The guys dropped me off at my house, and by that I mean they walked past my house and I said goodbye to them as I set my bike off to the side and went inside completely defeated and at a loss for words.
The day started decently, sitting in bed contemplating everything that was to come, then I went out and had a decent time with the guys but that was quickly cut short when Yeonjun had an explosive episode or something like that and then we all went home in an upset frenzy.
"Beomgyu, you're back early." Hiah was sitting on the couch in the living room watching the television. The house, other than the sound of the television, was eerily quiet. I hated silence more and more those days.
Hiah and I had a complicated relationship. The bickering between us never really died down from being young, but whenever something was wrong, we knew almost immediately. We also helped each other when things were genuinely bothering us.
My clothes were still wet, the rain outside had died down to a sprinkle, but even if the sun was shining as bright as it was this morning, my clothes still would've needed to dry over a few days.
"Is something wrong?" Her tone changed a bit as she sat up more, as if she was inviting me over to sit with her. With all my heart, I nodded and stumbled forward to sit with her.
As I sat myself down next to her, my head felt heavy as it dropped forward. My forearms rested on my knees as my head hung lower than ever before. My hair was still damp.
"So, what happened?" She leaned forward a bit to see my face up close.
I didn't know where to start. It's not like I could tell her about the weird relationship I had with Yeonjun, right? I mean, I didn't know what Hiah thought of being gay. But was I even gay?
"We went to the mall. I got overwhelmed. I ran off. Taehyun talked to me. Yeonjun took it the wrong way and started blaming me. Then they left. I found them after I'd begun my way home."
"Why did he take it the wrong way? Blaming you for what?"
All I did was shrug as I felt the tears coming back for no reason. I cried enough for the next month. I didn't need any more tears to fall.
"He said I was trying to turn everyone against each other. Taehyun was talking to me about how he'd been doing since I know," I sighed, "he's depressed and all that and I'm the only one who knows. I'm the only one who knows about all their separate issues and I guess when I talk to them in private he gets all mad because he thinks I'm trying to turn them against each other." It was all kind of spilling out of me quicker than I was hoping for.
I couldn't process what I was saying, so how could she?
"It sounds like he's just insecure."
"He is!" I shouted as I finally sat up and quickly began to wipe the tears from my eyes as they formed in larger waves. I knew things were getting bad. I'd never been this way. Yeonjun was right though. Knowing these guys could make me this sad means I know they could make me just that much happier.
But I didn't see him, or any of them, there to hug me when I was sad.
Just then, Hiah wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in tightly against her. A hug from a sibling with a relationship like that is just so weird. But she only ever hugged me when important life events happened. When our dad died, the way she held me in her arms, it will never slip my mind.
It made me wonder where our mom was, but I wasn't going to ask. I just kept trying to gently wipe away any tears falling from my eyes as I let my sister hold me.
"You're soaked."
"I know." My lip was quivering a bit. I bit it to help myself calm down slightly. Why was I getting so worked up over this? They were just some friends. My best friends, sure, but Yeonjun was just being salty because he was jealous that the guys liked me and I was giving them attention but not him. That had to be it.
He was mad that I was ignoring him so he was taking it all out on me and my relationship with the other guys. He was so childish. I had to make up with him, I knew that much, but did I want to? Did I want to make up with him? Because if I did I knew something more had to happen.
"You know, mom is coming home soon." Her one hand was still wrapped around me, holding me closer to her, and her other hand was gently brushing through my knotted and tangled hair, "You need a haircut too."
"No, no." I replied, thinking about my hair getting cut was just as bad as dying. My hair meant so much to me, and I took great care of it, it was just the rain and the mess I'd made of myself.
I could practically hear her roll her eyes, "You really do though. Keep the wolf cut, just get a trim is all I'm saying."
That made much more sense. Maybe a trim was needed, long overdue, even. I gently nodded as my head rested on her shoulder. It really felt like we were kids all over again. Being a kid again, in my sister's arms, it made me realize the one thing I missed when I was a kid.
I missed the living part of being a kid.
"I can give you a trim tonight if you want." Beomgyu had always been the one to cut my hair, and she was incredibly good at it too. Our mom and I kept telling her to become a hair stylist since she loved it so much but she never thought it'd pay well. That's why she still lives at home. But if I had a say, Hiah would never be allowed to move out.
"That would be nice."
Just as I finished my sentence, the front door unlocked and it swung open as my mother stepped inside. As soon as she saw me, cheeks and eyes red and puffy, eyes full of tears as I rested in my sister's arms, soaking wet, she slammed the door shut and ran over to me, "Beomgyu? What's wrong?"
Hiah started whispering to our mom, probably informing her about what I'd told her, but I was too busy trying not to break down. Having my mom and sister see me be so broken down and shattered was definitely an experience I never wanted to live through again.
My mother's hand lifted as she placed her hand on my cheek. Her hand on my cheek, I realized the tears were slipping past my efforts to catch them with my sleeves. The uncomfortable feeling of her hand pressed against my soaked cheek made me shiver a tad bit.
"Beomgyu, baby, I'm sorry." She had always been full of love. Everything she did was full of love. I think it was more so the softness of her voice, the way she kept the cute little name, calling me 'baby'.
Hiah's grip on me loosened as our mother squished in even closer to her. I don't know how it happened but my sister passed my weak, saddened body to my mother who was seated on the other side of her. I leaned over my sister's lap and melted into my mother's arms.
My mother, like Hiah had done, ran her hand through my hair gently. I felt weak in every aspect. I had completely given up on wiping the tears. I just let it all out, feeling vulnerable and yet at ease with my mom and sister in my arms.
"Hiah told me, you're kind of the one holding these secrets. Maybe you should talk to them about it and try to work things out."
I knew she was just trying to be nice but with everything bubbling up inside me I just couldn't handle it, "I can't, mom! I tried to explain myself but I just got shut out. I don't know what to do!"
She leaned over and began to speak a bit quieter, "You don't have to decide right away. I can tell you're super overwhelmed. Why don't we make you some food and you can get to bed early tonight so you can rest easy, okay?"
Not deciding right then sounded fun. It sounded like something I wanted. All I did was nod. I was hungry.
"Hiah, why don't you two just stay here while I make something quick." Again, I was given from one to the other and I was back in my sister's arms. Being so vulnerable and out in the open mentally like that was super off putting for me, and I'm sure it was too for my mom and sister.
If it was me, having to comfort my sister through a genuinely hard time, I'd drop everything to do it, but that's just what a brother does. In what world does a brother sit crying in his sister's arms and not the other way around? My world.
I think I ended up drifting off into sleep because when I heard Hiah say my name again, she was pushing me up slightly, brushing the hair out of my face as it had gotten stuck slightly around my cheeks from the tears.
"Dinner is ready, Beomgyu." I felt myself suddenly snap out of the strangeness I was engulfed in. I sat up completely and began to wipe the hair from my face fully.
Hiah smiled at me softly before she stood up. That really made me realize how much I adored her. She was my older sister, the girl who had given such a good impression on the teachers she had before me. She gave me everything I had to look up to.
Thankfully she didn't make it too hard for me.
I followed my sister in standing up, walking out of the living room and into the kitchen. We both sat ourselves down at the table. My mother, as I was still half out of it, was placing a bowl in front of each of us.
Something I hadn't had in a while, some kind of soup I think. Maybe it was the best thing to have on such a depressing night like this. Something simple and filling.
My mother then walked back to grab her own bowl before coming over to sit beside me. Which was weird. She usually always sat next to Hiah.
"I love you guys." My mother spoke softly. I could see it in her eyes, the love, I always had been able to see it, the way she always smiled whenever she saw us doing even the simplest things. We were her only light, especially after her husband was taken from her.
I guess having us both grow up so fast really showed that life is so much shorter than you think and there really is no way to 'live it up' like people always say.
Going out and partying with friends or going hiking every day rather than sitting inside or being upset over someone who broke your heart makes no difference. Time passes the same. In the end, you'll be upset that you didn't do enough because you can never do enough. You'll never know what you miss out on. There's nothing more you can do for yourself.
Because sooner or later, you'll be a parent, or not, but you'll be old and you'll be forced to watch the children around you grow, or the trees grow and even then you'll feel old because 'didn't I plant that tree when I was 30?' and now the tree is already blending in with the others because you didn't even realize you turned 60 last Saturday. There's no point.
Feeling different really makes things different.
"We love you too." Hiah slowly spoke. I don't know why I didn't say it back, but I didn't, and I was thankful that Hiah was able to say it for me. I don't think it was because I was stuck in my own head, I think I was just too tired to talk. I was too exhausted to say anything.
I loved my mother, always had, and always would. Even when she was 60 and watching me grow as if I were a tree. I just hoped I'd be able to treat her, take her for walks on the beach on the days I had off from work. Oh, right, work. What was I even supposed to do?
I found myself slowly slurping on the soup, the spoon held loosely in my hand. I felt myself slipping. I was slouching a bit, my fingers trembling.
My eyes drifted upwards, away from the empty spoon in my hand, and up to my sister and mother who were both eating their food with no hesitation. They were hungry and worked hard. I was just hungry because I was hungry.
It was an early dinner, sure, but I was definitely going to have an early everything tonight. Early dinner and early bedtime. That's all my night was going to be, really.
Quickly, I finished my soup, my bowl empty before theirs was even half empty. Or was it half full?
I shook my head at such a dumb thought, my mom looking at my questionably, "Something wrong?"
"No, nothing." I stood up and grabbed my bowl, taking it to the sink. I rinsed it off before I set it in the bottom of the sink, my spoon still paired with it.
"You should go get yourself ready for bed. Try not to stay up too late, but if you can't shake the thoughts, just come see me, okay?" My mom continued to eat her soup. It was like I was a little kid again, having nightmares after my father passed. After the crash, Hiah and I slept in her bed with her for about 3 months. Even after then, she would always let us sleep with her if we needed to.
I went back at least once a week.
My shoulder suddenly felt so much lighter and I nodded, "Thanks."
My body kind of separated from my mind after I said that, my feet started taking me towards the main entrance of our house just to start leading me up the stairs, and I felt like I was just sitting there watching from behind.
When I finally got up the stairs, I felt completely infuriated with myself. I didn't want to change clothes or brush my teeth. I didn't want to do anything other than sit and rot in my bed for another 5 years.
So, that's what I went with. I stormed into my room and slammed the door shut behind me. It wasn't that I was angry, and I'd hoped the two down stairs wouldn't think I was. I thought about Honey, sitting in his cage. As much as I wanted to get him out and cuddle with him, I was too physically weak. I felt tears welling up in my eyes again which only deteriorated my mental stability even more.
I had to rip my eyes away from Honey's cage, raising my head in just the slightest in order to get myself going forward to my bed. My window was cracked open to keep my room from getting stuffy. The breeze that blew in dried up my tears.
I sat on my bed, quickly rubbing my eyes as I realized that I was getting more and more tired. It made me think, really, if I went to sleep now, would that be unreasonable?
My phone was sticking out of my back pocket, tempting me to grab it and scroll through whatever socials I had for hours and hours just to get myself even more sad because it's not like I have any friends to text and sure I can laugh at funny videos but what's the point if you can't show them to other people?
Instead, I grabbed my phone to just check the time before jumping up to my feet to put it on the charger for the night. 18:24 pm.
"Really?" I muttered to myself. I'd always been a 'self-talker.' If I didn't say anything in all of the times that I was alone I think I would have gone crazy.
But, like planned, I plugged my phone in to charge before walking back over to my bed. Sleeping with the window open probably wasn't a good idea.
I stepped over to the window slowly, the wood underneath my feet creaking a bit, but it always did. I walked as soft as I could, grabbing the window from the top to push it back down. But then I stopped. I saw something, someone, even.
Standing outside in my backyard, right under my window. Sitting on the floor, head hanging low between their knees. It didn't take long for me to figure out who it was though, based off of his hair, but I did wonder, why was Yeonjun sitting in my backyard?
It was fenced in and there wasn't some kind of gate so he either hopped over the fence or snuck through my house. One was definitely more likely than the other.
"You're an idiot." I retreated back a bit into my room when he said that, not sure if he had sensed I was there or something. Was he even talking to me? About me? Or himself?
After a bit of silence again though, I stepped forward and leaned my head back out the window slightly. He was in the process of standing up, wiping off the possible grass stains and dirt picked up from his pants.
What was his plan? What was he doing here?
The thought just kept coming back. Maybe he was there because he wanted to argue more or confront me with the issue, or maybe he wanted to apologize. Or maybe neither. Or both. Maybe he just came in hopes of something happening yet nothing did so he was just leaving.
Leaving. He was. He was walking over to a spot on the fence, and as he grabbed the top of the pickets, about his shoulder length, I bit my lip.
"Yeonjun!" I don't know why I shouted. I really don't know what I was thinking at the moment, but I really didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to leave. I couldn't stand to watch him climb back over that fence just to walk out of my life for that night and possibly ruin the chances of actually getting some kind of progress between the two of us, good or bad.
He froze, his hands still tightly gripping the wood in front of him. I could practically see him sigh with relief. I'd never seen him move so fast in his life, his hands dropping from the fence as he ran back right underneath my window.
"Beomgyu, we seriously need to talk."
"I agree."
"Please come down."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Okay, I just don't want to." I really didn't feel like getting up and going downstairs and out the back door because I knew my mom and sister were going to be curious and they would probably invade all of the privacy we'd hope to have.
Yeonjun didn't push it though, he just sighed once more and stared down at his feet, shaking his head slightly as he quickly shot his head back up to make sudden eye contact with me. Those eyes really do something to a person.
"I'm sorry, Hiah, I am. I was just upset, seeing you with Taehyun, knowing you can so easily talk to everyone but me just because I told you my feelings." He rubbed his temples before he continued talking, "You know, it was bad enough seeing you with Taehyun, but when the other guys started backing you up too, that you've been talking to them about their 'issues'," He put air quotes around the word issues, which I was conflicted as to whether I should've been upset by his immaturity or happy he was at least being honest with me, "I just got more angry because if they could be vulnerable with you and have you help them, why didn't I get that when I was being vulnerable with you?"
He had a valid point, and seeing him under this sunset lighting, underneath my window as I leaned out to talk to him, I was blamed fully. The whole of it all, the birds chirping in the far off distance, the fireflies that started to sparkle around, the sound of my mother and sister laughing in the room below, Yeonjun standing hopefully under my window, his hair blowing ever so gently in the wind, all of it, was me.
Life, really, being a movie. Which reminded me for the millionth time in the past day, I was the only villain of my story so there was no point in trying to blame it on someone else.
"I'm sorry too, Yeonjun. I should've been more understanding. I should've talked to you about it instead of just waiting for something to happen even when nothing was going to happen." Being so serious with a guy like him, for the both of us, was just so off putting and I could tell he felt the same just by the way he awkwardly rubbed his hands together.
The window was about 15 feet from the grass below, maybe less, but with his height there was even less distance between the two of us. I swear I could hear his breathing with how close yet far we were.
"You, so you're saying, you forgive me?" He was stuttering a bit, his words catching my attention. Was I? Was I really forgiving him? I mean, he gave me no reason not to trust his words of apologies. So why not? Hopefully that would make things less awkward.
I felt myself tense up a little bit. I mean, my instincts made me want to lean myself further and further out the window, so I did. My whole upper body was sticking out the window at that point.
"I do. And let's try to prevent this from happening again." I said that now but talking things out wasn't something I was too good at. I just wanted things to go my way from the beginning and if they didn't then I'd have a meltdown and I'd literally melt down into nothing.
Yeonjun lifted his arm up. I really could reach him. So, I did, reaching one arm down so my hand would touch his. Our fingers intertwined just so softly. What he couldn't see, which made me laugh, was me trying so hard not to fall out the window.
"You should come down." His voice was soft as it blew and thwarted with the wind, his gentle tone engulfing my every thought, as if his sentence wrapped around my head, trying to bring me tumbling out of my window.
I let out a breathy laugh at his desperation, "I don't want my mom or sister to be nosy."
"Your sister should be nosy. Speaking of your sister, you and her should come with us."
"Us? And come with you where?"
"Some guy from our school that lives down the street from me is throwing a party. He said seniors and older." He let go of my hand and dropped his arm back down to his side.
A party. A real party. I knew I'd always be in Hiah's graces if I were able to get her into an actual party. But I was tired. But it was too early to go to sleep. Surely going to a party for the first time would be a good way to get some stress off, right?
I shrugged as I brought my hands back into the window, using my arm to keep myself propped up but not falling forward, "Is there gonna be alcohol?"
He shrugged with a smirk, "We'll have to see."
His snarky remark made me roll my eyes at just how childish he really was, "Whatever. Are the other guys going?"
"Yeah, so are Taehyun's older brothers and Aera."
"Good. I'll ask Hiah if she wants to go. Meet me around the front, and don't break my fence." I giggled a little bit as he nodded understandingly.
His smile was sheepish yet genuine. I felt my shoulders get lighter at that moment. It was almost magical, the way the heavy weight just lifted as if it were a physical object being tossed into the nothingness.
I started to pull back into my window after I watched him slip back towards the fence to start lifting himself up, but then he paused and turned his head, "Beomgyu?"
I froze and turned my head back around to see him straddling the fence like a little kid which made me giggle a little bit, "Yeah?"
"One last thing. Whether you and your sister come or not, I want you to know that I love you."
He loved me. He loved me and I knew it.
He jumped off the fence with a smile and disappeared into the alley. I stared, as if he'd pop back out again, but finally after a couple seconds, I shut my window and turned to my door.
He loved me.