Do you ever feel like everything you are is wrong and unfixable?
Do you ever feel like nothing's worth it anymore?
Do you ever feel like they ripped your heart out of your chest and it just dropped down a hole?
Do you ever feel like you're starting to care about things that used to mean nothing to you?
Perfect, that's the exact mixture of what I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead but no, I'm never going to bring myself to that. Death is never the answer and you should never think of it and honestly, if you start considering that you should tell someone and open up to them, let them help you.
I know, I'm not a fan of therapies either, but sometimes telling someone else what you're going through helps, and I admit it.
Anyway, I don't know if hiding here feeling numb and lonely and drowning in self-pity for what seems like forever is a good idea, but in my head it sounded acceptable and decent when I was about to have a breakdown in front of my parents.
This was the situation: It was 3am or so, and raining by about twenty minutes straight whilst I was sitting on the floor outside, in the corner of the stable. Yes, my uncle's stable. If you're wondering how I got there well it's simple, I ran. It's a relief that I'm slender and fast, otherwise I probably wouldn't have made it 'til here. But I think I needed that apparently endless run to make up my mind and clear the thoughts in my head.
After the argument with my mother I tried to sleep it off and get it over with, but I woke up late night, changed my clothes and ran straight here. At first I thought I was over it, I thought everything would be fine. But then all the comments and whispers my parents exchanged behind my back, not knowing I was listening, rose to the top and I just lost it.
I had my head between my knees, my arms hugging my legs tightly, and I was breathing out small clouds from the cold. I took off my black boots and wiped the tears from my face, leaning my head on the hard wall.
No one knew where I was nor was I planning on calling my parents or telling Jenna.
About the rain... I didn't mind getting wet. I've always liked the rain, mostly the slight drops but I was okay with this. It wasn't like there was going to be a thunderstorm and I didn't care about getting a cold or a temperature, it wasn't like me to care about my health at all. I guess I stopped taking care of myself years ago, when my love/excitement over life started fading.
It was weird, I usually didn't let myself down because of my parents' words. Actually, because of no one's words. I had been bullied hard, several times, but I had never been this bad. I don't know what changed, I was probably just tired of being told I needed to change. That might be the problem, I did NOT want to change.
Deep in our heart we know we can all grow up, be more mature, but change? That's a huge bullshit. People never fully change, they start acting a bit differently but in the basis we're still the same.
You can cut the leaves of a plant, you can cut off the stem, but you can't cut off the root too, cause that's underground and if you try to take it in the wrong way, it will ruin the plant. Simple as that!
Despite my pride told me to lay here alone as long as possible, my brain was taking an opposite direction. I pulled out my phone and sniffled a final time before dialing Brian's number.
"Bootyman here." He answered and I rolled my eyes.
"Brian." I thought for a few seconds realizing I actually didn't know what to say. I didn't want it to sound like 'help me, I'm poor' or something like that. I didn't want his pity or his help. I just wanted him to... I don't know, cheer me up a bit? I wasn't asking the right person though.
Stupid Lynn, you should've thought of that. He's not your mother, he doesn't even care at all and he doesn't have to.
"Lynn? Are you crying?" he asked, clearly noticing my shaky voice distinguished by tears.
"What? Don't be silly, I'm not..." I lied, but my voice cracked and betrayed me. I heard him sigh on the other line.
"Don't lie to me, I can hear that. What happened?" I gave up on hiding the pain and decided that it was better to tell him everything and get this weight off my chest.
"I, I got really mad at my parents and- well, I just... I don't know, okay? I feel like all the world is against me and... and I needed to hear a friend voice, and..." I trailed off and bit my lip, immediately regretting this call.
He was probably getting annoyed at me because I was bothering him with my problems, my private life, something that's not his business and doesn't brush against him. I felt so embarrassed.
"Nevermind. Forget this, bye." I tried to hung up but his voice stopped me.
"Wait up! Where are you?" I sighed internally.
"At my uncle's stable."
"Where is it?"
I gave him instructions on how to get there and waited. It was a long wait, I didn't care. I liked the rain being thrown harshly on my head. It's like the sky was crying for me, as if it could understand me better than people. An inanimate thing being sympathetic, Gosh I'm starting to scare myself. How ridiculous am I?
Maybe there's a reason why everyone treats me like this. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I have hallucinations. Maybe I unconsciously caused the rabbit bite by myself, in my sleep. Maybe what I had believed in until now was all a huge lie. They never wanted me like I am now, and it was getting hard to convince myself that I was the one in the right.
I didn't even care that I would get a killer cold and maybe a temperature, it didn't matter. When you stop caring for yourself, it doesn't matter anymore.
After what seemed like forever, a glimpse of light appeared in the distance. It was Brian's truck. He parked nearby the house and hopped off the truck underneath an umbrella, nervously looking around. It was vain, too dark to see anything.
"Lynn?!" he called, still glancing around. My voice was too weak to reply, so I just let out a shaky breath. My throat was burning from the tears and the cold.
He pulled out a pocket torch from his fellow jacket and turned it on, directing it around until it landed on me. The bright light felt a little hot against my cold skin, blinding my eyes for a split second. He ran to me and kneeled down in front of me.
"Nice look." He joked, referring to the so much unwanted mascara streaming down my cheeks along with water.
"Why, thank you." I joked back. I knew he was trying to cheer me up a little, but I wasn't in the mood. He placed the umbrella in a position that left us both covered from the rain and bit his lip.
"Seriously though, what the hell happened?" He asked, suddenly very serious.
"I don't even know, Brian. I never knew. It's all too new for me." I replied, and instinctively leaned on his shoulder for comfort. He hesitantly wrapped one arm around me and let me cuddle into his chest.
"Do you want me to take you home?" he asked, quietly. I wasn't expecting him to be quiet. I thought he would tell me to stop acting stupid and be mature. I let out a humorless laugh.
"Home is the one place I really don't want to be at right now." I replied. I figured he was getting cold, and I had been under the rain for way too long. Temperature guaranteed. But I didn't want to feel any warmth, perhaps I should just stay here and die slowly by the cold. Maybe it was destiny.
"You're a block of ice. I'll carry you to my car."
"No." I protested and he snorted. He looked like he really didn't know what to do. He turned around and motioned for someone else to come over.
That's when another tall figure hopped off the truck and made its way toward us. I didn't recognize the person until they were close enough.
Justin.
"Let me talk to her." Justin said, patiently. Brian nodded and looked at me mouthing "You'll be fine", then went back to his truck. I was very surprised that Brian brought Justin, seeing that he can't stand his sight. But I guess he did it because he knew it would've helped me, it's honestly comforting to know he cares about me this much.
"What's wrong?" Justin asked. He was so calm, he didn't seem fazed by me crying despite I never cried in front of anyone.
"What's wrong?" I scoffed and let out another bitter laugh.
"What is not wrong, Justin? Have you ever asked yourself this? Look at everything 'round here! It sucks! Everyone sucks! You suck when you don't coincide with their expectations!" I exclaimed.
"They wanted the Barbie family picture, didn't they?! Cause we're all dolls in the end! Stupid useless dolls with no emotions, no independence and no intelligence, right?! That's what you end up like when you let them brainwash you!" I laughed a little again, realizing just now that I kept punching the wall behind me.
My fists were starting to ache, but I didn't care. I kept on banging on the wall.
"You know what? Maybe they're right. Yeah, they are the correct ones and I'm the freak! Cause I'm completely insane, I have hallucinations! Dr. Hoppus was right, I probably unconsciously caused the rabbit bite on my wrist. I don't have bunny teeth though, but hey who would believe me? No one. They'd say I procured a freaking rabbit to bite me and talk bullshit." I kept on laughing sarcastically and hysterically, between tears and more punches against the wall.
It was cold marble, but it didn't feel cold. It felt hot, like a blazing flame, sending painful electric shivers to my body whenever my fist hit it.
"No one cares. No one cares, no one cares... I'm just a freaking psycho. That must be it. I have nothing by my side, nothing to hold against their thesis, there's no debating!" my laugh turned into a deeper cry and I buried my face in my hands, trying to stop the tears.
The smell of blood tickled my nose as I pulled my hands away to see the red fluid streaming slowly down the hand I was using to punch the wall. It wasn't a lot though. I scoffed at the sight and let out a loud groan, and moments later I found myself sobbing on Justin's shoulder.
"You're not crazy, at all. Remember? We're not the ones in the wrong. Don't let them change you."
"No, Justin. I have to... I have to let them. I have one day left, how am I supposed to make it? I don't even know what to do..." I sobbed, quietly, holding onto him like glue.
"I've never known what to actually do. At some point, in some cases, it's just better to... give up. That's when you can't stand it anymore and... I can't stand it."
"Don't say that-"
"It's over, okay? I'm done. I'm seriously done with everything. I lost this battle, closed chapter, end of the story. A game is not fun if you already know there's no chance for you to win, so what's the point?" I sniffled
"I don't feel like fighting anymore... What's there to fight for anyway?"
"No, no, no, stop that. The battle's not over yet! You can't call cold case until they send you away. As long as you're here with us and as long as you're willing to keep believing, you didn't lose!"
"No, Justin, shut up! That place does not exist, okay?! I'm just insane. Nothing right now makes sense at all, probably I'll wake up soon after a coma or something like that, like in movies. This is not real, it can't be, and I've been so damn silly to think it could be. It's so damn obvious!" I shouted, counting the beat of my temples and heart, which were racing fast as ever.
I guess I was losing my stress balance. Too much pressure that I wasn't able to handle.
"Nothing is obvious." he replied, trying to sound calm. I gave a humorless laugh.
"Some things are, it's so clear."
"No, they're not." he insisted. "Things that seem obvious to you may be more complicated than you think. For example, the Earth is round. Did you know that?" I scoffed.
"Yeah really? I had no idea!" I replied, sarcastically.
"No, you don't get it. It's so clear for you, isn't it?" I frowned and stared at him. What does he mean?
"You're sure the Earth is round because it's been proven. But think of people hundreds of years ago: they thought it was flat, how would you explain that?"
"Accurate explanation here: They didn't have science methods to know. They just supposed it." I took a deep breath and tried to calm down.
"Yeah, supposed. See? It wasn't so obvious for them. They deeply believed the Earth was flat, and no one thought they were crazy. Everyone agreed."
"It's a very different situation."
"No, it's the same! You can never know what's 100% true and what's not, there's always a spot for doubts, as it should be." he continued. My breathing pattern was slowly turning regular again, and my muscles were starting to relax a bit. It's what I've always said, there's never only one side of the truth.
There are always second options... Basically everything is true and false at the same time. It's crazy, but I believe it. Though, I don't understand if right now I was losing my mind or getting it back.
"Don't you ever wonder how many lies they tell us, whilst we're sure that they're actually the truth?" I looked down and dug my hands in the pockets of my jeans, thinking about it. We may be living in a giant lie and don't even suspect it...
"You always talk about this, Lynn. You taught us. You have doubts, you make us doubt everything. You've always said the truth's never what it seems, forgot it already?" he continued, making sure that I didn't miss a single word.
"Let's talk about the moon. Do you believe that men have actually been on it?"
"Yes. Obviously-"
"Yeah, 'obviously', that's what you're getting wrong. Don't say 'obviously', it's not obvious at all." he cut me off. I raised my eyebrows, a little taken aback, and my eyes were demanding an explanation.
"Have you never heard of the Moon Hoax?" he asked. I furrowed my eyebrows and tilted my head to the side a little.
"Are you talking about the conspiracy theories about Moon landing?" I asked.
"Yes. 6% of American civils have doubts over the Moon landing. Look, I don't think NASA had the appropriate computers to send men on the moon in 1969. Heck, there weren't even cellphones at the time! There were countries ahead of us in technology and science. Some people think everything was a montage." he said, as I started randomly tapping my fingers on my legs, still listening.
"Justin... they're just theories... They have absolutely no proofs..." I trailed off.
"No, they don't. But there's a possibility." he responded.
One minute ago, I would have shot him a weird look, as if he was crazy. But now... I wasn't so sure about my thesis. I wasn't expecting to face a doubt like this.
"Now you have a doubt, don't you? Even slight, but here it is. We're back to normal, aren't we? You're going to give it a chance." he finished, leaving me at a loss for words. I wasn't expecting it to be honest.
The cool breeze rushing though my hair was tickling my neck, making me shiver a little, and it remarked the silence between us. The thing is, I was growing sick of my opposing thoughts. Doubts kept haunting me, I guess I was trying to make them stop. But Justin was right, that wasn't me. I couldn't destroy what I have always believed in, my ideals. I couldn't give up on myself. I couldn't let the doubts get through to me.
I looked away and sighed.
"Okay." I breathed.
"Okay?"
"Yes, okay. I get you. I just..." I shook my head. "Why would this ever be real? How is it possible?"
"I don't know... but remember the bite, Lynn." I unconsciously glanced at my wrist to notice there was a little scar, not disappearing. It didn't feel like a vampire bite, yet there was an actual small scar. There weren't many excuses for that, were there?
"I'm growing used to imagine things. What if we're both going insane?" he shook his head and put his hands in his fellow jacket to warm them up.
"I sure am not imagining things. Neither are you." I bit my lip and nodded.
"We should get in the car now, and bandage your little injury. Some hydrogen peroxide and patience should be enough to heal it." He said, trying to pull on a small comforting smile, and I nodded again. I owed him one.
Incredible, I was so sure of it when all this crap started. I was stubborn, dying to get to a point. It was time for a breakdown, I guess. For all this time I had been cracking and now I was finally breaking.
But after all, I had a feeling what was happening had a purpose. This was kind of a metanoia to me, in which I'm changing my mind for the better. But it's not exactly a change, it's more like an addition of hope that will get me to think more positively, I guess.
Like that Paramore song says, 'Before it gets any better, we're headed for a cliff, and in the free fall I will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom'. I had already touched the bottom so the only thing to do now was look up and start rising again from below.
Also, sometimes you just need to let it out, and I'm not even used to people believing me. It was scary that someone believed in my story almost more than I did... I couldn't let it happen.
Now I had someone by my side, someone to rely on, someone that put their trust in me. I was gonna make it.
This is not just all in your head.
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A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I've just been changing this chapter so many times because I wasn't sure of how I wanted it at first, but now it came out like I wanted so yeah.
Also today the music video for "Fire" came out so we should celebrate!