for a change.
"What?" I frown and clutch my heart in faux-despair. Jackie's eyebrows draw in out of confusion and I say, "Taylor doesn't love me too?"
Jackie hits me on the shoulder and glares. "You scared me!" She shouts and I laugh.
"Well you scared me too so..." I shrug.
"Fine then, are we officially Even Steven?" She asks and I raise an eyebrow.
"Did you just say..?" She nods without me needing to finish and I laugh again. "Ok then yes. We're Even Steven."
"Wow that meeting is really long," I think aloud while Jackie and I walk. The intercom had just announced that our lunch was extended for another half hour since only five minutes was left of our usual hour and they rest of the counselors weren't out yet.
"I know. It's a little frightening to be honest."
We are now just going in zigzags throughout the cabins, aimlessly walking at this point, and it was getting a little boring. Although I hated awkwardly standing around with Cameron while watching the kids, I think I'd rather do that than continue being as bored as I am now.
Half of our walk was filled with random conversations and getting to know each other better, but there was one question stuck in the back of my mind. I had been debating about whether or not to ask the entire time but now I had come to my decision. I was only scared of her reaction at this point, and I'm pretty sure she is gonna freak out.
"Do you-" I stopped myself, my brain trying to talk my tongue out of continuing. But I wanted to know so bad. "Do you think Cam's a bad person?"
I didn't look to see what her reaction was. Instead I just listened for any sort of response. There was nothing. And let me tell you, when expecting a complete and total meltdown, silence was scary as hell.
I already prepared myself for yelling and screaming but there was none. Now my body was just confused and terrified and lots of other things, and I just wanted to be yelled at. Couldn't she yell at me?
Wow I was asking to be yelled at, that's new.
Jackie sighed and once again all my attention was on her. "Honestly," she began, "I don't. We both were stupid and drink and young. And we still are almost all of those things!" She chuckles. "We both screwed up but... I don't think he's a bad person."
Jackie's eyes scanned the ground we walked on, but I didn't feel like she was hiding anything. Instead I think she was reminiscing. There will always be a place in her heart for her first love but in her mind the Cam around now wasn't the same person.
"Then why are you so against me liking him? Not that I do," I defend myself before getting attacked.
Jackie looked over at me then back to the ground. "I..." She trailed off. "I just..." She shook her head and shut her mouth. I had a feeling I wasn't gonna get anywhere with her on this.
"Well could you at least tell me what happened that night?" I practically begged. I knew nothing besides basic stuff about that night: Jackie was dating Cam, Jackie kissed Taylor, Cam caught Jackie and they broke up along with their humongous friend group. Their friend group was so big, it was bound to break apart. It only called for something so stupid like a break up for them all to pick sides and turn on one another. There really was no need for Jackie to feel guilty, conflict was bound to happen.
"Well it started when we got to the party. Cam and I had just gotten into a little argument, probably about one of the girls who threw themselves at him or maybe even about some guy who had come onto me. Either way the two of us split up and I went straight for the booze. Just for one drink though. Back then drinking was done for fun and it help me let loose, but back then was different from now," she bites into her lip and drops her eyes. She was clearly thinking back to the night when she was obviously passed being buzzed. "Now I drink to forget, but trust me when I say it wasn't always like that. Still, for some reason, that night I was totally wasted. Which is weird because I don't remember drinking that much and neither does Taylor but that's what happens when you suppress memories I guess. No matter how much Taylor will deny it, I know that he regrets it just as much as I do. His and Tatum's relationship got messed up just as much as mine and Cam's did. The only difference being that Alyssa wasn't in love with Taylor, she was-is in love with Cameron though."
"Alyssa?" I question. "How is this her fault?" I fail to see how Jackie getting drunk is Alyssa's fault. She never forced her to drink and didn't force her to kiss Taylor. That would call for a much bigger problem than two friend groups fighting.
"Forget it this isn't- it doesn't- never mind where was I?" Jackie asks shaking her head.
Can you honestly hate someone so much that you blame them for all your problems? This just proves how necessary it was for them all to make amends, so they can all stop blaming each other for the simplest shit.
"You were talking about how you and Taylor were drunk," I remind her.
"Right," she sighs. "Um... Well... Yeah I remember going to get drinks with Andrea- you remember her from the party right?" I nod. "Well I remember I was with her that whole night and from the beginning it was a blur. I remember bits and pieces, and not even she remembered what happened. One moment I was with Andrea and Alyssa and Mahogany dancing and the next I was upstairs, thinking. And thinking when I'm drunk is never a good thing. My mind was reminding me about how Cam hurt me and how I needed to hurt him back. It said that I needed to get even and how Cam didn't deserve me because I'd never hurt him like he hurt me. Funny how next thing I knew I was kissing Taylor and Cam walked in. Nope, I didn't go out and look for Taylor so we could all be even, it was pure coincidence. After Cam came in and slammed the door behind him, I threw up. I threw up all over the floor in Sam's house and ruined a steady relationship and a carpet. Then I vaguely can recall being dragged out and Jack driving me home." Tears brimmed her eyes and I watched as she fought to keep from crying.
"He was disappointed in me, I knew it. Jack didn't say anything the whole entire time we drove but I knew it. Him and Cam weren't best friends but Jack is big on loyalty and that's why he was mad. I was so lucky he's been at my side, I'm not sure what I would've done. Jack's a couple months younger than I am but he's like my older brother and didn't hesitate to choose me over Cam and even Matthew who he used to be best friends with. I hate myself for breaking them up, for breaking us all up. I stayed home for months without talking to anyone but it was Jack who pulled me out of my slump and got me out into the world. That's when I saw the disaster I caused. I saw who chose to be with me and I even tried to call Cam to fix it but he refused to answer. Even when freshman year began, they all ignored me. College was what we were looking forward to and the people who I was most excited to be with disowned me. But I learned to deal with it. I had to."
My heart broke for Jackie. She had to deal with so much shit from people who didn't know the whole story. She was just hurt and found an easy way out. Yes it was the wrong way out but as a teenage girl who was new to this level of heartbreak, it was the only way she knew.
"I just wish I knew what I could do to change everything that happened. Maybe go back on whatever pushed Cam to kiss Tatum," a tear escapes her eye and she immediately turns away, "I don't know."
I reach over and hug Jackie tightly. "It's not your fault," I tell her. "Yes you made some bad decisions but you can't blame yourself for all this. Ok?" She nods into my shoulder and I rub her back. "You're so strong coming out of all that in the shape you're in. So many others would've lost it by now, but with you, no one could tell. Just know it's alright to break every now and then because everyone does. You're truly amazing, Jay."
"I know," she says through tears before chuckling. She's really is stronger than she'll ever know.
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Super mushy I know, but it's just nice to recognize the stuff that isn't recognized on the daily bases. Some really cool peeps out there and hope that could be seen more often!😘