»«
And I love you with a love you don't know
Why doesn't your heart know my love for him?
Do you know that when I talk to you?
My heart flutters, open and joyful
Oh God, I love him so much
I have never loved anyone like I love you
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ZHAN POV
I am on the verge of madness, my friend, and between my madness for him and my madness for him, I am almost screaming in the streets like a deranged person, losing my mind.
In the echo of his voice is my refuge!
And in the orbs of his eyes is my torment.
I repeat ! In the orbs of his eyes is my torment!
And as revenge for myself, my friend, who left me and went to the other world!
You are under the dirt, my friend.
And next to me is your little child, whom, due to your mistrust, I left in my trust!
What should I do.. haikuan-ah? I betrayed that trust
And revenge for myself and what this boy is doing to me!
Just because of his eyes!
His guilty eyes, which I hate to the point of abhorrence
I made myself your child's worst nightmare haikuan-ah?
I raised him as a robot, only moving on my orders.
And I slapped him and treated him harshly countless times! I don't remember it
What is my fault ? Your child is really stupid and calls me ~dad! And I told him millions of times that I wasn't like that
Like a shadow walking behind me even in my dreams! He fears me and does not dare to contradict me
Don't be angry with me.. haikuan-ah? The sin is not my fault!!
It was entirely due to his kohl-gray eyes.
I was stroking his soft hair with my free hand and watching him while he slept... on my other hand
My ruby, he is My ruby.
I gently lifted his head up so he wouldn't wake up and went down to his lips and kissed him gently and softly
It wasn't my first kiss with him, today!! I had kissed him many times while he was sleeping.
You don't realize! How much I suffer with you, how much your tears hurt me... just like a dagger tearing me apart from the inside!
My little child.. She is in pain and crying because of me..! I'm sorry.. so sorry.
Anyway, I won't let you live with me for a long time. You might be hurt when I leave you in a house far away from me.
But staying with me is a hundred times worse.
I can't deal with you as if nothing happened! Your eyes are the reason
Your eyes are beautiful, but they are the height of seduction!!
But I don't like it, to be honest with you yibo! After you turned fourteen, your eyes became an exact copy of your mother's!
So just, your eyes are my torment
It's not like I find her ugly! In fact, it actually weakens me...but I see in it bad memories and a past that I will never forget.
I kissed his lips several times...and kissed his nose and cheeks. With these kisses, I apologize for what I did during the day.
I quietly pulled my hand from under his head, got up, looked at him one last time, and withdrew into the kitchen. He is definitely hungry... He hasn't eaten anything since morning!
Kissing him when he was awake was wrong!! I couldn't contain myself, just the thought of his lips being touched by someone else made me so angry
Even though I beat that corrupt person, I still burn with anger when I remember him crying in front of me and shaking
In these last years, I have mastered acting anger with you! You find me angry and I shout at you!! In fact, I cannot be angry with you even for the worst thing you might do!!
You see me with hot blood and terrifying eyes that scare you!!
This was nothing but the anger residing inside me.
Anger at myself and nothing else.
Every slap you took from me... you returned to me, and slapped my heart again! And every word that sounds bad to your ears disturbs and exhausts me more than you personally.
You are my soul and my life. Can you imagine how I experienced pain with you!? Maybe my pain was double yours
Because I realize very well...that one day you will hate me and you will not look at my face. You will go and continue your path away from me
I have a completely unnatural desire to protect you and take care of you, my little child. Oh my precious ruby
Cruelty? Being cruel to you? And my heart is sensitive to your smallest details..!!
prattle !! It's all nonsense
Always and forever.. I wish time could go back! If I were your dad who showed his love for you and did not hide it under fake, rough behavior
If you had not grown up and remained my little child, whose presence was the reason for me to live with full mental capacity. !
If you don't grow up and your eyes look like your mother's!
If only I could erase the past from existence before you light up my house
At some point in my life! I wished for death, I wished I had never been born in the first place!
And you appeared to me like a miracle!! You have become my hope.. and the reason for which I live!
I was ready to sacrifice everything for you! And I actually did
I dedicated my time and myself to you, and even my family and my life were abandoned! Because you were my life
After the death of.. haikuan-ah! I would have no reason to laugh and live life if you were not there.
Your father gave you to me after he died! An opportunity for me...and another soul instead of the one that left me.
"d.. daddy?"
I was leaning on the edge of the table, staring into space, when he entered the kitchen, rubbing his eyes sleepily.
Baba.
That word is sweet from your mouth!
Sweet as honey sweetens my wounds.
“It’s Zhan Ge!!”
I broke down with you, even if you knew how much my heart tore me apart at that moment.
“O ..okey...”
He whispered to me with a small frown and continued his staggering walk towards me, wrapping himself around my waist and placing his head on my chest.
I closed my eyes and raised my head up, preventing myself from giving in to my desire and inhaling the scent of his hair.
That habit that does not intend to abandon me.
How can I keep you away from me when I am eager to embrace you twice as much!?
Why are things so difficult yibo? Why don't you hate me?!
Why are you still holding on to me?
His heart feels you! And your acting is useless to him... and this little boy’s heart did not fail him
As he stroked my chest with his hair, I realized that he was listening to my turbulent heartbeat! Even I heard it from my heart, who no longer sees anyone but you...
Leaving all the people of the world
And he chose you to fall in love with you!
I lowered my gaze hesitantly and saw how you closed your eyes
She moves gently on my chest
Oh My God
Even though I just broke up with you a little while ago!
the curse ! A curse and a thousand curses to befall me.
Do you know what I feel now that you are clinging to me? Just to embrace you forever and travel with you outside this planet where no one knows us and no past haunts us
Believe me then, my child! I will pamper you like no one has ever been pampered before. I will kiss you forever, I will whisper to you the most delicate words of flirtation, and I will liken you to the most beautiful creatures in the universe
I will sing you lullabies and to the sound of your breathing I will embrace you and sleep.
Thinking about the impossible pulled me out of my thoughts again. “Are you crying, Dad?”
Foolish ! I told you not to call me by that name!! You still insist even though you get hit by me afterwards
When did I cry?
I raised my fingers to my face and touched it in surprise.
You're the reason
If I don't cry for you? Who will I do for!
With your gentle fingertips, you wiped away my tears while your eyes also threatened to cry, “Don’t cry, Dad, I will cry with you..” Instead of stopping my tears, you made a waterfall explode in my eyes.
I took a deep breath and instead of kissing those little hands.! I pushed you away from me with some force and roughly wiped away my tears with my palm, “Eat your food...and you will go to the company. I left some things missing there because of you...”
My voice, as usual, is harsh, I can barely make it out, and before I can be affected by his disappointed and sad expression, I leave it alone.
I remember that time
First time .
When you woke up in the morning and did not find me at home! All day long I was worried that I would not return.
And when I returned in the evening, frantic and out of my mind.
That was the first time I hit you!
You slept with two lines of tears on your cheeks and I couldn't sleep at that time.
Sometimes we have to give up some of the things that make us happy to ensure a better future
The matter does not... guarantee me! My future will be a tape of beautiful memories with you
But for you, it seems logical when you leave me.. You will live happily, I am sure! .
I'm your bad luck, nothing more.
"G..ge.. I'm ready.."
I hummed to him and did not look at him
I pulled out my car key and raced out of the house
It's past four in the afternoon and the employees have already left, but I have some files and work that is supposed to be finished today before tomorrow.
His grayness caught my glances from time to time
And another. I hardly ignored it and focused on writing contracts.
But who am I kidding! It's like a challenge with a fixed outcome
“You are probably tired. I made this coffee for you.” After he disappeared from my office for a few seconds, he returned and left the cup on my desk, slowing down in his speech.
did I tell you ! What does your voice do to me? Just like a bird singing in its roar! It's like a song that has enchanted me and I can't wait to hear it.
“Sit down...and finish your work!! Instead of wasting time with stupid things...”
I threw the plastic cup in the trash and noticed the brokenness in his eyes. And his shoulders slumped down as he sat on the sofa while carrying the file and completing his work
What you have prepared with your own hands and wish to sanctify, you and everything in you are my grace and my sanctification. Excuse me, the precious ruby of my heart
His phone was on my desk, I took it and searched it, no new photo
There is no number other than the only three numbers!!
Baba zhan yubin ge ji li ge
Why doesn't he have friends?
Why doesn't he take pictures with them or their numbers!!
*Because you are his friend...because you are his everything*
The only photo available in his photo album is a photo of him and me kissing his cheek on his thirteenth birthday.
His last birthday...and we never celebrated any other birthday after that.! Neither my birthday nor his birthday.
But the only difference is while .
He always celebrates my birthday...alone! On this particular day I'm deliberately coming back late
I find him sleeping next to the cake he bought himself, with tears on his cheeks
And on his birthday.. I pretend not to remember him! And when he tells me
"Dad... guess what? Today is my birthday.."
I coldly congratulated him then, “Happy birthday to you...”
And he ended up sleeping with tears on his cheeks
I hug him and kiss him a lot, apologizing to him. And that today is my birthday, not just yours, and that I am sorry, sorry, and a thousand times sorry
But what's the point! He can't hear me. He'll be asleep at that time and I'm just chattering alone....
I thought a lot about what if I threw the past in the past! What if I forget him and turn a blind eye to him? What if I keep silent about the truth and conceal it in front of him!
We were so happy now!
But it is not possible
In the end, the truth will be revealed sooner or later.
So you should hate me~ bobo!
Just so that you don't suffer and get hurt later.
I looked at him and found that he was consistent with what I was entrusted with
I'm sorry for bothering you in the company.! And because I prevented you from drawing, this is for your benefit
Basically, this company will be yours within a short period.
You will manage it and make its money.
Then you can return to your talent
I don't want anything from her...not her money, not her power, nothing at all
As long as you are smiling, that is enough for me.
“Is there something wrong?”
I wondered when I found him furrowing his eyebrows and disapproving of what he saw.
“Yes, this signature appears to be fake. It is different from the original!”
He muttered and got up to me, displaying the file in front of me.
My child is smart, pretty much. He always alerted me about some bike errors and helped me a lot
When I leave the company. I'm sure it will be perfect under his management
True, he is still young. But my assistant will take care of his leadership and provide him with full assistance unless I can provide him with full experience until the end.
"Oh.. right.."
He mumbled again after we finished this contract. It seems nice to me and edible is my weakness, and its Creator is my weakness
“Yubin Ge.. sent a message requesting that we come to his house today since tomorrow is the company’s holiday...” I saw the message on his phone earlier.
“Complete your work first.. and we will see about that later.”
"Okey .. "
I know that you hate this way in which I speak to you, and this is what I want, for you to hate me and for your feelings to be nothing more than hatred and hatred towards me.
But you, you idiot! Until now, hold on to me. You should have known that I am the darkness and the monster in your world! I am not your kind father who fears for you from the breeze!
Even though you are softer and more delicate than that breeze, I am actually afraid of it for you. I fear for you the touch of a feather, a light storm, and even the fall of a lost leaf on your delicate skin!!
What kind of contradiction am I in? I'm almost crazy already
I exhaled and hit the desk after I felt the distress squeezing my heart and I felt it automatically tremble in place and move back
“Go away from me...”
I shouted at him, “Go away.. Don’t be close to me!” Just run away and don't step near me.
I am dangerous... the danger facing you! Never trust me, act foolishly, or approach me ignoring my threats.
And what hurts me most! It is my effort and effort to raise you a naughty boy who is beyond me in boldness and impudence
Then he destroyed all of that and made you weak and unable to look at me!
*
After completing our work in the company and after Yubin called and insisted on us attending his little evening.
I took him in surrender. Frankly, if he had not called me, I would have gone home because my mood was shattered... and my body was tired. very .
Yubin and Ji Li set up a nice session in the garden with lots of pillows, wine and cigarettes... as well.
Ji Li is aware of my categorical objection to yibo drinking alcohol, so he specially prepared natural juice for him.
"What's up with... the university yibo-ah?"
Yubin and I sat next to each other. And Ji Li sat next to my lost child
It hurts me to see him like this, weak and sitting quietly... afraid of me and afraid of some behavior that might come from him that would make me angry
"Something has come up...and..."
He seemed hesitant and glanced at me as if asking permission to speak
I sighed and took my eyes off him so he could feel comfortable speaking.
“So, what's going on with you, buddy?”
Yubin poured me wine again after quickly emptying my cup
" nothing as usual .. "
“And yibo..is he okay?” She let out a long sigh at his question. He's not fine...definitely not fine.
“As usual, also pain and nothing but pain.”
“Zhan... you're making assumptions on your own! Maybe he won't hate you... who knows?”
He mumbled, thinking he was speaking logically to convince me! To roll my eyes and scoff in turn
“If he doesn't hate me! Then he's crazy, yubin...”
“Is it amusing to see him languish in front of you?”
“Fatal! But...”
I exhaled and quickly drank my cup in one sip again
"There's no way I can!"
That's when I laid eyes on him!!! I found Ji Li handing him a glass of wine and he received it from him normally!!
“xiao yibo...”
I shouted at him and got up. He flinched and immediately threw the cup
She pulled him up by his wrist and cupped his face harshly, “What are you doing? Who allowed you to drink alcohol at the command of someone?!”
“Zhan calm down.. he just wanted to taste it and then he reached the...”
I interrupted Ji Li as he made excuses and my fist tightened around his jaw
“He knows very well that I refuse!! You are following my orders here... Understood??”
“I’m sorry...Baba...” A slap hit me and hit him, causing him to fall onto the pillows. “Stop that damned nickname!!”
I saw him crying weakly in front of me and he stood in front of me again. Ready to receive everything from me!
Resist me!! And damn it, resist me!! Don't stand still! Push me, hit me. Scream at me.
And hate me.
When I slapped him again, hoping he would just push me, he just received the slap and stood on the ground, sniffling and crying.
I found myself being pulled back and Yubin shouting at me, rattling the air, “You are mistreating him too much!!”
“He is Amanah Haikuan in the end? Haikuan? Do you remember him? The trio that we were never apart from!!”
His words made me nervous. He was aware of the reasons for my actions, but he shouted at me in front of him. I laughed sarcastically and pulled Yibo up by his hair. He was trembling in my hands. I'm sorry, and damn it, I'm sorry.
I looked at him for a long time, and my heart was tight against my ribcage. Oh... if you could break into me and see my love for you, if you could see how precious you are to me!!
" Baba ... "
He whispered to me and held my hand that was pulling his hair. I finally looked at his charming, crying face and threw him towards Yubin, “Take him then! I don’t want him in my house... I can’t stand him being around me anymore.”
As if my sentence was like a thunderbolt for both of us, I felt my breath being taken away from me
He gave me a look I had never seen before, of terrific disappointment from me
Maybe this is the last hope to burn the leaf of hope in me and despair of me..
End Pov
*
TBC~
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This part is very sad