We returned in Cassy's room. I was shock and fragile. Jacob had his hand on my waist. In the same time, I wanted to hug him and to slap him. It's not his fault and I know it, but, I don't know... It's my fault ok, Hannah it's your fault.
I need to find something that will make me feel free, an activity. An alone activity, like, like, dance! No, not dance, I am really not good in dance... Maybe, badminton? No, sports for me are like, no way. Oh, I think I found, Jogging, running, training. I am going to train my body, to have muscles and yes! This is going to make me feel free, oh yes.
-It was long! I waited 20 freaking minutes! Cassy said
-Sorry, we will not restard, mommy! Said Jacob
-Shut up!
-Ok, ok keep calm, mommy. He said
-Grrrr....! She slaped him nicely.
-Hey!
-You insulted me! Cassy said
-I don't care, you can't slap a man!
-What is this new rule?
-Ok, stop guys! It's enough your little quibble. I said
-Ok.... They both said
-I have something to ask you...
-What? said Cassy
-I thought about doing an activity to change my ideas, and I thought about doing some jogging...
-Are you sure that you are going to be alright with your leg? She said
-Yes, I know I can do it!
-If you say so... She said
-and I want to do it now. Like right now.
-Now? Jacob said
-Yes, now. Cassy, can I take you a short and a cami?
-Yes, sure. Do you want us to go with you, for the first time?
-No, I'm alright. I want to have a little moment alone.
-Ok, and don't go too far, we don't want to lose you. Said Jacob
-I know babe. I smiled
He smiled.
I changed myself in front of them. I don't need to hide myself from them, they are like my family. I heard Jacob saying something in Cassy's ear. I hate when people are hiding things from me, I hate secrets! I had enought people that talked in my back, against me and I certainly don't want this from my best friends! OH MY GOD, that makes me feel more than angry....!!!
-What? I said
-Hum, what, what did you say? Jacob said.
-What? I said what?
-What what? He said
-What is it? Why are you talking in each other ears?
-Hum...
They looked at each other, a little bit nervous, it's what I thought. They are really hiding something...
-Hum Hello! I want an answer!
-Because it's like, like the first time that we see all of your, your... I cut him
-Scars... I said
-Yes, and we didn't know that they were like this and anyway, don't mind. It's not important. Sorry. Cassy said.
-Ok, but can I go do my jogging now. I said
-Yeah, they both said.
I left Cassy's room and I went in the bathroom. I put my hair in a pony tail and I put some running shoes. I was ready to be free, to do sport and to feel myself again. I got out and I went downstairs and Cassy's mother, Ramona, began to talk.
-What are you doing Hannah?
-I'm going to move. I said
-But,...
It was too late, I did close the door before hearing her sentence. I didn't want to talk with her, I wanted to run! I downed the stairs and I began to run. At the beginning, I was feeling really good. My leg was not at all hurting and I had a free feeling. I ran faster and faster. It's been a long time that I didn't do any sport or even move my ass. I was running and just running. I had the big smile on my face. And then, my leg started to hurt really a lot. My scar was opening and I felt some blood flowing on my leg. But I didn't stop, I didn't want to stop. It was hurting, more and more. Even if it was hurting, I had a goal. My goal to run even if everything were going bad. And I didn't want to give up even if I had every reasons of the world. But it was not a good idea...
And then, I fell on the ground, hitting my head on a big rock. I was bleeding of everywhere but nobody was there to help me. I was on the ground, alone in the street. The only thing that I heard was the little birds who we're singing. It was dark, I saw nothing, no sound. I fainted on the ground, right there. And nobody was there to help me, like every time because I always do the bad decisions...
I will never forget how my leg hurt and how I thought that it was finish for me. That I will die. And I will never forget how STUPID I was to decide to go run alone and to not stop when it was the moment. I hurt myself and this time, it's was my fault!