Adeline's Ροv
It's exhausting laying in a room all day.
And what's more frustrating is that everyone has a piece of advice to give me.
They all want me to miraculously sort out my insecurities in a single day.
But they don't understand what it's like to be me. They don't consider everything I'm going through. They always look for solutions but they never sympathize with me.
I don't want anyone to pity me but they can atleast make me feel heard.
There's another knock at my door which brings me out of my thoughts. It's the hundredth time I'm being bothered today. I swear it's only spoiling my mood further and doing no good.
Why can't they just leave me alone?
I'll come out when I want to.
“Come in.” I say with distaste.
The door opens and Cyrus walks in with a tray of food in his hands. I see him and turn my head sideways to avoid looking at him.
I want to visually represent that I don't appreciate his presence so when I sit up and rest my back against the headboard, I decide to fold my arms and hold my head up.
“Am I disturbing you?” He asks softly.
I feel so guilty when he does that. Why can't he fight when I want him to? He always has the worst time to bring up the forbidden topics.
“No.” I correct my tone to match his.
He sets down the tray on my bedside table. There's two sandwiches, juice and dry fruits in it. Each of them makes me wanna throw up.
“I heard you only ate half of your breakfast?”
He knows I've developed a strong dislike for everyone telling me what to do. I don't like interference in my diet or my inability to voice my truth. But he's still talking about it.
“I wasn't hungry.” I replied briefly.
“You haven't had lunch either. Can you please eat atleast one of the sandwiches?”
“I don't want to. If I'm hungry I'll get something myself. I'm more than capable of it.”
I lifted my head to look at him when he came towards me. He didn't say anything and I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. After waiting a split second, he tipped his chin at the spot next to me.
I scowled but moved a little, making space for him to sit down with me. I don't know why he wants to act like everything's okay between us.
He made himself comfortable on my bed and even took the corner of my blanket to cover himself as I had turned on the AC to calm down my conflicting head.
“Alright, it's your choice to eat as much as you want. You know what's better for your kids.” He states and face falls at the words.
I don't want my babies to suffer because I can't keep my mood in check. But that's exactly what happens each time. I always end up stressing them out.
“Why aren't you getting ready? Don't you have to leave for your class in…” He checked his watch. “Thirty minutes.”
It was Monday today. Since my meeting with Reign on Saturday, I've locked myself up in my room. And none of my family members are happy about it —especially because my appetite has been cut down by half.
“Cancel my enrollment. I don't wanna go anymore.”
I turn to look straight ahead and ignore the man sitting beside me. I don't want to engage in any conversation that will make me feel more horrible than I already am.
“Because…?”
“You know why.” I grumble.
“He said he won't tell anyone.”
“I know.” I whisper.
I know Lucius called him and he promised that he has no intentions of making my secret public. But that's not my concern.
“Then?”
“I just don't feel like going anywhere. I want to stay in my room. Can't I just peacefully do what I want?” I say with an edge to my voice.
“It doesn't matter what he knows, Addy. If you don't wish to talk to him, just ignore him. But abandoning what you like just because he'll be there is not the right approach.”
I turn to look at him again. “That's not even the problem. The problem isn’t that he’ll be there and he'll judge me.” Cyrus never understands what I feel. There's a huge communication gap between us. “The problem is he won't be there.”
He opened his mouth and shut it back up, being clueless of what to say. “Isn't that what you wanted? You wanted him to leave you alone.”
“But-” I pause hearing his words.
“He can't just leave like that.” I slump my back against the headrest again.
“You didn't go to the workshop for him. Why does it matter if he won't be there?”
“Because he left. I hurt him so he hates me now. I never wanted him to hate me. If he had to find a reason to leave me I would’ve appreciated him picking something that was my flaw. But my pregnancy isn't my fault. I had no say in it.”
He shook his head. “I don't think he left because he saw your pregnancy as a flaw. He left because he realized your reasoning behind not wanting to be in a relationship was valid. It's great that it finally got to him that he shouldn’t have bothered you in the first place.”
“But I don't like it.”
“Do you want him to come back in your life?”
I was confused about the answer so I pretended I didn't hear his question. “You know he’s such a great stalker, he knows I don't have any friends. Why can't we just be friends? Why do I have to be in a relationship with him to value me?”
A silence fell between us. I wasn't in the mood to talk anymore. But after waiting a few heartbeats he initiated again.
“Can I ask you something?” I hummed waiting for him to throw another uncomfortable question at me. “If you ever saw a pregnant teenager, what would you assume about her?”
I know where this is going. This conversation is going to end with him telling me how I shouldn't care about anyone else's opinion of me. But I have already had enough.
“We're not doing this right now.” I state with finality.
“Come on, Addy. It's just a simple question.” He urged, nudging me with his elbow.
Because he was being nice, I decided to answer him. “I will assume she had a boyfriend and they… made a mistake.”
“Right. And you would never want to be friends with a girl like that. Am I correct?”
My head snaps towards him. “What do you mean by a girl like that?”
I was offended that my own brother would categorize women's worth based on their relationships. He can't know for sure what's going on behind the scenes. He can't judge anyone for their life choices.
“You know she had a sexual relationship with her boyfriend.” He offered such a bizarre explanation as an answer.
“You can't judge her for a poor choice.” I was baffled by his words. “It's her life, she can do whatever she wants, you have no right to comment. And you shouldn't assume anything about her, who knows how hurt she is and what she went through.”
He looks at me and smiles all of a sudden. “The same applies to anyone who's judging you, my love.”
Despite knowing what he was here to say, I still fell right into his trap.
I was speechless so I stayed silent, trying to make sense of his words and my feelings. Lately I've been having a horrible time deciphering both of them.
“Not everyone has to know you're a victim. So they're gonna assume that you are guilty of doing something you shouldn't have-”
“That's what I've been trying to tell you. They're gonna think I like doing that and I went behind my mother's back to… and they'll think I'm a dumb problematic teen who got pregnant.”
I was glad I could finally explain this. For a moment I was scared he was gonna win again, I didn't even have Lucius right now to get me out of this competition.
“That's exactly what they're gonna think.” He shrugs.
The more I look at him the more frustrated I get. I know what everyone will think but he doesn't have to rub it in my face. Why can't he just say something like “everything's gonna be fine”?
“It’s the truth.” He said softly. “I know you hate the judgment and assumptions but it's part of life. No matter what you do, it's gonna be there. Even if you're feeding the hungry or doing charities for the poor, everyone will always try to find your motive behind it. It's how life is.”
I patiently hear what he has to say without interrupting him. Somewhere in my mind, his words have started to make sense a while ago but I have shut down that part of me to embrace the self-preservation instincts.
Hiding is always safer than standing in front of a crowd.
“I have no right to pressure you into accepting your truth —and I know I've been doing that a lot lately— but I want you to atleast take one step at a time.” He looks directly into my eyes showing how genuine his words are.
“I'm proud of you for everything you've done yet, from joining the workshop to going out to shop at the maternity store. It's all great but you shouldn't take a step back when you've done so much. And quitting the workshop is a step back. Reign shouldn't be a hurdle in your journey. He isn't that important. It's your life and you have the handle to strive it in whatever direction you want.”
I gulp the discomfort. “I want to… I want to do better. I want to be more confident. I want to accept my babies in front of the world before everyone will inevitably know about them but it's just… it feels so overwhelming. Almost scary.” I whisper the last two words.
He holds my hand with both of his. “I know it's scary. And I know you don't believe you can do it. But you know what? Just this decision —to give birth to your babies— shows how strong you are. Not everyone can do what you are. It's not easy. But you are doing it. And that's so powerful.”
I think about his words and it's like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I always treated my pregnancy as something to be judged about but I never thought I was so strong to choose to go through something I know will be painful for me.
“What should I do then?” I mumbled, hoping he would help me out.
He smiles at my willingness to try. “Let’s start with doing what you want to do? You'll go to the workshop everyday and do it because you want to. Not for me. Not for Reign. But for yourself.”
“And everything will be okay?”
I was behaving like a child who needs an adult to monitor his every step. But I really needed to be shown the path I have to walk on.
“No. Everything won't be okay right away. You'll feel down some days, you might have to push yourself out of your comfort zone so many times but it's gonna be okay. We will all be there with you through all of it. You won't be alone.”
“But you have to stop fighting with me and try to understand things from my point of view.”
“We were always on the same team, Adeline. But if you still want my word then sure. I won't fight with you and I'll try to be more understanding in the future.”
“And you won't tell me what to do- you can advise me but orders spoil my mood.” I bite my lip feeling weird setting terms of our relationship.
“Okay, I won't order you.” He chuckles. “And for the record, I'm the fun brother among the oldest four.”
“One last thing… you won't make me feel guilty about not doing the best for my kids.” I mumble.
“I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel that way. It won't happen again.”
“Promise?” I ask, holding up my pinky.
He smiles looking at my finger and wraps his own around it. “Promise.”
“I should get ready then. I only have,” I check the clock. “Fifteen minutes. Oh my God!”
I get up from the bed but immediately sit back down when I feel lightheaded. My hand instinctively goes to my stomach as Cyrus wraps his fingers around my arm.
“Easy. Don't rush.”
“Sorry.” I get up carefully this time but stop and turn back to him, drawing him in a hug. “Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
“I'm always here for you, love.” He mumbled and kissed my hair.
I then rushed to the closet to get ready and yet again picked a baggie outfit. Cyrus said one step at a time and today's step is to get out of my home, I don't need to pressure myself more than that.
After getting ready, I nearly run to the parking where Cyrus is already waiting for me. We get into his car and he starts driving with a few cars following behind us for security.
I try to eat the sandwiches he packed for me but I could only finish one until I felt horribly sick to my stomach so I packed up the rest of my lunch.
We both sat in silence until I decided to ask the question that's been bugging me this whole time.
“What about Reign?” I ask quietly.
His face scrunched up at my words. “What about him?”
“He won't be there.” I provide as an explanation.
He takes a moment to gather his thoughts about the subject and finally speaks. “Can I ask you a yes or no question?” I hummed. “Do you want to be friends with him?”
I consider Cyrus' reaction. He’s been calm when Marcus called and even when he found out I was pregnant. I don't think telling him something slightly controversial would be a big deal.
And I really need to look past judgments.
“It doesn't seem like a horrible idea.”
He nods and wets his lips like he's out of words. I wait for him to continue the conversation but when he doesn't I initiate.
“Do you think I should be friends with him?”
“It's entirely your choice, Addy. Reign is too much drama but if you think you can handle him then it's okay. He's polite to you.”
“But what if he doesn't come back? He promised he won't bother me.”
“You can always call him if you want to talk to him.” But that will only complicate things and make it difficult for him to move on.
Cyrus must've seen the unpleasant expressions on my face because he felt the need to add. “He had the whole weekend to get himself together. He's stubborn, he'll be there.”
He wasn't.
Not on Monday. Or the next day. The whole week passed with me watching each student come in until the very last one and none of them was Reign Astor.
I kept waiting. But he forgot me.
My fingers reached for his number multiple times but I knew it was wrong. I couldn't give him what he wanted so I shouldn't give him a hope either.
He didn't come to see me but who did was someone I never expected to step foot in my home. It was the mistake of his life. Jordan should’ve known better than to meet me in front of my whole life.
It wasn't my fault. He dug his own grave.