Kane
There are no dangerous thoughts , thinking itself is dangerous .
A quote from one of my favorite philosophers , Hannah Arendt .
Thinking is a double-edged sword . Think too much and you might go crazy . Think too little and you might never survive . There is no in between , thinking is just like breathing , we never stop thinking even in sleep , we think of every moment that irritated us and translate it in the shape of a dream or a nightmare , depends on the thing bugging us . It's not hard to think , but it's hard to stop . The human brain can't stop working and generating ideas and thoughts , sometimes even when we order the sounds inside our heads to shut up they won't comply , simply because that's almost impossible .
There are some rare cases when we don't think at all , when every thought is shut down behind a very thick wall , and those moments are the most dangerous and vulnerable moments that actually require thinking .
Looking at her prevents me from both breathing and thinking , yet I do it anyways . She has this aura about her , that pulls me like a mesmerized child watching a magic show for the first time . Her hair is in a ponytail , her lips plumped and brilliant , her cheeks pink from the heat of the day , her clothing style has slightly improved , giving away her actual age and making her appear like a teenager .
I might have been ... watching her from afar .
One thing I didn't like , is Iker Lambert roaming around her . Sometimes hitting on her , other times trying to bully her . But I believe she showed him her claws somehow since all he's been doing lately is ... tease her .
I roll my eyes then let them slide slightly to him . He's staring at her . I fist my hands and look away taking a breath .
Aside from the fact that he has an assignment in front of him which he is supposed to work on but obviously chose to ignore , the boy is staring at his classmate . I should kick him out of the class and send him to the principal's office . But I don't , somehow it seems like doing that will give away my thoughts .
I look at her again , this time she is sitting nearer , which is by the way even worse .
I have a class to teach and I still need to be taught self control . My eyes have been very disappointing and unreliable in hiding my conflicted feelings that refuse to leave .
Hannah is concentrated on her paperwork , her brows drawn together in a frown while she chews on her bottom lip ... probably unaware of the gesture . Unfortunately I am very aware of it . As if sensing my eyes on hers , she lifts her head slowly . Our gazes meet , it's like two planets crashing together causing a cosmic fusion , one of which scientists will talk about for generations . The air has never been heavier , blinking has never been harder , she looks at me and I look at her as though we are glued and unable to move .
« Mr Oliver ? » Hannah looks down again , blinking twice before picking up from where she left . I look at the girl who is raising her hand now , nodding at her to ask her question .
« Can my evidence be something personal or ... from real life ? » Paget Baldwin says in her silky soft tone while I look back at the question on the whiteboard : If you were to argue that Raskolnikov was a good person , what would you use as evidence ? If you were going to argue that Raskolnikov was a bad person, what would you use as evidence ?
« If it's logical , I don't mind . » I say with a smile and she returns it back before looking down at her paper again . This girl and Hannah have been inseparable lately , although Hannah always looks bothered around her , as though she is forced to put up with her .
Not just her , Iker Lambert is present with them quite often . He apparently is a friend of Paget's but I suspect he enjoys Hannah's company more . I know when a boy is careless enough to stare at some girl like this .
Soon the bell rang and the students flew away while making sure to put their papers on my desk .
« I really want to skip physics ! » Paget Baldwin's loud tone reaches my ears as she waits for Hannah to gather her stuff .
« Nobody's stopping you , Paget . » Hannah says in a flat tone .
« But I don't want to do it alone ! »
« Iker would be delighted to skip school with you . »
Paget rolls her eyes and sighs . « Okay let me make this clear . I want us to skip school together , go shopping for our Halloween's costume for the upcoming House Of Terror party , maybe ? »
Apparently this is the name of the Halloween party the school is hosting this year , which will take event two days from now . Everybody here is so worked up about it , the principal is making it his mission to impress the parents in every occasion he gets . The students ... well they are teenagers who are still willing to dress up and smear fake blood over their bodies to prank one another and then get drunk secretly .
Hannah scowls as she stands up , both the girls start walking towards my desk . « Who said I am coming?»
« I did , and no I don't want an objection . Please . For once , have some fun ! »
Hannah stops on her heels and turns to her friend . I didn't know she was always so serious around everyone including her friends . Here I thought I was special .
« And you think a Halloween party at school would be fun ? »
« Don't you think so ? » Paget frowns and tilts her head to the side .
Hannah only shakes her head as they both put their papers on my desk while I pretend to be reading my book and not at all eavesdropping on them .
« Well you are coming , I will talk to Mrs Floris too , if I can't convince you I am sure she can . » Paget says pointing her finger at her friend who is scowling as she puts her paper down and heads for the door not sparing me a glance . « Have a nice day , Mr Oliver ! » Paget smiles politely , I smile back while Hannah keeps ignoring me . I hate how easily she does that , how it is almost natural to her to treat me like an annoying fly instead of an actual person .
I should be grateful she didn't make a big deal out of the way we met , the things I said and all . She decided to ignore it all happened instead of telling someone and getting me in trouble . Why am I upset about it ?
Absolutely no clue .
But I know one thing , is that I will make her see me , wether she likes it or not .
**************
This things never change .
Halloween costumes , candy and people dancing in the big indoor stadium , decorated as a haunted house , with skeletons and fake blood splattered around , a screaming dead bride hangs on the wall and students , parents and some teachers who are social and extrovert enough to tolerate the noise and chaos around to attend are filling the space with chatters and laughters along with the already loud music . I am usually not one of these teachers , but this year is an exception .
Things have a slight change this year . Which is why I am here dressed in a masquerade costume . I tried to choose something serious and fitting for the occasion , and I thought that would be it . I look down at my black aristocrat vest embroidered with flowers around the collar and a black tailor pant along with a black masquerade mask hiding the upper part of my face . I stand tall among the crowd , students look at me with curious and confused eyes , I know I might look suspicious standing here alone but that's all I can do now .
I also scan the crowd looking for her but she's not here . Not yet actually since Paget seemed firm the other day about taking Hannah with her here . I just want to watch her from afar , see what she is like when I am not around , catch a glimpse of her smiles . The only time she smiled was while talking to her mother on the phone , only then was she so carefree and light . Afterwards all I could see was her grumpy frown and bothered expression around the school . The only one who tolerates that is Paget , and I am pretty sure it is a lot of work .
« Drink ? »
I turn around to see Ellie , she always makes a big deal out of such occasions . Sometimes I think she likes to believe she is still young and capable of celebrating such events like those teenagers around us , swaying under the faint disco light and wearing all sorts of hideous costumes , two girls are wearing matched zombie nurse costumes , while a grown up man – most likely a parent – is dressed like a noble man from the eighteenth century and Ellie ... dressed like Ada Lovelace but sluttier .
I won't get into the details of her costume because that's Ellie , she is sweet and kind but also not as innocent as she seems apparently .
Not that I got to glance her other sides but she gives that impression sometimes .
I take the drink and nod at her silently , noticing that the room stilled a bit , or maybe I was kicked out into another realm as I watch the entrance door , from where Hannah walks in a red fluffy dress and a red short veil in her chocolate brown hair which is styled half updo . She is walking in , linking arms with her mother .
They look nothing alike . Hanna's mother's eyes are brown as well but soft unlike her daughter's who possesses predatory eyes , and her costume doesn't help .
« That girl is a nuisance , don't you think ? »
Ellie nudges me , forcing my eyes to break away from the girl I am still trying to figure out a way to kick out of my head but still can't and don't want to at the same time . Even knowing that I have to . That I shouldn't be so attracted to her because there is no good ending for it , especially not for me .
I look back at the woman besides me and take a sip from my drink . « Why so ? »
She shrugs . « She is never paying attention in my class . Thought I would talk to her about it but the girl is all defensive and never speaks more than three words at once . »
Ellie rolls her eyes , she is used to kids having issues in their lives and loves helping them , I don't know why Hannah is so different that Ellie looks like she couldn't care less about her .
And why do I have the urge to defend Hannah to Ellie ?
When I look back , Hannah's gone .
« You looking for someone ? » Ellie asks and I squeeze my eyes shut . This is the worst time to be near me . I look at her again .
« No , I just ... » I have to get her away from me . « I just think I saw Billy here , she didn't look fine . »
Ellie's eyes widen slightly and she starts patting the wig in her head looking around in worry . Billy is a senior who had addiction issues last year but Ellie stood by her side to get her clean .
Yes , it's a dick move to lie like this and I admit it but I have to find Hannah .
Not to talk to her or go anywhere near her ... I just want to keep watching her .
Like a creep .
I shut that thought down when Ellie excuses herself to leave . Soon after , I am pushing through the crowd looking for God's surprise that landed on my lap unexpectedly . Literally .
« Miss Floris , you look stunning ! » Paget's voice lures me to turn around , but the surprise is that she wasn't talking to Hannah but rather to Hannah's mom . Why did she call her Miss Floris instead of Mrs ?
The music is loud and the kids are dancing and eating from the various dishes on the buffet table while their parents are chatting and laughing , the teachers who are present sit in a faraway corner along with the principal , who wears a proud expression on his face . I look around , lost among all the bloody faces and creepy smiles along with wicked laughs . With my silly costume and hidden face , I feel like a ghost looking for a body to possess just to feel what it is like to have flesh and blood again , the difference is that I just want to see her relaxed smile again , it's like I have been starved for it , my only consolation is that I wasn't the only one she deprived him of it , not Iker or even Paget got a special treatment from her , only her mom is immune to that grumpy character of hers apparently .
The room grows smaller with the people who keep coming , but even in a room full of people I was able to see her , finally , near the bar waiting for a drink for her mother and Paget probably . I walk closer watching her carefully as I pretend to be swaying to the music .
She looks beautiful even in a Halloween costume , and that says a lot . Hannah is scary without all that , one look from her can shut anyone down . I absolutely admire this about her , the ability to put everyone in place , no matter who or what they are , all that matters is who she is .
A girl passes behind her and blocks my vision for a second before moving , she is wearing a purple wig and a purple jump suit along with purple makeup . Such a big love for the color .
When she moves , I notice something different about Hannah .
Then I realise that her dress was slashed open at her back ... revealing her panties too . Damn it !
My jaw ticks and my eyes narrow at that girl who disappeared now , mingling in the crowd . Nobody should see Hannah like this , but she doesn't seem to notice yet .
I can't leave her like that . And I can't let anyone see her like that either .
So in a rare moment of irrational thought , I walk to her until I am standing behind her as her turn finally came for her to ask for drinks , this close to her I feel like suffocating , however I am here for a very valid reason . I remove my vest and put it on her startling her , she looks back at me with those big brown eyes and I am a goner .
« What are you doing , teacher ? »