It was around 11 AM when I woke up, and I felt like complete, utter shit. My head was pounding, my cramps were out of control, and my mouth was dry. Every bone in my body was aching.
Someone left a bottle of water and some aspirin for me to take on my nightstand. I chugged the water down my throat, which only made me feel about .02% better.
Last night was a complete blur. I remember talking to Ryan, and Tyler going to get some beer, but I really couldn't completely remember everything. Tyler wasn't in the bed next to me, which was something I was used to by now.
I shuffled out of bed and headed into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. There was a huge hickey on the one side of my neck, the side that Tyler didn't attack the other night. I sighed, thinking of all the possible scenarios that allowed the bruise to get in my neck.
I shuffled downstairs lazily with my bottle of water in my hand and the aspirin in the other. No one was in the living room, which must've meant that my parents were upstairs. There was a bit of shuffling around in the kitchen which could've been Tyler. It was.
He was sitting at a small table in the kitchen, scrolling down on his phone. His hair was disheveled and he looked a bit tired- and irritated. He was wearing typical NHL gear and some gym shorts, but nonetheless he still looked good. "Hey Tyler," I groaned out. He looked at me before giving me a pseudo smile.
I walked past him and placed a kiss on his cheek, before getting a bowl of cereal out. The Crunch berries fell out into the bowl loudly, which intensified my headache a bit. I poured some milk into the bowl, and headed back to the table that Tyler was at, sitting across from him.
"Did you have fun yesterday?" He asked, still scrolling on his phone. I nodded my head as I chewed my cereal.
"Yeah, did you?" I asked. Tyler looked at me cynically, causing my stomach to churn in an uncomfortable way. "Why you looking at me like that?"
Tyler sat his phone down, sighing. "Yeah, I had fun. Besides my 'girlfriend' saying that she never loved me, and that she used me to get over her ex boyfriend, yeah I had a great time." He flashed me a fake smile.
I furrowed my eyebrows at him. "What are you talking about Tyler?" I couldn't help but sigh. This was going to evolve into something it didn't have to be, and I really wasn't in the mood for it.
"Of course, you're hungover. You're not going to remember the bullshit you were yelling at me yesterday. But I'm sure if I was Ryan, you would remember right?" Tyler's eyes were cold and stern, which was something I wasn't used to.
"What? Tyler, I don't remember anything from last night but you getting beer and hanging out with Ryan. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't say or do anything too crazy." I took another bite of my cereal.
"Yeah, and I was pretty sure that you 'loved me', but since you told me out of your mouth that you were leaving me in the morning and that you hated me, I guess we can't be too sure about each other now can we?" Tyler scoffed. "You're fucking crazy, Savannah."
That pissed me off. I was crazy? Who the hell did he think he was talking to? What was he talking about? "Instead of preparing yourself to bitch me out like you always do, maybe you should tell me what I did that was so wrong."
"That's the problem, Sav. Even if I do tell you what you did wrong, you're not going to care. You're going to yell at me, for some unknown reason, just like you did last night. I'm not in the mood for it today." Tyler got up and looked into the fridge and got himself a bottle of water. "You never listen to anyone if they're not telling you what you want to hear."
"Yeah, because you know me right? You know every, little detail about me, I forgot. I also forgot that you were my dad, always telling me how I feel, and how I act." I lost my appetite and began spooning around the cereal in the bowl.
"Well I sure did learn that you skipped school one day and called yourself out early to go see Ryan. And that you guys were so fucking obsessed with each other, always pulling some type of shenanigan. Right Savannah? Or am I just assuming things about your life again?" Tyler's voice was beginning to raise to a loud volume.
"Tyler, what are you talking about? Yes, all of that happened. How did you even find any of that out? And what the fuck does that have to do with anything?" I cried out. "You're still not telling me what I did last night!"
He took a huge gulp of his water. "You wanna know what you did, Savannah? Well for starters, you left me to go be with Ryan, all night long. I had no one go talk to, so what did I do? I befriended two girls. You came outside, calling yourself 'looking for me', and yelled at one of the girls who was sitting next to me to move. I guess she said something you didn't like, which is pretty common now that I think about it, and you hauled off and punched her in her fucking jaw. You also gave her a black fucking eye, Savannah.
"Then when I pulled you off of her, you start yelling at me. And when I dragged you home, what were you doing in the car? Calling me a piece of shit, saying that you were going to leave me, and that I suck at making you feel comfortable. You also said that you stayed with me so I could make you get over Ryan, like I was some type of stepping stool to a tree of whatever the fuck you were trying to reach. Oh, and how could I forget! He gave you that fat hickey on your fucking neck. It wasn't me, it was him! But then again, it was always him wasn't it?" Tyler scoffed running a hand through his hair.
My leg was shaking and I was furious. There was no way I couldn't remember this, how I could I forget? My hands were on fire, and I was about to burst at the seams. "Tyler, I was obviously drunk. I didn't mean any of that, and you need to understand that. You yelling at me, it's not necessary. I make mistakes. But I don't degrade people because of-"
"Then what about Jessica? What about when I had sex with her? That was a mistake, but did I say that you didn't need to yell at me? No, I took the blame, 100%. So why can't you own up to the fact that you hooked up with Ryan?" Tyler was pretty much yelling by now, and he hands were making all types of gestures.
"That's because I didn't have sex with Ryan. I would never, ever do that, and you fucking know that. And you had sex with her while you were sober anyways, so you can't even compare that to me!" I got up to dump the cereal in the sink, slamming the faucet on.
"You just said in the fucking car last night that you would have sex with him if you weren't on your period! What the fuck, so now I'm the crazy one? You think I'm bored with our relationship, so I created these fucked up lies? I'm not lying, Savannah." Tyler was standing with his arms crossed when I turned around.
"Whatever, Tyler. I don't care. I'm not going to argue with you if you're going to scream at me, like some wild banshee." I headed back towards the table and sat down. "You're flipping out on me for something I can't even remember, at least give me time to think."
"Think about what? Ryan? Because that's obviously all you've been thinking about since we got here. Be honest, Savannah. You don't care about me. I don't compare, when it comes to Ryan. I'm just some dude who sheltered you from the outside world, right? I'm just some creepy guy, who is obsessed with you, someone who couldn't give two fucks about me. Right Savannah? Just say it. You don't want to go back to Dallas with me. I know what you're thinking. Deep down, in that complex mind of yours, you want to stay here. You don't care about me, Savannah. Be honest, you don't." Tyler's voice was low now, and he was leaning on the table.
"What the fuck are you talking about? You think I want to stay in this shithole? I don't. Tyler, you know I love you. What you're spouting is pure insecurity. You're not making any sense, of course I want to go back to Dallas with you." I ran a hand through my head. What the hell was he talking about? My head was pounding horribly, and Tyler was on the verge of a breakdown. Too much was happening.
"How can I even know if that's the truth? Savannah, I thought I had you figured out to a tee. I even thought about marrying you. That's how well I thought we knew and understood each other. But I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong. You're still clinging onto memories that aren't even important anymore, like they're your last sense of happiness. How can I love someone when they're thinking about someone else constantly? I don't even know what you're thinking." Tyler sat down and stared me in my eyes.
Marriage. He wanted to marry me? What kind of dumb ass would do that? "Tyler, you wanted to marry me? We've only known each other since April, and it's July. Come on, that's only two months. Why would you do that? You don't want to marry me." I shook my head. What the fuck?
"Oh, so now I'm even more weird for thinking about marriage right? Great. What a fucking joke, just say it Savannah. You don't fucking love me. You never did." Tyler sighed.
I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "I'm crazy for not wanting to get married to someone I knew for two months? I'm just crazy for everything right? I'm weird for still having feelings for some guy in high school. I'm weird for sacrificing my sanity for a guy who swept me off of my feet. Tyler, you can't handle someone like me. I can't even handle my fucking self. I hate myself. You think I want someone like you taking care of me? No! You need to live your own, perfect, hockey superstar life. This is the exact reason why, I did not want you prying into my fucking life. Now look at us! Stuck in Jersey for the next, what? Three days?
"There's so much more to me than just, Ryan. There's something wrong with me on a different level, a psychological level. I don't care for myself. I hate myself. I bring nothing to this fucking relationship but a twisted mind, so why even fucking bother Tyler! If we get married, you're going to hate me. I'm not stable, Tyler. I'm a selfish, piece of shit, and I can't handle it. It's best that you get over me quick, because I'm not fucking dealing with this shit." Words were flying out of my mouth faster than I could register. I don't care anymore. Tyler stared at me in complete awe.
"So what, you're done now? You're just going to throw us away again?" He mumbled.
"Tyler, stop. You know that I love you. It's just better that-"
"That you leave right? How many times has this happened before. You're always the first to leave. I don't want you to leave, Savannah. Come on, after all that we've been through together, you're just going to throw it away?"
Tyler telling me how I felt and how I felt with things was beginning to piss me off. He didn't know me. No one knew me, but myself. "Tyler, stop-"
"Are you kids alright?" My mom was standing in the threshold of the kitchen with a look of concern visible on her face.
I looked towards Tyler who instantly shook his head. "Well, Savannah, I believe, is breaking up with me. Right?" He looked towards me with pursed lips. The burning sensation was behind my eyes again, and I wanted to hit him. I wanted to strangle Tyler until he fell limp under my touch. I wanted to feel his skin under mine, his pulse slowing down and him clucking out my name helplessly, and maybe under that circumstance, I'd fall in love with him all over again.
"Is that true, honey?" My mom said looking at me. Her disappointed gaze was back again, the same gaze that made me hate her a couple of years ago.
I shook my head. "I- I don't know what I'm saying. Tyler knows I love him, so I don't know what he's talking about. I just, I need a break. I'm gonna shower for a bit, then head outside." I headed out of the kitchen, going upstairs.
I threw myself in the shower, got dressed, and headed out of house in less than 30 minutes. Tyler was sitting in the living room, watching TV listlessly. "Tyler, I'm going out for a spin. If you want to, you can come along. We can get some fresh air together." Guilt was seeping out of my mouth into the air. Tyler didn't deserve me. No, I didn't deserve Tyler. Tyler was too good for me, and I was nothing but a burden to him. He looked at me with low eyes.
"No, I'm fine. Have fun." He turned back around, his face in his palm. My heart dropped to my stomach. Fuck, I really screwed up. I'm a piece of shit, I thought. You don't deserve someone like him, you stupid bitch. All you ever do is push people away and get mad at them, you psycho bitch. I stood there for a bit longer than I should have, so I headed out slowly.
"See you." I mumbled.
None of this was Tyler's fault. It was mine. It was always my fucking fault because I never knew how to act. When I got in the car, I instantly broke down. Tears after overwhelming wave of tears swallowed me into the deep end, leaving me to drown in this self-sorrow infested ocean. Tyler never wanted anything but the best for me. And what did I give him in return? Nothing. This 23 year old man opened his home to me, made me a staple in his hectic life. But again- what did I give him? I was a fucking joke.
I felt bad for Tyler because he felt bad for someone like me. How could anyone so beautiful, selfless, funny, and just overall so great fall in love with someone like me? Some stupid, insecure, bitter angry bitch like me? Only someone who could match my level. Which was Ryan.
I checked my phone which had messages from.. Ryan? When did I give him my number? Was I really that drunk?
He told me that Alicia was having people over again since there was so much left over food. I didn't think I would even be allowed to step foot on her property from the seemingly horrible scene I caused yesterday. I called Ryan, in hopes that my actions could be excused and I could be admitted into her house.
"Hey baby girl, what's up?" He deep voice rang throughout my ear and made my stomach churn.
"Don't call me that, Ryan." I said sternly. "Is Alicia still mad at me?"
A roar of laughter came from the other line. "Is that even a question?"
I exhaled, my anger beginning to rise again. "Ryan, none of this is funny. Can you meet me somewhere then? I don't need to be in a place where I'm going to be stared at by bitter females."
"Anything for you, princess." Ryan laughed. Princess. Tyler called me princess.
"Stop calling me that, Ryan. Seriously." I chided. "I'll pick you up and we can go somewhere. Private."
"You want me to stop calling you baby girl and princess, but you want to go somewhere private? Here we go with the modesty. You know you don't have to act that way, I still haven't forgotten how wild you get in-"
"Fuck off." I hung up and slammed my phone down in the cup holder. It all had to end today. There's no way I can allow this to keep going on and on, carrying this burden of insecurity and anger throughout the rest of my life, especially if people were willing to wait up for me.
That is, if Tyler hadn't changed his mind.