I woke up to a dull ache in my chest. The memory of that horrendous day has been on heavy rotation for the past couple of nights.
Event from the past:
I remember that day so vividly.
The day I saw my father cry for the first time.
One day, a span of measly 24 hours, brought a marriage of 9 years to a screeching halt.
The day I lost my mother.
I was sitting at the dinner table with my dad, trying to be feisty. I wanted him to buy me a new sundress that Anne had, but he kept arguing with me saying he would do no such thing, but my 8-year-old self couldn't take it.
"I want that dress papa, please?"
"Sasha, I am done having this conversation. I am not going to buy a new dress just because Anne has a similar one. You have enough dresses!" He said while picking on the food. I guess he wasn't very hungry.
"I don't get it, We have enough money. Anne has a lot less money th-"
"Sasha, enough!" My dad said in a raised voice.
"We must never talk about people's money. Just because we have enough, does not mean you can spend it on something so trivial! For you, it may be another dress, but to Anne, it may be something special. I don't want you to be so stubborn. Have I made myself clear?"
Tears had welled up in my eyes by the time he had finished. My dad looked at me for a long time and his expression had softened. He pulled my chair close to him and tried lifting me so he could place me on his lap. I refused to move by crossing my arms and turning my face in the opposite direction. He sighed and started speaking in a soft voice.
"I am sorry muffin. I just want you to learn. Papa never had much money growing up so I had to give up on a lot of things. I wanted toy cars, money for the arcade, and new sneakers, but my parents never gave me all of that. They couldn't. I don't blame your grandparents. They are very sweet people and did everything they could. But, not having much when I was a kid only helped me enjoy the little things I had. I want you to grow up like that. I want you to be humble always. Because qualities like humility can never be bought. Do you understand?"
I turned to face him and nodded slightly. It's not like I understood much.
But I'm pretty sure my 8-year-old brain knew when to shut up.
"Sasha, I want to buy everything for you, I would give you the whole world. But, I want you to understand that there are bigger things in life that can never be bought. You have to learn that now. I don't like to see you sad but life will always be like this, you won't always get what you want." My dad continued.
I looked down and played with my fingers, trying to process what he said. I knew he was right but not having something, sucked.
I had built dreams around that dress. Stupid Anne, had to buy the dress before me. But, I realized that my dad was right.
But it still sucked.
My brain was a fucking puddle of contradictions if you couldn't already tell.
As if my dad could read my deepest of conscience, he said;
"But if you really really want that dress, I will buy it for you. But I want you to think about it, okay?"
My heart soared with happiness and I wanted to do a little happy dance. Right when I was going to say yes, my dad's phone lit up.
My uncle's face appeared on the screen.
My dad became quickly alert and pressed the accept button.
"Hello? How is she?" was the first thing he asked. My ears perked up instinctively.
I just wanted to know how my mom was doing.
I couldn't hear anything from the other line but I saw my dad's face change. He looked confused.
"Steve, I can't hear you. I think you need to be a little louder man."
My dad strained his ears and tried to listen but I guess he couldn't so he got up and went outside the balcony and tried calling my uncle again and again. I quietly followed him and stood behind the curtain. So that he wouldn't think I was eavesdropping.
A few moments passed and I started to yawn, my eyes burned from constant crying. But I still stood rooted to my spot.
Just when I thought nothing would happen, I began to turn but my dad's voice boomed making me stop in my tracks.
"What?" he shouted making me gasp lightly.
"What the fuck are you saying, Steve?" He asked.
My dad looked around and I hid quietly behind the curtain. He then started speaking in a hushed voice.
"She's not here, I think she went to bed. Steve, please tell me this is not true. She can't die." He said in a broken voice but I still couldn't process what was going on, but I was not prepared for what happened next.
My dad dropped his phone on the carpet and fell to his knees. His back was facing me and I had no clue what was going on. I saw him bend down and let his head fall to his hands and his whole body started shaking. That's when it all clicked.
He was crying.
My heart broke to see a strong man like him cry. At this point, I didn't care about the consequences of eavesdropping. I ran and stood before him. I tried prying his hands open but he was too strong.
He didn't let me see him.
This hurt me more and tears threatened to fall from my eyes. I couldn't handle it.
But, I knew I had to do something.
So I ran to the kitchen and filled up a glass of water and quickly came running out. I saw my dad still sitting as he did before, and his body might have been shaking even more.
I quickly placed the glass of water beside him and hugged him tightly. I put my everything in that hug. He didn't hug me back at first but his breathing came back to normal.
I kept hugging him until he finally hugged me back. We hugged for a long time and I let him cry. I knew I couldn't. I didn't want to cry.
I wanted to be strong, just this once, just for him.
We hugged like there was no tomorrow and none of us spoke.
After what seemed like an eternity my dad composed himself but kept sniffling. I tried to loosen myself but he still held on to me tight. The silence scared me and I wanted him to say something, anything. So, I began;
"Papa?" I asked
Silence.
"Are you okay?" I asked again
Silence.
"What happened?" I almost plead. At this point, I was hoping that whatever caused this pain for him was not what I thought it was.
"Sasha, it's going to be okay. It'll all be fine. Papa has to do something but I promise I'll tell you everything after it's sorted out. Let's just get you to bed okay?"He said.
I was still clueless but I was happy I got some words from him. I quickly nodded. He forcefully smiled while wiping a few of his tears from his cheeks.
He took a deep breath and lifted me. He carried me to my room and placed me on my bed, all while still sniffling and looking disturbed. His glossy eyes were shining bright when the moonlight hit the blue irises. I stared at him but couldn't help but feel sorry. He tucked me in, wished me goodnight, kissed my forehead, and left the door slightly open. He always did this because he knew I was afraid of pitch darkness ever since Mom left us. I looked at his retreating form and noticed a new slump in his shoulders.
I felt like crying but no tears came. I tried closing my eyes but I couldn't, every time I tried they would snap open. I tried counting sheep but I couldn't sleep.
I thought I knew what had happened.
It was simple, my mother died.
I knew I must cry.
I mean that's what people do when they are sad.
Right?
But no tears came out.
I think it was hope.
Hope that maybe, just maybe, my mother still lived, that she'd come back, that she'd wear those huge diamonds and take me with her everywhere, that she would buy my new sundress for me and finally said that she was wrong and she still loved my father and me. All these thoughts consumed me and I slowly drifted to sleep.
Not having the sundress wasn't on my mind anymore.
Duh.
Present:
"Can you girls not talk at the same time?" I joke as I discreetly glance at the overhead clock.
We've been talking for two hours.
Huh.
I am currently in the middle of an intense face-timing session with my best friends, Anne and Sam.
I knew Anne right from elementary school but Samantha, aka, Sam was a new addition to our little posse. She joined us when we were in, I wanna say, 7th grade.
They aren't like the other people in my school. They are true friends and have stuck by my side through thick and thin. I try to be of help but nothing can compare to the enormous help that they and their families have done for me and my dad when we were faced with tough times.
So I am incredibly grateful for them.
But they never rub it in my face and never expect anything in return. I just hope that someday, I'll be able to repay them for their kindness.
"How can you stay this calm? How can you stay this fucking calm? Do you not realize that this is a big deal? Nathaniel fucking Meyers asked you out...Man, the guy is like a Greek god." Sam says with a little, just a teeny tiny bit, of envy in her voice.
"Omg, you are so right Sam. The chiseled face, the sharp jawline, the shaggy raven hair, the green eyes, the sharp nose, the plump lips, everything about him screams sexy." Anne adds and slips into her fantasy world.
I laugh a little at their silliness but couldn't help but wonder if this date was a good idea.
I mean I know Nathan is an ok guy.
Don't get me wrong, the guy is handsome as hell but I have always felt that there is something off with his personality. His whole demeanour seems like a facade.
But that could just be my poor judgment.
We weren't very close so you can imagine my surprise when he just asked me if I wanted to go on a date, out of the blue.
Why me?
I only said yes to him because the guy practically screamed and announced to the whole school that he wanted to take me out. I would have not agreed if he had asked me privately because I'm just not interested in him that way.
He may be a good guy but I don't like him that way.
I was thinking about how cringe the whole flowers, balloons, and placards were, which makes me sound ungrateful but in my defense, the guy must have given me some memo.
But whatever, I agreed, and what could really go wrong?
Let me make one thing very clear—I'm not that girl. I'm not popular, hah, far from it actually. I'm not the "introvert" who thinks they're not pretty but for everyone else they're like a total bombshell. Trust me, I've been told that I have the most common face and nothing about me is extraordinary.
If you think that's a compliment, you don't know how this school functions.
Being called the average Joe is an insult. Personally I don't think so but apparently it is. After I was so kindly briefed by Kelly, my lab partner.
I really don't care anymore. I think we've gone way past that caring phase.
I quickly snapped out of my thoughts when Anne and Sam both say;
"Earth to Sasha.Hello?" in sync.
I swear, both of them have some kinda twin telepathy thing going on, even though they are not twins, cause they almost always speak the same thing at the same time.
"What?" I ask and glance at the clock again.
This is actually a really long conversation.
"Man you're really in love.." Anne remarks while smirking and wriggling her perfect eyebrows.
"Nuh-uh, I was just thinking about how much I wanted to run away from there. It was cute and all but it was just too much" I recollect, referring to the whole asking-me-out incident.
"It was pretty cute, but it seemed so..." Sam began.
"Unnatural, unnecessary, flashy, oh, and sketchy?", I ask, trying to complete her sentence.
"Sketchy? No. Well I was going to say cliché but I guess you're right, it seemed too textbook. The guy didn't even try to find out that you have an allergy to flowers and just shoved that sunflower in your face" Sam said.
I really tried not to sneeze.
We laughed at that and I heard a knock outside my bedroom door. I quickly sat up straight and mouthed for Anne and Sam to stay quiet. They nodded and I quickly hid my phone.
Georgina, our house maid stuck her head inside. She scanned the room and smiled at me. I smiled back at her and motioned for her to come inside. As she came in, I quickly pulled out my phone from under my pillow and spoke to the camera.
Georgina is the closest mother figure that I have and is the absolute best.
"It's Georgina.."
"Hey Georgina" they both shout simultaneously.
I quickly turned the camera so that they could see her but Georgina just blocked the camera with her hands. I chuckled.
"Well well well, You finally decided to come Georgina? Hmm?" I ask Georgina playfully.
She just rolled her eyes but smiles at me.
"What can I say, I needed a break. It's too hard being a nanny around here," she causally says and scrutinies her nails.
I gasped and shook my head in disapproval.
"Georgina how do you deal with Miss. Diva over here?" Anne shouts so loud that it makes my ears pop, literally.
"She's right here you know," I say and gently shake my ear.
It was a painful.
"Sorry," Anne apologises sheepishly.
Georgina then comes to my side of the bed and motions me to move to the other side. I quickly scoot over and she sits next to me.
"Hey you guys,"
"Georgina, my gosh, it's been a minute. You look exactly the same" Sam says with wide eyes.
"Such drama queens. I was gone only for a week." Georgina rolls her eyes but keeps her ever present smile on her face.
"What are you guys doing?" Georgina asks.
"What does it look like?" I mouth back to Georgina but she just playfully hits the back of my head.
The girls laugh from the screen but I just stick my tongue out to them and roll my eyes.
Real mature
"You gonna tell me what you are doing?" Georgina asks me with a pointed look.
I visibly gulp and pretend to be scared.
She does nothing but continues to glare at me. Before I could say anything, Anne beats me to it.
"Georgina, be a dear and settle a dispute for us. Sam and Sasha are being bitc—sorry, silly about this Greek god asking Sasha out. I think it's super cute but they are going into cliches and personality crap right now. So you tell us, should she go or should she just stand him up last minute?" Anne asks while trying to be intimidating by crossing her fingers together before her.
I just roll my eyes but still listen to Georgina. The lady gives out wonderful advice.
"You said yes? Why the hell would you do that if you are unsure?" Georgina asks with a frown.
"I panicked okay? The guy put a lotta pressure on me, all at once, and I kinda didn't want to humiliate him." I retort defensively.
Georgina just clicks her tongue and sits more comfortably in my bed.
"Do you like the guy?"
I don't know what to think really. So I don't answer.
"Do you have a crush on him? Are you attracted to him? Do you feel different around him?" She asks me.
Do I have a crush on him? No, not really.
Am I attracted to him? Like I said, the guy is hot but it's not something that attracts me per se...
You feel me?
Do I feel different around him? Nope. It's not butterflies and swooning when I see him.
Looks like I clearly don't like the guy.
"No for all of them", I sigh and press my temples.
"Well there you go then, what's the problem about? You have your answer...Just tell him you can't go" Georgina says and shrugs
"It's not that simple. I don't want to hurt him." I say.
It's true, I know how bad it feels to be rejected.
I don't want to be the one who rejects. You know?
Why do I feel like all of my answers are not definitive? You noticing that?
Shows my lack of self-confidence.
"Honey, don't worry about that. For all you know, he might understand. He can't force you to go. Just tell him no privately" she says and nods her head comfortingly.
She has a way of making everything sound so simple.
"I don't know Georgina. What if he takes it the wrong way? I mean it's just one date. It'll be fine." I say trying to convince her.
"No Sasha, don't lead him on. If you end things fast, he might actually find someone who likes him. You'd be doing a huge favour for him if you stop this now."
She made sense. Who am I kidding? Of course, she does.
If a person who comes from a happy marriage gives you relationship advice...You take it.
I nod my head in understanding and make my decision.
"Girls, I'm going to tell Nathaniel Meyers the truth. I don't like him romantically and the date is off the table" I say triumphantly.
Sam and Anne both groaned in sync and mutter "We'll see" and quickly ended the call.
We will see, indeed.
What did you think about the first chapter? Lmk your views in the comments ❤️