LJ User: Xx_RubyJane [Private Entry]
Date: July 5, 2012
[Mood:!!!]
[Music: "Smile Like You Mean It"—The Killers]
Fuck my life.
First of all, my leaving party sucked. It was the opposite of fun. Lisa just had to talk and try to get me to talk and there's nothing to talk about! There can't be.
And then she got so hurt. Like it was all my fault. And I told myself it wasn't. I got so drunk after she left.
It isn't my fault. But then I had the entire drive to camp with just Mom in the SUV with me, and all she wanted to do was listen to self-help stuff on audiobook, so I tried to think instead.
And then I started wondering if maybe it was a little my fault.
I did tell Jisoo about Lisa's mom.
My mom tried to talk to me once the self-help audio ran out, but all she wanted to talk about was dance, and that made me think about how we don't talk about anything but that and fuck....
I think my problem is all the thinking. Ha.
I haven't even gotten to the cherry on the fucked-up sundae that is my life right now. Camp was supposed to be my sanctuary. My break from all this summer drama and weirdness and these ... I dunno ... these feelings. A respite from it all. That's what Madame Rosard calls camp.
That's how I've always thought of it. But Hanni is here. She's not just a counselor this year, she's Madame Rosard's assistant. She's in all my morning dance classes and is running our starting stretch.
The girl has gone mad with power! She's been on my ass ever since I arrived and saw her. Like she's my personal watchdog or something.
First it was "Oh, Jennie, put your luggage on this rack for cabin 4." And then it was "Oh, Jen, push the luggage rack all the way to cabin 4 for me." And then she follows me to "make sure I get set up okay." And my mom just smiles and nods and waves me off like it was fine and I don't even deserve a hug or a real goodbye.
And my roommates were all happy to see her! Even Gaia, who is my camp friend, not Hanni's, and oh my God, why couldn't Hanni have stayed home or stayed at her stupid college or something? Anywhere but here. This is my place! She graduated! She shouldn't be here.
She keeps smiling at me, all smug, like she knows something.
I hate her. Why can't she just leave me alone?
-Jennie