Lights danced against the dark red wine, making patterns shine in the glass. All around, the low buzz of conversation and clinking cutlery filled the warm air, the gentle melody of an old love song playing in the background. The air was rich and scented with spices and oil – she'd forgotten how good the food was here. And Sana had never even tried it, which was why they were there in the first place. Something like that.
Y/n lifted her eyes from her food, feeling a smile quirk over her lips and dance in her chest as she met Sana's gaze. Her dark eyes were shining in the gentle candlelight of the restaurant, expertly lined with makeup. Y/n paused, words dancing on the tip of her tongue. "Told you so."
"Okay," Sana's rich voice was full of happiness and acceptance. "Good luck trying to get me to admit it past tonight but..." Dark eyes lifted to hers. "You were right."
"Right?" Y/n exclaimed. She grinned, nodded. "Caravaggio's. Hands down the best damn date restaurant in the country. How's your pretentious city restaurant now?"
"Don't push it." Sana warned, perfectly coiffed eyebrows raising pointedly. An elegant hand closed around the stem of her wine glass. Y/n watched the brunette raise it to her red lips and take a sip, dark hair shining. When she put the glass back down, her eyes met Y/n's. "This was an excellent move by the way. Joking about romantic restaurants, sending those flowers to my house. I think you know what you're doing."
"All I know right now that I want to spend more time with you." Y/n told her honestly. "But, you know," She smiled, coyly shrugging her shoulders up as much as she could. "Once I realized we've never actually had a fancy date without my parents around..." She gave her a look. "I did tell you I wanted to do this properly."
"You certainly did." Sana mouth quirked into an approving smile. "You're smoother than I gave you credit for."
"Damn right," Y/n affirmed, grinning. She paused, raising an eyebrow towards their wine glasses. "I'll toast to that."
"I'll toast, but you'll have to think of a better reason." Sana allowed coyly. Fucking hell, Y/n thought, watching the play of the candlelight against her skin and hair. She lifted her glass again, raising it into the space between them. "How about..." Her eyes met Y/n's. "To new beginnings."
Y/n smiled, watching the red wine drink in the light before she realised Sana was actually doing a toast. She glanced towards her own glass, and a laugh burst from her throat. "Yeah, babe, you're gonna have to do that for me,"
"Do – oh, right," Sana nodded, realizing what she meant, and reached across the table to take Y/n's drink in her other hand without another word. "To new beginnings," she repeated, clinking their glasses together between them.
"To new beginnings!" Y/n affirmed, watching the glasses touch and feeling the ringing in her chest.
Sana took another sip of her own drink before setting it down, and offered Y/n her glass, but she shook her head. She wasn't doing it for the drink anyway. She was already drunk – drunk on warmth and dizzy with happiness.
This past week had been the first that Sana had spent shadowing the mayor – filing, faxing, sitting the town council – which meant her time spent in Y/n's annex had been definitively less. They'd time: Sana would come and spend a few hours with her, probably cook something or wheel her somewhere she needed to go, talk, read her a chapter of that godawful spy book. It was nice, in a way: it was nice to have time to miss her. But their new, more normal hours together made Y/n even more determined to do this properly, to do this right. Because whatever it was, Sana deserved it. Truth be told, she deserved more than Y/n could ever give her. But hell if she wasn't going to try.
So maybe it was a little over the top to order a dozen red roses sent to Sana's house (apparently Louis had opened the door to them, and taken them with a whoop of excitement). Maybe it was weirding her out a little wearing one of her old dresses she didn't know Sarah had kept after the accident. And maybe the fancy restaurant was a little cliché. But she wanted to at least try and do this justice. She had to try, at least.
About ten minutes after their toast she started to feel people staring.
Y/n swallowed, feeling the eyes on her and staring back down at the tablecloth. There had been a slightly awkward commotion when they'd arrived, and the waiter had to get rid of the second chair at the table to make room for her wheelchair instead, but Sana had given him what was potentially the most terrifying death stare Y/n had ever seen and he'd just rushed to do it without a word.
She was pretty sure Sana hadn't noticed these ones.
She swallowed hard around the lump suddenly lodged in her throat. It was only a few stares, she reasoned with herself. Just a few pitying glances. Awkward glances. Nervous eyes darting back over the mechanical black chair supporting her, voices lowered and hushed. Tongue darting out to wet her lips, Y/n stared into her lap. Her cheeks suddenly felt hot, skin crawling with the feel of eyes on her. Pity directed at her, coming at her in waves.
Oh god, Y/n thought, spike of discomfort knifing through her chest. She knew the set of feelings creeping up on her better than anything. She recognised how suddenly they appeared with no warning, threatening to pull her under. She thought they'd gone away. Please no. Not here. Not now. It was already happening. Suddenly, everyone in the whole world seemed to be judging her, pitying her, staring, pitying, pitying, pitying. Her chest felt too tight.
No, Y/n realized, not just me.
Heart thudding in her chest, she found the courage to stare up at Sana, who was sipping her drink happily unaware of the eyes on them. On her. They're pitying Sana, Y/n realized, fear writhing like a mass of snakes in her belly. They're looking at her and wondering why such a beautiful, sophisticated, perfect fucking woman is sitting opposite a useless cripple. Her hands ached to tighten into fists on their own.
An inanimate object.
"Y/n?" Y/n blinked, head jerking up sharply as Sana's soft, rich voice pulled her from her thoughts. The brunette was staring at her, fork paused between her manicured fingers. Her dark eyes were wide and searching, shining with concern. "Y/n? Are you okay?"
"What?" Y/n swallowed; her mouth was dry. Pity, pity. She couldn't think of anything to say. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" Sana didn't look convinced, perfect brow twisting into a frown as she studied her. The lights from the candles danced in her eyes, turning them to coffee and gold.
God.
She couldn't be there anymore. She had to get away, away from it all, had to hide somewhere in the dark where she couldn't see her reflection in the wine glass or see the pity or feel it in her tight itching chest. Go, go, she had to – she couldn't. Struggling to control her voice in her throat, Y/n avoided her eye and managed to press down on the wheelchair button to draw back from the table a few inches."Come on, Sana, let's just go."
"What?"
"Call the waiter over, I'm paying." Y/n told her, looking down at her half-empty plate. She couldn't face those eyes. She couldn't breathe. "I just really don't want to be here right now."
"Why, what's happening?" Sana's brows twisted in surprise, big dark eyes wide and confused. "Talk to me Y/n, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, Sana." Y/n snapped. She hated how edgy she sounded but she just had to get away. "I don't want to talk about it. You should understand that, I didn't pressure you when you didn't want to."
"I'm not pressuring you! I –" Sana broke off, dark eyes glinting hurt and hurting in the soft candlelight. Her red lips pressed into a tight line. "Fine. Let's go. Waiter – can we have the bill, please?"
Y/n sighed, fighting back tears and staring into her lap as Sana paid the waiter for her. She shouldn't have said that. Shouldn't have made that dig about understanding, when she was the only person in the whole world who did, or had until just now. Stupid, stupid. That last comment, why had she said that? It was unfair, and untrue besides.
Sana stood sharply, lines of her face defensive and tight as she quickly gathered her handbag and Y/n's purse. Y/n shifted her heated neck awkwardly against her chair when she stepped around to take the handles. At least she didn't have to look at her as she wheeled her through the dreamily-lit restaurant out into the parking lot, where the night wind was blowing about the odd streak of rain. Handfuls of black hair skittered across her face, her neck.
They'd taken her parents minivan, for wheelchair convenience. Y/n avoided Sana's eye as she clicked the safety contraptions into place. Once she'd stowed the ramp away and silently climbed into the drivers seat, Y/n let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding.
Sana's eyes never left the road as she reversed out of the car park, pulling onto the dark road back to the house. Her voice was strained and tight. "Now do you want to talk about what happened back there?"
"Stop, Sana," Y/n sighed: she didn't trust herself to say any more. Her voice sounded traitorously snappy and defensive to her own ears. Her eyes were already burning with the effort of keeping in the tears.
"Fine." Sana replied tightly, knuckles paling on the driving wheel. Y/n could see her eyes reflected in the rain-spattered windscreen, the tight line of her mouth. "Shut me out. It's your choice. Just don't expect to try and talk me into spilling my soul out again any time soon."
Y/n didn't say anything, just leaned her head against the steamy car window and stared out at the road and the lights of streetlamps and other cars flying by under the stars, the rain spitting through the darkness. The silence between them was palpable, filling the car with uneasy tension.
Your fault, the voice in her head told her. It's your fault.
She breathed in, but the air in the car was warm and thick, and only made her feel worse. Y/n let her eyes fall closed, trying to drown her thoughts in the rush of traffic on the road, but all she could hear was her heartbeat, thump-thump-thumping so accusingly. The darkness behind her eyes didn't hold the same appeal it did before.
It seemed like a thousand years before they pulled into the driveway of the mayor's house, the rain letting up for a moment as Sana killed the engine and pulled out the keys with a jangle. The brunette didn't say anything as she opened the door and stalked around to open up the back of the minivan, silently unfastening the safety clips while Y/n tried not to look at her.
Sana silently stepped around behind her to push her down the unfolded ramp onto the gravel drive. Fresh cold air hit Y/n's heated skin, night wind winding through her hair and stinging her cheeks. It smelled of night, and rain, and winter. Sana locked the car and pushed her through the gate and the back garden down to her annex – Y/n guessed going through the main house meant waking up or disturbing her parents, something she really did not want to do right now.
Sana knew. For that, at least, she was grateful.
Quickly unlocking the annex door, the brunette switched the light on and wheeled Y/n into the golden warmth of the hallway as if she couldn't wait to leave. Look what you've done. Sana wheeled her down the hallway, door slamming shut on the cold winter night behind them. Ruined everything, you've ruined everything again.
Inside her bedroom once again, Sana helped her onto her bed and positioned the adjustment remote for her and then quickly began busying herself getting her keys and scarf and purse together, with movements sharp and crisp. Anger was written clearly in the tight lines of her face. Her heels clicked harshly against the floor as she moved, formal dress tightening as her posture stiffened. She was just heading towards the door when Y/n finally found her voice.
"Wait, Sana," The words felt harsh and tight in her throat. She remembered when she'd shouted at her before, the last time that inner switch flipped back to anger and self loathing. She remembered calling to her and rushing to apologize. She'd made it to the hallway then. Maybe we are making progress after all.
Wordlessly, Sana spun on her heels in the doorway, one hand still resting on the handle. The make up around her eyes was fading, but they were light and wide and shining at her nonetheless. Her lips were set in a tight line. "What?"
Y/n stared at her, a thousand and one feelings flooding through her stomach. Dark eyes found light ones and her defenses crumpled; her voice was hoarse and faraway. "Don't leave. Please."
Something flickered in Sana's eyes. Her lips tightened into a line as she stared at her, hard and soft and unapologetic. She swallowed, hand falling from the doorknob. "Then talk to me."
Y/n faltered. She glanced down, trying to ignore the shaky feeling building up inside her chest, inside her heart. She swallowed, and somehow she found the courage to raise her head again and meet Sana's eyes. The brunette still lingered in her doorway, looking hurt and expectant and god, she just had to be brave and be honest again.
"They were all talking about me." Y/n finally said, voice low and restrained.
Sana didn't miss a beat. "Who was?"
"Everyone." Y/n stressed. "All those people in the restaurant, they were all looking at me and you and talking about me and –"
"Y/n, what are you talking about?" A small furrow appeared between her dark brows. "Nobody was staring about you."
"Yes they were, they always do," Y/n sighed. "You don't understand,"
"No, I don't. So tell me." Sana said, somewhere between a demand and a plea. Her voice was thin and strained. She took a breath, and when she spoke again she was stronger, more resolute. "Nobody was looking at you. Nobody was talking about you. They didn't care about us. They just wanted to eat their meal in peace."
"Maybe, but that's what it felt like!" Y/n's rising voice cracked like a whip. "That's how it feels every day when I think about how good you are and how anybody, any random human being on any street in the world could give you more than me!"
The words hung thickly in the air between them, stinging.
"And what if I don't want more than you?" Sana asked, eventually. Her voice had dropped to barely more than a whisper. "What if I can't see anything more than you?"
She stepped closer softly, reached forward to take Y/n's face in her hands: Y/n turned away, trying not to let her see the look on her face.
"I just – I know I'm not but - I just feel so useless." Y/n swore the last word softly. Her voice trembled low. "I can't do anything and you're so much, Sana, you're so much and I can't touch you, I can't hold you while we sleep, I can't put my arms around you when we kiss, I can't even fucking kiss you without asking you to crouch down first, I can't touch your face or your hair and I just..." She turned her head away sharply, squeezing her eyes shut to hold back the tears. "God, Sana, all I want is to be able to give you everything you deserve, everything you need and I don't – I can't -"
"Oh Y/n... You silly woman," Sana told her softly. "What I need... is you."
That did it. Y/n swallowed again, breathing in harshly as the first tear fell down the side of her face. She turned away, trying to brush it away with her hair before she brought herself to meet Sana's eyes again. "You need someone that can touch you." Her voice, barely more than a broken whisper in her ears brought a flush of hot shame to her cheeks. "I –"
She tried not to look at her, but she could hear Sana's breathing and smell her perfume, the perfume she'd smelled that first day when Sana had been hard and impregnable as a distant castle, an unattainable thing that hadn't saved and ruined her life all at once.
"No." Y/n couldn't help looking up at the sound of Sana's voice. Her jaw was clenched tight as she shook her head. "No."
"What are you –" Y/n was cut off by the sudden weight and warmth of Sana flipping her hair back and climbing into her lap. Her knees were pressed either side of her thighs. Y/n's heart beat faster, as if close proximity to the brunette reinvigorated it, like a metal detector finding gold. She swallowed hard.
Sana's hands were suddenly gentle and warm on the sides of her face, making her look at her. Y/n gave up trying not to. Those deep honey eyes shone, trying to tell her something that words couldn't. Their eyelashes were almost touching.
"No." Sana repeated. Her voice wavered as if she was about to cry, but there was determination in her line of her mouth, her jaw. Soft and strong.
"What..." Y/n trailed off as Sana shook her head again, blinking away tears. One hand left her face, reaching down to grasp Y/n's limp one. Breathing in sharply, the brunette brought Y/n's hand up to her face. Their fingers were intertwined, but Y/n's palm was down and facing Sana's cheek. The skin was soft and warm beneath her hand.
Y/n managed to curl her fingertips just enough so that they brushed over the Sana's face almost of their own accord. That clumsy movement, that almost freedom made the shaking thing in her chest break all over again, but Sana's eyes were holding onto hers, desperate to keep her looking at her. Her hand tightened through hers, and she brought it along the line of her jaw.
Again, Y/n fought to channel all the strength and will and life she could into her stupid fucking muscles until she felt the skin beneath her fingers, clumsily tracing the line of her cheekbone. Another tear fell down her cheek – Sana caught it with a stroke of her free thumb. Brown eyes tracked hers, luminous in the night.
Determination and pain and need and anger surged through her, until she found the strength to brush her fingers slightly down the side of her face. Sana's eyes tracked hers, brimming with ears, helping her, guiding her hands over her face, her lips, her hair, mapping out her every detail. Helping her do everything she wanted.
After a minute or a millennium had passed, Sana brushed a stand of hair back from her face and settled her head in the crook of her neck, pulling their arms around each other in a way that made Y/n's heart feel more real in her chest than it had in a long time. The brunette exhaled slowly. "I'm staying the night, by the way." Her voice was soft, and left no room for argument.
"But Louis –"
"I told you. Chae's watching him for the night." Sana reminded her firmly, pulling back. The look in her eyes was resolute. "I'm not leaving you."
And she didn't.
"Okay," Y/n managed, voice sounding small and hoarse but familiar in her own ears. She breathed out slowly, and let Sana settle back into her, wrapping them around each other and laying her head down against her shoulder. She sighed, dropping her face down into the top of Sana's head, breathing in the smell of apples and perfume and home. "Okay."
There was a heavy feeling in the air, settling over them like dust as they fell deeper into each other. Y/n couldn't be sure, but she thought it might be love.
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