"That was rude young lady!" Mom begins
nagging.
I roll my eyes, "I have things to do."
"How can you even get a boyfriend with that attitude of yours? Have I not taught you anything?" Mom frowns looking disappointed but my head hurt and my limbs felt like failing me.
"Alright I'm sorry." I mutter and then quickly sprint my way to my room, not caring about mom's stupid concerns.
I shut the door behind me and fall on the floor, exhausted.
All I wanted was to sleep, and lose the fucking weight.
Today, I had no energy for my daily evening exercise routine and felt guilty as I crawl my way to my bed.
My Spanish exam was tomorrow, but that was the very least of my problems. My abdomen and limbs hurt for some reason, and I nearly cry out from pain of the hunger. Everything in my body hurt, but I couldn't eat. I would not allow it. Beauty is pain.
So I fall into deep asleep, after taking two sleeping pills because I knew otherwise I'd just roll around my bed wincing in pain.
At least I'd get a good night sleep, that basic need I allowed myself.
***
My clock wakes my grumpy ass up and I immediately feel the hunger pains grow even worse.
It feels like death wants me already, but I refuse to die because I was not skinny enough.
I have to get another day without eating.
That thought fully wakes me up, since I needed to immediately check how much I weigh. I scramble upwards, feeling dizzier than ever in my seventeen years of living, but manage to get my way to the bathroom.
I lock the door behind me and strip out of my clothes, then step to my calculator of happiness. It the scale showed a bigger number than I wanted, my whole mood of the day was gone. If it was tinier than I wanted, my mood was doubled and I felt happy.
Today, it was however pointing at exactly 100 pounds.
I had lost three pounds, in just one day. That was freaking awesome. I wonder what kind of things I'd thrown up if I lost that much?
My stomach felt flatter than yesterday and I take a few measures of my arms and thighs.
Smiling at the number, I take my toothbrush and begin to brush my teeth. Blood starts to flow through my gums and I see disgusting looking white spots covering my tongue. Not that it was a surprise, I'd thrown up so much in the last months. My mouth would give me cancer in no time and whatnot else.
But all of that was nothing compared to the body of my dream, right?
Though yesterday's kiss with Fox had made me feel disgusting. I was disgusting, and he was probably disgusted by me. It was embarrassing and I was scared of what he'd say to me at school.
What if he never wanted to kiss me again?
But I just had to throw up, I didn't have a choice. It's the only thing that made and will make me truly feel in control, even if it's not a good way.
***
I choose to wear baggy jeans with a hoodie, so nobody could see the progress I had made yet.
As soon as I'd get into 90 pounds, I would go out in skin tight shirts and cute jeans, and not look fat. My Elena Gilbert dreams were about to come true.
"I made you a sandwich." Mom says as I hop downstairs, just to lose more calories.
"Thank you, looks delicious." I say and take the four-hundred-and-fifty-calorie ham cheese mayonnaise sandwich from her hand. "I'll eat it on the way." I would never eat it.
"Alright, have a nice day." Mom smiles at me as I open the front door.
I try to run, but feeling way too fragile I can't do it. I couldn't risk injury, because then I'd never lose the weight.
Sorry I apologise quietly to my neighbour who's dumpster I'd used to throw away my breakfasts for the last couple of days.
***
Spanish test goes by, me failing almost every singe question of it. Good thing if I even graduate, but at least there I'd look good in my skinny frame.
We had biology next, and it was with Fox. He was probably frightened about the vomit taste of my saliva from yesterday. I was embarrassed, because how could I not have remembered it as he pulled me into the kiss? Just in the bathroom I had reminded that I couldn't kiss him goodbyes because the vomit would be tasteable.
So, instead of just being brave and facing my problems, I find my way towards the library.
Frankenstein was over halfway through, and I needed to waste time. Now that I had no phone, Fox couldn't know where to find me, not if he wouldn't intentionally come to look. Which I doubted since he was probably disgusted and busy with his friends.
The stairs I climb up drain every single drop of energy I have left and black spots cover everything in my vision. I fight back to fainting, and laying on the filthy floor beneath me helps a little.
Maybe I faint for seconds, maybe I'm just not fully understanding, I do not know. However, as fast as I can, I sit back up and act as if nothing even happened.
My book lies on one of the huge tables, right where I had left it. I take a seat on top of the table, like always, and face the windows as I begin to read. Reading took all of the bad thoughts away, all worries were forgotten and I found peace. Even if it was only for an hour.
I have no idea how I was able to concentrate on reading, since trying to study felt like an impossible task to do. I couldn't focus anymore, but somehow with actually good books it was possible however.
I catch a glimpse outside the window, beneath me was a PE lesson going on. The teacher always forces us outside to play stupid games as spring approaches. Now that birds had started to chirp again and snow was melting, he had begun to force us outside. Probably on Friday we'd be playing football. I hate it.
I watch the students play, some of them actually trying to win and some of them just gossiping with friends, not doing anything.
A wave of sadness washes over me, knowing that I would never get the chance to be like that. Weight was all that mattered to me now. Their life was too full of drama and friendships and boyfriends and girlfriends and family and other problems, they had no time to spare.
I was like them for a while. Until I faced the reality and realised that I was huge. I was too fat.
But sometimes, I only wish I could go back in time. Back to when Dahlia and Abby and I used to hang out, laugh so annoyingly that we got glares, when we'd get a late night snack at McDonald's, when they said I studied too much, when we braided each other's hair, when we styled our clothes together, when we had weekly sleepovers. When we were younger and happier. When it all was fine and not about my weight. When Leo wasn't around.
Fox is precious to me now, and I think I love him, but so were my friends. Having a boyfriend doesn't mean all of the wounds my friends gave me are fixed. I needed them, but they left me. And never looked back.
I wipe a tear off my cheek with fury, I didn't want to cry after them. That was weak. But it hurt.
I just want to go back to my old normal, but that's not possible anymore. And nothing but that fact could make my tears pour more forcefully.
Beneath there everybody just runs around, not fainting. And I envy that so much.
Before, I thought that immediately as I'd get skinnier, I would become more popular and confident and everyone would adore me. Why did I think that my friendships would grow stronger if I lost weight? Sure I got a boyfriend after all this, but at what cost? Now he was probably leaving me because I had just basically fucking vomited in his mouth and he had given me so much support to get better, and in return I had lied to him about everything? I am toxic. A bad girlfriend, and a sister, and a daughter.
Fox is all I have left, but I can't stop this weight loss thing. It's just so addictive. I do realise it was a mistake to start dieting. A huge and innocent mistake. But I'm too deep in to save myself from the consequences.
I jump down from the table, leaving my book there. I needed to go to the biology class, because hiding from Fox wasn't the right thing to do. I love him. And if he's all I have, I must hold onto him.
But as I take a couple steps further, my eyes blacken and the familiar ringing sounds knocks everything out.
I fall down, shaking as I try to fight the fainting. For some strange reason, the fainting felt bigger this time, worse.
And even though I try, I can't fight it anymore. The blackness and nausea shuts my nerves off and I fall into very very deep deep sleep. And this time, I don't wake up anymore.
——————————————————
Words: 1615