I didn't feel like going home anymore. Before this trip I hadn't wanted to come, I cried on the morning I had to leave.
But now after five days being here with Fox on my side and starting to get along with August, home wasn't a very tempting choice. I didn't want to go back to normal school again and see Dahlia- or Leo. Or Abby. None of my old friends. Or go back to fainting in my staircase, to skip dinners and lie.
But the plane took off, not caring about my worries and hesitation.
The already familiar ringing noise rung in my ears annoyingly, hurting from the rising.
"This helps to open your ears." Fox hands me two pieces of my favourite cotton candy flavoured gum.
I chew it, innerly crying about the pain in my ears, but soon it eases.
"I'll never get used to flights." I sigh.
"Try to enjoy the views." Fox suggests and points at all the miniature houses down below. "Isn't that cool?"
"So you actually enjoy this?" I ask, glancing at the view but not feeling impressed.
"Sure." He shrugs off.
"Wanna switch seats? I don't mind."
"No thanks, you should at least try to find this amusing." Fox flashes me a smile.
"I will try." I say and look below at the German houses and countryside, remembering the bridge and Eleanor, and all the fun towns me and Fox had explored after the kidnap attempt. It's funny how something so traumatic can lead to something so sweet.
After all, I kind of fell in love with this country. And maybe a bit for the boy next to me.
I press my head against his shoulder, happy to finally, after four long months, do this simple thing with no worries or hesitation. Life was finally rolling on its right tracks, everything felt too good to be true. That was the only thing that worried me.
***
Mom is outside the airport waiting for me, and to my surprise Elijah came too. Even when we just had a fight before I left over something stupid like math questions and he swore he'd never talk to me again. Brothers.
I wave at them, heart still warming because family is a family, no matter what we've been through. But I was lucky that my family was like that.
While Elijah waves back at me smiling, I ask Fox "Are your parents coming? Or Tod?"
He shakes his head and I can see in his eyes deep hurt. He doesn't show it, but it's in there.
"I'm sorry, could you come hang around at my place? I'm sure mom won't mind." I ask, feeling hesitant to let Fox alone in that house. Even if mom would mind.
"Liv, I'm alright. You don't have to worry." He says and surprises me with a gentle kiss on my cheek. I don't even dare to see mom's reaction, or Elijah's.
"I'll still worry. I just can't handle the fact that you could get hurt, that's not right for you." I say looking deep into his eyes.
"We already talked this through, go have fun with your family. Please. I'll be okay." Fox strokes my cheek gently.
"Promise to call me straight away if your parents try to hurt you. Promise." I can't hold him back from his home, I know that, but it still feels wrong to let him go.
"But neither has a phone? Forgot already?" He smirks and I remember. Fuck, mom was going to kill me for that.
"Oh. Well, I don't know. I'll figure something out for us. But seriously come straight to my house if anything happens. Even slightly, at any point of the night or day. I don't care, just don't get hurt."
"Alright alright. Deal." He says and strokes my cheek one more time before turning to the taxi waiting for him. "My taxi's here."
"Fox, stay safe. See you on Monday." I rise to my toes to give him a kiss, this was all new to me but it got easier over time.
He answers my kiss passionately and for a brief moment everything around me blurs. In a good way. It's just us, here, right now, just our lips colliding perfectly.
But the taxi honks impatiently and forces us to pull apart. Maybe it was good since mom was probably already having a heart attack.
"Bye." Fox says smiling, with dimples. I wave at him as he climbs to the vehicle, before hesitantly turning to my family.
Mom was definitely having a heart attack right now. And Elijah didn't look much better.
"Hey." I start, embarrassed to death.
"What the fuck was that?" Elijah asks, mouth open from shock. At the moment I really didn't feel like a good sister.
"That was a kiss Elijah." I mock him teasingly, but he only laughs at that.
"Who taught you to curse?" Mom asks frowning.
It was me, shit. I give a pleading look towards my brother and thank goodness he's not in a snitch mood today.
"My friends?" He lies and mom finally turns her head towards me.
"Young lady, mind telling me who that was? And what was that kiss about?"
"Uh, it was Fox. He's-" I am cut off by Elijah's laughing.
"Fox?" He continues to laugh.
"His brother's name is Tod, which means fox too." I say and he laughs even harder.
"No way-" he says but mom gets upset.
"Stop with the joking, why the heck were you kissing?"
"Well, we apparently like each others?" I say sarcastically.
"And you didn't mind telling me you had a boyfriend?" Mom asks looking disappointed.
"We've been together for two days, not a big deal." I say, lying to her. This was indeed a huge deal for me.
But just then a familiar wave of dizziness passes through me, and my ears start to ring. Fuck. I curse my purging today morning, I should've just kept the food in.
"You should've called me." Mom keeps nagging, but it sounds like several meters away.
"Whatever, can we go?" I ask, not caring if I sound rude or not. I just didn't want to faint here, not in front of them. How embarrassing would that be.
"Have you eaten anything?" Elijah asks suddenly and my heart makes a sudden stop for a second.
"Huh? Of course, why?" I ask, trying to shrug off his question.
"You look-" he's cut off by mom nudging him.
"Let's go. We made you a cake to celebrate the coming home." Mom announces, but it sounds hypocritical.
I can not eat a fucking cake. I'd seriously rather kill myself than eat 600 calories by something so small and unhealthy. Wasted calories, one piece was more than my daily intake. Even if most days I ate zero calories.
"That's nice." I just mutter, not wanting to worry them.
But they're silent for some reason. "Let's go!" I quickly rush them to the car, so they'd have no time to worry about my fake response.
"Alright." Mom says and hops to drive.
***
There is a chocolate cake on the counter. Huge, way too big, chocolaty and creamy cake. I have not seen a cake or went near one in months. It's decorated with kinder bars and melted chocolate and heavy cream on top to make it even extra caloric.
By looking at it across the kitchen, I already feel uneasy and the urge to bend over my toilet. It makes almost shake with fear. I could not eat that, not ruin it all.
I know that if I take a single bite from that terrifying hell made creature, I can't stop my urges anymore. I would gain weight. I'd lose it all, lose myself, lose all my progress, and all my hard work. By something so innocent looking.
"Come on, you should cut the cake." Mom ushers me towards that thing.
"Of course." I lie and hesitantly make a fake smile.
"Well...?" Mom asks, and I see a glimpse of concern in her gaze as she tries to get me to eat. She knows something.
I cut a piece out of the cake, trying my best to not let her see how shaky my hands had gotten.
They think I don't understand their burning gazes. But I don't want to eat it, not even if that'd make them feel better.
Nothing is as important as my body.
"Can I eat this in my room please?" I ask.
Mom sighs, the concern taking all of her ice blue eyes. "No. Not anymore, I've let this happen way too long."
"Mom?" I ask horrified as I see tears prickling in her eyes.
"Eat it. Now." She demands.
"What-" I start.
"It won't make you fat! It's one piece of cake god dammit. You've starved yourself, right?" Mom asks, hurt stinging in her voice.
"I-"
"Don't deny it!" I have never heard her fully yell before, and Elijah looks startled too.
"Okay. I'm sorry." I manage to get out, holding my tears strictly in place.
"I don't want to hear your apologies, I want you to eat."
I hate the word eat.
"I'll eat it in my room." I tell the floor, not being able to lie to her face.
"No. Sit down. I won't let you go until every bite is finished. I am sick of this." She says angrily, but I know she is just worried.
But if she thought that would help me, she is delusional.
Still, I sit down. And stare at the cake. That damn mother fucker. Making me gain weight.
"You're not fat, I don't understand why you're doing this?" Elijah whispers.
"I'm not doing anything! I'm okay." I lie.
Because what Elijah said wasn't true, I was fat. I felt too fat. I wasn't skinny enough. Not yet. But just until 90lbs, then I'd finally be enough.
But even I knew that that was bullshit. I'd never be thin enough.
"Eat." Mom hisses.
I look at her pleadingly, but she doesn't budge. I feel like I don't have a choice, so hesitantly and hating myself, I take a bite, bringing the food to my lips and then to my mouth. I chew it, fifteen times before swallowing the dirty piece.
It hurts. Everywhere. The stupid cake ruined everything, my dreams, all I had. But I take another bite.
And another, and then I realise how hungry I really was. For four days, I hadn't eaten any food. Now it was very much catching up to me.
"You like it? I made it myself." Elijah nervously asks, but I nearly don't hear it from my euphoria.
All I want to do is eat, and eat more, and eat until all my pain is gone and I finally feel satisfied.
"It's really good." I mutter, stuffing myself with the Nutella and bueno bar cake.
"Thank you." He smiles, but I do not care. All I care was how good this shit was.
Before I even realise, my whole piece is swallowed down. In the back of my head, I feel like going crazy from all the calories, but in this exact moment, I do not care about it. I was still hungry, really hungry.
"Can I get another piece?" I ask, gazing at the cake as if it was my saviour.
"Of course!" Mom smiles and cuts me a huge piece.
"Thank you." My heart bumps an extra beat looking at the piece but I shrug it off.
I don't care anymore, gosh it tastes so good. Heavenly, and delicious and like a sweet sin. I nearly inhale my piece, binging the whole thing in less than a minute.
"Feeling better?" Mom asks after I finish, but I don't really finish. The binge was way too powerful for me to just finish eating when I was full. No, I wasn't going to stop until I throw up from too much food.
"A lot. I just forgot to eat I think." I smile, begging for them to believe me, leave me alone in the kitchen and eat some more.
Fuck the weight lose, fuck calories. I don't care, not now.
"Alright. Well, good to hear." She says and motions Elijah to follow her out of the room.
They probably were talking what the hell was wrong with me, first I refuse to eat and then eat as I were an animal. Even I didn't know what was wrong with me.
But I don't think about that, only find my way to the fridge and pull out leftover pizza, cookie dough, whipped cream, and an apple pie. Mom loves to bake, even though I barely eat it. Then I grab four cookies from the counter and stuff all the food into my backpack to hide them.
"I'm going to study now." I inform to the living room for them.
"Alright, I'll begin to make dinner soon." Mom announces.
"Great, hopefully something good!" I say and jump my way back upstairs to my room. The stairs didn't feel too bad now that my energy levels were suddenly full again.
At first it felt weird being full on energy. Odd.
But I hardly think about that as I open my backpack and pull out all the food to my floor. I waste no second, but begin to binge it all.
Pizza had never tasted this good, the four slices of it weren't enough for me. Pepperoni and loads of cheese and bacon were melting in my mouth- or maybe it was just the bottled-up hunger in my gut.
Whatever. I move to the slices of apple pie with tons of added whip cream. Melts in my mouth too, I just want more.
And I eat even more, stuffing all of the cookies in my mouth hungrily.
The dinner doesn't feel scary anymore, more like a reward and dream. How good it finally felt to eat, after so long starvation.
I want to eat more, and I will. A lot more.
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