WOOYOUNG.
"How did you know about that?"
Wooyoung got out of the pool and put on one of the gowns draped on the chair."I bumped into your mother at a store and had coffee with her where she made it very clear to me that you were moving and I should stop visiting."
San followed him out of the pool and put on one too."What?When was this?"
"A week ago."
"Wooyoung."San grabbed him by his elbow.
He sighed."What San?"
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"And then what? It's not like it was going to change things. Matter of fact I don't want them to change."
"Young-ah...."
"It's okay. I'm not mad at you. This is out of your hands. Also I feel sorry because your family is clearly going through a lot for you to have to move like this."Wooyoung interrupted.
"That's not...."
"I don't want you to leave but I can't force you to stay. I'm having a hard time accepting this but I know I will be fine. So don't worry. We should go inside. I'm getting cold."Wooyoung made to walk away but San pulled him back.
"Atleast let me speak."
"San you don't have to..."
He hugged him."You trust me right?"
Wooyoung frowned in confusion."What do you mean?"
"That's not an answer baby. Do you trust me?"
"Of course I do."
"Then I want you to not overthink and trust me on this okay? I'm not going anywhere."
"But your mom said...."
San pulled back and cupped his face."Wooyoung. I'm not going anywhere. I'm the one telling this to you so I need you to trust me. You and I both know I'd die before I will ever be able to leave you."
"So...so you're not going?"Wooyoung's voice cracked at the end.
"No. Where could I possibly go without you?"
"Are you really not?"
"Seriously. I'm not going anywhere."
Wooyoung felt himself become teary eyed."When your mom told me that you were leaving, I couldn't sleep for days. I kept thinking about what I was going to do when you're gone. It was like the whole situation with Yeonjun was repeating itself."
"You're a little silly sometimes you know that? I can't even stand to be away from you for more than a day, also I don't think you even realize just how much I love you but that's fine. You will in time."
"I know you love me but...."
"But nothing. It took us this long to be together and I hurt other people's feelings in the process which I'm very regretful about. I'll say it over and over again if you want me to Wooyoung. I'm never going to leave you. So long as you still want me."San promised.
"Are you doing this because you think I can't take care of myself? I'm seeing a therapist San and I'm not suicidal or anything. I'll be fine. I can...."
"Do you want me to leave?"San cut him off.
Wooyoung froze. No. He did not. However, that would be selfish of him. To hold back San for his own benefit. Mrs Nam always told him to be considerate of San's feelings and that's what he promised himself he'd always do.
"Yes."he lied.
"Look me in the eyes Young-ah and tell me you want me to leave."
His tears streamed down his cheeks, head still down and avoiding San's eyes."Yes."
"I wont believe it unless you say it to my face."San wiped his tears away.
Wooyoung looked up at him and as soon as he saw those beautiful kind but pained eyes, he broke down into a heavy fit of sobs. He shook his head and hugged San tightly.
"No. No. I don't want you to leave...don't please...don't."Wooyoung said between sobs. He really was selfish at the end of the day. He tried. He genuinely did but he loved San too much.
San kissed his hair."I told you to stop trying to act all tough around me."
"I'm sorry for being so selfish."
"You're not selfish baby. I'm not staying because I don't think you're capable of taking care of yourself but because I want to. So don't push me away. That hurts my feelings. Let me be there for you hmm?"
Wooyoung nodded and gripped him tighter like he would slip away from his hands if he let go.
"I love you."San whispered.
Wooyoung sniffled.
"I love you too."
~~~~
"How was your weekend?"Ms Nam asked.
It was a Monday afternoon and Wooyoung had spent the whole day mentally preparing himself for their session. He was supposed to have told San to come with but he really wanted to do this by himself. He could never get well if he kept depending on him. He needed to be strong and get through this. It's the least he could do after everything San did and still does for him.
"It was fun. I spent it with San."he replied.
"That's good. I'm happy you two are spending more time together."
"Yeah."he mumbled.
She paused and looked at him."Not quite as enthusiastic. Is everything okay?"
"Ms Nam?"
"Ji Hyun."
"Ji Hyun."
She smiled."Yes Wooyoung."
He swallowed hard and pushed his nerves and negative thoughts to the back of his head."I have been wanting to share something with you for a while now."
"I'm listening."
"I...uh...I actually have a problem. With eating."
God why was this so hard for him to say? It had been so easy with San to just come clean since deep down he knew he wouldn't be judged by the other but Ms Nam was a different story. Yes she was his therapist and he shouldn't be worrying over such things but at the end of the day she was still a stranger to him.
She nodded, her expression barely changing."An eating disorder?"
"Y..yeah."
"And are you comfortable talking about this with me?"
He shook his head."Not really but it's not that bad enough to the point where I can't bear it. I just want to get it off my chest and...and get help. That's why I'm doing this."
"I see. Before we get anywhere I want to tell you that I'm proud of you for telling me this. I can only imagine how hard it was. You're doing so well Wooyoung and you deserve to take pride in that because not everyone is as strong and brave as you are."she said.
"Thank you."Wooyoung replied quietly.
"You are welcome. So, may I ask when did this start?"
He took a deep breath to prepare himself for possibly the worst narration of out of the many stories he has told about his life.
"From middle to high school. Since I had no friends and sat by myself, I was a target for bullying. I used to eat a lot back then. Like as much as I could because I stayed with a man that didn't care if I went to bed with an empty stomach. I'd eat a lot while he was away and always begged the kitchen lady for more servings. Naturally, at that age I was chubby so all that eating made me gain weight but at that time I didn't see a problem with it."
"You didn't need to see a problem with that because you were just a kid."Ms Nam clarified.
"Yeah. Exactly. But the kids at my school thought otherwise. I was fat shamed, bullied and called the most terrible names you could think of. It got so bad that I would force myself to go to bed every night without eating. Then it went from that to reducing the portions of my food and wearing baggy clothes. I actually lost weight after that. Too much of it in my opinion but I was too blinded by my desperation to become what was deemed right in society to see it and that's how...that's how..."he could feel the waterworks coming, choking up on his words.
Ms Nam looked at his wrists."That's how the cutting started?"
Wooyoung nodded."I hated myself so much and everytime that blade would cut deep into my skin, I would welcome the pain as a reminder that I did not deserve to live. That I took away my mother's life to have mine. That I ruined the rest of my father's life after she died."
"Is that what your father told you? That you took away your mother's life?"she asked.
"Yeah. He would say it directly. That I killed her. And I couldn't argue back because I knew that she did die giving birth to me."
"Do you still think that way now?"
He shook his head."No. No good mother would want to see their child get physically and emotionally abused the way that man did and is doing to me. No mother would want to see their child blame themselves for something they had no control over. And no mother would ever put their own lives before their child's. I may not have known her but I know she loved me. Loved me enough to bring me to this earth despite the risks that ended up costing her life. I still can't celebrate my birthday because there's still that small shred of guilt in me but I don't hate myself the way I did for it anymore."
"That's good. Self love is first and foremost when it comes to healing and as much as you still have a long way to go, the progress you're making makes me happy. You would have never believed that your mother did love you unless you love yourself first. And the cutting? when did you stop?"
"A year later after I met San. He found me passed out at my place in the bathtub one night. He spent the whole night beside my bed in the hospital crying and I promised myself from that day on that I wouldn't make him cry like that ever again. It was hard. I still had strong urges but the second I picked up the blade, I'd stop and remember that day. The day that San cried the hardest I had ever seen him."Wooyoung's heart broke at just the memory of seeing San that way.
"Did he know why you had almost died like that?"
"He knew about the cutting but I hid the eating disorder from him. Or so I thought until he confronted me about it two days ago."
"Is he the only person aware of it?"
"Yes. I was never going to tell anyone about it to be honest. I hid it as well as I could. Eating normally around my friends and throwing them up when I'm by myself. There are times when I'm happy with how my body looks and I'd momentarily stop but then a slight small change and I'd be back at it again."he told her.
"You sound so self aware of it."
"That's because I am. I know what's wrong with me. I just don't know how to stop."
Ms Nam sighed and put down her pen then reached out her hands."May I?"
Wooyoung nodded and let her hold his hands in hers.
"Thank you again. For telling me all of this. I'm here to help you get better not tell you what's right or wrong with you. Always remember that. This is more serious than internalized homophobia or depression because it's something you have to accept within yourself that it would take a long time to change. So with that said, I need you to understand one thing first. Getting better won't happen overnight or after a certain specific time so don't pressure yourself or give up hope. You've lived like that for a long time and a few sessions with me isn't going to immediately changed that."
"However, it's the result that matters not how long the journey is. Your effort and desire to become better is what should keep you going and I'll be there to guide you in every step. San will be there to hold your hand when you need him to and your friends will always love you the way that you are."she gently squeezed his hands before letting go.
"Do you think I can stop?"
"If you don't have faith in yourself then my answer would be pointless whichever it is."
"I.... I know I can get better."
"It's alright Wooyoung. You're feeling unsure because this is all overwhelming for you but like I always say. You have to want it for you to achieve it."
"I want to stop. I want to get better. I'm tired of trying so hard. Please. Help me with this. I'll do anything. Even if it's hard. I'll do it."
She gave him an encouraging smile and maybe Wooyoung had seen it wrong but her eyes were slightly tear eyed as she said that.
"Don't worry Wooyoung. You'll be fine."
~~~~
There was a knock on his door the next morning. He had decided to skip school because he was feeling gloomy and well honestly speaking that was no surprise there since it was his birthday today. A day he never knew just how to feel on. Most of the time he would just hide away from the world and cry himself to sleep till the next day but after his talk with Ms Nam yesterday, he was having a lot of mixed emotions.
"Come in."Wooyoung sat up.
The door opened and Ms Yuna walked in with a tray of food. A bowl of rice and seaweed soup on it.
"I was hoping you'd come downstairs eventually but it's almost 11am and I thought you must be sick or something so I came here to check on you. Is everything alright?"she asked as she walked further into the room and put the tray on the dresser before sitting on the edge of Wooyoung's bed.
"I'm fine."Wooyoung replied dismissively.
He still didn't know how to take her kindness and all that. She seemed nice but the fact that she still stayed bothered him. There was no way she didn't know what his father did to him so he couldn't fully accept her or return her kindness.
"I made some seaweed soup for you. Your father left early for work and I guess his excitement for finally getting a new job made him forget that it was your birthday."
He frowned."Who told you it was my birthday?"
"I asked him one time. He told me you never celebrate it. May I ask why?"
"No you may not. If he told you that then he should have told you the reason why I don't celebrate it."Wooyoung got off the bed and walked to his closet.
"Wooyoung."
"Please leave and take the food with you. I want to shower."
"I won't bother you and leave but atleast have the soup."
"What's it to you if I have it or not?"
"I'm really trying here to reach out to you but you have to meet me halfway Wooyoung. I care about you and if you can't see that then we're just going to keep clashing like this."she said.
He scoffed."Care about me? Please. If you did care you would have left this place a long time ago as soon as you found out what kind of person that man you're dating is. Heck, you could have even reported it but you chose to stay for whatever reason I'm not going to bother try understanding so don't tell me you care when you sleep with a man that abuses his own son."
She tensed."I talked to your father about that and he has yet to sit down and talk to you. He's regretful and sorry but I guess he hasn't had the time yet to talk to you or probably doesn't know where to start. Just give him a little time."
Wooyoung walked back to her."You want to know something? I have never not once in my life met anyone as delusional as you. Regretful? Sorry? Yeah right. You seem to genuinely love him which makes me feel bad for you because that man has only ever loved one person and that was my mother. But she died and so did he. All that is left is a cold hearted, money loving and selfish asshole. You should have left when you could but if you want to subject yourself to pain and heartbreak then be my guest but don't start acting like you care about me. That shit disgusts me."
He turned around to leave.
"And what about you? Why didn't you leave?"she asked, making him stop dead in his tracks.
He looked back at her."Because at the end of the day he's my father and I'm just an 18 year old that still wishes he could change and love me the way i had deserved to be loved. But don't worry. That foolish little hope will go away as soon as i graduate and find a place to stay, then you can have him all to yourself without feeling guilty whenever you see my face."
"I feel the same way you do. I have hope that he can change. I know he can. I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't."she reasoned.
"Well good for you but I want nothing to do with you or him because I know better than anyone else he will never change. "
He walked out, leaving no room for discussion. After showering and getting dressed, he left the house, his food still on the dresser in his room, cold and untouched. After texting Hongjoong who had thankfully said he had no classes, he rode the bus to his place.
"Ditching school I see."Hongjoong smirked as he opened the door for him.
Wooyoung rolled his eyes and walked in."It's just this once."
He closed the door."That's what I used to say until it became a habit."
"You were just a bad student Joong. Let's not compare. Are you busy?"Wooyoung asked, noticing the art board and paintbrushes on the table.
"A little. I have a project to submit tomorrow."Hongjoong wiped his paint stained hands with a cloth.
"Do you want something to eat?"
"No, just a drink is fine"Wooyoung sat down on the couch.
Hongjoong grabbed two beers from the fridge.
"You know I can just leave if you are really busy."Wooyoung suggested.
"Not on your birthday. I'd be the most cruel friend to ever exist. I didn't expect you to come here though. Figured you'd be locked up in your room like always or with San."Hongjoong gave him the other can and sat down.
He sighed."Would have went with the first option if it wasn't for the mistress at home."
"Ah. Right. I completely forgot about her. And San?"
He shook his head, barely hiding his disappointment."I think he forgot."
Hongjoong scoffed."Like hell he would."
"He always calls first as soon as it's midnight but not even a text did he send this time."Wooyoung pointed out.
"Aww, look at you all sulky. Thought you didn't want people to celebrate your birthday."
"Yeah but San made me get used to spending time with him on my birthday. If he suddenly stops am I supposed to just move on like it's nothing?"
"You're just overthinking again. San would forget his own birthday before he forgets yours. Don't you know him enough by now to know how whipped he is for you?"
Wooyoung huffed."You're just saying all that to make me better. Forget it. It's not like he owes it to me to keep being consistent anyway."
Hongjoong sighed."You're so stubborn."
"No i'm not. Did you spend the weekend with Seonghwa? I saw him come home wearing your favorite jacket on Sunday when I left San's place."
Hongjoong wagged his brows with a smug smile."Of course I did. Who else would I spend it with if not him.?"
"You're like...really in love with him aren't you?"
"You have no idea."
"You two should be like illegal though."Wooyoung teased.
Hongjoong froze."You're friends with me. Do you find it illegal?"
"Of course not. I'm 18."
"Yeah and so is he. Plus you make it sound like I'm way older when I'm only 21."
Wooyoung smiled sheepishly."My bad. Atleast he's not a minor and also we're graduating in three months. You have nothing to worry about."
Hongjoong visibly cringed."Stop making it weird Wooyoung."
"Sorry."
"Have you spoken to Yeosang?"Hongjoong changed the subject.
"No. He sent me a happy birthday text a few hours ago but he didn't reply when I asked to meet up later today."
"He's definitely avoiding you."
"Yeah I know."
"It's obviously the whole him and Jongho dating situation. I genuinely don't know why he kept it a secret for so long but judging from the way he's behaving now that we all know makes it clear that he had still wanted to keep it a secret. You two should sit down and talk about it."
"I would if he'd let me see him to begin with."
Wooyoung's phone then rang and he probably should have been embarrassed with the way he quickly fished it out of his pocket but he didn't care. It was no secret that he had been on edge since morning waiting for a call or text from a certain someone whose number was currently displayed on the screen.
"San?"Hongjoong questioned.
He nodded giddily and picked up.
"Hello?"he answered.
"Baby, are you home?"
Wooyoung's stomach filled with butterflies.
"No. I'm at Hongjoong's."
"Oh. Is it okay if I come and get you?"
"Yeah of course."
"Okay. I'll be there in 20."
"Okay."
Wooyoung hung up and bit his lower lip to try and contain his smile.
Hongjoong arched his brow."Blushing shamelessly and everything. What did he say?"
"He said he's coming to get me."
"See. I told you he didn't forget. Just got to learn how to be patient."
"But like....where is he taking me? He didn't say anything more and I'm a little nervous and shit."
Hongjoong smiled at him in an oddly knowing way.
"I guess you'll find out when you get there."
~~~~
As soon as Wooyoung heard a car park outside, he said a rushed bye to Hongjoong and bolted out of the house, ran down the stairs and out the yard to where the jeep wrangler was parked.
San got out of the car wearing an orange and white letterman jacket and jeans with a beanie on his head. He looked so effortlessly good that Wooyoung couldn't help but run towards him and jump into his arms, legs automatically wrapping around the other's torso and arms around his neck.
"I've never seen you this excited to see me."San said, hands holding Wooyoung's underthighs.
He nuzzled his boyfriend's neck."Shut up. I thought you forgot about my birthday."
San chuckled."You know damn well I could never."
Wooyoung pouted."I know but you usually call at 12am and this time you didn't."
San put him back down on the ground and slid his arms around his waist."That's because I have a surprise planned for you in replacement."
"A surprise? I thought we agreed on not getting me gifts for my birthday San-ah."Wooyoung kept his arms secured around his neck.
"Yeah but this is not just any gift. Now are you going to give me the chance to give it to you or are you just going to reject it before you see it?"
"But.... it was just a few days ago that you gave me the necklace."
"Didn't I tell you that was the bare minimum? I have so much more to give you Young-ah and as your boyfriend I think I have every right to do so."
"Always sweet talking your way out of everything. Fine. What's this gift?"
San leaned in and pressed a soft chaste kiss to his lips but Wooyoung wanted more and parted his lips wider to accommodate San's tongue that lapped around the seam of his lips. They kissed deep and slow, pace increasing and breaths quickening. Wooyoung's hand tugged San's beanie off and threaded into his hair to tug. This is what he loved best. Being kissed senseless by San. He knew just how to hold him. Touch him and make him feel things. As much as Wooyoung started it, the other would always take the lead and render him helpless. San's hand trailed down to squeeze his ass.
"God fuck."Wooyoung moaned.
San's breath fanned over Wooyoung's face as their foreheads pressed against each other."You are so needy."
Wooyoung laughed lightly and pecked San's lips."It's your fault for looking so damn attractive all the time. Feel like you haven't fucked me in ages. Keep wanting more.
"Sounds like a you problem."
"Not with your hand still on my ass it's not."
San smiled and slapped said ass."You love it though. Come on. We need to go."
"How far is this present? I've been feeling lazy since this morning."Wooyoung whined when San let go to open the door for him.
"Don't be a brat and get your ass inside Youg-ah."
He pursed his lips but did as told and got into the passenger seat. San closed the door and rounded the car before getting inside.
"Did you have breakfast?"San put on his seatbelt and pulled out the driveway.
"Ye......I...No. Not yet."he replied quietly.
"I got us food on the way here. We'll eat together when we arrive."
"Okay."
"Also I need you to wear that blindfold in a few minutes."San pointed to the black folded satin cloth on the dashboard.
"A blindfold? Aren't you being a little dramatic with this?"Wooyoung teased as he took it and ran his fingers through the silky material. He tried not to let his mind wander too far when he wrapped it around his wrist.
San rolled his eyes."Don't get smart with me Woo and just do what I told you."
"Geez you're so bossy."Wooyoung huffed.
San smiled and reached a hand over to pinch Wooyoung's cheek.
A few more minutes later and the car finally came to a stop. Wooyoung was so eager to see where they were and he would have long taken the blindfold off if it wasn't for him not wanting to be scolded for being a brat. He heard the door open and some quick footsteps before his door was opened.
"Just hold onto my hand okay? I got you."San said as he grabbed Wooyoung's hand and helped him out of the car.
"This better not be something crazy San."Wooyoung said as he was ushered from behind to wherever he was being led to .
"Define crazy."San said in his ear.
"You're really scaring me here babe."Wooyoung replied.
San didn't say anything else and just kept walking him to wherever they were going.
He then stopped after a few steps later."I'm going to take the blindfold off now."
"Okay."
"3, 2, 1."The blindfold was gently removed off his eyes.
"Happy Birthday baby."San kissed his cheek.
The first thing Wooyoung saw when he opened his eyes was a huge two story beige house with the most green lawn he's ever seen surrounding it. There was a long pavement from the porch to the gate where San's car was parked.
San went to stand in front of him with the biggest smile on his face.
Wooyoung looked at him in both confusion and disbelief."San-ah....what...what is this?"
"You remember when you asked me if I was moving?"San reached behind to pull out something from his pocket.
"Yeah but...."
"Well you were right. I am moving."San took Wooyoung's hand and put a key on his open palm.
"Moving in with you."
Wooyoung's heart might had just stopped. Most likely not breathing too. His feet stayed glued to the ground, eyes searching San's face for any signs that he might be joking but there was none.
"Well technically after graduating but yeah. This is your gift."San added.
"San, you're not making any sense right now. What do you mean moving in? A house? How did...weren't you supposed to be leaving the city with your parents? I mean I know you told me you weren't going anywhere but that had been the original plan was it not?"
"I told you trust me right. This is me keeping that trust. My mom wants to leave Seoul but I made it clear to her a few days ago before she met up with you that i wasn't going to leave with her. I'm graduating this year and since I'm obviously going to have to move out of my parents house at one point, I figured I'd do it earlier. With my savings and her money, we bought this house and Seonghwa is going to be taking the current one we're staying at. I suggested we share it but then I thought of you and how much I've always wanted a place for just the both of us, I ended up deciding against it. There's nothing in there right now but we have a few months left to fill it up."San explained.
Wooyoung could feel his eyes begin to brim with tears from how overwhelmed he was by everything."So you're really not moving away?"
"Again Wooyoung, No. I'm not going anywhere."San pulled him closer.
"So move in with me Young-ah. Stay with me."