The rest of the day is pure horribleness. I fight the urge to skip all my classes and go straight home to cry myself to sleep.
Because I had things to do, exercise and checking on Fox could not wait.
Which does not make my day any better, is that Dahlia has a few same classes as me. Her 'worried' glances at my way annoyed me. She was not actually worried, she was just uncomfortable with the fact that now I was skinnier than she was. For once I felt actually happy with myself, for accomplishing something so beautiful as reaching a lower weight than the model of the school.
Though she had the perfect curves, which I no longer had. But I didn't need curves to be perfect, I just needed to be skinny. Right?
All that crosses my mind as I force myself to jog my way to Fox's house. The good thing was, nowadays I was always feeling so cold that I never sweated. It wasn't probably healthy but well.
I reach his house feeling lightheaded and so dizzy that I have to sit down for a moment, on top of my jacket.
It passes thankfully in less than a minute, and I gather myself quickly. My mascara had smudged a little but it wasn't too noticeable, thank god I wore fully waterproof one today.
I take a deep breath before knocking heavily. At first, I hear nothing. Then someone saying something, and finally I hear the door beginning to open.
"Hello?" I ask and rudely push the door open to see inside.
"Who the fuck are you?" A young man, not much older than me, looking noticeably like Fox asks and studies me. This must be his brother, Tod, I figure.
"No need to be rude, I'm Fox's... uh, friend?" I say, not sure what I should say. Was he my boyfriend? Were we in a talking stage? I don't know.
"Foxy! There's a random girl at the door!" He yells upstairs. It doesn't take long before his way too good looking little brother is running down the stairs as I invite myself to their home. Not that Tod looked bad though- must be in their genes to look deadly good.
"Hey." I smile at him.
"Liv, what are you doing here?" He asks surprised.
"Checking on you." I say.
He doesn't look pleased at my answer, "I told you not to worry or come to my house."
"Well if I have no phone and you randomly just don't come to school, of course I have to check?" I shrug.
"What do you know?" Tod asks, glancing at me suspiciously.
"A lot." I answer.
"I had to tell her about them, don't be mean." Fox says to Tod, referring to their parents.
"Wait- is this the girl you told me about?" He suddenly turns to me and I wonder what Fox could've said. "Livia?"
"Hi. And you're Tod I suppose." I say more merrily than before. "I just wanted to check on Fox and that everything's alright, but, well, bye." The awkward situation makes my cheeks flush and I turn 180 degrees to leave.
"Wait, you can stay. Tod doesn't mind- do you?" Fox grabs my wrist quickly.
"Not at all." He says.
"Oh. Alright." I raise an awkward smile to my face.
All three of us head towards the living room, Fox still holding my hand in his. I am relieved he's not hurt or anything, but the awkwardness was still prickling on the air.
My stomach makes an embarrassing rumble as if begging to scream about my starving for the whole population of earth.
My cheeks grow hot and I try to breathe to make it stop but Fox glances at me, trying to study me.
"Have you eaten?" He asks.
"Yeah." I lie, staring at my Converses.
"What did you eat?" He asks, suspiciously.
"Uh, salad." I hastily come up with a lie. Tod looks confused at his brother's behaviour and I cringe a bit.
"We'll come back soon." Fox says grimly and begins to pull me into a torture chamber- also known as kitchen. But basically the same thing.
"I don't want to." I fight back, trying not to sound noticeably terrified.
Fox ignores my hesitance and pulls me into the kitchen. "You didn't eat today, did you?" He frowns and lets go of my hand.
I back down until my back hits the cabinets behind me, feeling like collapsing down from exhaustion but I fight against it.
"I did." I mutter, but my stomach growls as if just wanting to annoy me. I needed to think something, and fast because I did not want to risk him becoming more worried about me. Even though sometimes the worrying felt good, and I enjoyed it. Which was sickening.
"But I didn't eat in school, just at home. Dahlia and the others were there in the cafeteria and- you know. I didn't feel comfortable." I mutter something, avoiding his gaze.
Somehow, Fox seems to understand me. "Did they say something awful again?" He asks, drawing himself closer to me, worriedly glancing at my eyes.
I shake my head, "no." I lie. "I just wasn't comfortable enough without you." Lie. I was never comfortable to eat.
"I'm sorry. I had no idea Tod was coming today but I decided to stay today with him. Since, you know, we don't see often." He mutters and pulls me to his chest.
"It's fine, really." I assure and get calmer every heartbeat I hear from his heart under my ear.
"Come on, let's get you something to eat." Fox then pulls away and wavers off to the fridge. Shit. No. No, I couldn't eat. I would binge, no no no no no. I would not binge. But what if I would?
I can't risk it again.
"No assure kiss?" I ask seductively smirking.
He turns to me while I trace a finger along his facial features, sharp jawline and gorgeous rich colour of smirking lips. My eyes are so drawn on his mouth that felt like pulling me forward, smashing my lips onto his, that I nearly don't feel him placing hands on my back.
I smash my lips against his, first carefully but then more surely. Disgustingly distracting him from making me eat. It was pathetic and sad- but I couldn't help it. Plus I really enjoyed kissing him with passion.
Seconds roll into minutes, and my surroundings feel completely fading away, until someone coughs loudly behind me.
"Shit!" I pull apart, wincing when Fox's hand gets stuck on my hair knots. At some point I'd clung onto him like a snake on its prey, and his hands had found a place in my hair.
"God damn, bro." Tod laughs out loud. "I didn't know this relationship of yours was this... intense." He smirks.
"Tod! Please get the fuck out." Fox doesn't sound mean, just embarrassed from head to toe.
"Alright, alright." He finally turns and leaves, but leaves the door slightly open to hear if anything more happened.
"Oh gosh." I mutter.
Fox chuckles slightly but then turns back to the fridge. "Now let's really get you something to eat. Is sandwich okay?"
"I'm not hungry for anything else than your lips right now." I smile teasingly, begging him to stop with the food thing.
"Good try Liv, but you can devour me later. Now," he doesn't mind my immediate blushing and hands me a ham sandwich with mayonnaise, "eat."
I take the plate hesitantly. "Don't you want any?"
He stares at me as if wanting to ask what is wrong, but decides that he already knows. "Liv..."
"Alright!" I say and take a bite, munching it and holding my tears strictly in place. It felt so so wrong... "Go chat with your brother." I assure him, wanting to be left alone to throw this shitty peace in the trash.
"Nuh uh, I'm not leaving until you finish that."
Jackass.
But I eat it. And thank goodness I didn't feel like binging anymore, in fact I felt very much like starving and purging right now. I could feel every bit of crumb from the high-calorie bread I just dropped down my poor stomach. It felt horrible, and frightening.
"There. Happy?" I ask after the last bite was gone.
"Very much." He smiles and gives me a sudden gentle kiss on my cheek. "Let's introduce you better to my brother."
"Yeah, I'll just go to the bathroom really quick first." I say.
I had no intention to keep the filthy calories inside me. He could force me to eat but I could force myself to have control. I could make it all better, well, my fingers down my throat could.
Just as Leo said... I reluctantly realise. Whatever. I hop upstairs for the bathroom, because then nobody would be able to hear me.
I lock the door behind me and collapse on the floor to destroy my throat, soul and teeth.
I put on the sink to blur out any noise, and then begin to make myself gag, over and over again until tears are streaming down my cheeks without my permission and my nose running. Fingers full of too disgusting slime from the inside of my stomach.
One more time, I tug my fingers down but this time something hurts. Hurts bad.
I wince, grabbing the toilet for support as one final slimy mess bursts out of my mouth with uncontrollable force.
But my face immediately drops when I see the colour of my vomit. It was red. So dark red that it takes a minute to gather what I'm seeing.
I was throwing up blood...?
I rise up quickly, afraid of the situation and warning signs I'd overlooked for so long. But the blood was there- something was really wrong.
As I rise, my legs suddenly give up and black spots surround every inch of my vision. Falling back to the ground, I still am aware of my surroundings.
Minute goes by, my paralysis holding me in deep pain for a minute or two. I'd probably scream from the pain in my abdomen and head but something is so wrong- I can't get a whisper out of my mouth.
Something is wrong. Too wrong.
In a minute the paralysis waves off, leaving me shaking on the floor but finally feeling my limbs. I'm shaking so much it's hard to breathe but I force myself to sit up.
But sitting up is not a good idea, an unfair pain leaves from my gut so hard that my brain blacks out and I can't breathe- I can't do anything.
I feel something rising up my throat, and my hands grab the toilet just in time for me to throw up there and not on the floor. I don't see anything, I don't breathe anything and hardly feel anything else than pain anymore.
I feel like shit. What the fuck is wrong?
When my vision finally begins to sharpen after a minute, my eyes spot the clumpy blood I'd just thrown up. More blood. Too much blood.
I freak out, not being able to choose wether to call an ambulance for myself or to hide my mess. Tell Fox. A voice in my head courages, but I know if I do so, he'll get way too worried. Because even I knew this was serious.
So I begin to clean up, quickly wiping the splattered blood off of the toilet's edges and washing it all down. No evidence left.
I rise up more carefully this time, holding the sink for support. At first I don't dare to look in the mirror because I was too afraid of what I'd see.
But eventually I get the courage, and rise my head to see. A gasp leaves my lips seeing the reflection, because it wasn't me who was staring back. This girl had blood and vomit splattered all around her lips, too disgusting to even look, and her eye-bags were the size of a football. Cheekbones had begin to look really noticeable and her pin-straight black hair looked dead, like a bunch of old seaweed.
But she was pretty despite everything, long lashes and noticeable cheekbones and sharp jawline. Her cheeks weren't like hamster's anymore, no, her cheeks were sunken and skinny.
I smile at myself, I was pretty now that I was skinny. The girl looked unfamiliar because I hadn't realised how much weight I'd actually lost. Now I finally saw it.
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