Landon Reilly
When I woke in Wren's bed the next day, I was alone. It felt strange being in his bed without him there, like I was an intruder or I was being left behind somewhere unfamiliar. The bed was cold like he hadn't been there for a while and I suddenly felt cold at the thought of that.
Just as I sat up, the door opened and Wren walked in wearing his running clothes, his cheeks flushed. He had clearly just finished running. I tried not to let it bother me that he went without me. I didn't need to be so dependent on him, but it still felt like leaving me behind was deliberate.
He didn't seem to realize I was awake as he stripped off his shirt and threw it in the hamper by the closet. He ran his fingers through his hair then grabbed a towel from where it hung on the closet door to wipe the sweat off his body.
"Morning," I greeted, my voice sounding like there was a frog in my throat.
Wren's eyes darted over to me, looking intense at first until he schooled his expression into his usual one.
"Morning," he replied. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine," I said. "A little groggy but not too bad."
This conversation felt stilted like the two of us had forgotten how to talk to each other. Or like I was a one night stand Wren was waiting to leave.
We looked at each other in silence for a few moments until Wren looked away and grabbed another shirt and threw it on. I couldn't help but feel like there was a huge elephant in the room that I was missing. It was like there was something between us that only Wren could see. I felt naked and exposed in front of him.
"Hey, are you okay?" I asked him.
Wren pulled a crew neck sweatshirt from his closet and put that on over his shirt.
"Of course, I am," he replied, still not looking at me. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know," I said, feeling embarrassed and looking down at my lap. "I just thought... never mind."
Wren didn't press the issue, which felt so unlike him. He just kept moving around the room, tidying his closet and organizing his desk. I just watched him, unsure of what to do or say.
"Do you want to go get breakfast?" I asked him.
"I heat up some oatmeal earlier, not hungry," Wren said.
"Okay..." I said. "I'm just gonna..." I trailed, getting up from the bed to go into the bathroom.
Once the door was shut, I did what I needed then stood in front of the mirror for a few minutes. I had seen better days. My eyes were a little puffy, my cheeks red, and my hair a mess. I didn't think I had had much to drink last night, but clearly I had. And by the way Wren was acting, I must have done something.
I splashed my face with water and took a deep breath before leaving the bathroom. I couldn't stay in there forever even if I wanted to. I had to find out what I did to embarrass myself last night that had even Wren acting strange.
Wren was sitting at his desk typing on his laptop when I entered the room. He didn't look away from the screen when I made my way in and shut the door behind me.
"Hey..." I trailed. "Did I do something stupid last night?"
"You don't remember anything?" Wren asked, still not looking at me.
"I remember us dancing but it gets hazy after that," I told him. "I don't remember leaving and coming here."
Wren didn't say anything for a moment, just kept typing. It was irritating me how he seemed to want to will my existence away, like he wanted me gone but wouldn't say it. I didn't know how much longer I could stand here with the humiliation of my boyfriend wanting me out of his presence.
"You didn't do anything stupid," Wren said after a few moments.
I almost snapped at him then to ask him why he was acting the way he was if I supposedly didn't do anything, but I stopped myself. The thought of me acting crazy, seeing things that weren't there passed through my mind. Maybe Wren wasn't acting strange. Maybe I was just being paranoid.
"Okay..." I said, unsure of what to do next. "I guess I'll see you later then."
"Sure."
I didn't know whether to go over and kiss him, and he didn't give me any indication of what I should do. He didn't make a move for me, so I just turned toward the door feeling hollow.
This whole morning confused me. Nothing had happened. We didn't fight, neither of us were being mean, but there was just something that made me feel like I had been dumped. Something about his demeanor made me think I had just been kicked out even though I hadn't. My eyes were stinging, but I quickly pulled myself together. Nothing had happened. We were fine. There was nothing to be upset about.
I met up with Jess for breakfast and told her about my morning.
"You're sure I didn't do anything stupid?" I asked her.
Jess sat across from me with a steaming cup of coffee in her hand and a soft expression on her face. She listened to me intently, nodding along to my concerns and assuring me I wasn't being crazy.
"You didn't," she told me. "Not that I saw. You two were having a good time. You were all over each other! He seemed happy when he brought you home."
"So it was something I did after that," I said, sighing before taking a bite of my food.
"Or something he did," Jess retorted with raised eyebrows.
"What could he possibly have done to make him act like that? I don't even remember anything," I replied. "Wren doesn't get embarrassed. And he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to."
"Maybe he was just tired?" she suggested. "Maybe he was up taking care of you."
"I guess," I muttered. "But if he's tired, why go for a run this morning?"
"I don't know," she said. "Maybe you're overthinking this. He could just be having an off day. Why don't you just give him the day to himself and talk to him after hockey practice tonight?"
"I just can't help but feel like something is going to blow up in my face," I said, pushing my plate toward the center of the table and putting my face in my hands.
"Landon," Jess said, taking one of my hands in hers and pulling it from my face. I looked over at her, Jess smiling softly at me. "I think you're underestimating the connection you and Wren have. Whatever it is, you two will be fine. You two care about each other too much to let something come between you."
"I love him," I admitted and Jess's smile got wider.
"Have you told him that?"
"No, I can't," I quickly replied.
She narrowed her eyes. "Why not?"
"I just..."
It was hard to explain and it probably wouldn't make sense to her even if I did.
"I just can't." I let go of her hand.
Jess shot a me a knowing look, taking another sip of her coffee.
"It's ok to be scared," she said.
I narrowed my eyes at her. "And you've told Stella you love her, right?"
"Of course, I have," she replied with a laugh. "It's different with us though. Not as many repressed emotions."
I rolled my eyes. "Funny."
"Finish your breakfast and I'll drive you back to the dorms and then to practice," Jess said. "And then you can talk to Wren about your feelings and tell him you love him!"
"Somehow I don't think telling Wren I love him is going to solve anything," I said, taking another bite of my food. "It might just cause more problems."
"Or it could open up an even deeper connection in your relationship," she said like it was the obvious answer.
I ignored her and finished my breakfast.
Later on at practice, I tried to keep my mind off of Wren, but that was proving to be difficult. I knew I was acting out of sorts when Rojas skated over to me. He could always clock when something was wrong with me. It was like he had some sort of sensor to tell him when I needed a pep talk.
"You good, Reilly?" Rojas asked, bumping my shoulder. "Cooper isn't bothering you, is he?"
Cooper's suspension had ended and he was allowed to skate with the team again. Time would tell if he would actually get to play in a game, but he could at least be on the ice which was better than sitting in the stands.
Truthfully, I had barely noticed he was back. He had been keeping his head down, doing everything as coach said, probably because his hockey career meant a lot more to him than mine did to me. He didn't want to lose everything over this. He had probably worked his whole life for this, just as I had. Nothing was worth getting it ripped away from you.
"No, he's not bothering me," I told him. "I just have other shit going on."
"What other shit?"
I wasn't about to divulge my relationship problems with Rojas. Jess had already listened to me whine about it and she was really the only person I could talk to about Wren. But I did have something else that was weighing on my mind.
"Have you ever thought of quitting hockey?" I asked him, batting a puck toward the net. The shot went wide and hit the boards.
Rojas paused before replying. "Well, yeah. I didn't enter the draft for a reason."
"Oh, right," I said. "I didn't enter either."
"You still have time," he replied. "If that's what you want."
"I'm not sure that it is," I admitted with a sigh. "I don't even know if I want to play next year, let alone for the next twenty."
"Is this because of what happened with Cooper?" Rojas asked, keeping his voice quiet.
"No," I told him truthfully. "More like I don't know if I'm in this for the right reasons. I don't know if I actually want to be here or if I just think I have to want to because I spent my whole life working for this."
I had been beaten, bruised, and worked to the bone for this and now I wanted to give it up when for the first time the only person I was playing for was myself? It felt like a waste, like I worked and suffered for nothing.
"Well, I think you're the only person who can figure that out," Rojas said. "You have to decide what's important to you. No one else can give you that answer. If playing hockey doesn't make you happy, then you shouldn't keep playing just because you think you have to. But if it does make you happy, then that should be the reason you play, not because of anything else."
"Yeah..."
"And just because you spent your whole life working for this," Rojas continued, "it doesn't mean that was wasted time if you stop."
"It feels like it," I said, looking down at my skates. "It feels like everything was for nothing."
Rojas placed a hand on my shoulder.
"It's not for nothing. It's all part of your life's journey or whatever they say," Rojas said with a grin. "That's what life is about, really, just finding yourself."
He tapped my shoulder before pulling his hand away.
"And not for nothing, but you're a great hockey player," Rojas continued. "You have more skill and talent than most of the guys on this team, but if your heart's not in it you'll never reach your full potential. That will be the waste. There's no sense in someone who has the potential to be great to settle for being good."
"Thanks," I muttered. "For everything."
Rojas smiled. "Cheer up. As of right now, you're still on the team and we still have an hour of practice to get through."
I did my best to keep my mind on hockey throughout the rest of practice, but that proved to be difficult. l needed to think of what I would say to Wren afterward. If I went to him unprepared, he would just talk his way out of the situation like he always did.
The problem was I didn't know what to say other than what I had said to him this morning. I still didn't know what had actually happened last night after my memories escaped me. Wren wouldn't tell me if he didn't want to, which he clearly didn't.
When practice ended, I took a shower and got changed before leaving the rink. I half expected Wren to be sitting out in his car waiting for me like he had been more often than not lately, but he wasn't there. That was how I knew he still wasn't over whatever happened last night.
I stopped by my dorm to put my things away before I started toward Brown's campus. I shivered as I stood at the bus stop with my hands in my pockets. The bus had just stopped here a few minutes before, so I had to wait a while for the next one to come.
When the bus finally stopped in front of me, I blew into my hands as I climbed on and took a seat toward the middle.
It didn't take long to get to the campus, but the bus dropped me off near the main area where the offices were, so I was still a bit far from Wren's dorm. It took me another fifteen minutes to walk to his building and another ten standing outside waiting for somebody to let me in.
Once I was in, I opted for the stairs instead of the elevator up to his floor. I wanted the extra time to prepare myself, though I knew it wouldn't do any good. It just allowed me to procrastinate for a little longer as I slowly ascended the steps.
There were people all around the building, moving their things back in since classes started back up tomorrow. Some guy passed by me on the stairs holding a bean bag chair over his head. That made me wonder if James had come back to the dorms or if he was still with Anthony. I couldn't have a serious conversation with Wren if James was there listening in and adding his two cents. But I also couldn't put this off or it was going to keep on bothering me like an itch that no amount of scratching could fix.
When I finally made it up to Wren's floor, there were people standing in the hallway. I had to walk in the middle of all of them to get by. They just kept talking like they didn't even notice.
Wren's door was in front of me now and I just stood there for a few moments before knocking. I heard movement on the other side of the door before a confused looking Wren opened it up.
"I thought you had practice," he said, standing in the doorway instead of inviting me in. I tried not to let that sting.
"I did," I said, trying my best to sound normal. "But it's over. Are you going to let me in or what?"
Wren looked surprised like he didn't even realize that he had blocked me from getting in the room. He moved aside and let me in before closing the door behind us. Luckily, James was nowhere in sight.
"I must have lost track of time," Wren said, going over to his desk and tapping on his phone to check the time. "I was going to pick you up."
I couldn't tell if he was lying or not, but I chose to believe he was telling me the truth. It made me feel a little better if he was.
"Look," I said, causing Wren to look up from his phone to meet my gaze. "We need to talk."
"About?"
"I thought we had a good time last night," I started, forcing myself to stand in place instead of bringing myself closer to Wren.
"We did."
"Well, I can't shake this feeling that something happened," I continued. "Something you're not telling me."
Wren raised his eyebrows at me.
"Is that so?" Wren asked. "What exactly do you think I'm keeping from you?"
"I don't know!" I exclaimed. "But it's causing you to act all weird. You could barely look at me this morning, let alone go get breakfast or spend any time at all with me."
"I didn't realize you wanted to spend time together this morning," he said, and this time I knew it was a lie.
"You mean you didn't realize that I expected us to do what we've been doing pretty much every day for the last month?" I asked in a slightly snarky tone. "If you wanted some alone time that's fine, but you can just tell me that instead of making me feel like I need to just take the hint."
"I didn't intend to make you feel that way," Wren replied, putting his hands in his pockets.
"So, what is it?" I asked. "I know there's something."
Wren shot me a blank stare, but it was one that took effort for him to do, to hide what he was really feeling.
"You don't have to worry," Wren insisted after a few moments.
"Wren," I said in a pleading tone. I hated how pathetic I sounded, but I would beg him from my knees if I had to if that would make him tell me.
He looked down at the floor and leaned back against his desk.
"You were just saying things last night," he said, his voice so quiet I had to strain to hear him. "You were drunk... so it's alright. It's fine."
"What did I say?" I was getting more confused when I should have been getting clarity.
Wren wouldn't look at me and that was bothering me. I couldn't imagine saying anything so bad that it would rattle Wren of all people. He could always take everything in stride, so why was this turning him timid?
"Wren, what did I say?" I asked with more force in my tone.
The tension between us was suffocating at this point. It felt like if I even tried to move closer to him something would force me further away. It was like if I moved forward, the room would grow longer just to bring him further and further away from me with every step I took.
He didn't look up when he said it.
"You said you love me," he muttered.
I felt the air leave my lungs. My breaths felt labored for a moment, but they evened out quickly. I felt somewhat relieved. I hadn't said anything horrible or unforgivable to him, just something I wasn't ready to say. That didn't make it untrue.
"Oh," I responded. "That's not how I wanted to tell you."
Wren finally looked up at me, his lips turned downward in a frown.
"You meant it?" he asked, his eyes widening.
"Well, yeah," I sheepishly replied, rocking on me heels slightly.
Wren didn't look happy or relieved at my words. In fact, he looked sick which was enough to turn my stomach over.
"I'm confused," I said, crossing my arms over my chest. "You don't want me to love you? Isn't that what a relationship is about?"
"Well, I-" Wren stopped himself. He was at a loss for words and I found myself getting angry at his reaction to all of this. Why was he acting like me loving him was disgusting and wrong?
"Is it really that big of a surprise to you?" I asked, stepping a little closer. "I was sure my feelings were obvious to you."
"They weren't," Wren responded.
"I kinda thought it was just that we hadn't said it yet," I told him, my voice shaking. "Not that we didn't feel it. I love you, I feel loved by you."
Wren's eyes widened at that and then it all clicked for me.
"Wait, that's the issue," I started. "You're scared of love."
"No, I'm not," Wren quickly replied, his eyes still wide.
"Well, then you don't like the fact that I love you," I replied with an eye roll.
"That's not it."
"You're going to stand there and act like you don't love me back then."
I could feel myself getting angrier the longer I looked at him. It wasn't how he usually looked at me. He was looking at me now like I was a stranger.
"Landon," he said, but then said nothing else.
"But you do love me back," I told him. "Or if you don't, you have a shitty way of showing it."
"That's not it."
"Then what is it?" I snapped. "Look. I'm sorry I said it while I was drunk, but that doesn't change that it's how I feel," I said, narrowing my eyes at him.
I loved him, but I hated when he had nothing to say. I hated the way he was staring at me, willing this conversation to end just because it was one he didn't want to have.
"What is it, Wren? Tell me!" I snapped again. "You can't tell me you love me? Is that it? You can't even say the words? Fine! I never asked you to say it back!"
Wren sighed, closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them to look straight into mine.
"Love isn't for me," he said. I felt myself deflate.
"Then what do you call this?" I asked, my voice a whisper.
"A relationship."
"One without love?"
He didn't say anything to that.
My eyes started to sting. I had to get out of there.
"You're lying," I said through gritted teeth, my heart being squeezed in my chest. "You're a liar and I see right through you."
I was humiliated. It was like I tore my heart out and handed it to Wren with a big smile on my face and he looked at me with pity as he threw it in the trash.
"And if you're going to be like this then I'm going to just go," I said quickly, turning toward the door.
"Are you breaking up with me?"
I let out a humorless, angry laugh.
"I'm sure you can figure it out," I said.
I tore open the door and slammed it shut behind me, stomping through the hall and down the stairs.
When I got outside, a tear fell and I angrily wiped it away as I waited for the bus to bring me back to my dorm where I could battle between my anger and sadness alone.
**
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