"You shouldn't get too comfortable." Soobin whispered in my ear as he continued to gently rub circles on my shoulder blade. We were both lying on the couch in a side room. His head was on the arm rest, my head on his chest as the rest of my body was limp on his.
His other hand was holding my hand right in front of my face. I was just admiring how his hands held mine so tightly, so comfortingly. His hands were so soft.
How was I supposed to not get 'too comfortable' when he was holding me like that? Our legs were tangled together and my other hand was outstretched over the armrest. My still untouched cup was sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch.
It was starting to seem like I wouldn't be drinking anything that night. Maybe that was for the better.
"How's your mom and sister doing?" I wanted to have some kind of a conversation and I couldn't help but ask about the one thing I knew about. His mother and sister.
"Really good," I could just hear the happiness in his voice already, "I don't know if you've realized but I don't have to leave as often anymore. My mom got a pretty big promotion. Now I only have one part time job."
I was about to start jumping around with joy. Soobin was finally free. His family was going to actually be able to live a nice life and they could all hang out together without Soobin having to leave every other hour because he has work.
Better for us too, we'd be able to hang out without worrying about Soobin leaving as well.
"Really? That's great!" I smiled up at him as he looked down at me. Being in his arms like that made me feel just so much more comforted.
"My father, too, has been reaching out to my mom more. He wants to see my sister and I next weekend. It's been months since we've seen him." His tone saddened me a little. I guess I didn't know all that much about his father. I didn't know anything other than the fact that he moved away after the divorce. Maybe, deep down, he was a really good guy.
He held my hand a little tighter, but my fingers could still move. I wanted to comfort him as much as I could, so I just started tracing hearts on his collarbone, "You've never gone to visit?"
"My mother never wanted us to, and he never really asked until recently. I think she's starting to realize that he's not all that bad." He sounded like he was getting more comfortable talking about the situation. I just wondered what he was going to say to the guys when he'd be hanging out with his dad next weekend instead of us. Maybe he'd finally come clean.
"You're excited, I assume."
"Very. My sister and I deserve a dad."
I nodded slowly as I continued to cover his neck in invisible doodles that expressed my love for him, "You do."
There was a silence between us, but it wasn't awkward. Just loving. Maybe it was a little weird for me to be so close to him, I mean drawing hearts on his neck as we laid together on the couch, talking about personal lives, but he was my best friend. He saved me in a way words can't describe. Him, Kai, Taehyun and Yeonjun would always be my saviors. I was just there to ruin it all.
Eventually, he shifted a little to get more comfortable, "What was Yeonjun saying to you?"
I knew it was going to be a topic of discussion, that was the reason he took me away from Yeonjun, but I really didn't feel like talking about it.
But I really had no choice, "A while ago I told him I wanted to leave. I kept telling him I was uncomfortable and he just got mad." There was clearly more to the story, but it just wouldn't spill. I was biting my tongue to keep it back.
"You want to leave? I could take you home."
I sat up a little so I could look him right in the eyes, my hand now on the arm rest next to his head to keep me up, "No! No, I'm fine."
My demandingness to stay might've just made things worse. His hand that was on my shoulder went up by his face, "Okay, okay." He seemed a little defensive and I immediately just felt bad. I let myself fall back down onto his chest.
"I'm sorry for asking." He placed his hand on my shoulder again.
Again, there was a silence between Soobin and I. This one, however, had a little more tension behind it. I knew that he knew I was hiding something. Telling him the truth about Yeonjun and I's relationship wasn't up to me. I couldn't out Yeonjun like that too, especially since they'd been friends for longer than I even knew them.
The room was empty, beside him and I, when it came to people. There was the couch we were cuddled on, a coffee table that proudly showed off my half empty cup of beer, a lamp in the corner of the room that probably hadn't been touched in decades, and another chair that was beside the couch that was big enough for Soobin and I if we really wanted to sit there instead.
The overhead light wasn't flipped on either. The lights from the other rooms were the only thing keeping our room from going pitch black.
Suddenly, he spoke up again, "Is that what you meant? With Aera, the look you gave me, you wanted me to confess my feelings for her?"
"Yeah. I knew you both loved each other. There was no point in hiding it anymore."
He let out a deep sigh, "I thought about asking her out a long time ago. But I just couldn't. I wanted to find the perfect spot, perfect time. But then I was losing hope because nothing was perfect. Then my parents got divorced and I couldn't see her as often with work. Asking her to officially be my girlfriend here at this party was never the plan. I wanted to ask her on a moonlit night after a long shopping spree, or while we were stargazing, but who knew when that would be."
I could tell he was glad he finally said something. I could tell Aera was too. At least all of my friends had someone to lean on now. Taehyun had my sister. Kai had Nali. Soobin had Aera. Yeonjun, though, had nobody. Or did he?
"I'm glad you asked her. Now I just hope you two can stay together forever. You two make a good couple, even before you were official." I snickered a little at my own thoughts. If only I'd known.
"Well thanks. What about you and Yeonjun?"
The mention of Yeonjun again made me shutter, but now he was bringing Yeonjun and I up in the same conversation as him and Aera? What could he possibly mean by that?
"What about him and I?" I retorted.
He squeezed my hand, "You like him, yeah?"
There was absolutely nothing I could say about that. I couldn't speak or pull myself together enough to pull away from him. My eyes were wide as they scanned the room back and forth as if someone was going to pop out from behind the dusty lamp with a microphone and a camera wanting my answer.
Soobin sat up, which forced me to sit up too. I was on my knees, my hands in my lap. He was sitting up straight now, his legs still on either side of me.
"Do you like him? I won't be mad. If anything I'd rather him end up with you than some other random girl." I could barely swallow properly.
"Soobin," I took a deep breath, "Yeonjun and I are complicated." Things were rushing through my mind and all of a sudden, there was another voice in the room and I felt my heart stop, recognizing immediately that it was Yeonjun.
"Aera is looking for you, Soobin."
Soobin and I both whipped our heads over to look at him standing in the doorway. I was so infuriated. Soobin and I should've been able to forget about Yeonjun entirely and just continue to lay together like I wanted. That was my only way of calming down.
Soobin sighed and looked down at the floor. From the corner of my eye, I looked at him and knew he wasn't done with this conversation. But I was. I was sick of talking about Yeonjun.
"We can chat later, yeah?" Soobin smiled at me as he stood up. He quickly made his way to the doorway where Yeonjun was standing and slipped past him, back into the sea of people to find his new girlfriend.
As soon as he was out of my sight I just stared down at my hands in my lap. I was still sitting awkwardly on my knees.
The whole room felt awkward now that Soobin was gone. What kind of a loner was I? The worst kind. All alone, just sitting there because I was too scared to get up and face large crowds. I was never going to get anywhere in life.
"What were you talking about?" I hadn't even realized that Yeonjun was still in the room, not that it made much of a difference, but hearing him so close to me made me jump a little. He sat down where Soobin was once sitting.
I took a deep breath and shrugged my shoulders, "Him and Aera."
"Really? That's kind of funny because I could've sworn I heard my name." He was so thick headed.
I wanted to strangle him. But I couldn't. I didn't really want to, I was just upset, "Does it matter? I thought we were over this all."
"We are. So just tell me what you guys were talking about. I already know, so don't lie."
"If you know, then why ask?"
"Don't be like that." His tone completely changed. He went from mad, kind of snarky, to such a flirty tone that I was unknowingly getting sucked into. He bit his bottom lip as he pulled me closer to him. It was all happening so quickly, so unexpectedly, and before I knew it, I was underneath him as he was making out with me on the couch.
I was too weak to push him off, but I knew this wasn't healthy. Arguing, or getting to an argument, just for him to ignore it all and kiss me in hopes of it all going away. Not to mention the fact that someone might've seen us.
His soft, gentle lips were so addicting though. I hated that I loved it so much.
Eventually he pulled away, still towering over me, "Just be quiet." He started to take his shirt off and I knew exactly what he meant. I wasn't ready in the slightest.
"Yeonjun, no." My voice was a little squeaky. There was no way he was going to take me seriously. Sure enough, I was right. As soon as his shirt was off, he went right back to kissing me deeply.
The longer it went on for, the less clothes he had on, and the less I had on too. All the while, I was just letting out tiny cries for him to stop, but not a single one lingered in his head for long enough for him to realize that what he was doing was wrong.
His hands were running up and down my body, causing me to shake and shiver, but not in a good way. I never would've thought that Yeonjun would be the one to do such a thing to me. Maybe he was just drunk, right?
That was my thought for quite a while, but as I tried to shove him off of me, unsuccessful each and every time, I realized that no, alcohol was no excuse for the things he was doing.
"Relax, you'll love it."
"No! Yeonjun, no! I won't! Get off of me!" Finally, some kind of strength built up and I was able to kick him off of me. As soon as he was on the other end of the couch, I sat myself up and wiped my lips, reaching for my shirt that he'd tossed onto the ground next to the arm rest.
Sitting up and putting on my shirt wasn't enough. I stood up and stumbled back a little bit as he just stared at me with salty eyes.
I watched as he clenched his hands into a fist, "You're so indecisive. First you want me then when I try to make a move you don't."
"I didn't mean that! I want you as in," I took a deep breath. Did I even want him anymore? I couldn't be sure, truly, if I wanted him or not, "I want your mind and emotions. I love you!" I thought he loved me. I thought he was going to love me.
"Beomgyu," He stood up, grabbing his shirt from the arm rest, "I love you too." He slipped his shirt over his head. It was hurting me to see him switch so quickly. What was the real him anymore? I really wish I knew.
We were both fully clothed now, his hair a mess and mine just as bad. My head was pounding as he closed the gap between us. Like nothing had ever happened, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him. I put my hands up on his chest to keep myself as distant from him as I could be.
"You should be more clear." I muttered. My eyes were locked onto my cup on the coffee table, trying to keep myself from making eye contact with him. I didn't want to make things worse.
"Clear? Clear about what?"
"You said you love me, right?"
"Yeah?"
I took a deep breath and my eyes finally jumped up to meet his, "Wouldn't you want to make things official?"
The words spilled out of me without a thought. I didn't want to move so quickly but that's the point I was trying to make. I bit my tongue when his hands dropped from my side. His eyes narrowed.
There was a pinch in his tone, "What did you just say?"
I knew I screwed up. My mind was telling me to just shut the whole conversation down and not talk about it anymore but my mouth kept throwing words out there that I wish it never said, "Why won't you just date me already?" My tone was loving, yet I was feeling every emotion but love. It was so weird, not having control over my body.
"Because you're a guy."
My world practically stopped moving. My heart was beating fast in my ears, the lights fading into complete darkness. I was a guy, which meant he couldn't date me, yet he wanted to do all these things to me.
What did he even mean? What did he want from me?
"But you'll kiss me. You said you loved me."
"I love your body."
"That's it?"
He shrugged his shoulders as if it was in slow motion. I couldn't contain my anger. I was so close to just blowing up. I should've seen it coming. I was just a stupid, gullible idiot for letting a guy like him get me so vulnerable. I was hoping, begging for something to go right in my life. I put in all this work, all these apologies, all of these tears for absolutely nothing. He was just a fox who only thought about himself. I was so pissed.
Everything finally boiled over when I felt him grab my waist again. I shoved him away from me. I just couldn't stand him at that moment, or ever to be honest.
His face contorted when he stumbled back, quickly recovering and grabbing my waist again, "What's wrong with you? Just appreciate it."
"Appreciate what? The fact that you tricked me?"
"I never tricked you." His voice was soft, as were his eyes, as if he realized that maybe he had screwed something up. But I wasn't going to forgive him so easily, or at all.
I had to go back out to the guys if I wanted any chances of calming myself down. I couldn't stand to talk to Yeonjun anymore. I pulled away from him and grabbed my beer before running out of the room.
Yeonjun followed behind me, but I just ignored him. I didn't have time to get to the others. I had to just leave the party altogether. There was a better time, always, to get it discussed.
I didn't even know if I had all my belongings with me, but it was fine, someone else was likely to find it and keep it for themselves, so it wasn't like it was going to waste, right?
"Beomgyu, get back here!" His voice wasn't loud over the rest of the chaos, but because I knew his voice, because I was running from him, it was seemingly all that I could hear.
I saw the door in front of me, impeccably close. Yet, at the same time, it was so far. Especially with someone chasing after you.
From the corner of my eye, I saw the large group that we'd left behind in the kitchen. I hoped that maybe one of them would spot me and see me heading for the door so they could maybe walk me home or even just tell the others that I'd left so my sister wouldn't start panicking when the decorations were on the floor and people were passed out in the corners of the rooms and I was nowhere to be seen.
The longer I stood there, the more overbearing Yeonjun's voice became. I tried to move but my feet were just glued to the floor beneath me. Then I felt a hand on my wrist.
It was Yeonjun's hand, I knew it, "Stop being dramatic!"
That was my end. I spun around and without a single comprehensible thought running through my head, I took my beer and splashed it all over his face, "I'm sick of you!"
By then I knew there were a good bit of eyes on us. As much as I wanted my friends to see, in that moment, them seeing was the last thing I could've possibly wanted.
Maybe it was a little much, but I threw the plastic cup at Yeonjun too and he finally let go of my wrist. I ran straight to the door.
Not once did I look back, but I definitely thought about it. I heard my name being called by my sister, by Soobin, Taehyun, Kai, Aera, Nali and random strangers that I'd never met before.
I heard Yeonjun too. His subtle cries, his soft mumbling, for some reason, echoed over the crowd. Maybe I went too far. Maybe I should've been civil and just talked it out. Maybe that would've been the best thing for us.
But no, I had to be extra and throw my beer, and the cup, at him. I was so dumb.
The door slammed shut behind me and I ran past the few people that thought it was cooler to hang out outside than inside as the thoughts just kept filling my head. I wanted to go home so bad.
I was so dumb. Everyone probably thought I was just an attention hog. How could they ever look at me the same? Was it better to just ghost them and pretend like nothing ever happened?
My senior year was the worst. I wish I did something different. I wish I did more in my life.
I couldn't go home. Hiah would know. She would follow me home and bombard me with unanswerable questions.
So, instead of turning the corner to make it to my house, I just went straight.
The street lamps were lighting my way, my path into the darkness. Who knew where I'd find myself ending up?
Everything at that party happened so quickly. I just wished that the memories of it would fade just as quick. But I knew the truth. I knew.