Author's Note: This chapter contains possibly triggering content. It talks about relapsing from self-harm. Please don't read if that makes you uncomfortable.
If you ever need someone to talk to, my messages are always open, my loves. I'm here for you all. I love you.
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You kept your eyes locked with Taylor's as she finished her speech and prepared to start the first surprise song of the night.
This is always one of your favorite parts of the nights she performs - the surprise songs.
She usually tends to share with you which ones she plans to perform that night but tonight, she insisted these stay a surprise for you as well.
You know that means that it's got to be one of your absolute favorites by her so you've been impatiently waiting to find out which ones they might be all night tonight.
Her smile was bright as she looked at you and strummed the strings of her guitar, listening as the fans screamed excitedly in response.
But they weren't the only ones to recognize it quickly, you'd recognized it from the first note as well.
Clean.
Clean has always been one of your favorites by Taylor.
The song has always helped you through so much, having gotten you through some of your darkest moments.
Taylor knows how much it means to you... but you don't think she realizes just how much it means to you now.
When you first began to get serious with her a couple of years ago, you had been very open about your struggles with self-harm.
It was easier to come clean about it to her rather than have her ask questions when she inevitably saw the scars on your wrists sooner or later.
You had told her how much clean had gotten you through and how it, quite literally, helped you become clean.
For a while, and especially when you're with her, the urges had completely vanished.
But recently, they returned.
It was just a couple of nights ago when they started to creep back up on you and they seemed to be back with a vengeance as they were so much stronger and more intense than ever.
As hard as you tried to resist, it eventually became too overwhelming and you gave in.
Hearing her sing clean tonight would usually bring the biggest smile to your face but, instead, you felt guilty because, for the first time in a while, you were not clean.
You could see on her face that she was concerned when she saw you looking down and guilty.
It's very unlike you to not sing along during the show but especially to one of your absolute favorite songs; one that means so much to you.
You tried not to let her see the tears falling from your eyes and you tried to enjoy yourself but your mind could only run with thoughts of how disappointed she might be to realize that a song she'd sung especially for you tonight didn't mean the same as it used to.
You listened to the fans sing along while you kept your gaze on the ground in hopes that she wouldn't notice something was wrong.
But she could see it from where she was; you were very upset about something and as much as she loves performing, it almost made her anticipate the show ending so she could find out what was going on.
--
You tried to get the thoughts and worries out of your head and enjoy the show like you always do.
These moments are magical, there's nothing quite like seeing your girlfriend shine so brightly.
But your mind just wasn't the same as it had been up until a couple of nights ago, when the urges returned, and you were struggling to cope with it.
Though you were caught up in your head, you still did your best to be the supportive girlfriend that you always are by cheering for Taylor and putting on your best smile.
But the show didn't last much longer and before you knew it, the end of the midnights era had arrived and she took her final bow.
You headed backstage, knowing that she'd meet you back there.
Once away from all the eyes on you from fans who recognized you, you were able to take some deep breaths and try to focus on resisting the urges a little more.
However, as you were trying to catch your breath, two hands covered your eyes and you jumped.
"Surprise!" Taylor giggled before wrapping her arms around you.
She could sense that you needed some comfort and, as always, she was more than happy to give that to you.
You closed your eyes and tried to focus on the warmth and safety you felt as she held onto you.
"What's bothering you?" She asked as she kissed below your ear. "I thought you'd be happy when I started playing clean but the entire time, you looked so upset and almost... guilty."
You stayed quiet, unsure of how to tell her what was going on.
She unwrapped her arms from around you and took your hand to lead you to her dressing room.
Once inside, she closed the door and turned to you.
"Talk to me, baby. What's going on?"
The guilt was back on your face and the sight made her heart drop.
"Why do you keep looking like that, darling? What's on your mind?" She asked as she stepped closer to you.
"There's something I haven't told you about."
"What is it?" She asked, her blue eyes full of worry. "You're acting weird. Please tell me what's going on."
"Taylor," You sighed. "I love clean. It's one of my absolute favorites, you know that. But it's hard to enjoy it the way I used to when... I'm not."
"What do you mean? You're not clean?" She asked.
And as soon as the question finished leaving her lips, she realized what you meant.
Wordlessly, she grabbed the sleeve of your shirt and moved it up your arm to see the marks along your wrists.
"Oh, baby," She whispered in sadness.
"I'm sorry." You said as tears stung your eyes. "I know you must be so disappointed."
"Disappointed? What? No, baby, that's the last thing I could ever be when it comes to you and this situation. What I am is worried." She said as she looked at the cuts. "These look very fresh."
"They are." You confessed. "I did it again today... and yesterday. And the day before yesterday."
"Baby, is that when this started again?"
You nodded.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I was afraid to, I guess. I was doing so well. It'd been years since I last felt the urges. I thought I was over this. But then, it came back and I just... relapsed. I'm so sorry, Taylor."
"No, don't say sorry. You don't have anything to be sorry about." She softly spoke as she lifted your chin and gazed into your eyes. "It happens, baby. A lot of people relapse. What we have to do is focus on getting you better again."
Your lower lip trembled as she stared at you, her eyes so soft and so full of love for you.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
"It's okay. I understand this must've been so hard on you. I know opening up about this can't be easy but I'm so happy that you did. Because I love you and I don't want you to hurt yourself."
"I don't want to hurt myself either." You sniffled.
"I know." She whispered.
"But now, I don't know if I ever will get better."
"You will. Because you can. I believe in you. I've seen how hard you fight and how strong you are. Don't be ashamed that you relapsed, that happens. Let's just move forward. We'll get you help and I'll be right there with you every step of the way. You don't have to be scared about it. You don't have to feel embarrassed or bad about yourself for this happening. You opened up to me. You told me the truth. That takes strength. I'm proud of you."
You exhaled shakily as you listened to every word she said.
"I love you more than anything, you know that. There's nothing I wouldn't do to make sure you're safe and happy. We can get you help and, through whatever it is you have to do, I'll hold your hand. Every step of the way. And we'll get through it together. You can always lean on me."
You put your arms around her again to hold onto her tight.
"Hey," She whispered and held you close. "I've got you, baby. Don't cry, it's going to be okay."
Tears fell from your eyes as you kept a tight grip on her.
"It's just been so hard."
"I know." She said.
"And I just didn't know what to do. I know I can come to you but sometimes my thoughts aren't pretty and I don't want to bother you."
"You're not a bother." She insisted. "You're my girl and I love you. You could never be a bother to me, not ever. And it's okay, darling. A lot of people go through this. Your thoughts don't have to always be pretty. I'll still love you the same."
Another tear fell down your cheek.
"I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere, okay? I've got you. You're going to be okay."
"Please don't ever let me go." You sniffled.
"I won't, my love; not ever. I promise."