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Chapter 22: Just one song
"Overcoming the anger, depression, or guilt is the first thing single moms have to attend to before they can be effective at parenting."
***
Nakakatawang isipin na nabubuhay tayo sa generation na sobrang ayos lang sa isang lalake o babae na tratuhin ka nang masama and that it's translated into love, so you have to take them back.
Katulad nalang ng Disney Princesses. They're what almost every little girl wants to be and they show us that without a prince to change us, we can't achieve anything. Parang si Belle, she's the prime example. Matalino siya, independent pero na-in love pa rin siya sa isang prinsipe who essentially kidnapped her and treated her like a complete crap, still she thinks it's perfectly okay and that he's just misunderstood.
I guess that's just the feminist side of me coming out but our society was so completely warped by this way of thinking and it was annoying.
I was awoken abruptly from my reverie when I felt Amiel's arms snaked around my waist.
"Chesca, you're smoking again." He breathed in my ears.
Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa lamig lang ng panahon kaya tumaas balahibo ko o dahil sa posisyon namin ngayon at sa pagtama ng hininga siya sa leeg ko, I really don't know.
Andito ko ngayon sa veranda sa may second floor, pinapakalma ang sarili ko. The kids are sleeping and Amiel's still here.
Huminga ako ng malalim at hinawakan ang kamay niyang nakapalupot sa'kin, kahit naka silk na robe ako ramdam ko pa rin ang lamig ng Baguio pero with him at my back, hugging me close to his body, I could already feel the warmth surging through me.
"I just need to smoke, pang una ko pa lang ito don't worry." Sabi ko saka ko tinapon yung yosi sa ashtray.
Pag stressed talaga ko hindi ko pa rin mapigilan manigarilyo. Old habits die hard nga siguro, but I make sure naman na hindi ako nakikita nung tatlo kapag nag sisigarilyo ako.
"You looked bothered kanina pa sa dinner, you were spacing out." Napahinga ako ng malalim, paano ko ba sasabihin sakanya yung mga nangyare kanina sa labas with Roland?
Naramdaman niya siguro na hindi pa rin ako mapalagay, he put his head above my left shoulder.
Next thing I know, mas kumalma na yung katawan ko. Amiel has this effect on me, kalmado talaga ko kapag katabi ko siya o kapag yakap niya ko.
He's the sweetest, alam na alam niya yung epekto niya sa'kin. I know he's doing this on purpose.
"What did that dbag tell you?" Mahinahon niyang tanong.
Hindi ako kaagad nakasagot sa tanong niya, iniisip ko pa kasi kung sasabihin ko ba o hindi.
Well, he's my best friend after all.
"He wanted me to admit that the triplets are his." I stated.
Mas humigpit yung yakap niya sa bewang ko at bumuntong hininga siya.
"You have to tell him, Chesca."
"I know, but I denied it to him. I slapped him, hit him instead. My head exploded from pent-up anger. I just realized how childish I was pagkapasok ko nung bahay. Bigla nalang akong parang bulkan na sumabog sa galit after he told me that he's sorry and he's ready to father my children if they are his."
Inalis ni Amiel yung yakap niya sa'kin at iniharap ako sa'kanya.
"Overcoming the anger, depression, or guilt is the first thing single moms have to attend to before they can be effective at parenting. That's what my mom told me, sabihin ko daw yan sa'yo. Pero dapat tapos ka na sa phase na 'yan e." He said while gently stroking my cheek with his right hand.
I fought the urge to close my eyes from his touch, "Alam ko napatawad ko na siya, but I don't know what came over me. Parang lahat bumalik e."
"Lahat bumalik?" He asked, raising a brow at me.
Napaiwas ako ng tingin at hindi siya sinagot.
Dahil ako mismo frustrated.
Hindi ko nga alam na kahit pala napatawad mo na yung isang tao pwede pa rin pala bumalik lahat ng sa'kit kapag pinaalala nila yung masama nilang ginawa sa'yo.
He cleared his throat before speaking again as if iniiwasan niya din yung topic na gusto ko din iwasan.
"Pero normal lang siguro yan, because you just got the apology you deserve." He said and gave me a faint smile.
"I guess so, kasi ngayon... wala naman na kong nararamdamang galit sa'kanya parang nagulat lang din talaga kong makita siya dito kanina. Hindi lang ako kumportable sa presensya niya. But I guess I'm good. "
"Great, because incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't. Mag aanim na taon na ang nakalipas, kung si Roland may kasalanan sa'yo, sa mga anak niya wala. He deserves to know, the triplets deserve to know who their father is."
Napaisip ako sa sinasabi niya, hindi rin kasi siya lumaki sa isang buong pamilya, his dad knocked up her mom when they were senior in high school but his dad migrated without knowing his mom was pregnant. I understand where he is coming from.
"I get it, I'm just afraid and not yet ready to share them. Lalo na sa lifestyle na meron siya ngayon. I don't think it would be good for my children."
"You'll never know."
"Wait, are you defending him?"
"What? No, sa perception ko lang... lalaki din kasi ako. If I was the father of your children, I have every right you have. I deserve to be at least formally introduced to them that I am their dad."
"Every right I have? Simula day one he wasn't there. I was alone-"
"Di mo yun masusumbat sa'kanya na mag-isa ka lang for years 'cause you had a choice to tell him but you didn't. Kung wala man siya sa unang apat na taon ng buhay ng mga anak niyo, it wasn't his fault kasi hindi niya alam."
Lumayo ako sakanya saka ako umiling, hindi niya alam ang sinsabi niya,
"Kung hindi niya ko sinaktan, kung hindi niya ko hinayaang umalis, if he didn't break my heart edi sana ngayon masayang pamilya kami."
Napatahimik siya sa sinabi ko, hindi na siya nagsalita instead bumuntong hininga nalang siya.
Because he knows I'm right.
"But I guess you have a point and you know what, he seems persistent to be back in our lives at dun ako kinakabahan."
"Our?" Dun naman kumunot ang noo niya.
Seloso din talaga 'tong isang to.
I shrugged. "Kapag nalaman na niyang anak namin yung tatlo, whether I like it or not, he will always be a part of my life. Tatay siya ng mga anak ko, he will always be in the picture once I admitted to him the truth." I said nonchalantly.
Realization flooded his face saka siya tumango, biglang nalang naging distant yung mata niya. "Whatever happens, I'm just here- your best friend." Sabi niya and he smiled sadly and kissed me on my forehead before he walked out of my room.
Nalungkot ako bigla, because I just realized one thing.
We both love each other dearly but we're not in love with each other, may malaking pagkakaiba yun.
And I also realized another thing, nang makita ko si Roland, nang lumabas lahat ng mga salitang sinabi niya sa bibig niya.. I knew deep inside my heart I still hope.
Hope that we could be at least cordial to each other, to be good parents for our children pero hindi pa ko handa para doon. Parang hindi naman ganon kadali ang lahat.
Dahil nang makita ko din siya parang isa-isang bumukas ang mga sugat sa puso ko at ang mga sakit ng kahapon.
Kung bumabalik ang mga sakit ng nakaraan, posible din bang bumalik yung pagtingin ko sakanya?
I need a shrink, seriously.
***
Kinaumagahan, dahil hindi naman ako masyadong nakatulog bumangon na ako kaagad para ipagluto ng breakfast ang mga anak ko.
When I'm in the house, no one is allowed in my kitchen. Gusto ko, ako lang ang nagluluto para samin kapag andito ko. I love doing this for my children.
I love taking care of them. Simula sa mga pagkain na kakain nila, damit na susuotin nila at sa iba pa nilang gamit at mga bagay na kailangan, gusto ko ako ang pumili, bumili at maghanda nun para sakanila.
What's the point of having nanny, do you ask?
For simply looking out for them when I'm not around, but when I'm here ako ang mag-aalaga sa mga anak ko.
I prepared Xandrei's favorite, English-Muffin Egg Pizzas, mana kasi siya sa'kin he loves pizza but knowing it's a junkfood nagisip ako ng alternative na food na magugustuhan niya din.
I also made their favorite Yogurt and Granola Parfait. Layering the ingredients in a pretty glass will make my children think they're eating dessert, not breakfast. They'll get a much needed dose of calcium and a big energy boost to start off their day.
Naghanda din ako ng paboritong pagkain ni Xander at Xandrine, Farina with Apricots and Almonds.
Habang inaayos ko sa mga bowl nila yun' napailing nalang ako nang sumagi sa isipan ko na paborito din ni Roland ang Almonds but he hates apricots tho.
Sht. I'm starting to think about that a$$hole again.
After I prepared their breakfast nag umpisa naman akong magluto ng breakfast namin nila Kylie at nung mga yaya nung triplets.
Habang nagluluto ako narinig ko na sila na bumaba pero knowing their morning routine hindi ko na muna sila pinansin.
Alam ko na lalabas sila para panuorin ang pag taas ng araw habang nababalutan pa ng hamog ang paligid, so I just carried on cooking classic fried rice, ham, hotdog, bacon and started chopping my fruits and yes, I still drink lemon-cucumber water with mint leaves to maintain my flat tummy.
Matapos kong maluto lahat nagsimula na kong i-set yung dining table.
I was placing the utensils in their right places when I heard the piano playing and his familiar voice.
You fix your make up, just so
Guess you don't know, that your beautiful
Try on every dress that you own
You were fine in my eyes, a half hour ago
Napako ako bigla sa kinatatayuan ko, konting pagitan lang ang meron sa dining room at sa living room kung saan andun ang grand piano ko kaya rinig na rinig ko ang pagkanta niya.
If your mirror won't make it any clearer I'll
Be the one to let you know
I got lost in the moment. I got lost in between the melody that was his voice. Yun pa rin ang effect ng pagkanta niya sa'kin. Sobrang ganda talaga ng boses niya.
Pabilis nang pabilis yung kabog ng dibdib ko lalo na nang mag sink in sa'kin yung kantang tinutugtog niya.
He composed and written that song for me. He sung that for me too many times.
Out of all the girls
You're my one and only girl
Ain't nobody in the world tonight
Hindi ko namalayan na dinadala na pala ako ng sarili kong mga paa papunta sa living room. Parang nagkaron sila ng sariling buhay.
My heart was almost breaking when I saw the beautiful sight I've been dreaming of.
A tear rolled down my face when I saw him playing the piano, Xander was sitting on his left and Xandrei on his right while Xandrine was sitting on his lap.
I don't know but I feel the need to hide, itinago ko yung sarili ko sa gilid ng isang malaking Porcelain jar na nasa may doorway ng living room. Nakatagilid sila sa'kin kaya kita ko yung mga facial expression ng mga anak ko, they seem to be having fun and they really appreciate his music, even si Xander na masungit napapangiti niya sa pagkanta niya.
All of the stars, you make them shine like they were ours
Ain't nobody in the world but you and I
You and I
Ain't nobody in the world but you
I was breathing so hard. Nakatingin lang ako sakanila hanggang sa matapos ang pagkanta niya. Ni hindi ako nakagalaw sa pwesto ko.
Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit hindi ko mapigilan yung mga luha sa pagpatak. When he was done singing, my triplets clapped their hands.
They were really amazed. Kahit naman ako e, ganito na yata talaga lagi. Lagi nalang akong amazed kapag tumutugtog siya lalo na alam ko na para sa'kin yon.
Just one song, Roland. All it took was one song to bring back these stupid butterflies in my stomach.
I am really in trouble.
"You sing really good, Kyle." Pa-cool na sabi ni Xandrei.
"Yes Mr. Kyle, you sing well." Nakangiti namang sabi ni Xander, showing his dimple. Mukhang maganda ang gising ng anak ko huh. Ano kayang sinabi sakaniya ni Roland para ganyan siya kabait sakanya?
Bumaba naman sa pagkaka-kalong si Xandrine and gave him a high-five.
Ngumiti lang si Roland sakanila at ginulo yung bangs nilang tatlo.
"Thank you kiddos, that was your mom's favorite song by the way."
Napakunot ako ng noo, feelingero si gago. Di kaya oy!
Kumunot ang noon i Xandrine at agad naman kinontra ang sinabi ni Roland, "No, mom's favorite song is Forget you. She always plays that song inside the car and I heard her singing it too in the shower," She said and started to sing the chorus, "I see you driving 'round town with the boy I love and I'm like forget youuu..woooo-ooo-oo!"
Natawa ko bigla sa pagkanta ni Xandrine at sa mga facial expression nung tatlo.
Medyo natatawa-tawa si Xandrei dahil sa kapatid niya ganon din si Xander pero si Roland mukhang gulat na natatawa din at amazed sa pagkabubbly ni Xandrine.
"Oh ate, bakit ka nagtatago dyan?" Napapikit nalang ako nang marinig ko yung boses ni Kylie sa likod ko.
Dun namin naagaw yung atensyon ng mga bata at ni Roland.
"Mommy?" pagtawag sa'kin nung tatlo.
So no choice, lumabas na ko sa tinataguan ko, nag wave ako sa kanila saka ko nilingon si Kylie.
"I'm not. I was looking for my... for my earrings. Yes, for my earrings parang nahulog yata dito ee." I lied.
Tinignan niya naman ako na parang hindi siya naniniwala saka siya napatingin sa pwesto nila Roland and her eyes almost popped out from their sockets.
"Kuya Roland?!"
Nang tignan ko si Roland he almost mirrored Kylie's reaction.
Kuya?
Now I'm lost, totally lost.
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Bitin, I know. Lagi naman eee hahahaha! May kasunod pa to dont worry, upload ko din bukas. Pasensya na natagalan sa pag update, sobrang dami nangyare for the past few weeks.
Nacoma lola ko, after 11 days sa ICU she died, so umuwi kami sa probinsya namin. Tapos, naging busy din sa bahay and nag birthday ako. Tapos grabe pa yung writer's block ko, sobrang wala akong masulat. So yeah, sorry sa napakatagal na update. Babawi ako, dalasan ko na update.
Penge lang ng thoughts niyo about Reckless, comment guys please! Nakakatulong kasi yun kapag may major writer's block ako at wala talaga akong masulat.
So please, keep posting comments. Salamat! :)
1:00 am
08/10/2015
|iamhilarious|