Taehyung's POV
I shut the door as soon as Jungkook steps out. Locking it, I go to my bed and collapse down, heaving a sigh. I hate Jungkook. I hate him so much. I hate the fact that he looks like hyung.
I hate this school. I hate my previous school too. I hate every school. I don't want to study anymore.
No, I take it back. I want to study. I just hate going to school. I should better do homeschooling or something.
Lying on my bed, I involuntarily tear up. I can't bear this anymore. I don't have any idea what I should do. I'm scared to go to class. I'm scared of seeing people. I'm so pathetic. I'm a loser. Tears run down my both cheeks one after another.
Suddenly my phone rings near my ear, making me flinch. I grab it and look at the caller ID. It's my Mom calling. I quickly wipe away my tears and breathe in and out a few times, trying to calm myself down. Then I answer the call.
“Hello Tae,” Mom says enthusiastically from the other side of the line.
“Hello Mom,” I respond.
“What are you doing? Did you come back from school?” She asks.
“Yeah..I just came back,” I reply.
“How are classes? Is it tough?” Mom asks.
“Classes are g...good,” I say.
“Uhm..are you okay, Tae? What happened to your voice?” she asks confused at my hoarse sound and lack of response.
“Yeah..I- I'm okay,” I say.
“Okay..did you get new friends?” She asks.
“Uhm....yeah..I g..got to know a few people today,” I say.
“You aren't feeling lonely there, right? Everything's alright, hmm?” she asks, not convinced by my earlier reply.
“Yeah, everything's g..good, Mom. No need to worry about me. I'm alright. Okay, I'll c..call you later. I was gonna go sh..shower,” I say as I feel tears spring to my eyes and run over.
“Oh..okay,” she says and I quickly end the call, breaking out into sobs.
I don't want to tell her that again people are bullying me here and this school is worse than my previous high school. Mom and Dad are really happy that I got to study for free in this highly reputed school. I don't want to worry my parents again. I'm already a big burden to them with my stupid stutter although they would never say that. I shouldn't worry them again. I'd somehow manage this.
I sit up on my bed and wipe my face, deciding to do the pending homework from yesterday. Yesterday after I somehow wobbled into here, I fell on the bed and cried for a long time before I finally fell asleep.
I didn't do anything yesterday or today. I was in bed the whole time with my phone and laptop. And I have only eaten a packet of cookies and a packet of Doritos today. But I don't feel hungry or anything. I still have more packets of cookies.
I don't know how I'll get the notes from today's classes. Tomorrow I should go. I can't sit hiding inside this room forever. I'll now go, take a shower and then complete my homework. I terribly feel the need for a shower.
I slip out of my bed and walk to the bathroom. I look up at myself in the mirror above the wash. I look like a mess. My hair is all disarrayed and messy. My eyes are red and puffy with dark circles surrounding them, especially a very big dark mark under my right eye where they punched me.
My lip which is swollen is shivering painfully as I look at it in the mirror. It'd have been good if I could get some Ice. But here there's no way I could get Ice. So, yesterday I just applied some ointment from my first aid box. Good that I brought the first aid box with me.
I strip out of my clothes and step into the shower, closing my eyes at the spray of cool water hitting my warm skin. Fifteen minutes later, I get out of the bathroom, get dressed, and sit down at the table to complete my works.
When I finish all the works, it's only 7:30 pm. I again lie back on my bed with my laptop, scrolling through the internet to find some good movie to watch. Good that there's free Wi-Fi in dorm.
Suddenly a movie called ‘Painful Secrets’ catch my eyes and I click to see the info. Ironically, It's a movie about a teenage girl getting bullied. I instantly feel like watching the movie and I play it, lying back comfortably and placing a pillow over my stomach to raise the laptop a little more.
I can relate so much to the girl in the movie. My condition is similar to hers. But I'm horrified when she suddenly produces a razor blade out of nowhere and starts cutting her arm. I involuntarily squeeze my eyes tight at the sight of red blood oozing out of her hand.
When I open my eyes, the scene has ended. But it kind of scares me that I quickly close the movie. However, I'm still thinking about the girl as I distractedly search for some other movie. What satisfaction does she get by cutting herself? She is already in pain because of the bullies. Why cutting herself? I'm confused.
I pick a high school romance movie and start watching it. Ten minutes into it, suddenly a knock is heard on my door. I instantly pause the movie, feeling nervous. Two more knocks are heard. Who is now knocking on my door? Warden? Or is it Jungkook's friend? I'm scared.
I place the laptop aside and slowly crawl out of my bed. Knocks continue to rein on the door as I hesitantly take steps towards it. I'm feeling more nervous now after watching that movie. I have a strong feeling that it's them and they are here to hurt me.
“C'mon, open the door,” a guy says from the other side of the door. It's not Jungkook's voice. Neither is it, Donghyuk's nor Hyunwoo's. It's someone else. I reluctantly take the lock and pull the door open to reveal four guys standing in front of me, smirking at me.
From the looks they are giving me, I can clearly say they are not here for a friendly chat or anything. Probably they too are gonna bully me. And they are all well built and muscular. I don't know what's going to happen to me.
“New student?” One of them asks. I nod.
“Hmm...you are the one who stutters, right?” the second guy asks. I again nod.
“What took you so long to open the door?” the guy on the extreme left asks.
“I was watching a m..movie,” I reply.
“Oh..I see,” he nods. “You didn't go to class today?” I shake my head 'no'.
“So you are here to skip school and watch movies?” the first guy asks raising an eyebrow. “Easy, right? Free stay, free Wi-Fi and nobody will care.”
“No, I wasn't feeling well,” I reply.
“That's a nice excuse,” the last guy says. “Probably you are never gonna feel well again.”
“So, anyway, you are now free, right? We've got you some works. You can put your laptop aside and do it,” the guy in the middle says peeking into my room and looking at my laptop.
Why? Why me? Why only me? What am I gonna do now?
“You and me share Biology together. And we've got a new assignment today. To write about different types of bones …er.. no different types of joints in the human body along with diagram. We need to submit it on Friday. So write a copy for me too,” The guy on the left says nonchalantly as if I'm someone appointed by his Dad to do all his assignments.
“Why don't you reply?” the really tall muscular guy among them asks. “What? You can't do it? You want to watch movie now? Then we'll better destroy your laptop so that you don't need to spend time watching movies anymore,” he says trying to enter my room. No! I can't get my laptop broken.
“I will do it,” I quickly say, blocking him.
“Good,” he mutters and steps back.
“We share Chemistry,” the guy on the left says. “If that Yoo happens to give some stupid assignments, then you'll have to do it for me.” I nod trying to calm myself down. I don't want to get my laptop broken or get manhandled by these four jocks right now.
“Good. Now go and start doing the Biology assignment. I want it by tomorrow evening,” the other guy says. I nod again while I feel exasperated. I want to punch his face.
The four of them turn and walk away, not before glaring and smirking at me once again. I close the door shut and lean against it. My hands fist into balls in extreme frustration while I grit my teeth together tightly in an attempt to prevent myself from screaming out loud.
After a few minutes, I finally walk to my cupboard and start searching for the Biology text. I can't believe I started furiously throwing things out of the cupboard, searching for the bond paper and markers.
Once I get the things I need, I barge to the table and sit down, scraping the chair harshly against the floor. I open the Biology text and start furiously copying down the paragraphs about types of joints.
Suddenly the light goes off and I start panicking, my heart beating hard against my chest, double the rate than normal. I move my shivering hands on the table searching for my lamp. Fortunately, I find it within a few seconds and I somehow quickly switch it on. Then I hold my hand against my chest, breathing in and out a few times, trying to steady my breathing and heartbeat.
The light from the lamp was really dim that I knew it could go off at any moment. I didn't charge it today. So once I calm myself down, I quickly go and switch on my mobile flash. Then I go to the cupboard and start searching for the candles and lighter. I soon find them and I walk back to the desk taking two candles and the lighter. By the time I lit the candles, my lamp goes out.
I sit down on the chair looking at the flickering orange flame. I bend a little forward and continue gazing at the blue portion of the flame. It kinda felt calming and meditative.
I sit gazing at it blankly for some time. Then I start thinking about my life. How worse my life already is. How much worse it can get?
Life is so difficult and I don't actually wanna live. But I need to somehow live this life, at least for my parents. They can't lose one more son. But how will I deal with all my problems?
Out of nowhere, an idea pops into my mind. I suddenly pluck out one of the candles from the table. It won't be that bad. Let me see whether this can help me. I stretch my right arm and tilt the candle slowly. I wince and fist my palm as the candle wax falls on the warm skin of my arm, causing a stinging sensation in the area.
Tears start to form in my eyes as memories of my high school life flash through my mind. People calling me stutter boy, nerd, stupid, disgusting. I hear it every day. And I know it's true. I'm worthless and disgusting.
Ignoring the burn and biting down on my lips, I continue to drop the candle wax little by little onto my bare skin. I trail it from my wrist till my elbow and then again trail back a line to my wrist. Hot tears fall from my eyes to my arm along with the hot wax and I'm sobbing. It hurts. But it also feels good.
My fisted hand is shivering as I draw a third line. My blue veins are flexing. A searing pain goes through my hand and my whole body. I squeeze my eyes shut in pain and hold the candle straight. “Enough!” I pant out to myself.
Finally, I open my eyes to the hot wax involuntarily falling onto my sensitive fingertips. I fix the candle down on the table and then look at my arm adored with the three white lines of wax.
I should get red candles, I think.