Ryan slept the night over Alicia's so it was pretty awkward for me to pull up and sit out in unwanted territory for a couple of minutes. His hair was in wild curls all over the place and he had a pair of sweatpants on, a shirt and sandals. I wish I knew what went on in the kid's mind.
We decided to go to a creek by our old high school, a scenic place that was hidden behind trees and hills. A bunch of teens usually came down here on the weekends, for underage drinking and typical shenanigans. I know, because I was one of them.
We settled in a spot by the small river, where tons of little fish swam around and the water made a beautiful, atmospheric sound. If only I felt as beautiful as the area I was in.
Ryan was next to me smoking like the typical pothead he was, and this time I didn't take any when he offered. He took that as a sign that we were here for something serious, and not some type of raunchy rendezvous.
"Ryan, we need to talk. About last night." I said. My eyes stayed on the flow of the river and my ears focused to find the stable sound of the cicadas. "I said some things that I'd like to take back."
He exhaled a puff of fumes before looking at me. "And what's that? That you loved me?" A deep cough came from this throat. "'Cause I don't think it was a lie."
I scoffed. "Yeah well, it was. I was intoxicated. I was saying the first thing that came to my head, so I would appreciate it if you-"
"You're saying this because Tyler said something, aren't you?" He interrupted. "He probably saw that hickey and flipped out on you to make you feel bad, because of his insecurity. So now you're here, forcing yourself to say that you don't love me, when me and you both know that it's a lie. You love me, Savannah. And Tyler is just mad because he can't compare to me." Ryan took a hit of his blunt and exhaled the smoke out of his nose. "Typical."
My stomach became heavy with anger and a sense of uneasiness. "Ryan, you may think that you know me like the back of your hand. And you actually might, since we spent so much time together. But I'm going to tell you now, don't insult Tyler. He made me feel better about myself. He made me feel worthwhile. He sacrificed so much for me, when he didn't have to. And because of that, I appreciate him. You don't have to get mad because I'm actually beginning to move on."
Ryan turned his head towards me, his green eyes giving off the feeling of a cold monolith standing tall upon a hill of grass. "Are you saying this for yourself, or for me? I know what I know Savannah, and I know you. I know you better than your own parents. That's why they couldn't stand us, me especially. We did things that no one else could understand, things that frustrated them to an astronomical level. To the point where your mom would scream-"
"No, Ryan, she didn't." I cried out. "She did the things she did because I wasn't benefiting myself like I could have. I was stripping myself raw, into some slab of meat that was being tenderized by everyone's contradicting expectations towards me. You always wanted me to do something crazy, like skip school, sneak out of the house at 3am, sneak you into my house at 3am, fuck in your parents bed while they were downstairs, hell, we even fucked here one night during a football game didn't we?
"We were some fucked up kids doing fucked up things because we had nothing to lose. This is why I am the way I am now- bitter, crazy, and paranoid. I live with these things, these antics we always pulled and I'm constantly looking for thrill in my life. I'm a borderline deadbeat twenty year old, who has a part time job and dropped out of college. Where's the thrill in that? I look out of the window, fantasizing about all the trouble we got into in our teenage years, and boy is it nothing compared to the trouble I'm in now." I ran a hand through my brown waves, feeling the burning sensation behind my eyes. I managed to find a way to stand up in the middle of me talking.
Ryan threw his blunt into the ocean after taking one last hit, and stood up. "Savannah, you think you're not living up to people's expectations as we speak? Tyler expected you to drop me like some bad habit, so you came back over to pick me up. So like I said earlier, you yelling at me is just forcing yourself to believe what you're saying. It's not going to happen. I'm your first love. My impact on you will always be there. That's one thing I can promise you." He sauntered over, placing his hands on my arms. "Another thing I can promise you, is that I can make you feel so much better than he can."
His lips crashed onto mine. They were dominating and powerful, just like they always were. Before I knew it, his tongue was in my mouth swirling around mine. I had to stop him, but Christ it felt so good. I used my hands to grab his sharp jawline, and push him off of me. "Ryan, stop. Get off of me, please."
A side smile appeared on his face before he dipped his head again. "You and these expectations. You like it, just let go baby." His lips went to my cheek than behind my ear, and before I knew it, his hands were gripping the button of my shorts. It did feel good, but I couldn't let him do this.
"I hate you Ryan, I hate it when you get like this!" I shoved him off of me hard enough for him to stumble back. "You always get high when I need you to be serious! You can't keep your hands off of me, and you don't love me Ryan. You stopped loving me when you hooked up with Jess, all you want from me is something to stick your dick in. I'm still on my period, and no even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I would still say no this time!" Tears were falling down my face, and I wiped them away as fast as possible.
Ryan stared at me, the high still pumping throughout his body. "What are you talking about Savannah? Come here, you know I want you." He walked towards me, hands going to my waist. I smacked them away.
"You're just like your dad." I spat. "You're just like your shitty, good-for-nothing dad. You drench women in this, this coaxing, confidence boosting thing and leave it there and let it seep through the cracks in their skin. And once it's in their veins, you leave. You leave, and you leave your mark to rot in the woman. The both of you suck, and will never learn how to properly love a woman. You can't stand up for yourself because you're weak, so you decided to follow in your dad's footsteps.
"And what did he do? Abuse your mom and kick her out the house. You thought that was okay, that woman can't stick up for themselves, that they're weak and they fear men. That's why you came to me, Ryan. Because I showed you different. You were interested in me so much, that you stayed with me. I showed you what true love was. Just like your mom did to your dad, but your dad didn't fucking care because he was selfish, just like-"
"Shut the fuck up, Savannah." Ryan bellowed out. His face was a tint of red, and I knew I plucked the right string. His large hands ran through his untamed, curly hair as he paced around. "Stop talking about my dad. You don't know him, like I do. I'm his child, I know the reasons why he did what he did. My mom didn't deserve him. She was a bitch-"
"No, she wasn't a bitch Ryan! Your dad was the bitch! He was the fucking punk, and you were just as bad, if not worse for following in his weak footsteps. I made you better, Ryan. I made you a better man, but in the end, you had to go back to breaking hearts just like your fucking dad. You had to break mine, because you wanted to please your dad. You were nothing but an easily influenced piece of shit, and you still are." A laugh left my throat. "You're the real bitch, twisting the story to make me think that Tyler was the wrong one, that I was weak for wanting to cut you out of my life."
The words that were rolling off of my tongue gave me a sort of pleasure. The cold words tasted like cake to a baker, steak to a cook, a lollipop to a child. The words gave me pleasure, and I felt myself turn into some type of unhinged bigot in front of Ryan. All he could do was watch me. "Savannah, there wasn't a need to pull my dad into this conversation. There-"
"And you didn't have to degrade Tyler. Did you?" The remarks were coming secondhand like lyrics to a song from someone's lost childhood.
"Not everything is about him, you know. You're just bragging about him because he's some highly paid hockey player. You think you have some type of trump card, some end all be all by being in a relationship with him." Ryan's eyes got colder as each word left his mouth. "You're a desperate slut, he's probably only staying with you because the sex is so good. No one would stay with you if you didn't have that. I barely stayed-"
"That's a fucking lie, Ryan." I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "You're the insecure one, thinking that you were going to hurt my feelings by degrading my sex life. He loves me whether we have sex or not, and that's none of your fucking business. It's not like you ever made me cry out as often as he does. You're so worthless, just like your fucking dad-"
Before I knew it, Ryan's fist connected straight to my eye, causing me to fall back to the ground. A loud shriek left my mouth, and my hand went to my eye out of reflex. It was swelling instantly, and my head was pounding.
Ryan just hit me. Hard.
"Shit, Savannah. I-I'm sorry." He came over to me and bent down. "I didn-"
I turned to look at him, a tear falling out of good eye. Whether it was because of the pain or the harsh reality, it fell. "Fuck you, Ryan. You really out did yourself this time." I got up and made my way out of the creek, making sure to focus on the cicadas and not Ryan's cries of my name.