"The house is very far from the city. I never realized it." Rudra remarked, more to himself than anyone.
He felt suffocated in the house. And he had good reason for that. In a moment of rage and annoyance, he had stormed up to the terrace. He couldn't comprehend their requests now. Not their guilt either. Nor the regret. The person that he was, he always wondered why humans did things like that. What was the point of having momentary judgments and anger only to suffer later? Wasn't it always nicer to observe and understand the matter first? Screw that. Wasn't it nicer to believe in your relationships? Especially when the man in question was someone like Shivaay.
He sighed. The gentle breeze made him feel better. Yet he couldn't shake the feeling of dread settling in his heart. Had Shivaay taken the right decision to stay back for a day?
"I am very far from everything. I never realized it too..." Om whispered.
Rudra suppressed the urge to roll his eyes simply because he had been doing the same from the moment he had stepped into the Oberoi Mansion. He was exhausted. He eyed his older brother warily.
Om and his gaze met. Rudra saw the same regret shining in his eyes. He had to look away.
Rudra felt a hand on his shoulder. He cringed but kept his cool.
"How are you, Rudra?" Om asked.
Just to spite him, Rudra grinned. "Perfect."
Though, he wasn't lying. He was indeed happy. What he and Shivaay had craved since their childhood, they had built it with Anika, Sahil and Bhavya. Their world. Sure there were days when they missed their family but they surely didn't miss the drama and toxicity. They didn't miss the burden of expectations. They didn't miss the bad blood. They were genuinely happy in their own little bubble. He never had been happier.
"What are you doing professionally?" Om was curious.
"I was pitching my start-up idea to a few investors. I want to create an app for all fitness enthusiasts. I recently got a good deal. It's in the works now. We are looking to launch it by September."
Rudra smiled. Who would have thought? He and work? Ha. But well. He had found his niche and along with Bhavya, he made a bloody good business team. He did seek Shivaay's advice from time to time, but on the whole, it was his own baby. He finally found his calling.
"September? On Shivaay's birthday?" Om's face lit up.
Rudra's face softened. He remembered. A sudden punch of sadness knocked on his chest. They always celebrated Shivaay's birthday like it was a festival. Because it was. They had to thank god for sending him to this realm.
"I want to make him proud." Rudra smiled in response.
Om nodded. He then patted his shoulder. "He is always proud of you. You were there for him when all of us failed. You trusted him."
The spark of anger was back with a vengeance. Yeah right. Suddenly, Rudra wanted to push Om away.
He just slapped his hand away. "You should have been there. And might I say, even before me."
Om's eyes lowered and his shoulders slumped. "I was in a weird space. I...I thought everyone had feet of clay, that everyone would eventually disappoint. Everyone would be like Dad..."
This time, Rudra did push Om away. Harshly. Om stumbled back from the sheer force of it all.
"Shivaay Bhaiya was anything but like Dad, Om!" Rudra raged. "Dad didn't wait for you in the rehabilitation centre. Dad didn't support your dreams. Dad didn't burn his hands cooking for you. Dad didn't hold you when you couldn't even look into the mirror. Dad didn't work extra hard so that you could pursue your passions! Do you understand this you fucking bastard?"
Om just stared at his brother with teary eyes. What else could he do anyway?
Rudra pushed Om again. "There could have been anger for Bhaiya but distrust? Never. A question on his morality, his character? Nope."
And then he cried. Cried for the chances that they all lost. A chance at happiness, at togetherness, at peace. The four of them - him, Shivaay, Om and Priyanka - were supposed to grow old together. Now they were divided. Their kids were never going to experience the sheer joy of having a sibling. They would never see the love.
It all made him sad. Rudra poked a finger in the centre of Om's chest and accused, "You truly sinned that day."
He moved back. Wiping his tears, he took a moment to gather his thoughts. Then he spoke breaking Om's heart.
"But then, I think, the truth is that you never loved Shivaay Bhaiya. Loving him was an act of rebellion to get back at your parents. All you wanted was to instigate them and show them that you were going away from them. Why? Because they were so involved and blind to their own problems. You just wanted to trigger them. Poor Bhaiya was just a pawn in your mind games."
Rudra turned around. He wanted to leave. He said what he always wanted to tell Om. He took a few steps towards the door.
Om gasped. "No..."
Rudra stopped and turned around. His eyes flashed furiously. "Yes. If you had a drop of love for him, you would have never let him go."
Om rushed towards him and tried to grab his hands. Rudra kept moving back. Om cried, "No. Please. Listen to me."
"Don't touch me!" Rudra growled like a hurt animal.
But Om persisted. "Rudra. Please. Stay. I am willing to do whatever you want. I beg. Please."
Rudra laughed sarcastically. He gave Om a pitying look. "I was not there but I imagine, this is exactly how Bhaiya must have begged you too. You didn't listen."
Om shook his head. "Rudra, I am sorry. Please forgive me. I have been in hell since you left."
At that, Rudra narrowed his eyes. A vein started to tick on his forehead. Om was testing his patience.
"Really?" Rudra snatched his hands back harshly. Words oozing hate, he bit out, "Were you thrown out of a Mansion overnight? Were you character assassinated? Did you have to suffer in silence and oblivion? Did your entire family not believe you? Did your world crumble in just an hour? Were you so distraught that you had hallucinations? Were you so disturbed that you tried to take your own life?"
Om gasped again. Rudra saw his hands fall by his sides at the revelation. He wanted to punch Om. He wanted to shake him and tell him the consequences of his actions. How was it still not about Shivaay? How were they still talking about them not surviving without Shivaay? How...gods.
His palm curled into a fist. Blind rage came over him and he connected his fist with Om's jaw. He flinched when Om fell to the ground. But it felt good. His brother deserved it for the fuckery he had pulled.
"Om, I lived in the waiting room of a clinic for three months as Bhaiya battled clinical depression!" Rudra screamed himself raw. "At some point, they had to restrain him so that he didn't harm himself. He was diagnosed as a borderline schizophrenic. We all thought he was getting better and then suddenly one fine day, he tried to stab himself."
Om's shoulders shook as he dissolved into tears once again. Rudra was glad that he could see the hurtful realisation in his eyes now.
Rudra looked down at his brother. "Your words, your betrayal have cut deep. You have no idea about hell. You really have no idea what you have done to my brother. So no. I am not going to forgive you."
He crossed his arms. "I am old enough to take a decision on his behalf. We are never coming back. I am not going to fall for your words. Not after what I have seen my brother, my Bhaiya go through."
Hearing that, Om scrambled towards Rudra in panic. In a truly desperate and pathetic move, he clutched Rudra's leg. "Please Rudra...stay. I will die. I need Shivaay. End my punishment. Please. Come..."
Shivaay turned around and walked away from the terrace door. He couldn't see it anymore. He never thought that he would ever get to see Om like that. But here he was. His heart thudded. He was never supposed to see such a thing. He felt his throat choking. Maybe it was a mistake to come back.
************************
"Oh no!" Pinky rubbed Ansh's back to stop the hiccups.
The little boy chuckled after listening to his own hiccups. Pinky's eyes welled up again. He was just like her son. Ansh too was a part of her. Now, he felt so distant and unattainable. She had missed out on everything. The tragedy of it all sat heavy.
"Don't worry. He sometimes gets hiccups after finishing his feed. It goes away in a few minutes..." Anika told her calmly as she wiped the gurgling baby's lips. She had not expected it but Ansh was having a great time with his great grandmother and grandmother. He was great with people just like her. She sighed.
"Did he have hiccups in the tummy too?" asked Pinky with a sad smile.
Anika nodded remembering her beautiful pregnancy. "Yes."
The sad smile intensified. Pinky put her hand on Ansh's head and kissed his cheek. She let her lips linger on his skin. Anika knew what it was. It was just a grandmother who was making the most of the twenty-four hours. She averted her eyes. She had no business feeling sad for her mother-in-law. But she couldn't help it.
It wasn't so much about them. It was about Shivaay and her Ansh missing out on the love of their own family. Sure there was no shortage of love in their current lives, but she couldn't help but think of the what-ifs. It would have been perfect if Ansh had taken birth into this joint family. He would have been the first great-grandchild. It would have been beyond special.
Pinky's hugged Ansh. "He is just like my Shivaay. He was also the same. I used to stay awake the entire night because he couldn't stop hiccuping."
It made Anika smile. She could very well imagine it all. Her husband now hiccuped after drinking too much.
"He grew out of that habit after two years though when he started solid food," Pinky added, her hold on Ansh staying the same. The baby grabbed her hair and played with it making her laugh.
"We could have watched him grow, Pinky. We could have..." Kalyani patted Ansh's small head.
Anika eyed Bhavya who just shrugged back sadly. They both were feeling the same things. Kalyani silently sobbed as she watched Ansh play with the new humans around him.
"What did we do?" Kalyani cried. "Why?"
Anika shuddered. She didn't know how to react. She didn't do well around emotional people. The only person she could handle during outbursts and breakdowns was her husband. Maybe that was only because he was her world, the love of her life. Only on a solely human level, she felt bad for these people. But she could never forget how the same people treated her husband. They had left him traumatized by not believing him when he needed that support the most. Because of them, she had almost lost him.
"Anika..."
She shook herself out of the thoughts when she felt a hand over hers. Anika blinked when she saw Pinky in front of her. She was on the ground, crouching and on her knees. She was about to pull her up but Pinky clutched her hands, requesting, "I know we have lost the right long back but can you forgive us?"
A sigh escaped her lips. Why were they making it so difficult? She told Pinky, "I wasn't the one you wronged, Aunty."
Pinky nodded and kept on crying. "I know. But I have lost the right to ask for forgiveness from Shivaay. I don't think I can look into his eyes anymore. I...I don't even...I am sorry. I want him back. Please ask him to talk with me. I made a mistake. I should have...I should never let him go. I should have never said those words. I...I will do whatever it takes to earn this forgiveness. Please, please, please help me. Let me atone. Please."
Anika looked at Bhavya again. Silently, Bhavya shook her head. She knew it was next to impossible for any of them to forgive the Oberois. They all held grudges like no other when it came to Shivaay.
Anika patted Pinky's hand. "I empathize with you as a human. But it ends at that."
Pinky's face crushed further. She whimpered. But Anika continued, "As a wife, as a partner, I cannot ever forget how you all treated Shivaay. You didn't disrespect him. You disrespected your own upbringing."
A fleeting memory of his chest flashed in front of her eyes. She swallowed. "You have scarred him. Literally."
"Forgive me....please." Pinky desolately cried. "Please don't go. I am not strong enough to let you all go yet again."
"Aunty..." Anika tried to explain it to her as nicely as possible.
Shivaay could not see anymore. Forget her, he was not strong enough to listen anymore. He cursed himself. He shouldn't have come to his grandmother's room in the first place.
************************
Hurt. It still hurt. Damn. Restless, explosive rage churned in his chest. His family was trying to stop him now? Now? Now when he had managed to so painfully put pieces of his life together? He clenched his jaw. He didn't want to scream. Or maybe he wanted to.
As if on autopilot, his feet took him to his room. He didn't care if the door banged behind him or not. He blindly dashed towards the bed and sank by it. He panted. Pain sparked in his chest and spread throughout his body. How dare they?
"It's okay..."
He felt hands on his back. He turned blindly. Hands cupped his face. "Shhh! I am here."
He looked at Anika's gentle hand rubbing his chest. She grabbed a glass of water from the nightstand and held it near his lips. He managed to take a few sips.
Shivaay sighed. The world was back in focus. Leaning on the side of the bed, he closed his eyes and took a moment to calm down. He had not thought that all this would be this tough. He wasn't prepared to see his family like this.
Holding Anika's hand, he rued, "I am sorry. I shouldn't have agreed to stay."
Anika didn't say a word. It forced Shivaay to look at her. He did. He found her smiling a little. She kissed his knuckles. "You did the right thing."
"How?"
"Gauri told me that this was the happiest she has ever seen Dadi..." Anika told him. "Ansh has made her so happy."
Shivaay smiled too. "Ansh brings happiness everywhere."
He reached out and rubbed a soft finger on her cheek. "He is just like his mother. Benevolent. Beautiful. Kind."
Anika scooted ahead and rubbed his beard. "He is like his father too you know."
"Chachu too!"
Shivaay and Anika looked at the door to see Rudra walking in with a grin. Both of them smiled. Shivaay especially was sure that his son had indeed taken after his Chachu a little. He was a hit amongst ladies.
As Rudra settled beside Shivaay, they both playfully bumped their shoulders. Then Rudra handed him a tablet strip. "I went to grab this."
Shivaay took it from him but exhaled and shook his head. "Nah. I am fine. I don't need this pill right now."
Rudra nodded. He had gotten into a habit of carrying Xanax all the time. Shivaay's panic attacks ranged from severe to mild and one never knew when they needed to resort to the pill. In any case, he was always prepared.
Though he looked away. It had been a hot while since he needed to pull the strip out. Shivaay was doing fine for a fairly long time now. It had to be the curse of the house they were in right now. It never failed to fuck up his brother's mind.
Letting out a pained breath, Rudra looked around. He wanted to divert his mind. He observed the room. "They kept the room as it was."
Anika snorted. Shivaay ran a hand over his face. He was tired. He said, "Why. What is the use of doing all this now?"
"It's our repentance, Shivaay. We let you down and so we have to suffer for it."
Shivaay's head snapped up. Shakti was standing at the door of his room. His heart sank. He didn't want to keep going back to that incident again. But it looked like there was simply no escape from it.
Jhanvi and Pinky were standing behind him. Jhanvi took a few steps ahead. "It's a reminder that we couldn't keep our son with us. A daily reminder that we threw away the most precious person we had. It haunts us."
Rudra threw his head back in annoyance. He turned to look at Anika and she also looked like she had enough.
He got up from the floor and crossed his arms. He looked into Jhanvi's eyes and spat out, "Well, what you did has haunted Shivaay Bhaiya much longer. At least you are still Oberois. What you did stole his very identity, his very reason to exist. So I am sorry but I don't feel bad for you. You deserve the sadness."
Shivaay's irises diluted. He knew he was breathing too fast. The world around him dulled into mindless voices. He sighed. Then cursed. Fuck. What had he done? It hit him now. He shouldn't have agreed to stay. His mother's desolate crying echoed in his ears. He cringed. He squeezed his eyes shut. He saw Om clutching Rudra's legs and begging. Shit. He saw his grandmother on the bed, struggling to take a breath. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Suddenly he was replaying everything. The mansion's upkeep was not nice. On some of the walls, the paint was peeling. The fountain was closed. The fabric on the couch was worn out. Worn out? Were those loose threads sticking out of his father's suit? His father? Why did he look sick? Wait? Was he sick? Is that why his mother was so desperate? Where was the uniformed staff? Why were there photographs of him peppered all over the mansion? Why did the painting over Om's bed look suspiciously like him and Rudra? Why did they all look like that? Like they were waiting for him? Why did they look like time had stopped for them the moment he left? Why...
"Shivaay? Shivaay!"
Two hands cupped his face. He looked up. It was Anika. He forced himself to take a breath. He couldn't. He closed his eyes again. His heart pounded. Relentlessly. So much so that it felt like it was bleeding.
He looked down. Gah. Maybe it was bleeding all these years. Maybe the entire family was pulling and scratching and knocking on his heart. Maybe, he also needed to pull at it. His hand roved over it. He started to scratch it slowly. He had heard it somewhere, when the heart stops beating, the pain ebbs. He could try. One scratch. Two. Three...
"Please for god's sake, breathe!"
Someone begged. There it was. Someone was begging again. Who? He didn't know. His head hurt. He clutched it and groaned. Coming back had set off the same loop of thoughts. He could never really snap out of his torturous spiral. Was he cursed? Was it his destiny? Was he...Shivaay didn't even know what to think anymore. He just wanted to be left alone.
"Leave!" Shivaay screamed, willing his body to calm down. "Leave me alone."