Fourteen years of my life, wasted on a love that was not true. I gave him everything. My heart, family, my time, and what for? A broken heart and three wonderful kids, that is all I got. Oh, and you cannot forget the bruises and bad memories.
Now it is just me and the kids. A single mother of three putting all her dreams on the back burner. Putting everything aside to care for her children and provide for them.
I love my children and they will always be my priority. Everything I do is for them. I love seeing them happy, it makes the bad days bearable. They are the best part of my life.
Sometimes life is funny, you know that saying 'running from your past'? Well, I ran right back into it. Ran from my abusive father to a man just like him. Like they say, 'you marry someone like your father.'
Blinded by all the hurt and pain. Never knowing if you made the right decision before it is too late. You can try to make it work out, but sometimes it is not worth the tears and pain. No matter how hard you try, sometimes it doesn't work out.
I am over him and all the pain he caused our family. Isolating me from friends and family. Never allowing me to be myself. All the put downs and negative words, aimed straight towards my heart. I will never forgive him, or myself.
I will never forgive myself for staying with that monster. I will never forgive myself for letting him hurt our children. All the painful words he said to them. No child should have to go through what they did. My heart breaks for them. I wish I could be a better mother to them. They will never have to wonder if I will be there or if I love them.
I am tired of running, tired of always moving. I want to stay in one place for my children. It is not fair to them. Always packing up their lives and breaking their hearts in the process. I hate that I must do this to them.
Why can I not stay hidden? Somehow, I always put us in danger. I try so hard to give them the life they deserve. Not a life full of running. When will it be our turn for happiness? Do we not deserve our fairy tale?
So many questions, not enough answers. Question after question, but still no answers. My life is falling apart, but there is no prince charming to come save me.
************
Two hours on the road with three kids is a nightmare. As a mom you always get to be the referee. From calling each other names, to hitting when mom is not looking. Did I mention that it comes with headaches? So many headaches.
My younger two, Noah and Sofia are in the back. Seeing who produces the worst name. Hint the headache. My oldest one, Emma, is in the front seat, headphones in. Likely listening to Jonas Brothers, her favorite boy band.
Teenagers, I sighed glancing over at mine. It is like looking back in time. Me listening to the same band, wishing I could be any place else. Breaking my heart knowing that I put her through the same thing I was put through.
Swiping a tear away, before one of them notices. I cannot break down in front of them. I must be strong. I will be strong.
"I have to pee!" Yelled Sofia, causing a ringing in my ears. That will help with my headache.
"We will be there soon." I replied, trying to sound stronger than I feel. After so many years of faking it, the mask is still hard to put on.
"I'm hungry." Noah added.
"We will stop when we get to town." I told them, glancing in the rearview mirror. Seeing my son staring back at me. He looks just like his dad. Same brown hair and blue eyes. I hope he turns out to be a better man than his father.
"And how much farther is that?" Emma grumbled from beside me.
"Can you tell me what that sign says, when it comes up?" I asked, trying to soften Emma's mood. Emma straightened up in her seat, leaning forward, to get a better look.
"Maud, ten miles. How far is that?" Emma questioned.
"Ten minutes." I replied.
"OH, okay." Emma huffed, placing her headphones back into her ears.
"Can you two play the quiet game for that long?" I asked the younger two.
"Yes!" They both shouted at the same time. We shall see how long that lasts.
************
Five, only five freaking minutes of peace and quiet. I cannot complain, I know that they are bored. It was over a two-hour drive to our new home.
We have finally made it to the city limits. It is like strolling down memory lane. The same streets I walked, the same layout. The same two convince stores, sitting side by side. The Housing Authority a little way down the road, where my grandparents lived. I know everything does not stay the same. Everything needs a change, room to grow. Sometimes it is for the best.
I pulled into the second convenience store. The one I always went to with grandpa. Bringing back the happier memories of my childhood. Grandpa was always there for me when I needed an escape from life at home. He was my favorite person, he understood me. He listened to what I needed to say.
Parking my old Ford car in front of the store. Putting it in park, I removed my seatbelt and shut the car off. Turning in the seat to face my children, I gave them the mom look. Everyone knows the look a mom gives to her children.
"When we enter the store, please, no fighting or screaming. Go to the restrooms, get one drink and one snack." I warned, holding up one finger, for them to understand that I meant one.
Taking my purse from the floorboard, next to Emma's feet. I opened the door climbing out. I stretched out my back as I waited for the kids to get out.
It is the end of summer, but the Oklahoma heat is ridiculous. I cannot wait for fall, my favorite season. I wish I still lived out in the country. Fall in the country is breath taking. The multi-colored leaves falling from the trees. The smell of wildflowers, and the smell of freedom.
The open land spread out before you. The green grass covered in flowers. I have never felt trapped there, I had room to run, places to escape to. To be alone and think. I have been lost for too long. I need to find myself again.
************
Walking out of the restroom, with Sofia's hand in mine. I looked around the store looking for the older two. I spotted Emma first. She was standing in front of a cooler, choosing a drink out. On the other end of the cooler is Noah, talking to a tall man with a black cowboy hat on. The man's back to us.
I could make out chestnut brown hair curling on the ends. His black T-shirt highlighted his broad shoulders, and muscled arms. Those jeans, blue denim and fit in all the right places. I snapped my eyes away from the man. What am I thinking?
Heat raised to my cheeks, as I glanced back over to the cowboy. Heart racing, I am not sure if it is because Noah is talking to a stranger or the fact that I was gawking at said stranger.
I should hurry Noah up; mom is waiting for us. I told myself as I started moving my feet. More heat rose as we closed in on them. Why is my body acting this way? What is this fast-pacing heart about?
"Noah, did you get your snack and drink?" I asked, stopping a few feet behind the stranger. Trying to sound normal, I am awkward around people, especially guys.
When the stranger's eyes caught mine, I froze, air stalled in my lungs. What is this? A feeling that has never happened to me before. Are you supposed to get this feeling around a stranger? I used to believe in love at first sight, but that all went out the window after my ex.
"He asked me if I was a cowboy." The stranger told me, with a smile on his lips. Turning his body around to face me. Not once did he look away from me, eyes still locked.
"He loves John Wayne movies." I told him.
"Really? Those are my favorite too." He said to Noah.
"Yes, me and mom watch them together." Noah bragged proudly of still watching movies with his mom.
"You a Duke fan too?"
"I am. I used to watch his movies with my grandpa. I was seven when we started our tradition, but I could have been younger." Why am I telling this stranger, things about my life? I usually give short answers, what has gotten into me?
"I remember movie nights with my family. We would always have pizza, popcorn, the whole nine yards really. It was the night I looked forward to, as a kid. It looks like we have Duke movies in common." the stranger said, a smile still on his lips. His gaze never leaving mine.
"Mom is a huge fan of him. She even named me after him." Noah stated proudly.
"Really, what is it?" he asked him, taking his eyes off me. Breaking me from the hold he had on me.
"Noah Wayne Ross." he replied, a wide grin on the little boy's face.
"I am sorry to cut this short, but my mom is waiting for us. We need to get there soon, or she will worry." I told the cowboy. Hopefully, it will get Noah moving.
"I already got them, mom." Noah said holding up a Coke and a bag of some kind of hot chips. He loves spicy food. Was I so distracted by the stranger that I did not notice my surroundings?
"Let me and sister get ours and we will be on our way." Sofia was unusually quiet as we talked. Why is she shy suddenly? The girl is always hyper, screaming and bouncing off the walls. Sofia looks just like her big sister. They are spiting images of me except they have dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. Not my brownish red hair and hazel eyes.
"It was good to meet you, Noah." I heard the stranger tell him, as I grabbed a bottle of water from the cooler. Sofia got a Coke and Sour cream and onion chips. We headed to the front to meet up with Emma and Noah, so we could pay for our stuff.
"Can I get you anything else?" The older woman behind the counter asked. A short woman, around the same age as my mother. Her beautiful brown hair has silver streaks in a few places. A pair of glasses sat atop her head.
"That will be all. I noticed the help wanted sign on the door, can I get an application to fill out?" I asked, handing her enough cash to cover the amount.
"Yes, you can. We are looking for someone for both shifts. Fill this out and make sure I can read your phone number." She replied by handing me the paper.
"Lucas, can you entertain these sweet children, so their momma can fill this out?" she asked someone, with a sweet smile on her face.
Curiosity got the best of me. Knowing I did not see another person in the store, besides that cowboy. My eyes investigated a pair of electric blue ones. Those eyes, the same pair I got lost in earlier. Snapping my head back down to the paper in my hand. I cannot get lost in his eyes, or anyone's for that matter.
"I will keep them company, Andrea. Will you charge my tea and candy bar?" Lucas replied, heading toward the tables. My kids followed behind him with their goodies.
"Sure thing." Said Andrea, holding a pen out to me. I took the pen and began to quickly fill out the paper. There was not much to it, just the basic stuff. Like name, address, past jobs, nothing too complicated.
It took a little longer than normal to fill out. My mind kept going to a tall handsome cowboy sitting with my children. I got the paper filled out, I handed Andrea the application and thanked her.
"You will get a call soon." Andrea said, giving me a sweet smile. The store was not a huge space. There is enough room for a sitting area and all the good junk food.
I started moving to the tables, stopping a few feet away. That same feeling came over me, the closer I got to him. Butterflies took over my stomach, as he looked up at me.
"Thank you, for watching them." I thanked him in a quiet voice.
"Anytime, they are good kids. I hate to run but I am late getting to momma's house. I hope to see y'all around." Said Lucas, getting up from his seat. Walking toward the door, I stared after the man. I hate to admit it, but Lucas is not bad looking. Pull yourself together, I thought shaking my head.
Exhaling a breath I did not know I was holding. Why did I have butterflies? Why were my palms clammy? Why could I not take my eyes off that man? This cannot be good.
"You ready to see Grandma?" I asked, wiping my hands over my pant legs.
"Yes!" Sofia shrilled, jumping from her seat.
Loading the kids up in the car. I sat down behind the wheel, taking a deep breath as I started the car up. Putting it into gear for the last part of our journey.
I wish it were a longer trip here. I am not ready to see my mom. I wish I had my own place to move into. I love her, but I need room to spread my wings, not to be put under someone else's thumb.
************
"Have you thought of a place to work?" Mom asked, as we unpacked clothes.
"I put in an application when we got here." I told her, putting hangers up in the closet.
"Here in town?"
"Yes, at the gas station we always went to when I was a kid."
"I bet that brought back so many memories."
"It did, but I only remember going with grandpa or friends. I remember a few times with you, but none with dad."
"I worked a lot, and you were always with your grandpa. You were such a grandpa's girl."
"I was, I wish he were still here. I miss him." I told her. I was close with my grandpa; he was there for me more than my dad was.
"I know you do. He would want you to be happy." Mom said, giving me a tight hug. Is this a real hug? My mom does not hug me a lot, I do not remember having that many as a kid.
"I am trying to be." I told her honestly. If Ethan would just accept that we are over and leave us alone. Only then could I really try to be happy.
"How did the kids do on the way here?" Mom asked, putting away my folded clothes.
"It went better than I thought it would. Emma was quiet, listening to music. Noah and Sofia, on the other hand, had a screaming match. I still have a headache from it." I answered, rubbing my forehead. The stress keeps getting to me, causing my head to hurt even more.
"I bet. Sofia can scream loudly; I am going to have to get ear plugs. Have you taken anything for it?" mom asked with concern in her voice.
"I did, it won't go away till the kids go to bed."
"They should settle down soon, they had a long day."
"I hope they go to sleep soon. I need to job hunt tomorrow, if I do not get the job I already applied for." I told her, covering a yawn. I have not been getting a lot of sleep. With all the worries going through my head, it has been impossible to find sleep.
"You go ahead and get ready for bed. I will put the kids to bed for you."
"Are you sure? I can do it."
"I know you can, but you need sleep. I am here to help you out." Why is she being nice? Why does she want to take care of bedtime?
"I know mom. I am here to help you too." I reminded her.
"I know you are, Maddie."
"I will help get the kids ready for bed." I told her as I stood from the bed.
************
Lying awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling, wide awake. I went to bed early, but sleep will not come. My worries and stress take over my thoughts. They seem never ending, always there, never leaving. I should get used to them; they might be here to stay.
I worry about the same things, every time. Kids, money, mom, Ethan, the list seems never ending. I have a few more things to add to my list, a sexy cowboy being one of them. A new job, and if the schedule will work with the kids. Will I like my new job? Will I like living here? Will the kids like it here? Will they like their new school? There goes the never-ending questions, again.
Could I trust another man again? Could I put myself in a place where I get my heart broken? Could I put the kids through that? What am I thinking? I have never been enough for anybody. What makes me think I will be enough now? I cannot put myself through that again.
Ugh. I need to sleep; I need one full night of sleep. One without being awoken by nightmares. One where I do not lay awake for hours, scared out of my mind. I just want to be saved, is that too much to ask for?
Shutting my eyes tightly, hoping that sleep will take over. Tossing and turning trying to get comfortable. The last thoughts I remembered before sleep took over me, were of Lucas.