Michelle
Everyone says that love happens when you least expect it. I could say it's true because when I met her, love was the last thing on my mind. Loving someone was not on the list of things that I am planning to do. The clock is ticking and my time is running out, I just know it.
My mother used to hate the beeping sound of a heart monitor in our house, she always asked me how I wasn't getting tired of hearing it. As a joke, I always tell her I'm used to its beeping and that it helps me to fall asleep, but we both know it's a lie. Thank God for the evolution of technology. Now I can check for AFib and an ECG application on my watch.
"Take care of yourself, kid." My brother reminded me, helping me put my things inside the car.
"I'm going home to our parents' house. It's not like I'm going to party for two weeks straight."
He sighs. "I know, it's just... Mum and dad could be so much sometimes and I know it stresses you. Mum nags, she for sure will when you get home."
"It's gonna be fine. I missed her nagging anyway." I look at him with a small smile. "I'm scared, Abe. Been having chest pains recently, they still haven't called if there's a donor. I'm afraid that I'm running out of time."
There's a sombre look on my brother's face, no matter how much I hate to see it, still, I have to tell him. "When was your last checkup?"
I did not answer.
"You haven't been going, have you? Michelle, this isn't something you should ignore. You need to go see a doctor with mum or Maxine. You know what, how about I go home with you?"
"No. No, it's okay. I promise, just that I've been going through something." There is that clenching pain in my chest again, remembering the last time Ann and I talked. "That's the first thing I'd do when I reach home. You have some important engagements to do here, the fans are waiting for the album and you should go for it."
He ponders about it for a few moments. "Alright, only because you've written almost all the songs on this one. But the moment I get a few days free, I'll be on my way to stay with you guys. But seriously, take care of your heart, Michelle, I mean it."
My brother knows that self-care has never been a word in my vocabulary, but I know that he's worried about me. The times that Abe visits or stays in my place have become frequent and all those times that he was there, he rarely could see me emerge in the living room to join him or my sister ever since Anntonia and I ended things.
There were times when I just stayed in my bed pretending to be asleep when he and our sister came into my room to check on me, they watched me lay in the bed while I tried to even my breathing out. Maxine and Bella join us outside, ready to leave, when my brother shoots my sister a knowing look. She nods her head in assurance, muttering, "Mum and I will drag her to the hospital for a checkup if we have to."
—
It's fun being on the road, I've missed seeing the beautiful views of greenery as we near the countryside after hours of driving.
"Does she know that you're leaving?"
I already know the 'she' that Maxine is asking me about.
"Nope." I answered, remembering her having the best time of her life, dancing with someone else in the club. "I don't have to tell her the things I have to do or places I have to go, she's not even going to bother looking for me."
She winced. "It's that bad, huh? Maybe if you tell her about your situation?"
"Then what? I tell her, then she'll feel bad for me, then she'll be forced to stay with me out of pity when she really didn't want to? Besides, she's fine. Moving on and whatnot. I'm done winning her back."
Maxine says nothing at first as she stares outside the window of the car. "I just think she has the right to know, Michelle."
"Well, too bad and too late for that now, isn't it?"
"But, Michelle-" my older sister trails off. She tilted her head to look at me.
I shake my head, still looking straight ahead of the road as I drive, not meeting her eyes. Hearing her exhale a frustrated sigh.
"Look, don't worry about what's going with me and Ann, it's done. We're going home to mum's and we're going to have a wonderful vacation, yes? I'm going home to spend time with you guys. Do you have one of those days where you just want to unplug from everything? That's how I feel, this is what I need right now, Maxine. I don't want to think about anything else."
"Okay." Maxine then opens her purse. "Put your phone here."
"Huh?"
"Your phone. You said you needed this and I agree with you, having to check your phone all the time will only get you distracted and you will have the urge to contact the people that you're trying your hardest to avoid. Let's be honest, in your state right now, I know you will still call her. So, phone, now."
"But what if Abe or Max calls..."
"Now, Michelle."
I rolled my eyes at her and, with a defeated sigh, I reached for my phone and put it inside her purse.
"There. Happy?"
"Ecstatic, thank you very much."
—
A part of me wanted to hold on to that promise that I won't be thinking about anything when I go home, I have told myself that I don't want to think about what's making my heart ache and who it's been yearning for in the City.
A clean break, a trial-and-error wishing that being away from her would help me move on, impossible, but I should try. If only it's that easy, change a heart, then force it to not love and feel for her.
"Ah... home sweet home.." Maxine inhaled and breathed in the fresh breeze of air outside the place we grew up in. "Are you ready to see the entire village?"
I gave my sister a horrified look. "I swear to God, if mother has invited all of her friends in the house for a homecoming party or some shit for me, I'm out of here. I'm not even joking." I whined, dreading to be in a sea of people inside this enormous house.
My sister gave me a slight jab on the rib. "Ow!"
"You love to be around strangers, you work at a pub that's always jam-packed, and now you're telling me you couldn't handle a few of mum and dad's friends? Shit, you even hooked up and fell in love with a stranger." She saw the furrowing of my eyebrows that hit a nerve. "I'm sorry, too soon?"
I glared at her before getting out of the car. "Yes, attorney, too soon." I gritted, slamming the door.
—
Michelle felt so relieved when the door opened and there were no other people except for her parents and grandmother. She was engulfed in a long and tight embrace, feeling as her shirt got wet from her mother's and grandma's tears.
She can now breathe properly, feeling the overwhelming love from the people who have been waiting for her to come home after months and months of her mother persuading her to go home.
"Oh, my baby. Welcome home." Her mum sobbed, still holding her tight. "We've missed you, dad and I have been worried sick about you, dear." The emotional mother touched her daughter's face. "What happened to you? Are you okay? You've lost more weight and you look pale, Michelle."
The bartender, as usual, gave her mother a reassuring smile. "As promised, I am going to see my cardiologist with you, but I feel okay right now. I've missed all of you too, mum."
They walked further inside the house, their father in tow, carrying her bag. "Abe said he's going to follow us here after he attended his prior commitments in the City, which I know by the time he finishes, Maxine and I will be back by then."
"That's okay, honey. Your brother always drives here, which he got scolding from your grandma about not getting his permanent place. He keeps on moving places and keeps on travelling, unlike you and your sister. Let's eat, I hope you're hungry, I prepared all of your favourites." Michelle's mouth watered, excited to eat home-cooked meals by her mother.
"I am starving and I think Bella is too, aren't you, buddy?" She cooed, taking her niece in her arms, kissing her cheek lightly.
She missed this, being surrounded by her family. Though all of their eyes are on her, watching her every move like she's going to disappear any moment now. Especially her mum; her gaze was fixated on her ever since she entered the dining room and sat next to her, but the bartender did not turn to face her mum. Because if she did, her mother would see what's been hiding in those brown irises.
"So," her grandmother started. "I heard you helped your brother on the album that he's producing? When can we listen to them?" the old lady can see a blush creeping into her granddaughter's face. "And I was told you have a girlfriend that you've been keeping from us?"
Her head automatically turned to her sister, who's busy feeding her daughter. When she turned back, everyone was looking at Maxine expectantly. "What?"
"Oh, don't blame your sister, dear. She isn't the culprit."
"Then who, grandma?"
Her grandma gave her a sly smirk. "I was just... What do you kids call it these days? I was just fishing, my dear, and it seems like I caught a huge one."
"I'm not dating anyone right now, grandma, no girlfriend to introduce to you. I'm sorry." The bartender smiled at her sadly. "I wouldn't be here if I had one." She winked, trying to lighten the mood. "But don't worry, grandma, once I get one, I'll let you guys meet her."
—
After a few more hours of catching up, Michelle excused herself and went to her room to get a badly needed shower. She stood under the cascading warm water, thinking. She told herself that maybe being here would help her get her mind off things.
But who is she kidding? She's only lying to herself because right now, all she could think about is her when she's not even allowed to do that anymore because she has no right, hell, she's probably with that woman in the club right now while she's here moping around.
If Anntonia wanted to reach out to her, she should have called her after seeing her in the club that night. It's for the best. But at what cost? Stop thinking about her. But how can she stop when every tug and beating of her heart aches for the doctor? She gets out of the shower before the water turns cold. She feels tired as if she did some energy-consuming activities. So, she laid down on the bed after changing into more comfortable clothes.
The bartender hears the turning of the doorknob on her bedroom's door. Michelle feels like she knows who just stepped into her room, it was her mum. She feels the mattress dip as the lady sat down on the bedside.
"Want to talk about it? I know something has been bothering you." Her mum trailed off.
She chuckled humourlessly. "Why am I not surprised that you're going to see through me?"
"Ah.. a mother knows, Michelle. Penny for your thoughts?"
Her mother might be nagging and overbearing sometimes, but Michelle always confides in her. They've always been so close, maybe it has something to do with her mum who was the one who took care of since she has heart disease.
So she turned to her side, facing her mum. "It's nothing, mum. Just got my heart a little broken, that's all, and that's saying a lot, considering it has been malfunctioning since I can remember it."
"Who is she? It's not because Rhian has got married, is it?"
Michelle closes her eyes. "What Rhian and I had ended in a long time, mum. We both moved on from that, I'm genuinely happy for her. This one's different, I made a mistake."
"Of getting to know her? Everything happens for a reason, darling. Maybe you were bound to meet."
Michelle could feel the tears sliding down her cheek down to her pillow. "But too bad, huh? Because I don't have much time, I can feel it, mum. I keep on waiting for the call that there's a heart ready for me and there's nothing. I have gone under surgeries, thought it would make it all better, but I ended up like this. Every day, I can feel myself slipping away and any time now, another heart attack or two, then I'm gone."
Her mother's lips and chin quivers. "Don't say that, please. You have been in this battle for so long and we are not about to give up now. I-if this girl makes you happy, then why is your heart breaking for her?"
"Because I didn't think that I'm gonna fall for her. She's an amazing, beautiful human being. She doesn't deserve to only have bits and pieces of my love. It would still feel like that, right? What if I die and I leave her alone? That's another heartbreak for her and just by knowing that I will cause that? I can't take it, mum. It's a selfish thing to do, but I don't want to add anymore burden for her, she has been through a lot already."
"Dear, if she loves you, then maybe she will understand, just like Rhian did when she found out about your condition. She accepted it wholeheartedly and stayed with you, maybe this girl would too. You just need to have the courage to tell her."
She shakes her head, "she doesn't love me back, so there's no point. I just hate feeling this way so much that it makes me feel so angry because I couldn't do anything about it. Why now? If I could only rip this heart out and change it into a healthier one, I would've done it by now, but it's not that simple, is it?" She sighed.
"So, I'm just going to love her from a distance, I think that would work." Michelle coughed, feeling the exhaustion enveloping her body. She wipes the tears and smiles at her mother.
"That's enough therapy for now, Mrs Dee. I need to take a nap."
Michelle feels her mum's hand clasping hers tightly. "Okay, take a rest. Don't mind me being here."
"You're going to watch me sleep, like a little child? Just go, mum. Spend your time with Bella, I'm gonna be fine. Go." she muttered, patting her mother's hand. "I'll be down in a few, just got tired from driving."
Her mother stood up from the bed hesitantly, still looking at her daughter, who looked so fragile.
—
The next day, she was sitting in between her sister and their mother with a doctor sitting across from them.
"Look at her, look at her face. Does this say she's living a healthy life, doctor? I mean, who does that? She doesn't call us, not even send us a text message to let us know that she's okay. No, nothing, even if she knows we worry about her. It makes a parent go crazy, if it weren't for her siblings who tell us how she's doing, I'm gonna go crazy thinking that maybe she's had a lapse, maybe she's dead somewhere and she's never coming home to us. I'm living one hell of a life, doctor." She complained dramatically, making her two daughters sigh.
"Here we go..." Michelle mumbles barely above a whisper, massaging her head.
The poor doctor awkwardly clears his throat. "So, Ms Dee, can you tell me about your diet? Do you eat healthy? Fruits and vegetables?"
"Yeah, I always eat healthy-"
"Michelle eats whatever she wants when no one is watching her diet, doctor. When she's in the City by herself, she eats the food that is not good for her. But if she's on my roof, I make sure that she eats a healthy diet." Their mother interjected, and the doctor could only smile.
"Glad to hear that, Mrs Dee, what about sleep? Do you get a full eight to nine hours of sleep?"
"She's a zombie."
"She never sleeps."
"I sleep fine."
The three of them spoke at the same time, the uncomfortable physician nodding his head.
"How about exercise? Have you tried the exercises we've recommended for you?"
"She doesn't do any of them."
"She tries."
"Religiously, I do yoga and pilates."
She, Maxine, and their mum answered in unison again. Michelle turned to her mother and sister outrageously. "What do you mean I don't do it and I try? Mum, you're not there so, you can't see me exercising, and you," she glowers at Maxine. "We have the same yoga instructor."
The doctor clears his throat once again to get their attention. "Uh, how about we let Ms Michelle answer my questions?"
"Do you drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes?"
"Like the captain of pirate ships."
"She works as a bartender."
"Occasionally."
Michelle wanted to bang her head on the table, while her sister didn't know if she wanted to laugh or cringe, while their mother, as always, looked so serious. This has been the worst checkup of all time, top tier to the one where she was diagnosed with a heart disease.
Her heart doctor couldn't be more confused. "Okay..." he breathed. "Michelle, your answers to my questions tell me you're doing great, but your mum and your sister tell the opposite." He trailed off. "Then who do I believe?"
"I am her mother, so you have to believe me."
"Me. You have to believe me, it's my body."
"Michelle, you just told us you're not feeling really good these past few days."
The doctor shakes his head. "Alright, ladies. Settle down."
"Lately I get tired easily and sometimes I'm having a hard time breathing."
The doctor nods his head, writing the information down in the chart that he's holding.
"Are you gonna be in town for a few days? We need to run some tests and see what's going on. I know you live in the City now and I will contact your doctor so we could talk and I want you to know that we always check for the bank if there's a heart ready for you and I know there's a list of people waiting in line but we're doing what we can and hopefully soon we'll have a donor, but for the meantime, Michelle, you've got to take care of your heart."
"Get enough sleep, continue doing the exercises, yoga and pilates is great for breathing and it would help you meditate and lessen the stress. You can take a walk outside your place or do it on the treadmill, but do not overdo it. Do not drink any alcohol at all. You've got to rest more and do not miss out on taking your meds." the three of them nodded their heads.
"You hear the doctor Michelle, you better listen."
"And you, Mrs Dee, take it easy as well. I understand you are worried about your daughter's heart condition, but you also have to take care of yourself too and I am advising this not just for you, but also for your husband."
"Thank you." Michelle emphasises. "I hope she listens to you, Doc."
Their mother was about to argue something back to her daughter, but Maxine cuts her off.
"Alright, mummy, time to go. Thank you doctor, let's go mum, come on. Out we get." She hurried the two arguing mother and daughter, taking their mum's jacket and purse as Michelle opened the door where the three of them went out.
"Wow." The doctor leaned back in his chair as he watched the three women leave.
—
It was yet another day in the countryside and she's feeling better, she's still coughing and wheezing and having shortness of breath but she feels fine. But on the other matters of her heart, it feels like Anntonia is still haunting her and their memories together, because her grandma couldn't stop asking about her.
"Shit." her sister muttered under her breath while giving her sister a look. "Grandma, can we change the topic?"
"No, I'm curious to know about the woman that your sister likes."
"You're too old for that, grandma." Maxine jokes, but the old lady wouldn't budge.
Michelle looked down, just by thinking about her hurt. Remembering how happy she looked that night at the club hurt. She misses her and it hurts, it's the little things that she misses the most. She wonders what Ann's up to after work, that makes her sigh. So much for moving on and letting go.
"Do you want to take a bit of advice from an old woman, dear?"
"Whatever for? I don't need love advice, grandma."
"Yeah? Well, your mother says otherwise." Michelle's mouth opens to say something. She has Maxine to blame for this.
"Maxine told you, didn't she?"
The old woman threw her head in laughter. "Oh, dear, your sister and your mother don't need to say anything to me. I notice everything, remember? And other than you missing us, I just know that you wouldn't be home this time of year just to visit. If you have someone special, I bet your grandpa's ass that it would be us visiting you in the City and not the other way around. Although you've promised your mother that you really are going home."
Michelle pretended to act nonchalant. "Well, I don't need some love advice, grandma. There's nothing going on, really."
"If you say so, dear. But I'm happy that you are here. I'm glad that you're going to stay with us for a few weeks. Your mother and father have been so restless while all of their children aren't here, and one of them is very ill."
She's aware of that, her mum wouldn't be on her ass all the time if she didn't care.
"I know, grandma. I'm sorry it took me so long to go back home when this place was just a few hours away. It's just being here, I don't want to see you all get sad and see you suffer whenever it gets bad. I can't see the sad look in my parents' eyes, like they were losing me every day. They've been through a lot because of me."
"Whether you're here, or you're in different parts of the world, you cannot take away their worries. No matter what you do, your parents worry. You can never take that away, and being an adult is not an excuse. So, please, can we make a deal that when one of them calls you, make sure that you pick up your phone or you give them updates about what's going on with you?"
Michelle looped her arms around her grandmother and embraced her. "Okay, I promise and I also promise that I'm gonna visit more often."
"That sounds like a good deal to me, dear. Thank you."
—
She feels tired. Michelle could feel the pressure building in her lungs and in her chest with each passing minute. Still in her room getting ready for today's activity, the bartender coughed until she was reduced to nothing but a wheezing figure. She couldn't breathe, she could feel her chest constricting and it's becoming intense. She reached for her meds by her bedside table and took them.
"Michelle? We're leaving.." she heard her sister outside the door of her room.
Closing her eyes tightly, one hand resting on her chest, "Be down in a minute.." she yelled back, trying to steady her breathing. Her door opens as Maxine's head pops inside, looking around the room. Her older sister ran to where she was.
"Hey.." Maxine's voice trembled with worry. Michelle closed her eyes. "Michelle, you look a little under the weather, we can definitely stay home if you're not feeling well.
Shaking her head no, she didn't want to let her niece down. She was the one who suggested that they visit the park and everyone was ready to go.
"No, it's fine. I'm okay."
Her sister frowned. "Are you sure-"
"Yeah, really, Max, I'm fine. I already took my meds. It should start to kick in." She said, cutting her sister off, her voice raspy with exasperation. "I'll be down in a minute, I just need to use the washroom first."
Worry still etched on her sister's face, but she resigned and nodded her head, leaving her alone in the room.
The bartender slowly walked into her own bathroom and stood in front of the sink. Cold hands tightly gripped the edges of the vanity as she tried to steady her breathing once again. She turned on the faucet as cold water poured out. She washes her face, breathing in and out.
Michelle stared at her reflection in the mirror, she could see it, there staring back at her the changes that she tried not to pay attention to. "Just let me have this for now, let me be with my family for now." She told herself in front of the mirror, her eyes becoming blurry with tears.
The weather outside was great, it's sunny but you can still feel the cold breeze. The family had a picnic in the park. They brought lots of food that Michelle thinks would last them for a day or two. She wasn't feeling very well, and she had the choice of staying in bed and taking a much needed rest, but she remembered her niece who was looking forward to their trip in the park.
Though she's having a good time with her family, enjoying the meals that her mother and grandmother had prepared, her condition only got worse throughout the day. She was trying to act like everything was okay while she and Bella played. She's struggling to get any air, feeling like there's an invisible vice constricting on her chest, making her legs tremble whenever she tries to gasp for air.
"Wait, give auntie a second, Bella. Just needed to breathe." She told her niece, although the child barely understood what she was trying to say. Michelle was about to play with her niece by the pond again, but there was a shooting pain in her chest, this time it was a lot more painful than the one she was feeling earlier. She crouched onto the ground, breathing in and out, willing the throbbing to become less intense, but it's only getting awful.
"God..." she breathed, wincing. "Bella, listen to auntie." She stammered, "I want you to run to your mummy... and ask for water for me.. Hm? I'll wait for you here." She tapped the child's bottom, and Bella ran towards her mother.
Michelle tried inhaling and exhaling, but all she got was another coughing fit. She covered her mouth with her hand and her eyes widened when she saw a white-pink blood mucus. The short-haired woman looked up to see if Bella got to her mother.
Not sure if she could walk to where they were sitting earlier. She can see her dad and her sister were running towards her with sombre looks on their faces, she stood up but her knees buckled, another shooting pain hit her chest. Everything was becoming blurry even if she tried to shake her head to see her surroundings clearly, but it's not working.
"Can't breathe..." she rasped as becoming lightheaded as she stumbled onto the ground unconscious.
—
Michelle was trying her best to flutter her eyes open. It's too bright. Where is she? She could hear people speaking, though, somewhat familiar voices around her. Mum and dad, Abe and Maxine and an unfamiliar voice.
"Her heart's condition has got worse, Mr. and Mrs. Dee. Her medications and the surgeries she had didn't improve her condition. She's going to have a heart failure and our option is to find a heart donor as soon as possible, or I'm afraid we might lose her."
She feels exhausted, like a truck has run her over. Michelle could hear the beeping of a heart monitor and all she could see were white walls. She exhaled, of course she's in the hospital but for how long has she been here?
"Hello, dear," her dad greeted with tears in his eyes. "How are you feeling?"
"Tired." she mumbled.
She feels her mother's hand gripping hers. "Oh, my baby.. You scared us back there. I thought... I thought we're about to lose you."
"I'm okay, I'll be okay. Am I allowed to go home?" she said, closing her eyes. God, she wanted to go back to sleep.
Her brother smiled at his younger sister. "Not yet, kid. You just got here and they need to monitor you, so we're gonna be here until you feel better."
Am I still going to get better? She asks inwardly.
Michelle could see her sister standing far from them. "What is she doing standing so far from us?"
"She's a bit shaken up, dear. Maxine did CPR while we waited for the EMS to arrive."
"Can you tell her to come here?"
Maxine stands on her bedside, looking at the floor. "Maxine.." her sister looks up, eyes red from crying. "You saved my life yet again. Thank you."
Her sister's chin trembled. "I'm mad at you.." Michelle gives her a small smile. "Michelle, we had a pact. You promised you would tell us when you're not feeling fine."
Their patient clears her throat. "I'm sorry. I just want to spend time with you guys, and I don't want to make Bella sad."
Maxine let her tears fall down, "well, you're going to make her more sad if she will lose her favourite aunt."
Chuckling softly, "I'm the only aunt she has. And you?" her vision turned to her brother. "You need to go back for the album."
"I don't care about any albums and sales right now, what I care about is to be here with my younger sister. They're going to transfer you to a private room, if your condition gets a lot better, then I'll go back."
She hums. "m'kay." she trailed off, her eyes beginning to get droopy.
"Go to sleep, dear. We're still going to be here when you wake up."
Michelle closes her eyes, hopeful that she'd dream about the woman she loves.
—
Anntonia
I'm losing in my own game. Maybe this is what everyone that I have ever been with felt like when I was the one they were chasing out for. It hurts being on the end of a radio silence, being the one whose calls remained unanswered.
It should be easy, it's what I thought. I'd call her, tell her I'm in love with her too, I was just being stupid. Make up with her and just be with her, but that's not the case, now she is the one who's avoiding me. I've been in her place many times and every time, no one opens the door.
You see, having a broken heart sucks. It affects all the things that a person does; it feels like hell.
"Wow, you look shittier than the last time I've seen you." My brother jokes, but I couldn't even get myself to fake a smile. "When was the last time you showered? It reeks of alcohol here."
My hair's a mess and oily, I've been wearing the sweater that Michelle left in my apartment. It smells just like her and it comforts me, as if she's here hugging me. Oh, and there's a lot of booze too. I've been on a drinking spree for a couple of days now.
"Did you drink all of this?"
"What are you doing here? Where's Penny?"
My brother huffs. "I'm here to see if you're okay and your baby is fine. We went for a walk this morning, what happened? I thought you're going to talk to your girlfriend?"
I chuckle bitterly. "Ha! My girlfriend has been avoiding me. Karma really is a bitch, huh? I hate feeling this way, Chris."
"Did you go to the pub where she works and ask where she is?"
"I did. She's friends with the pub owner but the crew only know that she took a leave from work. I even tried asking the people who know her, the security guard she knows was at the front desk, but I got nothing."
"Go take a shower and try again, maybe this time she will be there and let you in. I've never seen you this miserable, not even when that asshole outed you. Don't lose hope, young padawan." He chuckles.
I glared at him. "Don't laugh, it's not funny."
He grumbled. "Take a shower, wear a nice dress, don't drive because you're still tipsy, knock on Michelle's door and don't leave until she opens it." I remain sitting on the carpeted floor, not moving.
My brother kicks the side of my thigh. "Move! Now!"
Groaning from the headache that's building up and a head rush that made me feel dizzy after standing too quickly, I begrudgingly walk my way into the washroom.
—
I'm right back where I stood here in Michelle's condo. Her cell phone is now turned off and I'm feeling hopeless.
"Hi, can I help you?" A gentle voice speaks as the clacking of her heels gets nearer and nearer towards the direction of where I'm standing.
My heart beats faster than it should as I study this person in front of me. She's not Michelle's sister, she isn't also the woman that she's with in the club. Did she find another woman?
"Uh... I-I'm looking for Michelle Dee. D-do you live here?" Having the courage to ask because I want to know who this woman is so I would know if I was already too late in telling Michelle about my feelings.
She has an angelic face, tall and her hair cascading down to her chest. "I don't live here. Are you a friend of Michelle's? I'm her brother's partner."
It feels as though a massive prick was taken out of my chest. "Michelle is not here, I'm sorry." This time, her expression changed into a sad one.
"Do you know where she went? I've been meaning to talk to her, but she's not answering her phone." The woman pauses from opening Michelle's door.
"Oh.." she nods her head like she understands. "I'm afraid she can't answer her phone right now. She and Maxine went home to visit their parents." There's more to it she's hesitant to tell me.
"I see, do you know when she's coming back?"
"That's the thing Ms?"
"Ann. You can call me Ann."
"Michelle is currently at the hospital right now." Something inside me churned. "She had another heart attack."
It's like I've been drenched in cold water, leaving me painfully breathless. Maybe this is the reason my heart has been beating erratically for a while now, when you feel so anxious about something and you do not know what it was. Heart attack.
Another heart attack.
"Hey.. are you alright?" She opens the door and helps me get inside. "Here, sit down. Let me get you some water."
My body trembles, my mind is all over the place. Come to think of it, why didn't I see it sooner? I'm trying to piece it all together, those times that I was with her.
"Here, drink up. I'm sorry if I just blurted it out on you. Abe is there and I'm actually on my way to see them. I just need to pack a few things, we stay here whenever we're in town."
"Is it okay if I come with you?" My voice breaks as my eyes become misty.
"Of course, I was told she's gonna be out of the ICU today. Do you have a car?"
"No, I left my car at home."
She gives me another kind smile. "It's okay, you can ride with me. Let me just get my stuff and, hey, I can see that Michelle is important to you and I'm glad that she finally has someone, we all just need to be strong for her."
—
Anntonia, for the life of her, couldn't imagine that she would face something this huge. Guilt squeezes at her chest and her brain as she leans into the adjacent wall outside Michelle's room.
Abe's partner pushes the door open, greeting everyone who's inside. Ann found the person she's been looking for lying on the bed, chest barely rising and falling. They all pause when they see another person outside, Michelle closes her eyes when she sees her standing there.
"Can you leave us alone for a while?" The bartender told her siblings.
They all nodded. "It's nice to see you, Ann." It is Maxine who greets her.
"Nice to see you too." She gave her a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes.
"We're just gonna be outside, Michelle."
—
Each breath that comes out from Michelle is shaky. She wore a blank expression, but the doctor knows she's hurting from the inside, she could tell from the way her eyes close, long lushes fluttering against her pale cheeks.
Anntonia stands there at the foot of her bed, just looking. Staring at the woman in front of her, she needs something to hold on to before she collapses about everything that's happening right now. "Hi." The moment the bartender mumbles that word, her voice hoarse, Anntonia's tears fall down.
"How are you feeling?"
"Still alive and barely breathing." She swallows hard, shrugging nonchalantly, as if the movement does not hurt her.
She wanted to lie down on her side and hold her close to her and never let go, but she needed to hear the answers to her questions first.
"How long?" Is all she could manage to ask.
Michelle breathes in deeper and slowly exhales.
"Have I had this or have I got left?"
The doctor bit her lower lip hard upon hearing her response. Not even bothering to wipe the tears away. "Either." She said, barely above a whisper, fighting a sob.
"Since I was younger, and I don't know how much time I've got left."
"Am I the only one who didn't know about this?"
A nod.
The doctor balled her hand into a fist, clenching it hard. "Do you ever plan on telling me?"
"Would it change anything?"
Anntonia couldn't fight it anymore, so she let herself break down in front of the woman she just fell in love with and Michelle hates it. This is what she fears about, to see the pain in her eyes caused by her, the look of agony visible on her beautiful face, and if she could describe how the world of the woman she loves crumble down, and if a heart crashing into pieces, splitting her heart in two has a sound; it's the sound of Ann's whimpers.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She asks, as her dark and stormy eyes gaze back at Michelle. "You have all the chances to tell me."
"I couldn't. Because I would've lost you the moment you find out that I'm sick, you would've backed away from me or worse case scenario, you'll be forced to stay because you'd feel sorry for me."
This time, Ann feels like lashing out. "You've decided that for both of us. When in fact, that decision is something that I should be the judge on. So why, Michelle?"
"Because this will change everything between us. I didn't know that I'm going to fall in love with you, all I wanted was something casual, something fun, but then I met you and it changed everything. I love you and I was trying to save you from the pain that this will cause."
"Do you really?"
Two thick eyebrows quirk upwards. "Love me. Do you really love me? Because if you really do, you won't hurt me this way. You won't destroy me like this. You're a coward, and here I thought that you're laying it all out for me, that you're willing to love a broken person like me, but what about me? I'm about to love a person who's been lying to me this whole time. Do you plan on being with me, make me fall in love with you without telling me that in any minute or any day I could lose you? Is that what you call love? Is that what you call protecting me from getting hurt?"
"You know what, Michelle? Maybe it's not love. Because love is never selfish, how do you think it would make me when, God forbid, I just found out that you're gone?"
"I thought you didn't love me. Because you said you can't love me and we can't be together, so I didn't bother. 'Cause if I told you while everything around us was falling apart, then what choice am I going to give you? It would seem like I'm using this goddamn heart failure to make you stay, and that isn't fair to you."
Michelle smiles at her sadly. "You see, I was trying to win you back because I thought, though I'm not sure how long, I thought I've got enough more time, but turns out I was wrong and it's good that you turned me down, then you wouldn't have to suffer. And now that it's out in the open, I want you to continue living your life. After you leave this room, I want you to not look back. You deserve someone better, maybe that person you're with at the club is someone who will make you happy. You have no idea how I wish it should just be me, but it's too late."
She could barely breathe.
Anntonia sighs, this is too much. "I've told you how important it is for me to give my trust to people. I can cope with the truth if you could give me a piece of your trust. But not only did you lie to me, you also don't love me enough to trust that I won't turn my back on you the moment you tell me what you're going through. You are a cruel person, if this is your way of protecting me, then why is this hurting me so much, it's making me crazy."
The doctor waits if Michelle would still have something to say, but she remains quiet. They mirror each other crying, but she can't be here right now, so without saying goodbye, she needed a moment to process everything, a moment to take it all in, a moment to catch her breath, Ann walks out of the room with a heavy and broken heart.