Book: In Order To Protect
Author: moonheart_g
Reviewer: Nikachu22
Chapters read: 5
Main focus: Writing pattern, story and dialogue flow, enjoyment.
Writing Pattern:
I think for this story you need to decide a POV and stick with it. Don’t switch from 1st and 3rd because it can get confusing on who we as readers are reading about. If someone is enjoying the story but suddenly turning chapters the POV is changed. It puts a wall between us as readers and the characters themselves when you’re trying to keep the emotional pull, especially if that is a struggle to achieve in the first place. Keep the perspective specifically on the characters themselves and allow the writing to flow or keep it 3rd. It sounds like you're talking about the author when you switch to first person since the first few chapters are the author’s POV.
First-person point of view
You can write “I” and “us” as well as “you,” “them,” and “it.” The first-person narrator refers to themself with first-person pronouns, such as:
• I/Me/My
• We/Us/Our/Myself/Ourselves
Third-Person Point of View:
3rd person point of view is when the narrator(s) of your story goes by any of the following third-person pronouns:
• He/him/his
• She/her/hers
• It/its
• They/them/their/theirs
Only in dialogue and thought bubbles should the pronouns “you,” “I,” and “we” be used.
Third Person Omniscient:
The third-person omniscient point of view is when the narrator (still referred to by “he,” “she,” or “it”) knows more than a single character’s thoughts and feelings. Usually, this omniscient narrator knows everything.
Third Person Limited:
Third-person limited point of view is when the narrator (still referred to by “he,” “she,” or “it”) can see into only one character’s mind.
Second-Person Point of View:
2nd person point of view uses second-person pronouns like “you” and “your” as well as third-person POV words like “hers,” “they,” and “itself” — but not “I” or “us.” In this uncommon POV, the narrator is usually an unspoken “me” talking to the spoken “you.”
Fourth-Person Point of View:
This is an uncommon POV. The fourth-person perspective is a more recent development of modern storytelling. It uses the following pronouns:
• One/Someone/Somebody/Anyone/Anybody/Oneself
(Copied and Pasted these definitions for better understanding because I couldn't find the right way to fully describe them. I hope this helps and it's understandable.)
Story:
I like that the drama starts rather quickly. By the third chapter, everything is running smoothly along. The flow of the plot is engaging and it keeps the reader's attention. I think that the scenes are moving along too quickly because of the lack of description so it's really hard to vouch for any of the characters. I also feel like I need some kind of knowledge of said characters before reading so I can get the jist of who they are because it’s not explained in the story itself. Character portrayal has taken a severe hit. The idea of the story from what I read seems to be a bit cliche and predictable. The characters are supposed to be on an important mission and it was stated in chapters 1 and 2 of their personalities which now seemed completely different from before.
I would have liked to see the whole ‘’Crazy Monster or Cold Chick’’ dynamic play out throughout the story. The impressions in the first chapter are a bit misleading and thus the consistency of the rest of the story suddenly falls short. She’s pretty mean in the first chapter which supports the whole Cold Chick personality but then that is suddenly lost. I think the story needs some plot twists early on.
The book is written more so like a drama show than an actual story which if compared to a show, would make a lot more sense. As far as an actual story, no. It does have a storyline, but again I think this follows more closely as if I was reading a drama but through text. Just the style of writing says otherwise. If you decide to turn this into an actual story, your first investment would be to add as much detail as you possibly can and If I were I’d choose to stick with details/characteristics about the characters as best as you could.
Now, I’ll give remarks on viewing from a drama perspective. Let’s say we drop all the normal writing requirements and my opinion would be completely different. As if you’re narrating a drama/show, your level of skill is spot on. I could easily say the lack of detail is fine. Even the overuse of dialogue and the sudden input of the chatroom text. All of that is beautifully tuned to it being read as if I am watching a drama. I could vividly picture the scenes with that mindset and find no judgment. The way you write focuses on that aspect and that is perfectly fine.
As an actual book; however, this story falls short. There are so many missing components and depth that it doesn’t harvest the actual feeling of a story.
The storyline? It’s witty. It’s fun. It’s cute and I’m unsure if I should take anything seriously. Even with the murders and deaths circulating in the school and the children acting strange, still I can't take it seriously. It reminds me of a funny thriller—something like the Scary Movies franchise.
I think for the sake of the story itself you should focus on the direction you want to go. Sometimes as I read through, I found the direction was a little jumbled things weren’t adding up and characters weren’t as solid in personality. Even with the Chief calling himself Daddy. I thought he was a serious guy and I thought this was going to be a serious book.
The chatroom and agent's names changed my mind.
Is this book serious or not?
Dialogue Flow:
You’re dialogue flow is pretty good. The characters are engaging, but sometimes it gets a little tricky as to who is talking because there are times when you only put dialogue speech without indication of who’s speaking. This happens even during scenes where more than one person is interacting. It’s best to add the he said/she said.
If you don’t want to feel like you’re repeating yourself by continuously pointing out he said/she said there are a lot of ways to change the writing. One way is to incorporate emotion or an action.
Examples:
• Susan whispered.
• Susan spoke harshly.
• Susan commanded while gritting her teeth.
• Susan growled.
• Susan spoke in an attempt to catch her breath.
• Susan’s muffled speech sounded defeated.
• Susan mumbled incoherently.
• Susan mouthed while staring straight into Jack’s lifeless gaze.
• A low breath of air pushed through the sharp inhale following Susan’s hastily speech.
All of these would help turn face from the constant Susan said.
A lot of these are just something called… wordplay. It’s easy to achieve once you begin to change your writing style. Once you add more context and push out details that allows us as readers to picture not only the setting but the characters themselves.
This requires more showing in writing than telling.
Enjoyment:
If I was enjoying the narration of an Asian drama episode by episode with a lighthearted opinion, I’d have to say your book scores high on that list of my enjoyment, but again if I was looking for an actual story to dive into then I’d have to say my enjoyment would be pretty low. The nitty-gritty of a story, the plot, the plot twists, the character's strengths and weaknesses the emotional pulls and roller coasters as well as the details matter when trying to speak to readers, and viewing this as a reader, it would matter to me.
Depending on your choice in direction, my opinion would change.
If you have any questions on anything you do not understand please feel free to ask me. I want to thank you for giving me the time to review your story. I think that your story would look nice on the television. Plot and all. The simplicity of the characters and their innocents is something we can all enjoy. It may not be realistic because nothing is that simple but it is breath of fresh air.
Keep Writing Moonheart. <3
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