Chapter Ten
Aithne
In my dreams they haunted me—each one beckoning me to choose them, longing and hunger filled their eyes. The events of the past few days had left me completely torn, and I wasn't surprised my pillow was wet from tears.
My heart was heavy as residual emotions churned within me. Confused, I dressed quickly and headed to the one place I knew I could find some semblance of peace—my mother's grave.
My slippered feet flew over the ground as I was drawn to the small marker Papa and Owen had created for her. Even though she'd been gone several years, the pain of missing her—not seeing her—still hurt. The hole that was left especially ached during moments like this. She would have counseled me in the matters of the heart, and even though she wasn't here, she remained one of my truest confidantes.
I picked a few wild flowers and continued on. My spirit lifted as I approached her final resting place. Walking reverently, I slowed my pace, knelt before her, and wiped away the fallen debris that had collected around the wooden cross.
It was simple, but had been crafted with absolute love. I remember watching while my father and brother exchanged favored memories as they had built it and then worked on carving a small name plate. Never had I doubted my mother was devoted to her family, and by the time they were finished creating the grave marker, more tears and laughter had been shared.
My fingers trailed over her name—Sorcha Gowan. I closed my eyes, trying to recall how it sounded when we called her and she responded. It was barely a whisper now, and my heart hurt realizing the time would soon come when I wouldn't remember. I reminded myself that I would always know how it made me feel, but it still filled me with a flitter of panic. I didn't want to lose that part of her.
"Morning, Mama," I spoke with a low voice. Removing the old flowers, I arranged the freshly picked ones so it looked like spring had chosen this one spot to bless with its beauty. I'd made sure I'd selected her favorites, and I imagined her being able to smell their sweet fragrance up in Heaven. "There's so much to tell you. I wish you were here."
I drew both Hadrian and William to my mind which brought the tangled mess of feelings my dream created. What had seemed like a fantasy come true—an adventure at first—had soon become a nightmare. Two men held my heart in their hands, and I did not know which choice was correct.
"I'm in love, but it isn't like you think. I scarcely know how it occurred—things like this don't happen—but I find myself torn between the affections of both a Fae and a childhood friend. For the first time in my life I cannot determine which path I should follow—the fulfillment of a young girl's fairytale fantasy, or a future that will be filled with love and promise. The deeper I fall, the more fickle I feel. I know a decision must be made before someone gets hurt and I try—truly—but then something happens. A touch or glance from either one and I'm confused again. I wish you were here, Mama. Show me what to do."
Tears fell gently as I stared pleadingly at the sky. If only I could reach up, pluck her from the heavens, and bring her back to me. It wasn't fair she was there—hidden—when I desperately needed her counsel. Even though there have been many instances where I've missed her, this morning I noticed her absence more keenly.
In the beginning I used to come here daily, bringing a new bargain to offer God if he'd return my beloved mother. I would sit dawn to dusk, baring my soul until my eyes drooped in exhaustion, and my father would send Owen to fetch me. Weeks turned to months and still she remained in the world of spirits. Those childlike pleas resurfaced in my thoughts and my tears turned to sobs.
Whether it was my own imaginings or a small parting of the veil, her voice sounded as though it floated across the air, carried by a gentle breeze. Tell me of these men.
I smiled and picked up one of the flowers. I twirled it between my fingers as I responded to her invitation. "Both of them are so unlike, and they stir up different feelings within me. I met Hadrian down at my favorite spot by the river, and the moment I saw him, I was captivated. Even though he's Fae, and any love we feel is forbidden, I can't help it. Each second we're apart eats away at me. He fills my thoughts and dreams, and when he whispers there can be no future for us . . . I feel like I may die. Enchantment or not, I need him and find myself imagining ways for us to be together always. It would be simple, so very simple. But then came William."
I let out a sigh as I was flooded by memory after memory of him. He, who had at first started as a friend and childhood confidante, was now much more. My feelings were more than a crush, I knew William stirred something within me, and my heart had easily fallen for him. He was everything a girl could ever want, and had it not been for Hadrian, my decision would be easy. I would throw myself at him, hold on tight, and follow him for the rest of my life. Loving William and being his wife would fill me with such joy. As I let out a wistful sigh, an image came unbidden to my mind—his eyes stared into mine, his countenance filled with emotion.
As I quickly spoke of the endless possibilities life had to offer with him, it made the choice easier. Hadrian could give me brief moments, but William would give me a lifetime. I chided myself for how blind I was and how easily I'd allowed fantasy to overrule my common sense. But one thought of Hadrian's smile and the wonder I experienced as I watched him reveal his magic, and I was thrown back into the endless cycle of uncertainty.
"What would you choose? The future you'd always dreamed of? Or your childhood fantasies brought to life?" I whispered.
I listened for her answer on the breeze, but heard nothing. I stared at the sky, hoping some kind of sign would appear, but the clouds still kept their secrets. I was all alone.
"Oh, Mama," I cried, wiping away the steady flow of tears, as a certainty hit me. The decision was solely mine, and no amount of questions would change what I knew was true. My heart held the answers. I just needed the courage to uncover and follow it.
The cropping of trees drew my attention as I looked about. Standing, I brushed the grass from my gown and walked toward it, searching. I knew Hadrian could appear anywhere—was he there now, watching? Waiting?
Suddenly I needed to see him, and I ran the remaining distance. Everything made sense when he was near me, and I called his name as I weaved through the trunks.
"Hadrian, where are you? Please, if you're here, show yourself?"
Stopping, I turned, scanning the area for the first glimpse of him. Nothing.
"Please!" I cried out louder. "I'm so confused!"
I darted to different trees, peering around them, expecting to see his beautiful face staring back at me. I longed to find myself trapped in his strong embrace as he chuckled, enjoying our small game of hide and seek. No matter how hard I searched, he wasn't here.
Gathering up the fabric of my dress, I ran as though the gates of Hell had opened, releasing beasts determined to devour me if they caught me. I raced away from my mother, thoughtlessly, and allowed my feet to determine the destination.
All the while, I studied each tree, every entrance to Farnsworth Forest for him. Silently I prayed that when I got to wherever I was heading, my answer would be awaiting me. The inner turmoil was becoming too much, and my breaking point quickly approached. I contemplated the idea of simply running until I was far away from both of them—giving up my chance to find happiness with either—but I dismissed the thought. I knew I was too far gone. In that moment, all I saw was heartache in my future.
I found myself on a path I recognized. I passed the landmarks daily on my way to the river. My heart lightened and then dropped as I continued on past the turnoff that would lead me to Hadrian. My feet refused to stop until they finally brought me to my journey's end.
I blinked as I surveyed my surroundings. This was not at all what I'd expected. Flittering sensations started in my stomach and rapidly spread to my chest as the butterflies began their dance.
I stood outside the blacksmith forge, the heat from inside radiated out, caressing my skin. I could hear the steady pounding of the hammer on metal, and I crossed the remaining distance without thinking. Entering the building, my gaze found William's surprised one.
I couldn't turn away as I watched him put down his project and wipe his hands on the side of his trousers. Not knowing how to explain my sudden appearance, I turned to flee, but the sound of my name stopped me. Just one word and I was lost again.