I'm such a bad mom how the hell did I get my days confused so much, I ended up missing Christmas with my daughter
I quietly sob on the floor as I stare at my daughters note
I hear footsteps coming down the stairs and soon I see my daughter coming in to the kitchen, I know she sees me from the corner of her eyes but she pretends she doesn't and opens the fridge to grab a water bottle and leaves back up
Why am I always fucking things up with her? I love her with all my heart and I wouldn't intentionally hurt her, but I still did.
I grab my phone and pick it up, and I start calling Samuel, it's an ungodly hour of the night so he doesn't pick up, but he's not asleep because right after he texts me
"You're the last person I want to talk to right now, I'm picking my daughter up tomorrow as she requested me to"
I place my phone on the counter and leave it there
I try going into Kassie's room but she's locked her door so I go into my bed, but I can't fall asleep at all through the night thinking about how much I hurt my daughter.
I get out of bed before the sun rises, and place, a line of Hershey kisses all the way from her bedroom downstairs to the Christmas tree
Sorry doesn't fix things so I would try to make it up to her just like her dad told me to
I went into the kitchen and made reindeer pancakes just like we always do on Christmas
We usually eat breakfast in front of the living room tv on Christmas, but I thought this year we might eat in her bed, so I took both plates up, but her room was still locked
I knocked but she didn't answer
I got tired of waiting so I sat with my back to the wall, waiting for her to open her door so we could eat together.
It took a long time before she finally opened her door, when she did she saw the chocolates all lined up in a perfect file on the floor as she looked down.
She kicked them out of the way towards me
"Kas I made breakfast" I said but she went downstairs without looking back
I guess I can't move Christmas to another day but it was worth a shot
I went inside her room and placed the pancakes on her nightstand just in case and went back to my room, I left my bedroom door open just in case she wanted to come in.
I was alone for a long time, it seemed like I was home alone, I couldn't even hear my daughter downstairs
I was laying in bed facing away from the door when I heard my door creek slightly
I immediately sat up in bed, my cheek were stained with tears
My daughter walked in to my room and slammed the door behind her so hard it made me jump
She was carrying a box, beautifully wrapped in white paper that had small green and gold accents and a velvet green ribbon wrapped around it. It looked gorgeous, the edges of the paper were crisp, it must've taken her ages to get it to look this pretty
She set the gift on the edge of my bed by my feet
"Is this for me?" I ask softly, but doesn't respond or nod, instead she places a sticky note on my bed by the gift and turns around when she's at the door she takes another sticky note that's in her hand and slaps it hard against my door, before opening the door and walking out
I jump out of bed and grab the note on the door
"I'm going to dads, don't come looking for me :("
I run trying to catch up to her
"Kas, please let me explain myself" I say
She doesn't look back, instead she lift one of her hands up in the air and flips me off
I would've scolded her for that, but honestly, that's exactly how I feel about myself right now too
Fuck you, Taylor swift
My daughter opens the door, still not looking back and walks out, I see Samuel's car in the driveway, I open the door and see her hugging Samuel as she sobs in his arms and then she hugs Carla, who welcomes her into her arms and runs her fingers through my daughters her while kissing her head in an attempt to comfort her
I love Carla, she's always been so welcoming towards my daughter and I, she's always been so supportive, we've always gotten along great, I've never been jealous of her before when my daughter shows affection towards her but seeing that hug between them stung so bad because Carla's a better mom to Kas than I have been in the past few months
They see me standing at the door but don't acknowledge me, they just drive off
I close the door and head to my room to cry
As I get in bed, I see the gift my daughter left on my bed, i pick it up along with sticky note
"Hope you had fun celebrating Christmas with your new boyfriend :/"
Does she really think I would rather spend Christmas with Travis than her? It was an honest mistake, everyone gets their days confused at one point, mine just happened to be on one of the worst days of the year it could happen on
The tag on the gift reads
"Merry Christmas mommy! This was lost on your way at some point in your life, but is finally made its way back to you all these years later, I hope it makes you as happy now as it did back then- love Kassie"
I feel tears rolling down my cheeks, I have no clue what the box contains, but I know it's something thoughtful, my daughter doesn't gift things without meaning, she's the person that listens attentively to what you like and what you've been wanting lately, she's the person that goes in to a store, wanting nothing for herself but grabs you a bag of chips because she saw them and they reminded her of you because 8 years ago you told them those were your favorite. She pays great attention to detail.
I carefully remove the wrapping paper, revealing a teen talk Barbie in pristine condition, still in the original box and everything
In the summer, my daughter and I had obsessed over the new Barbie movie, bonding with each other as we saw it multiple times
In the movie, there's a very short scene with teen talk Barbie in the background, the first time we saw the movie, I was so excited to see her on screen, and told my daughter that I used to have one when I was younger, but on a road trip with family when I was six I had accidentally left her at a gas station, I noticed when we had already been driving for twenty minutes but I begged my parents to turn the car around so much they finally gave in, of course the Barbie wasn't there anymore, but it had been worth a shot since it was my absolute favorite doll, my parents promised me, they buy me a new but by that time it had been discontinued so I had never seen the doll again
Not until now...
I hug the box close to my chest as I cry. She remembered, I had forgotten I had told her about that
I go into my daughters room and lay in her bed, her pancakes untouched on her nightstand
Her pillow smells of her shampoo and I hold it close to my face to smell her
I don't care if she doesn't want to see me, I'm going to her dads house, I don't care how unwanted I am there right now I have to try to fix things
I go into my room and pull out a journal and a pen
"My beautiful Kassie,
I know I messed up, i deserve you not talking to me, it was all my fault, but I didn't intend to hurt you. It was an honest mistake, I got my days mixed up, I thought Christmas was today, which is why I planned on flying back home last night and be here before your dad dropped you off. I know sorry doesn't fix things, and to be honest that word coming out of my mouth probably means nothing to you lately, but I really am sorry. Please let me make it up to you, you've let me know I can't move Christmas to another day, so I'll do whatever it takes to get you back? We can do whatever you want. Please baby.
Mommy loves you with all her heart and she wouldn't intentionally try to hurt you"
I write and place the letter in an envelope.
I drive to Samuel's house and knock
"What do you want?" Samuel says answering the door
"I need to talk to kassie"
"She doesn't want to talk to you right now"
"Please Samuel let me see my daughter, I already know I fucked up I just need to see her real quick" I say in tears
"She ordered not to see you" he says, still not allowing me to come through the door
"Sam, let her in, she's her mom, and has every right to see her"
Samuel has no option but to move, and signals with his hand for me to come in
"She's upstairs Taylor" Carla says pointing to the staircase but with no expression
"Thank you" I say still crying
I walk into Kassie room as the doors open
"Sweetheart can we talk?" She doesn't say a word she won't even look at me
"Kas, please forgive me, I didn't mean to-"
She points her finger at her door signaling for me to leave
But I don't listen this time, unlike last night
"Please Kas, let me explain myself-" I begin to say but stop talking when I see my daughter open her nightstand and take out a notebook and pen and sits up in bed
She tears a page out of the notebook and begins to write something, then crumples up the paper and looks straight into my eyes for the first time since and threw the piece of paper so hard, she made sure it made its way out of her room
I get up and pick up the paper as I stand outside of her room but visible from where she's at
"LEAVE!"
The paper reads with an aggressive line below it
I walk inside my daughters room and place the letter on her nightstand, which I wrote in case things went like this
She points my way out again and I try reaching in to kiss her cheek but she moves, I'm not leaving with at least a kiss so I take her face in my palms and kiss her forehead
She looks me straight in the eyes and wipes the kiss of in disgust
I walk out the room and admire her from outside
She picks up the envelope from her nightstand and for a second I think she's about to open it, but instead she throws it outside of her room like a frisbee and it ends up almost hitting me in the face with it
I close the door to her bedroom and I pick up the envelope and place a kiss on it, leaving a mark of my red lipstick behind before sliding it under her door
"Kas, I know you're mad at me, and you have every right to be, but I love you with all my heart" I say outside of her door, loud enough for her to hear me inside
I go home and wait around all day for my daughter to answer the infinite amount of texts I've left but she never does, and suddenly the messages aren't sending, she must've blocked me.
I cried around all day staring at the Christmas tree that's turned off, there's no point in it being on, Christmas has passed.
I nearly arrange all of her presents again, smiling at each one, knowing what each of them is and knowing how happy they would've made her if I hadn't messed up
I get to one of the bigger boxes, which is just a bigger box, with two smaller items inside it and roll my eyes knowing she would've too, and I let tears fall as I remember my little girl running around on Christmas morning, excited to open her presents when she was younger
My baby would've loved this present when she was a kid
I wish I could turn back time and fix all of the times me and other people have hurt her
She's the kindest, most generous person I know, she doesn't deserve any of the bullshit she's gone through
I debate on opening the present, as I badly need to hug a piece of baby Kassie, but I decide I shouldn't so my daughter can later if she wants too and I just hold the gift close to me, that box in pink wrapping paper containing the Barbie from the movie and the pink car, also from the movie, which Kassie would've definitely rolled her eyes at me like she does every year since she's turned twelve.
My phones been on do not disturb all day, I have it set to only receive notifications from my daughter but it hasn't rung
Not until I get into bed
Pumpkin 🤍
If you want to get me back, you figure out a way to make me happy yourself, I'm not doing your job for you by telling you what we can do together
Also I'm not as much of a materialistic brat as you think I am, I didn't need for you to spoil me with all those presents under the tree, all I ever needed was you
I try to respond but she's blocked me again, my messages don't go through
I feel my heart shatter at her words
"I really didn't mean to baby" I whisper under my breath
Samuel 🤍
I know you're mad, but I need your help
Please
I think I know how to win her over
Tay, I know I was a dick today
But I was just so mad for my daughter
I'm sorry
I read the letter, i know it was a mistake
But she still doesn't want to see you
And I'm not going to force her to
I get it, thanks anyway
Id appreciate it, if you kept me
updated on her in the meantime
I don't care if my daughter doesn't want to see me, I'll force her to if I need to because I know this might make her happier
The next morning, I look out to the backyard through my balcony and smile, everything looks absolutely perfect
Samuel🤍
I know you said you didn't want to force her to come but I really need you to drop her off
If you don't, how else do you expect us to make up if she want talk to me,
I have something set up for her
Please Samuel
Samuel only respond with an 'ok' but at least I know she's coming
Samuel's car shows up in my driveway about an hour and a half later
I look out the window and see Sam getting off and opening Kas door on the passengers side, while trying to pull her out as she's being uncooperative
I chuckle slightly at the sight
Yep, that's my sassy daughter
When Samuel finally gets her out of the car he practically drags her to the door and he knocks
I run to the door and hug my daughter as she stays limp
"I'm sorry" I tell her, as I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. I can't help but look how exhausted she looks
Samuel practically pushes her in and leaves before she can go with him
My daughter walks herself to the couch, where I've set up a plate with her favorite breakfast but she refuses to eat
I catch her staring at the Christmas tree where all her presents remain and I see her wiping a tear quickly as If trying to hide the fact that she's crying
"Baby, I know I messed up, but I'm trying to make it up to you, would you please at least try to give me a chance?"
She nods to my surprise, I wasn't expecting her to respond as she hasn't even done that
I get up from the couch and hold her hand
"Come on, I have surprise for you" I say pulling her hand a little so she'll get up but she doesn't
"Please?"
She sighs and obeys and I lead her to the glass doors leading to the backyard and slide them open before we both walk outside
I see my daughters face but she's not showing any expression, just staring at her surprise
After a few seconds, I see her smile slightly but she notices im looking and removes the smile from her lips
She walks over to her surprise and sits on the ground in front of the many enclosures while petting a small pig
A few weeks ago Kassie and I were watching some of the many home videos I have of her when she was younger. We watched her 7th birthday video, and on that birthday I had hired a petting zoo, since she had been talking about it non stop for weeks, I had told her we couldn't get it for her so her excitement on her birthday when she realized I'd gotten her one was out the window. She told me that had been the best birthday party she ever had. Her birthday however wasn't for a few more weeks and we would be out of the country so I thought I'd recreate the moment for her now that I needed to
The lady in charge of the petting zoo asked if she wanted to hold the small pig in her arms and she nodded. As she held the pig in her arms I could see she had the biggest smile on her face. She looked up at me and gave me a weak smile.
It wasn't as big of a smile as the one she gave the pig, but it was a smile, and that was a step
I walked over to her and sat next to her but she lightly schooched the other way but she still looked at me and gave me a small smile
"I love you" I tell her
She doesn't say it back but it instead hands the pig back and moves on to the other animals and I follow with her, trying to start a conversation that's completely one sided.
I can see my daughter slowly getting ready to go back inside and when she gets up I notice she gets dizzy, she begins to walk back inside but her legs seem to give up on her and she sits for a while trying to rest.
I go up to her and help her walk inside as I start to get worried, this exhaustion isn't normal, it's one I know far too well
I sit her on the couch hoping it's not what I think it is
"Hun, when was the last time you had a proper meal?"
Authors note: I know I said I wasn't going to update today, but I'm uploading this and another one that I'm almost finished with lol
I've just been so bored today
Also im still somewhat plotting the new book so if you guys have any baby or younger Kassie events yall want to see please comment. Ill probably publish the first part this weekend
I was going to do a petting zoo flashback but I think im going to just post it on the new book.
I hope you guys enjoy it, new chapter in a few hours more than likely