It was a blur as pain filled her heart. No one is more unlucky than her in love and she can prove it. There she stood in front of the woman she had fallen in love with. Just when she thought she could get one hell of a shot about this, maybe this one would finally make her feel she isn't wasting anymore of her time because Anntonia knows this person loves her back.
Michelle does, Ann knows that much is true. But the timing fucks it up, how long can she stay mad at the world for messing her up like this? There lies the woman that she, for once, she wanted to be with. Only for her to find out that at any moment Michelle could slip away from her and this time it's for good.
It would've been probably easier if she's dealing with another person who wants to be in Michelle's life, a love triangle should have been easier to deal with, or a confession of everything that she feels and all the bad things that she had done. But not this one, her enemy is not a person but a situation and time.
Before she ever sought the bartender, Anntonia had already thought of different scenarios of how things would play out and for all of it, she had thought of a solution that can win Michelle over so they can be together, finally. Out of all the things she had imagined, a heart disease and a heart attack are not one of them.
Seeing her lying in a hospital bed, looking so pale and sickly, those eyes that stared intensely at her with want and love, where she needed not to utter any words had become empty and void of emotions, like she's already accepted what's going to happen next.
Oh, how she wishes that this building would just collapse and let it crumble into dust with her in it. Because of this, she couldn't bear the excruciating pain she's feeling as she staggered outside Michelle's room. And God, how many times does one have to walk away before you realise you've done enough?
The hurting woman wanted to lash out, scream at the top of her lungs hoping that maybe it would help to at least ease the heartache she's currently feeling, even if she knows it would not subside, but she wanted- needed something to take it all away for just a few moments as it has been too much, like someone is pulling at her heart out and she couldn't do anything about it.
The doctor can feel that some people in the hospital must have been looking at her weirdly, or maybe some of them can recognise her but that didn't bother her. All she wants is to not feel the way she's feeling, all she wants is to breathe properly because it feels like all the air has dissipated in her lungs and it's suffocating her, and tears couldn't stop from falling no matter how many times she tried to wipe them.
She has to leave, run as fast as she can, then maybe, just maybe, by the time she comes out of this place, it will lessen the pain. She chuckled and shook her, that would be an impossibility and foolish, because who is she kidding? This will haunt her for the rest of her life.
The doctor walked slowly through the hospital corridors, trying her best not to bump into the busy people walking around. She needed a place to ponder things through, a quiet place where she can process what she just found out, not clear her mind off Michelle because as of this moment, it was all her that's running through her mind no matter how angry and betrayed she was.
"Hi." A quiet voice spoke behind her while she stood in front of a full glass window still inside the hospital.
She turned around, not thinking how messy she looked, tear tracks still visible on her cheeks. It was Michelle's sister, with brown eyes, lighter than Michelle was looking sympathetically at her.
"Hello." she croaked, it's all she could say because any more than that, she's not sure what's going to happen to her next.
"I'm sorry if I followed you here, I know you must be needing a few moments to let it all sink in." There's a small smile on her lips, a comforting one that says she understood what she's feeling right now, hell, she could be feeling way worse than her because she is Michelle's family.
Anntonia's chin and lower lip quivers, wanting nothing more than to just rip her heart out so she won't feel the shards that keep on stabbing her in the inside. "To be honest, I really don't know what to say or how to even process all of this. It's like my whole being doesn't allow me to and it's driving me mad."
"Do you mind if we sit?" she asked, nodding her head to the empty seats by the semi-secluded hallway of the hospital. Ann nodded her head.
"She has been sick for a long time, gosh, I couldn't even remember when it all started. She underwent medications, surgeries and you can imagine how that kills our parents each time something happens related to her heart disease. You know, between my brother and I, it's hard to live your life to the fullest when one of your loved ones couldn't do it, how could we, when our youngest of the pack is slowly losing her life?" Maxine's voice breaks while she speaks.
"Then she pulled through all of it when our family thought it wasn't gonna be easy for her."
Michelle's older sister chuckles bitterly, "that's why the moment she got the permission, well- barely got the permission that she can leave the house to study and get to work, our mum and dad knew that it's gonna be difficult to ask her to go back home." Maxine shakes her head.
"Not because she's into a full rebel mode, but she wanted to have some freedom, as one would. That didn't stop all of us from worrying about her, of course. She did great, living by herself, making a living for herself, not wanting to depend so much on our parents because throughout her life it was like that."
Ann couldn't speak, all she can do right now is to listen and ask her questions later. Unsure if Maxine has all the answers.
"Then she met Rhian." A pang of jealousy tugged at Ann's chest at the mention of her name. "I don't know if Michelle has ever talked to you about her but she was her ex girlfriend, you see, Rhian is one nurse who helped take care of her." Maxine chuckled.
"How convenient was that, right? Out of anyone she fell for a nurse and to think that she hates going to the hospital, hates doctor's appointments and the irony of it? She got engaged to someone who's in the medical field." There was a pause before the lawyer continued. "But then there's you."
The doctor swallowed the lump in her throat, "and then there's me." She repeated. "Me, who didn't deserve to know the truth," Ann said bitterly.
"The worst part of it is she made me believe she loves me, but you do not destroy someone you love like this. You do not hinder them from knowing the truth and here I thought it was me who did all the damage between us."
A sobbing came out of her, because everything feels heavy. She's a person who always wants to be in control of everything that's happening in her life, this time though, all of it is crumbling down at her feet and she couldn't think of any ways on how to make it stop and slow everything down. "If her plan is to leave like this without me knowing, then what do I believe in? God, I am so angry at her and at myself."
She feels a hand drawing up and down on her back, consoling her. "It's unfair, all of this is unfair."
"My sister- she loves you. I see it, I'm not telling you this to make you stop from being angry at her or anything, though we've met at the most inopportune time," she shakes her head. "Believe me, if it weren't for my daughter who recognised you at the restaurant, we wouldn't be able to find out that my sister was seeing someone and I'm glad that she has met you, those two have taken a liking to you and I think I do now too."
"You have all the rights to be mad because she didn't tell you about her heart, believe me I've talked to her about this many times that you have the right to know what she's going through, but she's scared and Michelle said it doesn't matter anymore because she thought you didn't reciprocate her feelings for you. I will not persuade you to stay by her side right now, take as much time as you need to process all these, but I just want to apologise on behalf of my sister, for hurting you this way and as stubborn as she is, I know she's hurting too. But I'm glad to see you here and thank you."
Anntonia bites her inner cheek to stop herself from crying. "I was actually looking for her, been calling her cell, but she's not taking any of my calls. It's crazy, I was chasing after her because I wanted her to know that I feel the same way, that I love her back."
"Do you think she deserves to hear them coming from you?"
"Do you think she's right? That's it too late?" Ann took a deep breath, "all of these scares me. I'm scared that if I walk away now, the moment I leave she's gonna be gone and I won't have the chance to say it or what if I stay and spend all the time that's left with her but when it's time for her to leave me while I'm in so deep, what if.." she swallowed.
"It would break me, I'm not sure if I could cope with losing her. But whatever I would choose, there's a chance that I might still lose her, and it's driving me insane because none of these will make us both win."
Maxine closes her eyes as it becomes blurry with her tears, her heart breaks for the woman beside her. The girl looks so helpless, all of her fears are valid. She could see the agonising pain of this woman and how scared she was being.
"Then I guess you just have to pick which is going to make the pain more bearable. If walking away will save you from hurting, then do it."
"How do you do it? I've just found out now it's already killing me, how do you and your family do it?"
"Faith. When it's all that's left, where else should we hold on to, right? Now, I'm gonna go back there. You can stay if you want or not, I understand. So again, thank you, Ann. It's so nice to finally meet you." Another brush of Maxine's hand on her back before she went back in.
It's her turn to feel sick on her stomach, it's been churning even while she's still at home until the coiling has got worse, seeing the person she's been looking for a couple of days back. Ann wanted to throw up to ease up the tension and anxiety that's building up inside her. She has a feeling that if she stays, Michelle will only push her away and if she goes, the doctor fears not being in the know.
Everything inside of her is aching, if only she could take a moment to make her heart stop from hurting, she might've done it by now. "Michelle Dee, you'll be the death of me." She mumbled to herself as she started walking.
—
Michelle
No matter how many times I close my eyes and force myself to go back to sleep, the stricken look on her face is haunting me. It has to be done though even if my entire being is screaming for her to not leave me alone in this room because this is a scary place for me, a maddening one where all I can hear is the beeping of these apparatuses, the sound of my cardiologist's voice whenever he visits, my mum and sister's silent cries and it's all too getting too much.
Anntonia must have already left by now. It's been quite a while since she walked out of this room, probably this time, out of my life. It doesn't make it easier though, if only I have much time left, I'm certain that I would never stop chasing after her. Not until I realised she felt the same way, too.
This exhausts me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm driving the person who I love farther away from me.
"Hey." Mum greeted me as she walked inside the room while she's holding Bella. "Can't sleep?"
"You need more rest, dear. Do you want something?"
A good, functioning heart if there's one available. "No, I'm fine, mum. Just having a hard time getting some sleep." I said, winking at my niece. "Where's your mummy, Bella?"
"She's talking with your friend."
My attention perks up. "Anntonia's still here?"
Mum gave me a tight-lipped smile. "So that's the mystery woman's name. She's beautiful, dear. I offered to follow her to the lobby, but your sister insisted that she'll do it instead."
I sighed. "I thought she had already left."
"Did she get angry at you?"
The weight of hiding my condition from Ann is starting to really affect me. I knew I was being selfish for lying about my health, thinking that it would be better if it remained like that. It was so arrogant of me to not consider how she would feel when she finds out whether she loves me back.
Another thing is about me feeling guilty about wasting most of my time avoiding my family as I stare at my mum, how she's trying so hard to conceal the sadness in her eyes, but it's still full of nothing but love and concern. Those times I opted to ignore their calls because the conversation will always turn out the same and it's my family, for God's sake.
"That's given, can't blame her for feeling that way." I said simply, like the very hurt look on Ann's face did not affect me at all.
My mum said nothing, knowing that I'm still going to be so stubborn about it. Truth is, I know that keeping her beside me would just eventually take a toll on her. The same fear I had with my relationship with Rhian in the past, and honestly, seeing my family's burden about me, has been more than enough to bear.
"I'm so sorry, mum." I started, as the guilt settled in once again, feeling it like a gasoline lit with fire setting ablaze in my entire being. "Sorry for not being the best daughter you and dad have expected me to be. All those times that I should've been there, present, with all of you." My voice breaks, "Forgive me for running away, I wanted to live my life so bad that I neglected you and my responsibilities as your daughter."
I felt my mother's hand grasping mine. Her tears were falling freely from her eyes and it breaks my heart seeing her cry. "My baby, you're here now. That's all that matters. Your father and I are happy that you're here, not in this situation, but you're home. But mummy's gonna need you to fight a little more, hm?" She choked on a sob. "Mum needs you to stay longer, because no child should go first before their parents and forgive me for being selfish, but I need you here, honey. We love you." She presses a kiss on my forehead.
"Okay, I'll try to stay for you and dad, hm? But I'm getting tired, mum. I can't promise anything, but I will try. Right now," I breathed, feeling my eyes become heavy, ready for yet another sleep. She smiles a little, covering the sorrow she's feeling.
"Sleep for now, hm? We're all gonna be here when you wake up."
"Mhm.. just a few minutes of sleep, mum."
Her hand combing into my hair is helping to lull me to sleep.
—
I fell asleep longer than the nap I was actually aiming for. "What time is it?" I mumbled, trying to clear my vision as I scan the room for any sign of my parents and my siblings, until my eyes caught sight of her. Sitting on the couch, her eyes closed. I cleared my throat to get her to open her eyes, and she jumped a little, looking around the room in panic. "Why are you still here?"
Ann takes a deep breath, calming herself down as she stands up and sits on the chair beside my bed. "Y-your parents had to go home to get more things that you will need with your sister and Bella. Your brother went to get some dinner."
"What are you still doing here? You need to go home."
"I'm actually where I wanted to be. I'm not going home." She said in a gentle voice.
There's a long, uncomfortable silence inside the room. Neither of us couldn't make eye contact with each other, because I didn't want to bare any more of myself for her to see. "Just go, please, go home, Ann. I don't want to see you hurting because of me, I don't want to inflict you more pain than I already have. I'm sorry for lying to you, I couldn't take it all back now and this is the only way for you to get out."
She covered her face with hands, before taking them off, her eyes shut. And when she opens them, worry and sadness etched into her eyes. She says nothing, though; she averted her eyes and stared at the muted television. I can see her clenching her jaw as she pursed her lips.
"I don't want to wake up each time while you're here and witness you faking a smile, feigning an okay facade, pretending that everything is going to be alright when in fact things for me aren't gonna get better, unless I get a new heart and I'm not even sure if I'm going to have it on time."
She shakes her head, biting her lower lip, still focused on the TV in front of her. So I continued on even if it's getting harder for me to speak. "I can't see you being here as it slowly breaks you apart, while I look into your tired and pained eyes, knowing that I caused that. Knowing I am the one who made you stay. Ann, I don't want to hurt you."
Anntonia wiped her tears angrily, before turning to look at me and I found myself staring back at the pools of brown that hold nothing but care and concern and maybe, just maybe, if I looked further enough- love. Warm hand grips my hand.
"Do you have any idea how foolish you're being?"
My eyes went wide with surprise at her statement before I composed myself after getting caught off guard. "What?"
"Why can't you just accept that there are people who love you whether you're sick or not and want to stay with you?"
"Foolish? And says the woman who runs away the minute someone says 'I love you' to them." I countered.
She narrowed her eyes at me as I waited for her argument. Here we go again with the push and pull.
"You know what? Fine. I'm sorry for hurting you, if I walk away from you, if I didn't let you in the last time! Sorry for being scared that you will be one of those people in my life who first gets me to fall for them and then they leave. Because that's how we met, that's how we wanted what we had at first and now we're here."
Ann scratches her forehead frustratingly. "I'm still angry at you, God, you have no idea. Seeing you here, finding out that you're just not sick but we're unsure of how long you're gonna be here, it makes me mad. I watch you here sleeping, checking if your still breathing is painful. It made me realise, had you told me about this early on, then I could've spent more time with you. Had you told me what you're going through, then I would've taken care of you, dammit, and I call myself a doctor, for God's sake." I was about to argue back, but she shakes her head no.
"I know you don't need someone to take care of you, you don't enjoy seeing the pity in everyone's eyes, well, guess what?! It's not some kind of pity. It's care. They care for you! Watching you sleep earlier, I wish you would just wake up and so we could spend what little time you had left with me. I've been warned that you will continue to push me away, so don't even bother doing that because it will not work, Michelle."
We're both crying now and I know that these hospital walls aren't sound proofed that the nurses might hear us or that it's going to trigger another stress for my heart. Ann keeps on checking the monitor, but I'm trying to be calm even if this isn't the right situation for us to have this row right now.
"I hate how much time we've already wasted and we're still wasting them right now, how every moment I'm spending with you could be your last. I know you need to rest, you need to recuperate and it frustrates me so much that we can't drive to other places, do the same old stuff that we have been doing before everything went into a pile of shit, but you have to do what's going to help you feel much better, you stay here and I stay here."
"Ann, it won't change anything. So why couldn't you just leave me alone, I don't need your help." She closes her eyes and I know what I just said hurts her. "All those things you wanted to do, you can do them with someone else, one who is able and won't be a burden to you. Someone you could fall in-"
"Because I love you! Dammit, I love you. I'm in love with you. It's you, no one else. I'm not gonna look for someone better or healthier, I will not do it." She sobbed. "I just want you. So please, please, I'm begging you, don't let me go, please. Michelle, I have so many things I wanted to tell you. I'm asking you to love me again, I need you to not take it all back." She smiles a little, "I want you to keep on loving me."
She wet her lips, "those things you said to me before. I want them too. About holding hands in public, show me off, kiss me whenever you want, I want to meet your family, all of it."
I was already preparing myself for another claim about how we shouldn't be together, about to retort another line, but I stopped short when those words left her lips. Her confession went straight through me like knives and bullets piercing all over my body.
My head keeps screaming, "She loves me back? She loves me back. Oh my God, she loves me back!"
—
Anntonia's tone and the way she said it heralded the finality of her words. Even if there's no assurance that Michelle would pull through and they can be together for as long as they want, still she found herself losing a grip of saying the curse word she's been saying every time she feels a constricting pain in her chest. This time, though, she muttered it out loud.
"Fuck, you-"
There was a gasp. The bartender drew a shaky breath, followed by an inhale and an exhale. Because no, she's not cursing Ann. It's just getting harder for her to breathe once again and her heart is beating faster, but she tries to clear herself, seeing the pained look on the girl's face. So she mumbled the words that only Ann could make out:
"Fuck, you love me back."
Michelle's jaw slacked, while the doctor watches her turn uncharacteristically desolate, it took every ounce of the bartender to utter the words that should be easier to say now that the woman in front of her reciprocates how she feels; she wanted to, so badly, to hold the doctor's hand tighter as a sign that she would have her no ifs and no buts.
That this was what she has been waiting for before her health deteriorates. Anntonia will always be the person who meant the most to her, but it would make it ten times worse to see that she'd be just in the wind soon enough, leaving the most precious person in her life, the one who she'd be willing to give her heart to.
Ann, for her part, wanted to pull Michelle into her arms. It is more terrifying to hear what her answer would be now that she already laid it all out, she should expect to see her wide grin. She wanted to see at least a smile for her to know that Michelle will have her, but there was none of that. Her eyes wandered into the bartender's features, how she didn't notice her pale skin before, her eyes that hold everything, they've become empty and void of emotions.
Everything is painted dull and grey, as if she already knew that her declaration of love is not enough to convince Michelle to not push her away.
"But you still have to go. You cannot stay here with me." Michelle choked out on her words. Feeling as the bile rises from the pit of her stomach, she wanted to throw up, because really, for the life of her, this is not how she pictured Ann and her.
The doctor stared at her incredulously, true; she was half expecting it, that she would be on her most stubborn self and there's a possibility that she would still let her go. Michelle didn't know that after she talked to Maxine, Anntonia left.
She needed more air to breathe, needed more time to think about what she would do next. Maxine did not beg her to stay for the sake of her younger sister, she however, left some wisdom to ponder over. She went home, took the bus and as she sat there painstakingly, she'd concluded what she really felt.
It still hurts being left in the dark with the most important information about the woman she just fell in love with, even if she's still angry for not being considered as worthy to know at least a part of the truth, still, she wanted to be there for her.
Time is running out and if she doesn't act fast, she's going to regret it for the rest of her life. Truth is, a part of her was still thankful that she found out about it now and not on the day that- she closes her eyes at the thought. A part of her dies whenever her thoughts go farther enough.
She followed Maxine before going back to Makati. Ann didn't know why, but she felt comfortable talking to Michelle's older sister. All the things that the bartender had told her about her siblings felt contradictory, maybe in her profession she must be tough and firm to win a case but the person she sees in the hospital was a sister who loves her younger sister so much, it wasn't even that; it looked motherly, given the reason that she was the one who was there to look out for her sister while their parents were not with them.
Maxine offered a room in their ancestral house, but Anntonia declined. With a shy smile, "not yet." was her answer, and the lawyer gets it, it would be very awkward when Michelle goes home and Anntonia stays with them if things went south. A hotel room will do just fine.
So when she heard Michelle utter those words, her heart sank.
"If I let you stay with me, you're only going to suffer."
Shaking her head, "no, I can take it. Please, just-"
"If I'm going to have another chest pain and it's really bad, you will see doctors and nurses running in and out of this room," Michelle rasped, willing the tears to fall, "can you take it?"
"I can-" she answered.
"If I coded, would you be able to stand to see them trying to revive me?"
It's like buckets of ice cold water have been poured over her slowly as she takes in all of Michelle's morbid questions.
"Michelle, if this is your way of scaring me, to make me leave? It won't work. So please, just stop and to answer your question," Ann bit her tongue, "if you ever get to that point, I would still be here. I am not leaving your side. I will try to save you over and over again if I have to."
Then Michelle was seething. "I don't believe so. You have the chance to go and start over, why are you wasting your time being here? You see, I'm only going to give you heartbreak after heartbreak."
The doctor heaved a deep sigh. "You don't need to protect me! I don't need you protecting me, do not treat me like a child, Michelle. Do you think I don't know why you're being like this? You're trying to project that you need to save me from you when, in fact, you're doing this to protect yourself."
If only she could hear how hard Ann's heart was beating against her chest. "You want to protect yourself because it's a lot easier, right? Saves you the time to see another person in your life that carries your burden." Giving her a loving and gentle gaze, Ann continued, "baby, I need you to have a little faith in me. I need you to trust me. I'm not as fragile as you think I am."
But Michelle isn't having none of it, she wanted to break, lash out, punch a wall, anything because once again, she's going to hurt her. How harshly would you have to hurt someone for them to die of pure agony and pain?
How cruel would you have to be for them to walk away from you so they won't see how you would self-destruct? There must be a fine line when it comes to that. She couldn't. Not this time. Not to her.
Her being here would only kill them both slowly, and how could she cause her immense pain? She loves her too much to see her suffer. So Michelle braved herself one more push. Hit her where it would hurt the most and then she'll leave. Wait, one last look on her beautiful face. Let me have this one last moment, let me feel her hands holding me longer, because this might be the last time I'll have the chance to do so.
Anntonia's use of the term of endearment didn't escape her, of course, if anything, it made her heart and stomach flutter. Butterflies somersaults at the pit of her stomach. Love. Just when she already found the one she wanted to be with.
You can't have the best of both worlds. Fuck that. Because as long as she's concerned, she never had either. How lovely it would be to have this one forever?
"Man, I really am stupid. Here you are, you just told me the words that I've been meaning to hear. You're returning the love that I've been giving you and yet, why does it still feel like we're missing something? And I've been thinking over and over how great it would be if I had met you earlier, don't get me wrong, what I had with Rhian was great and I am always be grateful that she's a part of my life but I wish, I didn't have to wait a few years before you came along. Maybe then I would've felt complete and no matter what life gives me, I am ready to take on all of them because I know you're there with me. It would have been the best years of my life. I'd die happy knowing that I've got to experience your love."
The doctor shakes her head in defiance, like she already knows where this is going. What's worse is the feeling that Michelle is telling her their last goodbye and she couldn't do anything to stop it. It hurt. Like someone is ripping her heart out of her chest.
"Believe me, it drives me up the wall for doing this to you and to myself. Why would some pass up the opportunity to be with you? But I won't do it. I love you, but you have to leave and live your life, Ann."
She tried, Anntonia really tried to cry in silence but the pain was making her want to scream, she clutched Michelle's hand and brought it to her face and gave it a kiss. "I'm not going. I love you, please. I love you."
Michelle gently wipes her tears, hand staying into Anntonia's tear-stained cheeks. "Me too, so much. Stop crying, please? You can do it, hmm? You can. You have to, baby. Live your life for me, take it as a dying girl's wish."
Another strangled sob escaped her lips, constricting her throat. "Why are you doing this to me?" She cried, as everything inside her plummeted, Ann was spiralling down into a pit of helplessness, "I wouldn't recover," she said after another sob, "I will not be happy, not until you changed your mind."
"Come here."
All the energy had left her body, her knees had become so weak, but she managed to stand up closer to the patient in front of her. She leans down, their faces so close to each other, where she could see light freckles on Michelle's skin. "Hi."
Sad eyes were roaming around her love's face. "Hi."
She pressed their foreheads together, "and I will gladly break it, I will gladly break my heart for you..." the songwriter whispered, as Ann remembered those words, how could she not? It was from the song written to her. The moment felt so painful, and yet it gives her the comfort of being this close to her again. Not stopping herself, Anntonia closes the gap and kisses her.
No one dared to move their lips at first, not until Michelle tilted her head to get a better angle to kiss her. This is what it must feel like to be in heaven. She thinks inwardly when their kiss gets deeper. No one wants their moment to end, as ending the kiss means it's over. Really over and the two of them aren't ready to let go yet, especially Michelle, no matter how many times she's told herself that it has to be done.
Lips still touching, Anntonia asked one last favour. "Can I stay with you until you fall asleep?" She said not meeting her eyes.
"But you have to try, hm? What I've asked of you."
The woman she loves forced to nod her head, though she knew deep inside that she couldn't do it.
A dying girl's wish. She shut her eyes tighter.
Another peck on the lips and Michelle nodded her head as well. "Okay?"
"Okay."