CHAPTER FOUR
all eyes on us
i couldn't sleep that night. all i did was squirm around in my bed like i was struggling to escape the blanket's grip, and for hours on end. i attempted many tactics: of course daydreaming, then when that didn't work, deep breathing, playing rain sounds, and i even started to count sheep. something was nagging at my subconscious mind, gluing my eyes open and taping the light switch in my brain on.
i knew on some level it was about the... unique day i had just experienced. walker hadn't left my thoughts. i kept repeating our conversations over and over. i wanted to stop, but my mind wouldn't let me. it was almost like it needed to memorize each and every word before it would let me sleep.
it probably took around two hours for me to finally get some shut-eye. and when i opened my eyes to my alarm screaming at me, the only motivation i had to go to school was the fact that i had a cute outfit picked out. i dragged myself out of bed and struggled to walk to the bathroom with the small amount of hours i got.
once i was all set, i shut off my "getting ready for school" playlist, which was basically all metal rock that would make me feel both awake and like i'm in one of those movie montages where the main character is having a glow up, and headed into my parents room. my dad was always in an alarmingly deep sleep where he wouldn't even wake up if the whole roof caved in on him. so it was always up to my mom to drive me to school.
"i cannot wait until you get your driver's license. getting up at seven every day is rough," said mom as she turned into the school's campus.
"i know what you mean..." my voice trailed off. as more of the main building was revealed, so was more and more of the bustling crowd of paparazzi in front of it. "oh my."
"what's going on here?" my mom made an impromptu decision to make a sharp turn left to the back parking lot, where there were usually more spots, because there was no way she could have found one if she stayed there.
"it's a long story," i told her with equivocation.
"well that explains it." she rolled her eyes. "what, was there another kid with the singing voice of a mountain goat that went viral?"
"no! have you heard about the child actor that moved back here?"
"i haven't! that's quite the story."
"yea. i sit next to him in chem. he's actually really nice."
she pulled into an open spot, which was actually pretty hard to come across. i guess everyone had the same idea as us. "why would he be going here," mom questioned me.
"i've been wondering that myself." i looked at the clock. twenty minutes until i was forced to hear mrs fennel's raucous voice. turning to my mom, i said, "alright. love you," and let myself out of the car.
as i approached the back entrance to the school, i slipped in one of my airpods. i pressed play on my getting ready playlist, just because i never got to finish listening to my favorite van halen songs. "baby, how you been? you say you don't know. you won't know until you begin," i whisper-sang along to myself.
"whatcha listening to," asked someone behind me.
i jumped. "walker, stop sneaking up on me," i said playfully, removing the airpod.
"you really think i would go in through the front entrance? it's like a mob over there."
"yeah, and i don't know how long it's going to be until they go away. they're so annoying."
"exactly." he opened the door for me with a chivalrous gesture.
"thanks, walker," i said, walking inside. i half expected there to be more paparazzi in there. but it wasn't much different, level of attention wise. chatter erupted in my ears as soon as we entered, people pointing and eyes darting. it was very overwhelming. and for the first time, i actually would have preferred to be in mrs fennel's class.
we speed-walked to the staircases, where there were much less students, but in no way did i gain any sense of security. the wound from the daggers that were the people's stares hadn't healed yet.
"i'm sorry, y/n," said walker as we neared the classroom. we were both out of breath from running up the stairs, so his words were almost inaudible.
i panted, "what?" as i sat down against my bookbag for support. the coast was clear for now.
"i said i'm sorry... for that," he clarified. "really."
"well, it's okay... really."
we gave each other smiles of reassurance. it's not like it's his fault, right? that was arguable. but i wasn't just going to blame him for everyone's obsession with him. i mean, i can't even blame them. like, he's pretty likable...
"y/n?" i blinked myself out of my thoughts. walker was holding his hand out to me, offering to help me up from the floor. i took the offer, chuckling from embarrassment. i tend to get lost in thought quite often, and let's just say i don't look very present.
"right. let's go to class."
˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
"i've been so stupid! all along you've been right in front of my eyes."
"you're not stupid, caleb. we're both just young and learning how to live." rain pours down on our heads, the threat of a thunderstorm looming in the foggy air. we got caught up in our conversation that night. and if it wasn't raining so hard, i could have seen caleb's tears. "listen to me, no one expects anything of us."
"why couldn't i have seen that," he cried. "why, y/n?"
y/n? it's aurora.
"y/n?"
i looked around, the raindrops on my eyelashes blurring my vision. caleb, this isn't your line.
"y/n! earth to y/n!"
and just like that, i was back in mrs fennel's. "i... what?"
"are you good?" walker tilted his head at me.
"i wasn't, ya know... talking, right?" i asked. this had happened once or twice, where i get so lost in my imagination that i start acting it out in real life. it's incredibly humiliating.
"no...," he said, almost like a question. "actually, quite the opposite. you look like you're in a different dimension." walker tried to suppress a grin, but failed.
"yeah, i got like two seconds of sleep last night," i muttered. mrs fennel sat up. a weight lifted off my chest -- class hadn't started until now.
"i'm curious," he attempted to speak to me quickly and lowly before the teacher's terrible voice took over, "what were you thinking about?"
"oh, just--"
"everyone, take out a pencil. i hope you didn't forget about the quiz today," croaked fennel.
i took a deep breath. i had studied, sure. but i didn't know if i could focus, because i had been thinking about a scene from howl at the sun like usual... with caleb cast as walker. it kind of just came naturally to me, i think it's a perfect fit.
walker gave me a wide-eyed look that told me, "i'm going to fail. help me."
i, in turn, gave him a glance that translated to, "me too," and flashed a pair of crossed fingers. he would probably think that was just because i got such little sleep, not because i was just sent into an existential crisis over how ideal he was for this role, and how it probably wouldn't be happening anytime soon. it made me so eager to film. but of course, much to my dislike, good things come with time.
fennel's coarse fingers placed down the packets in front of us. two pages, okay. i can deal with that. i think.
˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
it was double period chemistry that day. mrs fennel works quickly with those bubble sheets. grades were given back by the middle of the next period. i set aside the other worksheet she gave us as she came around with the numbers on the two page packet. "i got a 92!"
"i got a 70," walker scoffed. "damn, we need to study together next time."
"you flatter me," i admitted vivaciously. getting a good grade always livened me, especially when it was from a teacher i despise. i don't know what it is about it that makes me feel like i was proving something to them. i am academic validation's number one victim.
poor walker looked awfully disappointed. "i guess i can't act like i'm good at chemistry."
"it's only one grade," i tried to console him with. "plus, you weren't even here for the unit. don't beat yourself up."
"well, the onset tutor" -- i leaned in closer, intrigued at the possibility of him telling me anything about why he was here -- "wasn't really good, either." that wasn't very revealing.
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thank you for reading chapter 4!