A/N: My dissertation is kicking my ass and I feel like shit, so I wanted to revisit this Patreon oneshot I wrote for Christmas and share it with you guys for a laugh. No, it's not Christmas, yes, Easter just passed buttt I don't give a heck lol 🤣
Pls comment! I wanna know your thoughts on oneshots like this and your reactions make me feel like we're reading together! Have fun! ☺️🫶🏾
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THE LETTER
Dear Santa,
My name is Reuben Brett and I am the bestest boy known to mankind, therefore I should be acknowledged as such when you start dishing out gifts this christmas. Not only does my name spell 'good boy' when written backwards, I also have a sparkly green name badge that labels me as such.
It is only right that you too put me on the good list and give me everything I want and need this year. If you don't, you will go to hell and I will tell all the kids in my neighbourhood that Mrs Claus gave you pubic crabs!
Just kidding!
This year, I successfully stopped my Daddy from breaking up with me, was good enough to earn a new Master whom I love very much, and even went to all my college classes without failing a single course! As you can see, this much dedication to the very difficult and extremely tedious task of behaving myself, has paid off and I'd like a reward that proves my efforts have been noticed and appreciated.
I'd like a new sports bike so that I can take Mister Hopper and Spotikus to the park so we can visit their ex wives and children (that last part was an order from insect family court). I'd like the Zelda game for my switch since I finished Mario Bros and Mario Cart. I'd like a chocolate fountain for my bedroom and a swirly slide. Daddy said I can't cut up the ceiling so that I can slide from my bed into the kitchen, but I respectfully disagree and surely, he can't argue with Santa, so please ignore this small hiccup and install it anyway.
Finally, I have a super huge ask. Yesterday I was in the food court at college, minding my own business and behaving myself as previously discussed, when some girl told me that I was a weirdo for talking to my pet cricket and that it was 'giving mentally disturbed'. While I was smashing my burrito in her face and dumping my milkshake down her shirt, I got to thinking...
Wouldn't it be so fucking - i mean freaking - cool if Mister Hopper was human for a day? I think it would be totally awesome to have my bestest friend be seen and valued, much like a human. We could do so many things and I wouldn't have to worry about squishing him! Plus, it would be nice not to get harrassed by cricket hating bimbos. So, please make Mister Hopper human for a day so that I can have fun with my best friend. Also, I spent ten dollars on that burrito and milkshake combo so I'd appreciate it if you could refund my account :)
Anyways! I hope this letter reaches you in the North Pole, or England, since we all know Santa is actually British and the Queen's cousin! Remember the joke I made on line seven? Hahaha, make me happy this year Santa!
From, Reuben.
REUBEN POV
Master Nolan made it apparently clear that he didn't trust me to accompany him and Daddy on their Christmas shopping trip, explaining that it was 'extremely serious business' and there was no room for 'Reuben's tomfoolery'.
After being read a list of offences from our last family shopping trips such as secretly eating the chocolate and chips out of the cart before making it to the check out, accidentally-on-purpose hiding three new video games inside a bag of fruits and almost breaking Daddy's ankles playing Mario Kart with the shopping cart... I was told that I was being left at home.
Did this make me extremely mad considering he had no proof of that list of offences? Yes.
Did a ten minute speech full of empty promises of excellent behaviour, forgiveness and one hundred and two chances change my Master Dom's mind? No. No, it did not.
And so, I was left home alone while both my men ventured out into the wilderness and chaos of shopping for food, presents and decorations, five days before christmas. Well, I wasn't totally alone.
I stared at Eva who was edging towards the stockings hung up above our empty fireplace. She'd torn mine down ten times already and I was losing my patience with the ugly little grinch. I'd wanted to spray her with water but Nolan had equated that to animal abuse.
Eva leapt off the coffee table, landing right on my stocking, thin, pink and grey hairless tail waving as she clawed my stocking down. Her one, beady green eye glistening with evil and a twinkle that told me this was totally a personal attack! I ran at her waving my arms. "Move, you little gremlin! Get off my stocking! How dare you?!"
She hissed, gripped my stocking between her sharp little canines and then did a runner, dashing from the room with my stocking dragging pitifully behind her scarred ass. "IF NOLAN DIDN'T LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'D GET THE HOSE!" I yelled after her, but she pranced away without giving a fuck and I was left standing in the living room, stockingless and disrespected in my own home.
Sighing, I set about grabbing blankets and pillows for the couch, readying to morph into a potato and watch Christmas movies until my men returned. There was nothing like a good movie marathon and a nap to pass the time. But as I was snuggling up on the couch, remote control in hand, ready to hit play on 'Elf', a loud rustling sound filled the room.
I froze, remaining as still as a statue, my heart pounding in my chest as the noise continued to fill the room, becoming louder and louder. What the- All of a sudden, something hard and heavy flew down the chimney, landing in the fireplace with a booming thud. I leapt up, almost falling over the back of the couch in my haste to get away.
There in the fireplace was a massive red sack, but whatever was inside the sack was moving around and I felt like I'd been transported into the lead role of a horror movie. But I was so shocked, so completely thrown off guard that all I could do was stand behind the couch and stare dumbly as the sack continued to move, toppling over and opening.
A man slid out. I repeat. A man. Fell out. Of the sack. That just fell. Down my chimney.
A fully grown fucking man!
My mind rebooted and those 'holy shit, intruder alert' blaring sirens finally kicked in. I picked up the lamp that sat on a small cabinet behind the couch and threw it at the man. He screamed, ducking out of the way as the lamp went flying, only to smash at his feet where he'd been lying minutes before.
"Wait! Wait!" He squealed, holding out his arms as if to stop me.
"I'M NOT DYING TODAY SATAN! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!" I screamed, running across the room to the other lamp. I threw that one at him and he squealed as it sailed past his head, smashing against the wall.
"IT'S ME! IT'S ME! STOP! AHHHHH!"
I chucked the remote and it bounced off his forehead with a smack, almost knocking him off his feet. He swore and cursed, holding his head in his hands as he wailed. I took my chance, leaping over the couch and sprinting past him, across the hall and into the kitchen. I skidded around the island, almost crashing into the cabinets as I lunged for the knife rack.
The strange man came stumbling after me and I screamed again, yanking Daddy's meat cleaver off the rack and waving it around as though I was holding a samurai sword. "STAY BACK MOTHERFUCKER! I WILL KILL YOU!" My head whipped around searching for a phone or something I could use to call Daddy or Master Nolan, or heck, the FBI!
I was about to be molested! Trafficked! Sold on the black market where some rich fuck-head would pay to eat my beautiful dick and scramble my marvellous balls! It was all over for me! I hadn't even made it to the freaking Bahamas!
"Bitch! Calm the fuck down! It's me, Mister Hopper!" The stranger yelled, groaning as he still held his forehead. The remote must have had a sharp corner because he was bleeding between his fingers. "I can't believe you attacked me!"
"You're not Mister Hopper! How do you know Mister Hopper?! Have you been watching my house?! STALKER!!" I accused, my panic increasing tenfold. He knew too much! Mister Hopper's existence was classified information!
Besides, if he'd been watching the house, he also knew that I'd accidentally dropped Nolan's contacts lenses in the toilet last week and hadn't come clean when my poor Master was losing his mind looking for them! I had to kill him now!
The stranger began digging in the pocket of his jeans... really nice funky jeans actually. Maybe after I killed him, I could wash the pair and keep them for myself. He pulled out a folded piece of paper and held it out across the island towards me. A bomb?!
"Your letter to Santa and his reply! You asked him to make me human for a day! He dropped me off so we could hang out! Though I should probably ask him to pick me up after this damn welcome! Domestic violence?! In the first five minutes?! You fucking bitch!"
"Domestic violence?! More like self defence you creep! Gimme that!" I snatched the paper out of his hands. Sure enough, it was my letter to santa. I recognised my handwriting and the red glitter gel pen Daddy had bought for me to use. We'd posted the letter together. On the backside of the paper was a written note that hadn't been there when I'd sent it.
The writing was all swirly and hard to read. I shoved it back at the intruder. "Read it! I don't know cursive!" He rolled his eyes but did as he was told, reading the letter aloud.
SANTA'S REPLY - READ BY MISTER HOPPER
Dear Reuben,
Thank you for your letter, it and all your threats have been happily received. While you may need to relearn the spelling of your own name, reconsider the morals of throwing burritos at women, and contemplate respecting your Daddy's wishes to not drill massive holes through the kitchen ceiling, I agree that you have been incredibly hard working this year.
Your efforts have been noted and I am happy to let you know that you are indeed on the good list this year. I'm proud of you for making some much needed changes in your life and of course, there is no better gift than acquiring a new Master in your life. I would know.
Now, to address the gifts you've asked for, Master Nolan has already bought you the bike, Daddy Maseo has the new Zelda game in his Amazon basket and I have enough sense to not install swirly slides against his wishes, Santa or not. Perhaps discuss this gift option further and maybe things will be different next year, who knows?
That leaves your last gift request. I must say, this is a demanding gift and requires a lot of willpower and magic, but it can be done. Mister Hopper will be human for one day, a total of twenty-four hours. However, there will be some rules a seasoned submissive like yourself should have no problems following.
No fornicating with human Mister Hopper. No leaving the country and fleeing to Barbados. No murdering, accidental or not. And finally, Mister Hopper must not be seen by anyone else. I trust you will stick to these rules and hope the two of you have fun together until your twenty-four hours is up.
By the way, Mrs Claus is my husband's drag name and Mister Claus doesn't have crabs in his yummy candy cane bush. Just thought you should know. Merry Christmas Reuben.
From Santa.
REUBEN POV
Woah.
Could he really be telling the truth? Santa had turned Mister Hopper into a human, per my request? Holy fucking shit?! My defences began to lower, but I couldn't drop them all straight away. That would be stupid! I was many things - classically handsome, super charming and romantically blessed - but I was not stupid!
I sized up the stranger, really staring hard. He was tall, taller than me and kind of buff. Slighter than my men, but obviously strong. He had faded green hair, wild and fluffy, and cool. They reminded me of the leaves of trees blowing in a breeze. His eyes were a much sharper, brighter green, smart and wise, with kind wrinkles in their corners.
They were trustworthy, expressive eyes and my defences further lowered. He did resemble Mister Hopper a little bit, despite the fact that he was very human. I could see my best friend's features in him and what I imagined my best friend to be. He had many piercings just like Daddy and I, and tattoos like myself. He was big and huggable and... he smelled like lemongrass.
Fuck, I love lemongrass.
I cleared my throat, straightening my back. It was time for some rapid fire security questions! I was about to get his ass quicker than Google sending alerts every time you logged in on a different device! If he was my ultimate best friend he'd have to prove it!
"I have a birthmark-"
"Right armpit, shaped like a tiny hedgehog when you let your pubes grow."
Hmmm, if he'd been watching the house it was possible he'd seen me naked.
"My first car was named-"
"Bumble Bee."
Fuck! Well... if he knew I was a bug nerd, it was possible I was that predictable.
"My favourite movie-"
"Princess and the frog because Ray reminds you of me. But also Aquaman which is controversial because the movie was trash, you just fantasise about sucking Jason Mamoa's wet dick-"
"Doesn't everyone?!" I protested, waving my knife around. I stared at him and finally asked one last question. This one was sure to prove whether or not he was my best friend for real. There was no way he wouldn't know the answer to this if he truly was Mister Hopper. "Where did we first meet?"
"Outside this very house, on the porch. Daddy had just asked you to move in and you were sitting on the swing above me, crying. You were scared because you were sure it would go all wrong again, like with your first dom. But you wanted to trust him so much. I was there and even though you were so upset, you picked me up, spoke to me, and rubbed my head," he smiled fondly.
I swallowed thickly, my throat suddenly tight. He was right. That was how we'd first met. It felt like ages ago, yet it was only almost four years since I'd acquired my best friend - well, his first body that is. There have been twelve more ever since.
"Then you kidnapped me from nature! You selfish, sadistic human!!" Mister Hopper accused, but he was grinning playfully and I smiled up at him, finally lowering the knife to the counter. "Can I please hug you now? I've been wanting to do this since forever."
I sprinted around the counter and leapt into his arms. He caught me, holding me tightly to him in a huge hug that had me feeling entirely overwhelmed, safe, happy and excited all at the same time. I squeezed him, burying my face in his neck and smothering my nose with his lemongrass scent. "You're really him."
"I am," he mused. "You know, this body really sucks, but I'm so happy I get to do this. There have been many times I've wanted to crawl through the glass of my enclosure to hug you when you needed me, but I couldn't." He rocked me from side to side and I felt my heart swell.
I smiled, swallowing thickly. "Just having you around is amazing. You're my best friend and I wouldn't be here without you. I'm never lonely when you're here. I love you."
"I love you too."
"Should we kiss? I feel like we should kiss."
Mister Hopper snorted, putting me down and stepping back, but we still held onto each other's arms tightly. "Santa says no fornication," he laughed. "Besides, cheating with your best friend who's also a cricket, seems pretty fucked up and I don't support that notion, as your certified bestie."
"Fair," I agreed, before I was overcome with curiosity. Before either of us blinked, I reached out and grabbed the waistband of his trendy jeans. I popped the button and tugged them down, then I pulled at his underwear so that I could take a look at his dick.
We both stared down in wonder.
"Did you tuck? I wanna see it!"
"No fornication, no penis. It's Santa's design."
"Wow."
We continued staring silently down at the empty, kind of creepy barbie-doll-like flat, fleshy place between his legs for ten seconds longer. Once my fascination was satisfied, I snapped his underpants back in place and pulled up his jeans.
"What are we doing today?!" I cried excitedly, holding his hands and jumping up and down. He jumped with me, grinning. "My best friend is human for a day!"
"Well, I suggest staying indoors because Santa's rules state no one should see me," he said gleefully. "Wanna have a rave?!"
"Hell yeah! I've always wanted to throw a secret, totally rule breaking party when I've been home alone, but I've had no one to invite!"
"You set up the sound system, I'll grab the snacks!"
We sprinted off in separate directions and I ran as fast as I could into the living room. Carefully ignoring the smashed vases littering the floors. I grabbed the speakers off the television unit and my phone, sprinting back into the kitchen. Mister Hopper was spilling cheetos, gummy bears and chocolate bars all over the island counter.
I quickly set up the speakers and before long, Tinie Tempah and Labrinth's 'Frisky' was blasting through the room, the amplified bass rattling the windows and sending powerful vibrations through my stomach.
Mister Hopper passed me a bottle of vodka out of nowhere - most probably a bottle Nolan had bought for christmas. I uncapped it and took a slug, almost choking as it burned its way down. I was already jumping up and down, head banging to the music.
Mister Hopper and I danced around the kitchen island, chasing each other, shovelling snacks into our mouths and drinking. It was safe to say, I'd never had so much fun in my entire life!
Three hours later, I was giggle-drunk, and half naked with my underpants were on my head, and Mister Hopper was sitting in the sink with the tap running, with bubbles on his head, belting passionately along to Mariah Carey since our music had slowly digressed into Christmas bangers!
He'd somehow gotten a hold of one of Nolan's whips and was smacking me with it as I did laps around the island like a show horse. Hit me bestie one more time!
It was only as I passed the sound system for the thousandth time that I realised my phone was ringing and I came skidding to a stop, peering down at the screen. Nolan. There were also fifteen missed calls between my Master and my Daddy, according to the notifications. Huh. I hadn't heard it ringing.
I turned the music down, snatching up the phone and rushing over to Mister Hopper. We both exchanged horrified looks as I held the phone like a bomb. "What should I do?!"
"Answer it!"
I swiped on the answer icon and slapped the loud speaker. "Hallo, this is Pablo speaking, how may I help you?" I asked as calmly as I could, but my voice was high pitched and squeaky. I also wasn't sure if my pronunciation was decent considering I was completely shit faced.
"Reuben! What the fuck, why weren't answering your phone?! We called like twenty times! We were worried about you! Daddy was about to call the fucking police!" Nolan growled. Oh shit, he was mad. Like mad, mad.
"You were sleeping! You were sleeping!" Mister Hopper whisper-yelled, slapping his hands together and pressing them to his cheek, mimicking a pillow.
"Pablo was napping," I announced matter of factly. "I apologise profous-prof-poopily."
"Have you been drinking?!"
Mister Hopper vehemently shook his head.
"No. Nooo, not at all. I only drink from the mississippi riverrrr and we live in Canadaaaa."
"We don't live in Canada," Nolan snapped. "We're on our way back. Don't do anything stupid. Fuck, you're in for it when we get home, boy."
"I'm not stupid! You're stupid! Pablo, out!" I ended the call.
"We gotta clean up this mess before they get here!" Mister Hopper yelled, more panicked than I felt. I always forgot he was the embodiment of my self consciousness. "Quick! Grab the supplies! You clean up the kitchen and I'll clean up the lamps in the living room!"
He struggled out of the sink, gasping as water splashed across the counters and the floor. We dug around in the cabinets, finding a dustpan and brush, some cleaning products and rags. I began sweeping the leftover crumbs and half eaten gummies off the island and into my hands as fast as I could, dumping them out in the trash bin.
I tried to clean as much as I physically could, but the room was spinning and everything felt really... spacey. I also had bad hiccups which was making it harder to breathe by the second. Mister Hopper emerged from the living room, rushing over. "I've cleaned up the lamps and hidden the evidence in the bins outside. Everything is back to normal. Here, drink this!"
He thrust a glass of water at me and took over sweeping up the residue of our feast until the island and countertops were spotless. Mister Hopper drained the sink, moped the floor and then he grabbed me, running for the stairs. "Brush your teeth and wash your face, it'll get rid of the vodka smell!" He deposited me in the bathroom, disappearing again.
I did as I was told, brushing my teeth in the sink. Mister Hopper came skidding back into the bathroom with new clothes, a set of sweatpants and a shirt. He stripped me while I washed my face and within no time, I was in fresh clothes, my breath minty, my face clean.
He princess-carried me quickly through the halls and into the Reubix cube where he dumped me in bed. I crawled under the covers, tugging them up to my chin.
Downstairs I could hear keys jingling in the front door and my heart began to pound. Holy shit! They're here! Fuck!
"Stay calm! Act your little butt off! You're not drunk. You were startled awake by their calls and got disorientated! You are not drunk!"
"I'm not drunk," I repeated fiercely.
"Channel your inner Denzel Washington!"
"I am Denzel!"
Mister Hopper dove under my bed as rushed footsteps thundered up the stairs. Two seconds later the door to my room swung open with force and Nolan and Daddy were standing there, frantic and panting.
Nolan's sharp blue eyes scanned me from head to toe and I felt like I was going through screening at an airport with pocket knives in my pants. Sweat formed across my forehead, my hands shook beneath the sheets and I think everyone could hear my heart racing.
"Reu?" Daddy asked warily. "What's been going on?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," I squeaked. "Who's Reuben? I'm Denzel."
I think I heard Mister Hopper's facepalm because I was not Denzel Washington and Master Nolan was not buying my bullshit. It probably didn't help that I'd called him stupid on the phone earlier. Yup... that definitely hadn't helped things.
"I'm... sorry?" I squeaked, the apology coming out as a question.
Apology denied!
An hour later, I was back in bed with Mister Hopper, inside the Reubix Cube, cuddling with my best friend while he iced my sore bottom. Nolan had spanked me to the gates of heaven and back, my ass throbbing and bruised. My eyes were still swollen from crying and my throat was sore from all the screaming I'd done.
But I'd taken all thirty-five of his spanks like a champion, knowing I deserved them, but not quite remorseful for having fun with Mister Hopper. My first ever house party as a college student had been with my best friend and I would cherish the memory and the spanking forever. Now, I was cuddling with him inside my cove.
Daddy was cooking dinner downstairs with Nolan who was still blowing off steam, none the wiser to Mister Hopper's existence. That was perfectly awesome because now, we could battle each other playing Smash Bros on my switch! Nolan's spanking hadn't broken my spirit at all, and within minutes, I was squealing and laughing again in Mister Hopper's arms as we battled it out, bumping shoulders and swapping foul insults!
By the time dinner was ready, I was in high spirits again, barely thinking about my sore bottom. "Mister Hopper? How many kids do you really have?" I asked as he helped me out of bed, wiping up the moisture on my bottom where the ice pack had melted over my skin. He was gentle and attentive, slathering the aloe gel Daddy had given me over my flesh before tugging my pants back up.
I held his hand, swinging back and forth, rocking on my feet. He glanced at me sideways. "Forty-two," he said smugly and my eyes widened with shock. Forty-two?! I really needed to take him back to the park more often if he had that many kids to spend time with! How would they all feel loved?!
"Holy shit!"
"Yup, though some of them got eaten by birds so I'm averaging around thirty five, it goes up and down. Little brats!"
"Your family is so freaking huge! So many aunts and uncles and cousins and salty grannies and territory disputes and rouge baby daddies," I laughed, though I had to quiet down to a whisper as we walked slowly through the hallway, heading for the stairs. He matched pace to my waddle, our fingers entwined. "It's just me, Daddy, Nolan, Eva, you and Spotikus here."
"Yes, but you, my friend, create more drama than all my family members combined," Mister Hopper chuckled, side-eyeing me teasingly and I snickered.
"It's a talent!"
"It sure is! You know what else is a talent?! My ability to talk you out of those situations! I think I deserve a best friend award for saving your ass too many times to count!" He goaded, and I nodded, laughing despite myself.
"That's true!" I smiled up at him, my amusement turning to gratitude and intense feelings of love. Not romantic or sexual, just a soul deep love for someone who'd been with me through everything and had never let me down no matter what. I owed him so much.
"You won't leave right? You'll stay with me forever?"
Mister Hopper hugged me tightly at the top of the stairs, pulling me into his chest, surrounding me with lemongrass again and I sank into him. "Always and forever. I'm not going anywhere. Even in my cricket body, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but by your side, Reu. You're my best buddy."
"Reuben! Your dinner is getting cold!" Daddy called up the stairs and I stepped out of Mister Hopper's embrace.
"If you wait here, I'll eat and come back! Wait, do you need to eat too?" I pondered and Mister Hopper looked down at his stomach, prodding experimentally.
"I could eat something," he frowned, patting his stomach.
"Wait, but how does it come out? If you don't have a dick, maybe you don't have a butthole? Bend over and drop your pants, let me see!"
"I farted earlier, I definitely have one," he grinned, making me giggle.
"I'll go sit down first. Wait until I distract them and then crawl under the table and I'll feed you the best I can!"
We high fived and I waddled down the stairs, rushing to meet Daddy at the table. He was setting down a basket of buttered bread in the middle of the table, but looked up as I burst into the kitchen. He opened his arms and I barrelled into them.
"How's your bottom? Still uncomfortable?" He asked, rubbing my back gently, his thick, dark eyebrows furrowed with concern, his green eyes kind and sympathetic. He'd been just as upset as Nolan to find out I'd been drinking without permission, but he was always there to hold me during and after every spanking and I knew that all was forgiven once my punishment was over.
"No Daddy, It's okay, Mister Hopper helped me put aloe on the bruises," I smiled, nuzzling his chest. He pressed an affectionate kiss to the top of my head.
"Handy little friend," Daddy hummed. "Sit and eat your lasagna, Reu. It'll help you sober up the rest of the way too. I don't want you puking tonight."
I nodded and walked over to my chair beside Nolan, lowering carefully, wincing when my bottom touched the seat. Nolan looked over. He wasn't smiling, always my strict and serious Master, but I saw the care in his expression as he helped me push in my chair. He ran his fingers through my hair and I smiled up at him bashfully.
"What did you buy from the store?" I asked, picking up my knife and fork and digging into my plate. It was easy enough to get both men talking about what they'd picked up, from the food they were planning on cooking, to the gifts for family and friends.
I offered to help rub the turkey and cut the veggies, but I was quickly redirected towards decorating cookies and building the gingerbread house. I couldn't be totally mad, if anything, that was the most exciting task! "Okay, but I think we should build a gingerbread nightclub instead of a house! BDSM themed!"
Daddy shook his head, chuckling. "We're not doing a racy gingerbread theme, Reu. That's not the Christmas spirit we're going for."
"Why not? We can have like ten gingerbread men! All paired up in different poses! With gumdrops for booty cheeks and little twiglet cocks! We can string them up on the walls with icing! Oh, and I can make a Saint Andrew's cross out of cookies!" I fantasised, painting the vision for them! Now that I was really thinking about it, it was a freaking amazing idea! Wow, I had so much creative talent! Go me!
"First of all, twiglets are disgusting so we're not using them for cocks, the tastiest part of a man, I might add," Nolan interjected, and I almost choked on my lasagne, my head flying up to meet his deadpan face.
When a small smirk tilted the corner of his lips up, a giggle burst from my mouth.
"See Daddy! Master Nolan gets it!"
While we bantered about the morals of having a sex themed gingerbread house on Christmas, a mostly religious, yet heavily commercialised holiday, Mister Hopper army crawled from the stairs, across the hall and under the table.
I felt his body settle between my thighs and spread my legs so he could kneel and rest his cheek on my lower stomach. I grabbed a slice of bread and discretely reached beneath the table, feeding him the buttery goodness.
I fed him bits of lasagne off my fork and slices of bread until we were both full. Daddy cleared away our plates of food, standing and heading for the sinks. "Can I watch TV upstairs now? In the Reubix Cube?"
A yowl belonging to one extremely annoying cat suddenly erupted from under the table and Mister Hopper began squirming against my legs. I glanced down, but I couldn't see much aside from the top of his green head. No, no no!She'd give him away and Santa strictly said no one could see Mister Hopper in his rules!
"Don't you think you've watched enough TV? We thought we'd play a boardgame before bed, you know, as part of the Christmas spirit," Daddy said, and Eva hissed loudly, making Nolan turn around. He began leaning, about to look under the table to see what she was making all the noise about.
I leapt out of my seat, rushing over to him. "Master Nolan! I think I got aloe in my butt crack! It's burning!" I yelled, turning, dropping my pants and mooning him, immediately taking his attention off of Eva.
Mister Hopper scurried across the floor like a true cricket, crawling out of the kitchen as fast as he could with Eva biting at his toes like the little Christmas gremlin she was. Luckily, he wasn't seen.
Before Nolan could even begin to comprehend that I was flashing him my ass and bruised bottom, I yanked my pants back up. "Nevermind! Wait, actually, kiss it better!" I dropped them again.
"Reuben, are you high?"
"No."
I yanked my pants up again when he made it apparently clear he wasn't going to kiss me. Too bad. I turned and plopped myself down on his lap, yelping through the pain. "I'm just really happy today!"
He studied me behind his glasses, tilting his head. "You are? Why, Little One? You're all over the place."
"Because..." I began, taking his glasses off his face and slipping them on my own. "This is my first Christmas with you."
Nolan's face softened dramatically, perfect blue eyes turning as warm as a summer sky and he grinned, leaning into pepper kisses all over my face. "You really are the sweetest Little One, when you're not running my blood pressure through the roof, and getting drunk off your ass at home. I'm happy to be spending this Christmas with you and Daddy too."
"You mean it?"
"I do. I love you, Little One." He took his glasses back, sliding them sexily up the strong bridge of his nose.
"I love you too." I leaned in to kiss him, moaning happily when his tongue clashed with mine in a domineering dance that left me thoroughly claimed and satisfied.
While I was mostly overly excired and hyper because of Mister Hopper, I hadn't been lying when I'd said I was happy to spend Christmas with him. This was fun and new and exciting and while Christmas with just Daddy and I had always been great, I was so excited to share the special holiday with Nolan too.
"I love you but I don't want to play boardgames with you because you always win and that makes me angry," I grinned sweetly. "It makes me want to call you names like 'motherfucker'and 'satan's big toe' and 'annoying-ass bitch'. So I want to watch a movie because that'll keep me on Santa's good list this year."
He rolled his eyes and pinched my thigh. "Watch your mouth or you'll be on my naughty list and trust me, you don't want to be on my list. Go and watch your movie. Daddy and I will be down here if you need us. Make sure you brush your teeth and wash up before you get too comfortable and fall asleep."
I smacked a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you!" I hopped up, kissed Daddy too, and then ran from the room, all the way back upstairs. Mister Hopper was waiting on my bed and I dove into his arms. "Did you get enough food?"
"Yup! Thanks for that! Daddy is an amazing cook. I've been salivating over his meals for years," he reminisced, licking his pink lips gleefully. I nodded vigorously, because he was right. Daddy was the best home chef in the entire world. "What are we doing now? We've still got a couple of hours before bedtime and then I have to go."
A pang of pain and panic struck my chest and I tensed, holding him tighter and squeezing my eyes shut. "I don't want you to leave. Can't you stay like this forever?" My throat felt tight, and I knew that I would cry and crying was illegal in Reuben's book of rules.
I hated crying. Yet my eyes showed no mercy as I imagined Mister Hopper disappearing again.
"I'm not leaving, I'll just be a cricket again. Santa's magic doesn't last forever and we only have a day. But human or not, I'll always be with you, you know that. Have I ever let you down before?" He asked, rubbing my back in soothing circles with his big hand as I snotted all over his shoulder.
"Yes! Remember that time you dropped dead before my twenty-second birthday?!" I wailed.
"That was out of my control! You can't hold that against me! And I came back like two hours later because Daddy found me a new body outside on a tree! I wasn't gone for long!"
"Remember that time you told me it was a good idea to put marshmallows in the air fryer and they melted and burned and it almost caught on fire, and then Daddy banned marshmallows from the house for six weeks?!"
"How was I supposed to know marshmallows were a fire hazard?! It wasn't stated on the instructions! That was a manufacturing issue, again, not my fault!"
"What about the time you told me to go commando at the club because it was sexy and Daddy would appreciate it when he was tearing my clothes off and then I was dancing too hard and my shorts tore open and my balls fell out on the dance floor in front of everyone?!"
"Okay first of all, commando is sexy! Second of all, who told you to backflip into a split?! Of course your shorts tore open and your balls fell out! But you do have marvellous balls, so it was hardly a nightmare flashing the club! They were probably jealous! I think it was at that point Prescott Willis realised he was a couple inches lacking and decided to make you his sworn enemy!"
We stared at each other long and hard before bursting into laughter. My stomach hurt because I was cackling so hard. I threw my arms around his shoulders and held on tightly. We really had been together through everything. When we both sobered, Mister Hopper flopped back on my bed and I snuggled into his side, laying my head on his chest and throwing a leg over his thigh.
"I think... even though sometimes I tell myself I don't care... I see the way people look at me, you know? Like I'm a freak because I talk to you and all my other insect friends like you can talk back, when really, I'm just talking to myself... because I'm lonely," I admitted, the tears burning the backs of my eyes again. "I can't make any friends because I'm a weirdo. But because I'm a weirdo, I can't live without you and it's a cycle. I just wish everyone could see you too so they don't think I'm... crazy."
"I understand, I really do," he whispered, patting my back. "But Reuben, everyone has their thing. Everyone's a little bit crazy. The crazy cat lady. The crazy car dad. The guy down at the grocery store who likes to put away the trolleys even though he doesn't work there - it's just fun for him? Or heck, what you do is no different to an owner who talks to their dog or their cat. Even Nolan talks to Eva like she's his actual kid."
"It's because you're a bug," I murmured,
"Yup! But that just makes those people pet-racist. It's a thing! They hate bugs and so, they isolate you and that's not your problem! You don't need friends like that anyway. We'll find someone who likes bugs too, like Kaleb at the club!"
"I do like Kaleb!"
"You should call him more often."
"Maybe."
"Feeling better?"
"No."
"What do you need?" Mister Hopper cooed teasingly.
"A back massage. You might as well make yourself useful while you have hands."
"You little bitch," he laughed, but he did indeed give me the best ever massage, second only to Daddy's magic touch.
We laughed, played, talked and teased all the way into the night and before I knew it, I'd fallen asleep and the morning was upon us. I woke up with Mister Hopper sprawled across me on the bed, snoring with his green hair splayed across my pillows. I patted his head, the way I would with my finger when he was inside his enclosure.
"Mmmm," he hummed happily, rutting his hips, causing me to snatch my hand back and smack him instead.
"No fornication!"
He slapped me back. "I'm not fornicating! Your mind is in the gutter!"
"So is yours! I'm being poked!"
"No you're not!"
'I am!"
That little spat ended up in a wrestling match that had me gasping for breath and Daddy knocking after we fell over the side of the bed with a thud. After assuring Daddy that I was okay, and yes I was coming down for breakfast, and no I hadn't brushed my teeth yet, and yes I would put clothes on before I came down, and no I didn't know where the missing living room lamps had gone - Mister Hopper and I lay giggling in a pile of pillows.
He helped me up and I poked my head out of my room. The coast was clear.
Breakfast went as well as dinner did, Mister Hopper crawling beneath the table while I distracted my men with wayward thoughts and dramatic tales. Eva was still biting at his ankles and hissing, but I distracted her with spoonfuls of whipped cream off the top of my hot chocolate and before I knew it, I was conspicuously feeding two pets beneath the table.
The morning passed by way too quickly and with each passing second I became more and more aware that my time with human Mister Hopper was going to be over. We had a lucky break, where Daddy and Master Nolan decided it was a good idea to start getting the porch cosy and ready for Christmas Eve s'more roasting.
They were setting up new chairs and fairy lights, along with a portable fire pit for the grassy lawn beyond the front of the house.
That left me inside the living room with Mister Hopper who didn't have to hide now that they were outside. We stared at the fireplace and he retrieved the sack he'd been hiding inside when he'd arrived from underneath the couch. "I think I just get back inside and then Santa will pick me up through the chimney?" He pondered, opening it up.
"I suppose," I shrugged, pouting stubbornly. I wanted to light the sack on fire, tell Santa to fuck off and book those runaway tickets to the Bahamas with my best friend. This wasn't fair. One day hadn't been enough time at all. I wanted Mister Hopper to come to class with me and eat lunch with me on campus, and come to the club and dance and go to the park to meet his kiddies.
I wanted him to have dinner with Daddy and Master Nolan and I wanted to introduce them properly and reassure my men that I wasn't losing my mind, that my best friend really didexist. I'd have the perfect life if Mister Hopper could remain in his human form forever.
"Oh Reu, don't do this. Come on, I'll be back before you know it in my little enclosure, and we'll continue just like normal. I'm not going anywhere. Our friendship isn't about the way I look, it's about the relationship we have and the safety we offer one another," he sighed, opening his arms and I ran into them, holding on as tightly as I could.
"I don't even have a dick, how can you love this body more than my cricket, hmm?" He teased and I sniffled pathetically.
"Because you can hug me like this," I cried.
"Sir, you have two more men who can hug you just like this."
"But I want three."
"Greedy."
"A little bit."
"A lot," he laughed. "You wanna start a harem?"
"Yeah."
"Okay Reuben," he patted my head placatingly, finding this too hilarious for my liking.
"Don't you love me?"
"I love you, but if I keep telling you, you'll grow a massive head."
I knocked my knuckles against my skull. "It's already big. Tell me you love me!"
"I love you Reuby-Rue."
"I love you too. Tell Santa if he doesn't get me a swirly slide, I'll sabotage his slay and tell Mr Claus I caught him balls deep in the Grinch's ass behind a tree outside McDonalds yesterday."
"Reuben, that is not helpful, but I will pass it on," Mister Hopper snorted. He stepped back and I missed his warm embrace and lemongrass scent immediately.
I helped him climb inside the sack. "Do I close it?"
"No! I'll suffocate! No murder means not killing me too!" He peeked out of the sack, his fluffy green hair and eyes visible. "Bye Bye! I'll see you next year, maybe, if you're good!" He wiggled his eyebrows.
"I'm always good!" I smirked. "See you next year!"
He plopped down, disappearing inside the sack and then, by magic, it closed up by itself and he began floating up the chimney, disappearing out of sight.
I sighed, rubbing my wet eyes and patting my chest to soothe my momentary heartache. I looked towards Mister Hopper and Spotikus' enclosure, sitting on the coffee table and sure enough, Mister Hopper was there, his familiar chirping filling the room again.
"I miss you already."
"Of course you do. I'm amazing! Now, take me outside! We're missing watching your dominants haul furniture around the porch! Free sexy material, Reu! Go, go, go!"
~•~
A/N: Reuben dissasociating and calling himself 'Pablo' every time he knows he's in trouble is my favourite thing ever!!! XD This is my favourite oneshot of all time! Mister Hopper x Reuben BFFs forever lol! 🤩