TW: ED/minor SH mention, MH talk
I'm on the back porch again, and Clover is next to me. I'm not sure how to say what I need to tell her.
"Is everything okay?" she asks.
"I feel like I need to be the one asking you that. Not the other way around."
She nods, and an awkward silence fills the space between us.
"I know you keep saying you're fine, at least around other people. My friend and I think you just don't want anyone to worry about you."
"I suppose it is a bit like that.."
"Clover."
She looks at me. "Yeah?"
"I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer me honestly," I say softly.
"Are you mad at me?" she asks, averting her eyes.
"No! No, definitely not. I'm sorry, I must have worded that wrong. I don't think you could ever get in trouble by my standards. I just want an honest answer."
She glances at me, tears forming in her eyes.
"Come here," I whisper, holding out my arms.
She falls into my chest, sobbing into my hoodie. "I'm sorry-"
"Shh, shh." I wrap my arms around her, rubbing her back. "It's okay."
We sit there like that for a minute until she stops crying.
"I'm here. I'll always be here for you."
She doesn't move. "Promise?"
"I promise." A beat. "Are you okay? Like, truly, definitely okay?"
She shakes her head and I hug her tighter.
Suddenly, my phone rings, and when I turn my head, I see Sernie's name and profile picture on the screen. "Oh, I have to take this," I say as I pull apart and grab my phone.
"Who is it?"
"My friend Sernie. Would you like to meet him?"
"Sure," she says, sniffling.
I answer the call and Sernie is on the screen with Cedar. "Hey, Sern."
"Hey, who is that?" he asks.
"This is Clover," I say, leaning my head on her shoulder. "Clover, this is my friend Sernie."
"It's nice to meet you, Clover. Cameron has told me a lot about you."
"All good, I hope?" Clover asks.
He nods, and Cedar licks his face, making him laugh. "Cedar says hi," he says awkwardly. Right on cue, Cedar sniffs and licks the camera.
Clover giggles. "Hi, Cedar," she says.
"Clover and I were talking, and then you called and she wanted to meet you," I explain.
"Oh. Should I hang up?"
"No," Clover says quickly. "You can stay."
I look at Sernie and smile. "What she said."
Sernie laughs again, full and hearty. "Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Clover."
I look at Clover and whisper, "By the way, he knows about everything. I'm sorry I didn't ask you first before telling him."
Clover nods. "It's okay," she says. "How long have you guys known each other?" she asks, a little louder.
Sernie lets out a breath, looking up. "Ooh. Um, maybe-"
"Twelve and a half years now?" I finish for him.
"Yeah, I'd say that's about right," he replies, nodding as he looks back at the camera. "A little over twelve years."
"Wow," Clover says, nodding.
A short silence passes. I shoot Sernie a look that says help me.
Luckily, he comes to my rescue without question.
"Are you.. How are you, Clover?"
"I'm fine," she says.
I give Sernie a look that says, See what I mean?
Sernie's eyebrows furrow in concern. "Are you sure?" Cedar licks his face, and he turns his head away from the camera as he pets the dog. Then his full focus is back on us. "Cameron has been telling me how worried she is about you. She cares about you a lot."
Clover looks to me for confirmation, and I nod solemnly. "Oh," she says.
A short silence passes between the three of us.
"Are you okay?" I whisper.
She shakes her head.
"Clover, can I ask you something?" Sernie asks.
Clover nods.
Sernie hesitates. "I'm not saying this is what's going on, but my thought is that the reason you were.. Hitting yourself, or why you aren't eating, is because you're trying to punish yourself for something. Does that sound about right?"
Clover nods again, and so does Sernie.
Ms. Kendra opens the door and steps out onto the porch, a cup of tea in her hand. "Is everything alright?" she whispers, closing the door behind her.
I nod, and then turn back to my phone. "We've gotta go, I think," I say to Sernie. "Sorry."
"It's fine!" he assures me. "It was nice talking to you."
"Yeah. I'll call you later?"
"Sure."
"Love you."
"Love you too. Bye."
"Bye." I hang up and put my phone down on the porch. Clover rests her head on my shoulder, and Ms. Kendra sees it as an invitation to walk closer to us.
"Why aren't you two in bed?" she asks.
I give her a look, slightly motioning my head to Clover, and she nods.
Clover looks between us both and then whispers to me, "She knows, too?"
I look away. "I'm just worried about you," I say again.
"Are you guys okay?" Ms. Kendra asks.
I nod, and so does Clover.
"Why don't we go to bed, and then we can talk about this tomorrow?" Ms. Kendra suggests.
"Alright," Clover whispers.
Ms. Kendra gives me a look, but then it's gone. Clover and I stand up, and I lead her inside. She doesn't look at me as we enter the bedroom.