Edited
cover credits: xaharau
Published: Sunday July 19 2015 7:35 p.m
Ayah:
July 4th
I don't know what to say or do. Here I am standing in front of my husband who I haven't seen in ten months and I don't know what to say. I know I'm happy, but I'm also angry about the fact that he never told me of his arrival. I always thought that when he would come back I would have a whole dinner set up, decorations everywhere to welcome him home. But no. He decided to surprise me yet again but only thinking of himself.
Yes the suprising part was thoughtful of him, but that's not what I wanted. I don't want to be suprsied! I want to know that he's coming before he's here. No one gets it. I guess they thought that I would want something romantic for when he came back--something like this. But I don't. I wanted him all along, but those butterflies I always hear about haven't come; the ones that make you realize how deeply in love you are with that person. But the truth is that we aren't the same anymore.
He doesn't even know me anymore. I don't know how many times I tell people I don't like suprises, but they don't listen. From the start, our whole relationship had been conceived on suprises. Granted I liked some of them a while ago, but I was younger and watched too many sappy romantic movies. I like to think I've grown up since then, which is why I'm not going to take the easy route and run away.
I've been doing that for far too long. I'm not going to act like the happiest girl in the world, because I'm not. I'm going to take the high road and act like an adult.
"When did you get back?" I asked, showing just enough emotion for him not to question my calmness.
Jafar's smile faltered as he cleared his voice, no doubt disappointed that I didn't welcome him with open arms.
"Uh, I got back last night. How've you been, Ayah?"
I shrugged and tried keeping my half-smile on my face. "I've been fine. You?"
"Can you guys ask real heart to heart questions before I cramp up?"
We stopped our sad excuse of a conversation to glare at Jamila, she rolled her eyes and stood up.
"Fine, fine, I'm going. But remember I have videos to confirm you were both tedious during your reunion."
"Jamila!"
"I'm going, Jafar. And give her the flowers before they die of boredom."
As soon as she left, I turned back to Jafar, smiling slightly.
"She's something," I commented.
Jafar smiled at my slightly happy mood and moved forward with the flowers.
"These are for you, obviously."
Chuckling lightly, I took the flowers from his hand and smiled. Red roses. These are the flowers he gave me on our wedding night.
"Do you like them?" He asked hopefully and rocked back and fourth. I nodded and lifted them up to sniff. "Suprisingly Jamila picked them out. She said you'll like them."
My mood faltered as I stared at him. I guess it was wishful thinking to assume he got them because he remembered what flowers he gave me over a year ago.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was coming. I wanted to suprise you--"
"I hate suprises," I stated, looking anywhere than at him. "I've hated them all my life."
"I wanted to do something special," He replied softly. "Even if it meant you didn't like it, I hoped to change your mind."
As I looked up to see the guilty expression on his face, I sighed.
"I know you did, but that doesn't change how I feel, nor will it mean things will go back to normal."
He scrunched him eyebrows in confusion. "What do you mean?"
I don't want to be mean to him, but it doesn't change how I feel. I can't just let him come back and act like everything is normal and then he leaves again. I just can't...
"I mean that we can't go back to the way we were before you left. It can't happen."
"Ayah, you're my wife," He stated, and I looked at him in disbelief.
"If that's true, where were you the last ten months, because it sure didn't feel like we were anything but distant friends. Don't pull that card."
Jafar came a few steps forward with determination written across his features.
"Ayah, I wanted to come back, I did, but I couldn't. I had to prove that I could live the dream when everyone thought I would fail. I had to prove that I didn't leave you for nothing."
"That may be true, but I can't. I can't be the same Ayah that you left behind. I won't be Jafar!"
I turned around to walk away when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I stiffened and took a deep breath to calm down before I faced him.
"Ayah..."
"No," I shook my head, my voice cracking slightly. "Just let me go. I need some time."
"How much time?" he questioned, hesitantly taking his hand off my shoulder.
"I don't know," I answered. "But right now I need to go. So please..."
Jafar nodded and let me walk away. I didn't want to do that, it hurt too much. It felt like my heart was aching just to walk away from him. Afterall, I still love him. But I know it's the right thing to do. If I don't do this now, I will forever be hurting.
-*-
July 6th
Two days. I've been basically dead to the world for two days, staying inside my room watching sad movies like Dear John and Romeo and Juliet. I would watch Titanic but I don't exactly like that movie.
I've got chips to my right, soda to my left and ice cream in the middle. And it just so happens that I don't need to make salaat, so I can stay in my room all day, with the occasional potty break of course. So many people have tried to come and talk to me, but I won't budge. Even Jamila came in to cheer me up by saying I look like I got dumped by Mr. Popular. If we weren't really close, she would have been gone as soon as she said that. But Jamila and I are sisters, even though the person connecting us is banned from seeing me, courtesy of his older sister Tehreem. She came in the night of the Fourth for a visit, and when she heard what Jafar did, she was equally upset.
But that doesn't mean she agrees about me splurging on sweets. But I'm stressed. After all desserts is stressed backwards. I snorted. Yeah, I'm definitely being the adult.
"Ayah, I know you're upset, but you have to get over this and deal with your problems. Yes, Jafar suprised you--his wife when he got back, and you fault him for trying to make it up to you. I'm upset about the young mans decisions to leave for a year, but act like a woman and tell him. Don't use the speech about needing space. All you need is each other."
"It's hard to welcome someone who made you go through so much pain with open arms."
Mama sighed and came to my bed to sit next to me. She wrapped her arms around me and beganrocking me as I felt sorry for myself on her shoulder.
"I'm only doing this once for you because you need to be strong. I didn't raise my daughter to let the simple things get her down."
"Thanks," I said bitterly and she laughed.
"This is me caring, Ayah. If I cradle you all of your life, you're going to do nothing but run from your problems."
"I understand," I assured her and lifted my head up off her shoulder. "I will clean up later, but right now I need to sulk."
"One more day, okay?" She questioned, looking at me pointedly.
"One more day until I get up and take a shower, but not for addressing Jafar. I need more time."
"Okay," Mama nodded in understanding, "Just remember to follow your heart."
I'll try my best.
-*-
Jafar:
"Please, Jamila? If she won't talk to me, she'll talk to you."
It's been two days and no one is telling me crap. It's always the same thing with Ayah wanting time, but I didn't think she would end up going MIA for two days. And the thought of me causing this is making me even more upset. All I wanted to do was show her how much she means to me, but the whole leaving her for ten months doesn't help. Not to mention when I talked to Jamila about her whole mood changes, she filled me in on all the things I did wrong.
How could I be so stupid as to forget the meaning of the red roses?! Yes Jamila picked them out, but that's because I asked her to get them because of the sentimental value. Maybe I should have explained that.
"I'm mad at you, you know?" She stated giving me one of her death glares.
I nodded from where I sat across from her on her desk chair.
She raised an eyebrow. "So why should I help you?"
"Because you love me?" I tried but she just smirked. "Fine. Because you love..." I trailed off not wanting to say it.
Jamila knowing that I was struggling with it smiled.
"Oh, come on! If you want my help, say it."
"You love Jayah! Because you love Jayah, will you help me?"
"Yes," She nodded, smiling in amusement. "Since you finally realized that the whole Muslim world ships you, I will help."
"How does the whole Muslim world know that I'm married? Allen kept that a secret."
"As if I care what he thinks," Jamila scoffed. "I have a blog that is catered towards Jayah. Your fans know."
"You're devious," I glared and she smirked.
"I've been trying to tell you this for years."
-*-
July 9th
"You cheated," Wasim whined and began sulking on the couch.
I laughed. "Even If I wanted to, how do you cheat at Mariokarts?"
"You just do," He grumbled, but perked up at the sound of his phone. As he read the notification, he grumbled.
"What's up with you?"
"It's just Abu," He clarified and began hitting the buttons harder that usual.
"Is it bad?"
"He's just telling me about the latest and greatest colleges that could possibly offer me a full ride."
That does sound like our father. When I was a little older than Wasim, he tried to get me a full ride to play basketball many times which I refused. It was just a game to me. Sure I could play it better than most, but that's not the profession I wanted to live off of. Being a musician wasn't what he wanted me to do. It's been downhill from there.
"I know what you mean," I mumbled and dodged a banana peel. I hate those things!
"I like football and all, but I want to own my own company or something like that. What if I got hurt? Who would be paying the price then?"
"Yeah, I know what you mean, but don't choke under pressure, okay?"
"What's with the heart to heart?" Wasim laughed. "I'm sixteen, remember? I'm at the age where all we do is go through pressure."
"Yeah, but I was in your shoes not too long ago." I reminded him. "Just don't do anything stupid."
"Well," Wasim sighed. "No promises."
-*-
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