The following morning when I woke up, I realized that it was already mid afternoon. I knew because the soft light of the morning sun was now a much brighter, harsh, midday light. My eyes were sore and wanted nothing more than to stay shut. My pillow was mostly dry by then. My stomach growled.
I turned my head over to look at my open door and out at the wall on the other side of the hall. A picture of me was plastered up on that wall.
I stared at the picture on the wall, still laying uncomfortably in my bed. I never took the time to actually look at the pictures on the wall. I was too consumed in other things to care to stop and stare. I wondered if my mother or sister looked up at them ever. Why were they even there?
The picture was of the old me. Me when I was happy being alone and happy with my parents' love. The me I was in my dreams. Unbothered and happy when school was still less important than playing with Hiah even though she just wanted me to leave her alone.
The photo was just me, sitting on a rock beside a lake. I couldn't even tell you the lake's name or where it was, or why I was even there, all I remember was what was behind the camera, and what led up to it. And what happened after.
My parents, mother and father, and Hiah were behind that camera. That picture was taken a week after our dog, Pipi, died. That was when I first felt pure sadness, that's when I first felt truly alone. Little 7 year old me didn't know how to handle death like that. I cried a lot that week.
My sister and parents tried everything in their power to make me smile for a picture, but I was so saddened by the whole thing that I couldn't even crack a simple smile.
But then my dad made a joke, a stupid thing that just made me smile for a split second long enough for them to get a picture. I looked so cute when I was smiling as a kid. And to think I was insecure about my smile.
We went on the trip to this lake for our final celebration with our father before he went to visit his parents. He left the following day the picture was taken.
My biggest regret was keeping my dad from seeing my beautiful smile that day.
"Beomgyu, wake up." Hiah peeked her head into my room and saw me already sitting up. She stood there with her arms crossed as I glared at her. I was upset with her for lying to our mom last night. She told our mom all these things I did at the party without knowing the full story or if these things were even true.
She scoffed when she saw my look, "Get out of bed and do something with your life. Mom said so."
"What am I supposed to do when I'm locked in my boring room all day?"
"I don't know, rearrange it!"
"Just leave!"
She turned around with an upset grunt and quickly disappeared down the hall. That pissed me off because who was she to be the upset one?
I stayed sitting there on my bed. I was rubbing my eyes before I eventually got up and walked over to Honey's cage.
Pulling open his cage door, trying not to startle him when I saw he was half asleep in the corner on a raggedy old blanket, I spoke softly, "I'm sorry, Honey." I grabbed his food bowl from inside of his cage and scooped up some food from the bag next to his cage. I placed his food bowl back inside.
I was going to pull him out and play with him for a little while, but I couldn't bring myself to wake him up from his slumber just because I was bored and had nothing to do.
So instead, I lifted 2 fingers to my lips and pressed a gentle kiss to them before pressing the fingers to the top of Honey's head. He was a sweet boy.
"Beomgyu!"
I froze in a panic. I heard my name called from outside my window. But it was another familiar voice. Yeonjun.
Facing him was quite possibly the worst thing I could've done in that moment, and at least I was thinking straight enough to acknowledge that.
My window was cracked open and I knew he was going to continue to yell for me if I didn't answer. But I couldn't shut the window because he'd keep bugging me more but I couldn't answer because I didn't want to talk to him but if I didn't answer then he would just keep bugging me and maybe even move to the front door, begging to come in and talk.
Or come in and do something else.
What was he even doing here? Did he want to talk and work things out? Did he want to argue more?
"Beomgyu, I know you're in there! Hiah already told me you're here!"
Of course she did. I felt like throwing her in front of a train. Why did she have to do that? Why was she like that?
I had to go to the window now. I had to respond now. Actually, I didn't, but technically I did. I had a choice, but did I really?
Slowly, I stood up from beside Honey's cage. I lifted my head last. I was already regretting my decision to get up. There were a lot of things I wanted to do impulsively, but it's not like I had a choice.
My head was aching when I finally got to the window, peering down into my backyard. Sure enough, Yeonjun was standing there. Black shorts and a gray sweater. It looked comfortable, that's for sure.
"Beomgyu, please come down."
"No, not after last night!" I snapped back. I knew I had all of the reasons to be upset with him and if he thought wrong then he could just go jump off a bridge.
His head hung low after I said that, "Okay, well at least listen!"
My plan was to listen at first, but as I just heard him begging and pleading for me to listen, I was getting more and more upset. More and more impatient.
The louder him and I got, the more my mom and sister could hear, so I knew if we got to the point of shouting, my mom would come in and she'd be beyond furious.
I said nothing, trying to keep myself calm, letting him speak his mind, "Beomgyu, I'm sorry! I had a bit to drink and I wasn't thinking straight!"
He was apologizing, but for what part of the night? There was a lot he did wrong, so I just wanted to know what he was sorry for exactly, "Thinking straight about what?"
"I shouldn't have pushed myself onto you. You clearly didn't want to do anything with me but I was so lost in the moment and I couldn't stop myself!" He was apologizing for only one of the things he did. Maybe that's all he thought he did wrong. That was a huge issue.
"You suck, you know." I muttered just loud enough for him to hear. It reminded me a lot of the previous night, him standing in the backyard, under my window, begging for me to forgive him for a stupid thing he did. I was good about giving second chances but if he really wanted me to forgive him, then he'd have to learn to stop making these mistakes to begin with.
I know it's a little insensitive or rude to expect someone to make no mistakes, to be perfect, but I wasn't asking for him to be perfect, just to work things out with me before they turned into much larger issues.
He nodded before lifting his head to look back up at me, "I know! I do! Please forgive me, Beomgyu. I'm so sorry."
His tone was soft. I could tell he meant it. I could tell he felt bad. But I wasn't going to let him feeling bad fix things. He needed to prove it to me. But if he didn't want to go through with it, if he didn't want to take the time to make things work again, then I wasn't going to either.
I was so mad at him, watching him stand there, "Just leave!"
"Why should I?"
"Because I said so!"
His face turned a shade of red. He was getting worked up and mad. I just wanted to throw something at him. Anything.
He turned around and headed for the fence before stopping and running back to the base of my window, "You owe me! I didn't come all this way to apologize to you just because I wanted to! You better forgive me!"
"If you want me to forgive you, you're going to have to earn it! And you know what, you owe me something too!"
He tilted his head when he heard me say that he owed me something too. Without a single feasible thought in my head, I spun around and grabbed my lamp from my desk. I unplugged it and ran back to the window.
"You owe me a new light!" I threw the lamp.
Of course, he moved out of the way pretty quickly so it didn't hit him, but it was never really my intent to hit him. I just had so much built up rage that I couldn't even process my emotions. Throwing my lamp at him was the only thing I could do.
The glass light bulb shattered when it hit the ground, the shade snapping and falling off.
"What's wrong with you?" He shouted up at me, just getting more mad.
"Get out of here before I throw something that you can't dodge!" I knew he wanted to say some dumb comeback, but I knew, and he knew, if he ever wanted another chance at being my friend, or anything more, it was best for him to just shut his mouth and get as far away from me as he possibly could.
So, with a groan, he spun around and mumbled stuff to himself as he got to the fence. I stared at him as he paused when he reached the base of the fence. He then began to climb up over the fence.
Maybe I should've thought about it before throwing my lamp at him, but now I had to go downstairs and out into the backyard to pick up the broken lamps and all of its shattered glass pieces without causing a scene that would attract my mother's attention because I couldn't stand to see her face if I told her that I threw my light source out of my window.
Once I was 100 percent sure that Yeonjun was gone from my yard, my fence, the alley next to my house, and the street I lived on, I finally let out the breath that I'd been holding in for what seemed like an eternity.
I stared at the lamp for a second longer before looking over my shoulder at the picture out in the hallway. I missed being happy.
I took another deep breath before slamming the window shut.