ATTENTION! I have posted Gareth's POV on the "Aware Princess Series (Extra Material)" book, so look for it on my profile. It's titled "Pretty".
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I'm not sure what's wrong but it seems Gareth is avoiding me. Not like I did, but similar. When we run into each other he barely meets my eyes and he usually has to leave quite soon after. We exchange a few words but nothing significant, which feels so weird. I know that's how normally he is, colder even, but never with me. Not after all this time, which makes me wonder what's happening. Is he annoyed with me? Did I do something to bother him?
I think about it a lot, wondering what could make him feel uncomfortable next to me, and then it hits me. My feelings, my obvious and apparently harmless feelings that I just wanted to enjoy are make him uncomfortable. That is the only thing that makes sense in my head, because it must be annoying having a silly girl crushing on you, hanging around you, trying to get your attention when you've clearly have stated you have no interest to have a relationship with anyone.
Ella said to enjoy my own feelings for as long as I could and didn't bother him, but if they have actually started to annoy him, then I should really move on. I don't have the ability to hide my love and adoration, I can't even control my smile when I see him. Of course he must feel troubled. I doubt he expected more than a friend when he talked to me, but instead he got a girl crushing on him, head over heels who keeps hanging around, trying to change what is a fact.
Why do I try to look prettier for him? Because I want him to like me even if he told me he didn't want to like anyone. I'm actually trying to make him do something he is against. Isn't that annoying and a reason to be angry with me? I'd certainly be and I'd try to keep a distance from that annoying person, but without being rude because of respect for the previous friendship.
It was wrong of me trying to seduce Gareth. What a stupid idea! As if I could even seduce him or whatever. That was hopeless from the beginning and what caused was this.
What a bad, bad idea!
And I'm so angry at myself for even trying to change things from how they were that when it's announced a party that night, I don't want to go. I only want to head back home, lock myself in my room and sulk for the humongous mistake I made and how this might cost me my friendship with Gareth.
Of course, that's just the plan in my head because Cece has something completely different in mind.
"Oh hell no," he snaps when I share my plan of just going home after the shooting ends for the day. "Who told you you are allowed to go home? We are going to that party."
"I really don't feel in the mood, Cece," I try to convince him but he shakes his head. I heave a deep sigh, rounding my shoulders as I keep playing with the straw in my coffee.
I came to see him with a coffee for him and I and he was the one who told me about the party. It was Mare's invitation for everyone because she sold certain amount of records, number I can't remember, so her label is throwing a party and she's also inviting everyone in the production. Actors and crew member. I considered it for a second, but then Cece also told me that even Gareth was going so it was a chance for me to try a different approach.
"But why?!" he whines. "Let's go have fun and if you're in a bad mood it'll help you. Come on! Are you really letting me go on my own? Pete can't go because he has a night shoot."
I want to tell him why I don't want to go, about Gareth avoiding me and how I regret ever trying to change his mid and make him see me as something more than a friend. But the words don't leave my mouth, they are stuck in my throat and make me feel so tired because even breathing feels like a difficult task.
I want to go back to last week, when things were nice and friendly. I want to go back to that night he cooked for me, the evening we spent together so comfortably.
Maybe this is how he felt when I was avoiding him, probably not as depressed, but confused and worried, puzzled because I never explained things and he had to figure it out on his own.
"Come on, Ann! Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's g—"
"Fine!" I shout, louder than him just to stop him from keep repeating that. It was causing me a tick. "I'll go, but if you plan on leaving me alone with Gareth or anything like that, I won't talk to you ever again. Got it? You are insisting to go the two of us, so don't leave my side."
"What if I want to use the loo?" he asks. He is fighting the smile, so I know he's only joking.
"I'll wait outside until you come come out, and if you take more than fifteen minutes I'll go inside to look for you."
His scandalised reaction makes me chuckle, which helps to improve my mood a bit. Trust Cece to keep your mind busy with babbling or anything else. Trust him to make you laugh when your heart feels heavy and you can't find the words to actually talk about it. Also trust him to decide to give you a makeover for a simple party, deciding that I needed a stronger look for a party. Sometimes I think Cece sees me as his doll or something like that.
Regardless of that, we go together to the party and are a bit late considering everyone else has arrived already and the party is full going. Many faces are familiar but so many are new to me, and it is really crowded. If Gareth is here as Cece said he would, I doubt I can find him in this sea of people. With my friend we go to the bar to get something to drink, and because there are so many people around, maybe even some paparazzi or whatnot, I settle for just drinking juice so I won't get in any trouble for drinking alcohol and still being a minor.
I greet the people I run into, even some executives from Mare's label that we had to talk to regarding aspects of the contract and to buy the credits of certain songs for the soundtrack. That aside, I spend all the time with Cece next to me. He makes me laugh and even makes me dance at some point. Even if I can't tell him yet what had me in a bad mood, his company makes me feel better.
At some point Cece really has to go and use the loo so I'm left alone for the first time in the night. I don't really mind, I keep myself busy reading emails and checking my schedule for tomorrow. But at that moment I receive a text message that I really didn't expect.
Did you come to the party? —Gareth
I stare at it for a while, with my brain frozen, incapable of thinking of a reply or even to move my fingers to type anything. I just stare at it, surprised that he's asked such a thing.
Yeah —Ann
I reply. Four letters that take me more than what a paragraph would. I'm just still surprised he's texted me at this time and asking that.
Where are you? I haven't seen you and I've been looking for you —Gareth
For a second I think of replying honestly and tell him I'm by the bar, waiting for Cece to come back from the loo, but before my fingers can actually type that answer I realise I shouldn't tell him anything. He's been avoiding me and if my feelings are what have made him feel uncomfortable, then the more reason to stay away because I still like him so much and I won't be able to hide that.
No worries, I won't be staying for too long so don't bother —Ann
I send that instead, even if it's a lie. I'm pretty sure Cece has no intention of leaving yet but I rather say that instead of the truth.
I don't know whom I was trying to fool. Even if we are the closest friends, Gareth has made his mind long ago and why would he change that for me? Who am I to believe I can change his priorities or anything? I shouldn't be that conceited, I'm just a girl, naive and inexperienced. I'm no one special as to dare dream he would make an exception for me and like me back if I tried to get his attention. I should've been satisfied with his friendship, but I got greedy. That was my mistake.
Even for five minutes? —Gareth
My heart flutters when I read his text, a little smile coming to my lips. But I shake my head and stop my self from harbouring hopes. I can't misread what he's doing because then the disappointment will be crushing and I don't have any intention to feel like that. If I don't expect anything then I don't have a reason to be disappointed, right?
I really wanna see you. I don't like anyone else here. I don't even know why I came —Gareth
My heart twist in my chest and I have to bite my lips together. Even if it sounds like a whine and nothing but complains, it's hard not to read something else between those lines. But I can't allow myself to find another meaning. I have to be literal or I'll keep making mistakes. I don't want him to dislike me.
Because I don't know how to reply, I block my mobile and shove it back in my purse. I keep waiting for Cece and push back all thoughts about Gareth and his messages. I don't even think how he probably knows I read the message but haven't replied.
"Cece, hurry up!" I mumble between gritted teeth, looking around for my friend to beg him to leave. And if he doesn't want to, then I'll just say goodbye and leave this party on my own. I'll call Aaron to pick me up or something, even I told my mum before that I would stay at Cece's place so she didn't have to wait for me or worry.
"Ann!" someone calls and I turn hoping to find Cece, ready to beg to leave, but instead I find Gareth. "I found you." He smiles broadly, more than usual, and I would smile back at him if it weren't for the fact all colour has drained my face and even my heart has skipped a beat in surprise.
"I'm just waiting for Cece. We'll be leaving now," I say, although it sounds hesitant. "You didn't have to bother."
"I know, but I realised that if you leave I have no other reason to stay. I don't even talk to any of the people here but you and Cece," he explains, shrugging.
I think he's a bit tipsy. I notice his accent changes, becoming a bit thicker. He normally speaks with a conventional pronunciation, clear so everyone can understand him, but he's left that behind and he sounds a lot more casual now, his cockney accent thick and heavy.
"Do you need us to drop you?" I ask. Maybe that's what he needs, maybe he just wants to go home.
He shrugs before he sits next to me. He rests his elbow on the bar and holds his face on his fist, looking at me carefully. "You look pretty," he says, surprising me. "You always look pretty, though."
I blush, I know it. I can feel my cheeks heating and my heart racing. I'm so flustered that I don't even know what to say, and when he gives me a lazy smile my breath gets caught in my throat.
My eyes dart away, looking desperately for Cece.
"I think I drank more than I should've... or that cocktail was stronger than I thought," he muses as I keep looking for Cece. "I'm saying things I shouldn't. Ann, I don't want to give you hopes."
I look at him again, my heart sinking this time. Even if I was fighting against it, it seems my heart was rebelling and it still built up castles of hopes. His eyes now are a bit sad, sympathetic and I don't need help to understand why.
He's rejecting me... again, even if I haven't confessed.
"I know," I breathe out. I doubt he can hear me above the music, but he can read my lips. My eyes are burning, welling up with tears and he can see them. He tenses and his expression shows worry. "I know and I'll take care of it. Don't worry."
I look away one more time and finally spot Cece coming back. Even from afar he notices my expression, the desperation I'm feeling to leave this place as soon as possible. Without saying a word he understands and when he joins me, his arm wraps protectively around me.
"We're leaving," he tells Gareth after giving him a greeting nod. "See you on set tomorrow."
I can't utter another word, I just bow my head and let Cece lead me outside, leaving Gareth inside, with a worried expression.
This was really a big mistake.
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Poor Ann :( she keeps being rejected and she hasn't even confessed. But well, if you read the bonus content from Gareth's POV (I said at the beginning where to find it) you know why he's doing it.
Fan Art made by the wonderful Charlotte (MacKeown)!
Dedication to brokenfuturehearts
Bel, xx
NU: Friday