"Why hadn't you replied to my text?" I scolded the minute Faizal answered my call. The clock had strike 2 at the night.
"What are you doing up, this late?" His voice was filled with concern.
"Because I was waiting for those lines to turn blue." I confessed, as I stood from the bed walking towards the widow. "How are you?" I whispered not wanting to wake up Siddhi.
"Fine..." he sighed.
"You aren't!" I argued, "I can feel it..." There was a silence for a minute I waited for him to deny, to cover up but he kept quiet. "Everything is going to be fine, Faizal. He might be just..."
"I want to see you," that heaviness in his voice broke my heart into numerous pieces.
"Now?" I sounded uncertain. Were we allowed to meet at such at hour? Why it felt forbidden? He didn't say a word, he had never asked me for a thing before... Never forced a thing, never demanded for time or ear to listen. It was me who always had to force him to share, that he could depend on me. He could share about his days; he could be expressive. He could trust me!
"Where?" I inquired, I needed to be there for him because he voices indicated that he needed me.
"Just open the door," there was longing hidden behind his voice. I rushed towards the door, passed a glance at sleeping Siddhi before unlocking the door. I doubted if the mature Faizal Qureshi I knew would ever act impulsive? Like budging into our room at mid-night. Especially, when his parents were against our arrival. Yet he had taken the risk, there was bigger force at work. He wasn't able to dispose his thoughts. He wasn't able to sleep. My restlessness was valid!
The minute I opened the door, I breathed as if I was holding my breath from a long time. Why he affected me to such a level was beyond me? I felt physical as well as emotional pain at the mere thought of him being upset. I couldn't bare it!
Siddhi concluded my restlessness as a valid behavior. I do care about my friends and loved-ones but I wasn't that concerned the way, I am for him. My entire world takes a full-stop at the mere thought of him in pain. I had never loved someone the way, I love him. It scares me! It haunts me because I am aware of the end-result. I am aware about the consequences.
He was staring at me, exhaustion visible in his orbs. "Come in..." I requested, as I directed him to enter. He considered it for a minute before skipping into the room. I closed it as he entered, I turned to find him glancing at Siddhi's sleeping figure.
"I shouldn't have disturbed," there was a guilt hidden in the statement.
"You didn't disturb," I felt the need to assure him. "I wasn't sleeping."
"And I was the reason behind it," the guilt was taking a ride over his senses.
"Can you stop blaming yourself for everything?" I lost my temper. "And stop allowing people to blame you as well!" I was glaring at him, "please..." I requested at the end seeing his emotionless face. "You're not responsible for every single thing. You're allowed to be human as much as any of us. You don't need to be perfect, always correct. You're allowed to make mistake." I was pleading with him. My orbs were brimming with tears.
His orbs soften as he took a step towards me, "you should stop getting so worried about me." His voice was soft as if he was trying hard to hold his emotions in check.
"You think, that I don't try?" I yelled at him in frustration. "I simply, can't! And that annoys the shit out of me." He chuckled listening to my complain. He shook his head as he took another step forward, we were inches away from each other.
"Can I ask you something?" There was hesitation in his voice. I stared into his black orbs not providing him with a response. "I need a hug..." he sighed as he shook his head at his request, "I... let it..." he was going to take a step back but I moved forward. "You don't have to... I was... I was..." He seemed loss of words, "I felt lost..."
"Its fine," I blinked at him in assurance.
He took a minute before wrapping his arms around my waist. I heard him sigh, a peaceful sigh. I took a minute before slowly wrapping my arms around his shoulder. I could feel him so near, so close to me. I was hugging him and it wasn't less than a miracle for me. Not less than a dream! I could feel him under my fingertips, I could feel his warm breath around my earlobe, his heart beating so loudly under his chest. I wasn't sure how wide my heart was beating.
Something as casual as hug was so special when it was with him. He had shown me the meaning of love. He had made me appreciate someone presence so much. He made me realize that we should never take someone presence for granted. Just because we can see them or hear them won't mean we would be allowed with the gift forever. I was aware about the longing. About the desire to just hear his voice, just glance at his face, just see that smile playing on his lips, or just hear his frustrated, scolding voice. I never knew, I could fall for someone, so entirely, so fully, so immensely.
Neither of us wanted to move from each other embrace yet we had to. If it was in my hand, I would have stopped the time, hold it forever. I had waited for that moment for so long. I had dreamed it, visualize it in every particular manner but nothing could match the feeling I was feeling at the moment. I wish, I could re-live it again.
"Was it that bad?" I asked him as he pulled away from me.
He shook his head, adamant to display that he wasn't affected by the conversation. I glared at him; he avoided the gaze. "I am not lying, Gudiya."
And for a minute my heart did a somersault. That Gudiya did melt my heart as much as I wanted to deny.
"Gudiya?" An astonished-plus-curious voice interrupted our conversation. We glanced at Siddhi to find her staring at us with her sparkling orbs. "I didn't want to interrupt but I couldn't hold my curiosity back." She provided us with a sheepish smile as she sat on the bed.
"Children shouldn't be up at midnight," Faizal tried to shove it off, as he rubbed his face in embarrassment.
"I am no longer a kid and you better register it in your mind and stop treating me as one." Siddhi glared at him while I was enjoying the moment between them. I always adored them, two precious people of my life. "I was aware that Nivi calls you Idiot, but Gudiya..." she passed a glance at me. "When had this started?"
"Oh! How could you hide such an important thing from your girl?" Faizal mocked me, I faked a glare.
"I hadn't hide anything from my girl." I put emphasis on 'my girl'.
"You had!" He argued back, "she is complaining that she wasn't aware about your nickname. You should have informed her!"
"Exactly!" Siddhi grumbled in the background, "its my right to know about every single detail."
"Yes, I won't be surprise if she inquiries about your first night after wedding." I could hear the annoyance hidden behind his mocking.
"I am getting summary of that as well! She has promised me that, so I won't be anxious when its my turn." Siddhi nodded with a serious expression.
Faizal was taken aback with her words. He kept staring at her for a minute as if still recovering from the shock her words had provided him. A minute later, he glanced in my direction. "Are you guys serious?" His face was so horrified that I no longer could take it and we busted into laughter.
"Bhai, we aren't that insane!" Siddhi cried out in between her laughter.
Faizal shook his head at our prank, "I have been part of your insane chats. At times seeing those love confession shared between you, two..." he shook his head in displeasure. "I wouldn't have been shock if I find you both dating each other."
"As much as I will love to date my sweetheart," Siddhi laughed. "Unfortunately, I am straight and only attracted towards male gender." She pouted at the end as if that was a bad thought, I giggled at her dramatic response.
"You both are insane," Faizal had a hint of smile playing on his lips.
There was silence for a minute before Siddhi asked, "Bhai, if you don't mind can I ask you something?" There was hesitation in her voice, Faizal gave a slight nod. I knew, he wasn't in a mood to have the conversation. He mostly liked to deal with things on his own or distract his mind from things disturbing him. He wasn't great with digging dip into the pain, trying to find a way. He was cool with sliding it away until it suffocated him and he had to directly deal with it. He avoided tension as long as he could!
"Have our arrival caused you trouble?" Siddhi sounded concerned as well as guilty.
He was taken aback with the question; he wasn't expecting it. His orbs widened in shock. "My family issue has nothing to do with your arrival," he orbs averted from her to me. "Don't ever blame yourself for it!" He sighed, "it just hard to please him." He was disappointed on himself.
"Then stop trying to please him." I muttered; he spared a glance at me. "Stop trying to act perfect, you're not perfect... Faizal. You're human and you're allowed to act as human." He kept staring at me without expressing a word.
"I am not manipulating you against them or him. I understand he have many expectations from his only son. He wants you to act correct, perfect and be an ideal to your younger sibling but he also needs to understand that you're human and you will make mistake. And you should be allowed to make it! You shouldn't always be judged! That's wrong! Very wrong!"
He took a step forward not uttering a word in respond. A hint of a smile played on his lips and my heart skipped a beat. The effect he had on me! He cupped my cheek and for a minute I forgot to breathe. I wasn't used to his closeness. It was getting hard to suppress my emerging feeling when we were in such proximity. His warm palms around my cold cheeks were giving me butterflies.
He leaned towards my face and I close I orbs as my reflex action. My brain had stopped working due to our closeness. He surely could listen to my heart that was beating so loud. I felt a kiss on my forehead, I was trying hard to calm down myself.
"You can't ever manipulate me against them." He muttered through my orbs were shut. "You have been the person who had reason-out their actions when they were very difficult for me to understand." He paused for a second, I could feel his gaze on me. "I know you care a lot and thank for it." He chuckled, "you can open your eyes I am not going to kiss you."
I jerked my orbs open in embarrassment. "I was taken aback with your action." I justified myself while lowering my head in embarrassment.
"Oh," he chuckled in a teasing manner making me feel, only if the earth could swallow me up. "Will note it down not to scare you in future." That comment did force me to glance at his face to find him smirking at me.
"Good night, Siddhi..." he turned to her and glanced back at me. A sweet smile playing on his lips. "Good night, Gudiya..." That smile, that sweet smile what won't I do for that! He stared at me for a minute longer before walking out of the room. I took a minute to process everything that happened before locking the door.
"What's going on?" Siddhi stared at me with her orbs hungry for information.
"What's going on?" I attempted to act clueless as I walked towards the bed.
"You can lie to bhai, he might be stupid not to notice it but I am not!" Her voice had turned demanding as I shut the lamp off. "There is something that you're hiding..." she paused for a moment as if reshaping her words. "I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it from my eyes." Her tone turned into concern, "you're developing feelings for him."
I provide her with silence not having the courage to confirm or deny. "Nivi, that's bad and you're aware about it?" She was worried and that was the reason that I had kept it away from her.
"Do you think that I didn't try to stop myself?" I inquired back, "I tried every option available. I ignored him for weeks together, the minute I discovered my feelings. But unfortunately, none of my trick worked."
"This won't ever work! He isn't your type, Nivi." Siddhi sighed, "he might not even be aware about your feelings. Of what that small moment would mean to you. Allowing him to get closer to you will only result into pain. He has already set his marriage with his cousin." I could feel that Siddhi was getting anxious. "Why don't we just give any excuse and leave tomorrow?" She suggested, I widen my orbs at her.
"What?"
"Yep," She nodded. "You can spend the remaining holidays with me in Banaras. Away from him, it will be better for your future."
"You have lost your mind," I groaned at her plan. "You need to sleep."
I lay on my side of the bed while she kept arguing, "you're the one that have lost your mind. You have travelled so far having full knowledge that its only going to provide you with trauma." I kept quite allowing her to rant about my decision to attend the wedding.