━━ love and death. (2024)
edward cullen x fem!oc
chapter forty two
The sound of rain tapping against my window sounded similar to someone throwing pebbles. It was small little taps that happened repeatedly but shockingly soothed me even during my worst days.
I was in my bedroom after leaving Italy — escaping the Volturi alive. I couldn't sleep. Whenever I managed to try I would wake up nearly falling out bed from the endless rustling around under my covers. To the point Edward moved me in a fetal position so he could hold me from behind.
He continuously rubbed my back in order to calm me down but would switch to playing my hair if I felt too cold against his touch.
It almost felt foreign to be his arms again and I couldn't help but silently cry about it.
His hand stopped, hovering over my back and I didn't have to roll over to know he was carrying a pained expression. It's all he ever wore when I was hurt — but this time it was different. This time I was truly struggling with learning how to cope.
"Aspen?" He whispered my name. "What's wrong?"
I stared at the back of my door silently as the tears kept rolling down my cheeks, no effort to wipe them away. I was so tired of crying — so tired of being in pain.
I finally decided to face him, rolling over on my back where he was now hovering over me and brushing strands of hair out of my face.
"I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this, Edward."
His face shifted to grief. "I know," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."
I was feeling an overwhelming amount of deflation. I was truly defeated. "How am I supposed to ever trust you again?" I looked at him honestly with another tear falling down my face.
"Aspen, the only reason that I left was because I thought I was protecting you. I needed you to have a chance at a normal, happy life."
I shook my head and pushed myself up with my arms. Edward shifted so he was sitting beside me with his body facing my direction. I pulled my knees to my chest and wiped the tears off my cheeks. "It was easy for you to leave. Everything you said — that I don't belong in your world. You didn't want to be near me anymore — everything about us was a lie."
I watched him shake his head and his eyebrows furrowed together painfully. "Leaving you was the most agonizing thing I've done in a hundred years."
"I don't know," I mumbled under my breath. "You thought I died so you wanted to kill yourself out of what? Guilt?"
Realization settled over him. "You think I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?" I stared at him silently before he sighed. "I went to them because I thought I'd lost you."
I recoiled from his touch when he tried to place a hand on my knee. "But you did lose me. You said you didn't want me anymore."
He tilted his head to the side, accepting of my pain finally overcoming him with defeat but I noticed a hint of playfulness in his voice. "I had to be convincing — wasn't I?" I looked away from him. "In my hundred years, I've never had a harder time than what I just went through."
I looked down at my comforter and picked at a freestand of string sticking out. "I saw you sometimes — small visions of you, always protecting me. I thought maybe I was beginning to lose my mind."
"Your own instincts were speaking to you. I wish it had been me — but you're the heroic one. You saved me." Cautiously he reached his hand up and I could feel his fingertips brush over my ear. I finally looked at him again and frowned. "You tried to leave me before, at the hospital, remember? So it wasn't that hard to believe you were ready to go back in October."
He exhaled heavily and I quickly looked at him again, worried he was beginning to grow irritated but he held a steady expression like he understood. His voice dropped lower and his face moved closer to mine. "I will spend every single day from this day forward making it up to you. I'm going to fight for your trust back — the way any man should."
Before I almost woefully forgot about all my morals, Edward was suddenly gone just as my bedroom door swung open and the lights flickered on.
I turned my head away and blinked aggressively against the harsh lighting. "You alright? Another nightmare?"
I rub my eyes but shake my head, turning to look at my dad. "No, I'm okay. You don't have to worry." I fixed myself underneath my blanket as if I was going to lay back down.
Charlie stared at me from where he stood between my room and the hallway. "Last time you said that you left me in the middle of the night then disappeared for three days."
Sadness clouded my heart and as I looked at him, I could see how tense he felt that maybe I was packing to leave again. I gave him his own kind of nightmares. "I'm really sorry, dad."
His face was stern before switching to softness at my sincerity. "Aspen — don't you ever do that to me again. Ever" I nodded my head. "And you're grounded for — the rest of your life."
I flashed him a smooth reassuring smile. Almost like I felt proud to hear him say that. "I know."
He turned to leave with the door closing behind him but before he could fully disappear, I quickly sat up in my bed and he turned. "I love you, dad."
He didn't miss a heartbeat to respond. "I love you more, kiddo."
My lights were turned off and the door finally shut behind him. Edward appeared at my side again but this time kneeled in front of me by the edge of the bed. "I'm not technically breaking any of his rules," he smiled softly. "He did say, I couldn't take a step inside through the door. I came in through the window."
I couldn't laugh at his humor even if I wanted to — I didn't know how anymore.
He surprised me by taking both of his hands on mine, the pads of his thumbs running across the broken skin around my finger nails. All those anxious and lonely days caused me to subconsciously pick at the skin on my fingers until they bled. Some were still redder than others — trying to heal as quickly as possible.
He decided to ignore the obvious but couldn't mask his pained expression. "He's not going to forgive me easily. Can you?" I remained silent and unmoving — afraid my emotions would overcome me. "I hope you can because I honestly don't know how to live without you."
My instincts were to pull him closer and kiss him in hopes it would take away his pain. I was known for trying to satisfy others but never knew how to tend to my own wounds.
His hand traveled up my arm and towards my face, holding my cheek in his palm carefully and although the coldness sent a small chill down my spine — I couldn't help but lean into it for comfort.
"There's something I need to tell you." I closed my eyes briefly to soak into the warmth of his presence, guilt beginning to overcome me before I opened my eyes to meet his soft expression. "I surrounded myself with a lot of good people while you were gone. They were – uhm, wolves but they looked after me." He nodded once and tilted his head to the side silently. "Embry, you remember, was kind to me – I even got to meet a few of his friends. Which brought me to Kai."
"Kai?" His hand slowly lowered from my face and I dropped my stare down to my hands as they rested on my lap. I nodded, "Kai is — he — "
I couldn't help but cover my face with my hands in distress. I felt extreme guilt and the tears collected in my eyes once more but Edward carefully pulled my hands away. I shuttered softly but looked at him with a tearful gaze. "He's a wolf and he – he imprinted on me."
Edward slowly reeled his head back and turned his face away so I couldn't read his expression. But I watched the muscle in his jaw grow tight like he was gritting his teeth together to remain calm.
It took a few heartbeats for him to turn back to me and appear more relaxed — confident even. "It doesn't matter anymore. I'm here now."
I held his stare silently before slowly nodding my head. "Once Rosalie changes me," I began with a whisper. "You can't get rid of me — you'll have to try a lot harder than that."
Edward shook his head slowly, disagreeing with my comment naturally. "She won't need to change you. There are always ways to keep the Volturi in the dark."
I bit down on my lip and pulled my face away from his hand, frustration coming over me quickly. "They'll come after your family Edward. They will kill mine." Edward tentatively grabbed my wrist to keep me still before I could fully move away from him. "This isn't like how it was before — you'd risk that just to keep me human?"
His facial expression darkened. "Just? You really don't understand what you'd be giving up."
I inhale heavily, doing my best to keep myself from lashing out on him because he was refusing to grasp the entire situation. I pulled my arm from his grasp and climbed out of bed. "Well, you're not the only one who gets a say in it anymore."
"You all know what happened with the Volturi. Alice and Rosalie were there — they're my witness. Aro wants something from me." I stood in front of the Cullen family with Edward standing off behind me, no doubt holding a sour expression. "And if I don't prove it to him — they'll kill me, my family —- and they'll kill you. In the beginning I wasn't sure what exactly I wanted but I knew I wanted to be with Edward — I wanted a longer life with my brother and my dad. But now I am faced with a difficult situation that could put an end to all of that. I don't want to spend the next few months or years — if I'm lucky — in constant fear."
I exhaled slowly. "You all know what Edward wants and you know what I want. But I won't force myself on you — "
"You don't know what you want — " Edward tried to speak up behind me. I quickly turned my head and sent him a frightful glare that even he stepped back to retreat. "Shut up." He looks away, visibly frustrated but backs down.
I turned back around with a small sigh. "However this turns out, I'm not letting the Volturi hurt you or my family. I'll go back to Italy alone if I have to -- "
Emmett shook his head. "The hell you will. I'm not missing another fight."
I roll my eyes just as Alice leaves Jasper's side to skip towards me with delight beaming across her face. "As if you're not already my sister — of course it's a yes!" She hugs me tightly and I cautiously pat her back until she pulls away.
Jasper rises but keeps his distance. "It would be nice to not wanna kill you all the time."
I laugh — wholeheartedly for the first time in a while and some of the others do as well. Excluding the obvious pity party that was happening behind me. My eyes drift over to where Edythe is standing. Her arms pulled tightly across her chest and her eyes not meeting mine but the sadness was knowledgeable.
"I'm really sorry for what I did," she whispered softly. "I feel that I am the cause of everything that happened."
I shook my head quickly at her. "No — please don't blame yourself. I never did."
She turned her head to meet my gaze, a small tug at the corner of her lips to flash a smile. "I agree with Jasper — it would sure as hell make things a lot easier." I couldn't hold back my giggle.
"Edward," Rosalie finally spoke beside Emmett. "I'm sorry for what I did. And I know you're not ready to forgive me — " her gaze turns to me now and I see the guilt behind her eyes. "I know what I said before to the Volturi. I meant what I said — if it came down to it, I'll be the one to do it. But in this case this isn't the life I'd have chosen for myself. I wish there'd been someone to vote no for me." I watched her exchange a small glance with Carlisle before looking down to the floor. "So... no."
I nod my head slowly. "I respect that, Rosalie. And thank you."
Emmett suddenly engulfs me in a strong bear hug, spinning me around once before letting my feet touch the ground again. "I vote hell yeah! We can pick a fight with these Volturi some other way."
Esme approaches me next but instead of anything physical like Alice and Emmett, she places a gentle hand over my cheek like a comforting mother. "I already consider you part of the family."
She steps aside just as Carlisle walks up to me but instead moves so he can face me and Edward. He folds his hands together and I finally turn back to look at Edward. He's leaning back against the wall while standing on the stairs.
"Why are you doing this to me?" He asks Carlisle. "You know what this means."
"You've chosen not to live without her, which leaves me no choice. I won't lose my son." He turns to me now and gives a small nod. "Rosalie has never turned anyone — it'd be safer If I did it — "
Suddenly the front door slams shut and I look to see Edward is gone. My gaze falters to the floor and I mentally shake away the pang of guilt in my heart. "Thank you. Thank you all."
Sitting in the car with Edward driving home was painfully awkward. I kept my gaze out the window and watched the trees pass by as he kept himself focused on the road in front of him. The sun had just begun peaking out and it was almost time for Charlie to wake up for work.
"When?"
I slowly looked over at Edward. He still focused on the road and his voice was more harsher than I expected it to be. "I'll wait until after graduation to make it easier on Charlie. College and all — "
"Two months?" His hand gripped the wheel. "That barely gives me any time."
"May I remind you that this is my decision Edward and you're going to have to live with it." I responded sternly. "I'm sorry but there's no other way. Carlisle suggested it – said it would be better for Charlie. I'll need time to adapt."
I watched his facial expression visibly relax. He knew he was losing this battle but nevertheless tried to make things comfortable between us again. "Would you be willing to trade for that?"
I raised my eyebrow at him curiously. "Name it."
"Five more years as a human."
I wanted to laugh. He couldn't be serious. "The Volturi won't wait that long and you know it." He turned to look at me finally. "I'll settle for three."
I begin to shake my head with a frown. "I can't risk it. I'm sorry."
He doesn't give me a chance to look away as he takes my hand in his. "Why are you so willing to give up your soul?"
I don't miss a beat. "Because I don't believe you've lost yours. And — " I kept my gaze locked on his. "I want to share mine with you forever."
He brings my hand closer to his mouth and presses a soft kiss on the top before roughly slamming on the breaks. I quickly turned my gaze to the front and saw Kai standing in front of us with his chest heaving heavily. If looks could kill —- this was it.
"He wants to talk to me." Edward mutters. "This is Kai, yes?"
I unbuckle my seatbelt, "well, he can talk to me first." I climb out of the car, following Kai into the woods as Edward quickly follows behind.
His expression is hard and little unreadable but no doubt pained with what stood right in front of him. The strong reality of how different our lives will always be.
"I see you're still alive." He shoves his hands into his pockets just as I cross mine firmly over my chest. "I tried to call," I responded. "You haven't answered."
"Couldn't drop by?"
"He thinks I'm keeping you away," Edward spoke from behind me, causing Kai to spin towards him angrily. "You stay the hell out of my head!"
I exhaled heavily and took a cautious step towards him. "I'm obviously grounded, Kai. We're trying to get back before he wakes up." He remains silent and turns his gaze away from me, Edward takes a chance to push forward. "Kai, I know you have something to say to me. But I wanna say something first — thank you for keeping Aspen alive when I didn't."
"No, you didn't." Kai snapped. "You have no idea what she was trying to do. And it wasn't for your benefit, trust me."
"I do," Edward responded more calmly this time. "She told me everything — every piece of detail, every honest thought she's had — " I purposely turned my gaze away from Kai as my face turned red with embarrassment. "See, we don't keep secrets from one another."
Kai's voice lowered several octaves and I was undoubtedly sure he was trying to come off more powerful. "If this is your way of rubbing it in my face, you can keep that shit to yourself."
"I'm not going to leave her side until she orders me away." Edward responded bitterly now.
"We'll see," Kai rolled his eyes.
"Either way," Edward continued. "We'll handle Victoria from here on out."
I watched Kai tilt his chin and remove his hands from his pockets, sizing Edward up and I nearly barfed like I was watching college football and two jocks trying to decide who's going to tap out first.
"She's been laying low. Ever since your freaky sister showed up. Guess she can't stand you Cullens either."
Edward shook his head. "She'll come back."
"And if she does, she's ours." Kai pointed out, now daring to take a few steps closer towards Edward. "She killed on our turf. And I'm here to remind you about a key point in the treaty."
I looked up at Edward and his eyes darkened instantly. "I haven't forgotten."
"What key point?" I blurted out.
Kai meets my stare, finally, but there's no sign of him calming down. "If any of them bites a human, the truce is over."
I slowly shift my stance on the other foot, dread overcoming me now before tearing my gaze away from him. "But if I choose it, it has nothing to do with you."
I heard the leaves crunch under his foot as he took a step forward in my direction. "No, no I won't let you." His voice was laced with concern and Edward took a protective stance in front of me naturally. "You're not going to be one of them, Aspen."
"It's not up to you," I responded coldly. "It's my decision."
I look at him and witness his heartbreak in real time. I pushed back the strong pain of guilt, reminding myself that nobody has control over me or my body.
"Please, Aspen — " His eyes bore into mine. His voice cracking towards the end as he pleads. "You and I, we couldn't — "
I heard a small rumble come from Edwards chest like a warning sign coming from a lion. I quickly step around him and lead Kai backwards so we could have a moment alone. I send Edward an apologetic stare but he only looks away in silence.
I stand before Kai now with my arms crossed over my chest, tearing my eyes from the ground and up to him as he looked at me with the most tearful gaze I've ever seen from him. "I've read that imprinting doesn't just have to be romantic," I said softly. "It can be platonic — family or a friend. We can be friends, Kai." His expression did change or lift with acceptance, but I could practically hear his heart begin to shatter. "Please don't make me choose — because it'll be him. It'll always be him."
"Aspen..." the whisper of my name from his lips sent tingles up my arms and I wish there was more that I could do for him. Edward appeared at my side now and put an arm around my waist while keeping a strong gaze locked on Kai. "Goodbye, Kai."
He suddenly grabbed Edward roughly by his bicep while his other hand grabbed mine. "No, you don't get to speak for her!" I mentally cursed knowing this was about to end worse than I expected. Edward didn't take lightly to Kai's sudden possessiveness and shoved him backwards with one hand.
My mouth gaped open in shock and fear as Edward pushed me backwards just as Kai did a flip straight into his wolf form. "Aspen, get out of here!"
Kai hunched low to the ground and let out a menacing growl that was similar to the day I was facing Laurent. It sent anxious chills throughout my body but I quickly separated them both by standing between them with my arms up.
"Stop it!" I shouted firmly, my eyes flickering between them both. "You can't hurt each other without hurting me! Is that what you want?!" I shot a quick warning glare in Edwards direction then looked towards Kai.
His paws dug deeper into the dirt before taking one step backwards then running away into the woods behind him. I quickly shook my head in defeat, taking a step towards the direction he ran off towards. This isn't what I wanted — not even remotely close to what I dreamt about when I tried to picture a better life for myself.
Edward didn't want to live without me as much as I didn't want to live without him. With Kai's imprint he would have to be in my life in order to survive, I understood that — but I needed them both to find it in their hearts to get along for me. I was tired of losing people.
"He's right." Edward spoke up behind me. "You shouldn't become one of us."
I slowly turn back around and start walking towards him. I was feeling defeated all over again, knowing there was no chance of satisfying either of them ever, even if I knew what was best. I looked up at Edward and frowned. "Don't make me do this alone, please."
His hands come up to hold my face. "Then please just wait." A smile slowly began to stretch across his lips. "Are you sure you can't wait five years?"
"No, I can't."
His gaze flickers across my face and his thumb brushes across my cheek bone softly. "You're so stubborn."
Finally, I smile at him, accepting my fate within our relationship that I will never be able to deny him. "Isn't that the reason you love me?" My heart tingled just by saying the words and I watched a glimmer of excitement flash in his eyes. He pulls me closer, his one arm going around my waist so we're chest to chest — our hearts pressed together. "I have one condition — if you would like me to do it myself instead of Rosalie."
I furrowed my eyes curiously but kept my gaze locked on his with a small smile. "Okay, what's the condition?"
"And then forever," he added and I nodded understandably. "Of course — that's all I'm asking."
He swallows and I watch his lips part briefly, the corner of his mouth twitching up in a smile. A heartbeat passed and I almost pushed for him to tell me, the anticipation overcoming me suddenly.
He must've known what I was thinking — his own thoughts falling into place with mine as his soft words spoke the very three words I never thought I'd hear in this lifetime.
"Marry me, Aspen."
dylan's notes
TA-DA !! THE END.