It has been three days since Colten left for the rogue group. Three days since Adrian had informed his pack of their new position. Three days of deflecting questions and curiosity so abundant it's invasive. Three days of watching Sam adjust to the type of life I was never able to give him, but always knew he beyond deserved. Three days of shooting down Adrian's advances, and the simultaneous three days of pain in my chest and sense of betrayal from my wolf for doing so.
And, three days of avoiding Sonya.
The bubbling mom-to-be has been trying to convince me to go shopping with her for the last seventy two hours. She keeps telling me I need new, and more, clothes (meaning ones that aren't torn or covered in blood), which I can't really deny. I've been wearing her shorts, Adrian's shirt and my worn out boots since my visit to the infirmary. Sonya's been trying to offer me more of her clothes to wear on a daily basis, but I always refuse. I already feel bad for borrowing her shorts, and I don't want to make the situation even worse. Deep down I know my guilt isn't a normal reaction to people being nice, but I'm not used to it and quite honestly, I wasn't ever raised to be.
Also, Sam and my funds are pretty scarce right now, and I'm not going to spend them on unnecessary clothes. However, I do need a pair of shorts. With an extremely unenthusiastic resolution, I stand up from my chair in the kitchen right as the woman in question walks in.
As stern of an expression as Sonya can ever manage on her face, she doesn't even bother with a greeting. "We're going shopping." Noticing my attempt to respond, she cuts me off. "I don't want to hear it. You need clothes, and I already asked Brian to watch Sam. We're going."
Sighing, I glare at her, but there's a playful glint in my eye. "Fine." As the two of us walk out of the kitchen, I add, "You're admirably, but annoyingly, persistent you know".
Smiling brightly at me, her perpetual cheerful mood is back. "I know," she chirps. Making our way out the side door into the grassy area between the forest and pack house, we're greeted with the sight of a shirtless Adrian and Luke returning from checking on patrols. Immediately, my wolf perks up and an unwelcome ache forms in the pit of my stomach.
I force my eyes to the tree line behind them, an action my wolf is extremely disgruntled by, as Sonya addresses the pair.
"We're going to be gone for the day. The two of us are going shopping."
A bit shocked by her statement, "Wait," I butt in, "We're going shopping for the entire day?"
She continues her conversation with the two as though she didn't hear me. "I want to look at some stuff for the baby, and Danny's in desperate need of some more clothes."
"What the hell are we going to do for the entire day?" I question. Again, I'm ignored.
"I thought we were going to shop for the baby stuff together?" Luke asks. He doesn't sound angry, like I half expected, but simply curious. Though, there is a slight frown on his face. Disappointment, I think is the emotion I would settle on if I had to classify it.
As always, his reaction confuses me to no end.
"We are," Sonya assures, "On the important stuff. I just want to look at some of the smaller, more technical stuff. Like bottles, clothes, maybe a breast pump; things like that. I figured Danny could help with that kind of stuff".
My eyebrows shoot up to my hairline in shock as they all glance my way. "Uhhh..." As if I have any idea what bottles to buy or even know what a "breast pump" is. I know they're still completely oblivious to the majority of my past, but even with the amount they know it should be pretty damn clear I never went shopping for "clothes" or "bottles" or whatever the hell this torture sounding "breast pump" is. I was raised by the most vicious alpha in the shifter world. Did they really think he brought me to Babies R Us when he found out I was pregnant? Did they really not realize that the only way I even know about Babies R Us is because I saw a magazine in a human house I stole clothes from for Sam?
Luckily, I'm saved from my speechlessness as Luke speaks up. "You guys are going alone?" His expression clouds a bit as the protective side of his wolf rises to the surface.
"Yes. And no," Sonya continues at the opening of her mate's mouth, "You're not coming with and no, we're not bringing guards. We are going to have a girl's day out. Besides, from what I've heard Danny is perfectly capable of protecting us."
It's true, but my brain is a bit more preoccupied with the sentence before her last to register her vote of confidence.
"A girl's day out?" I question incredulously. I'm not even sure what that is, but I am pretty sure I'm the worse possible person to take with on one.
"Exactly," Sonya chirps, either choosing to ignore my skepticism or somehow truly not noticing it. Grabbing my arm, she spins us around and pulls us away from the two males after a brief kiss goodbye to Luke. As I turn, I finally lock eyes with Adrian and find an amused expression on his face, as well as the longing look I've grown so accustomed to over the last few days in his eyes. Quickly breaking eye contact, I dig my heels in as Sonya tries to drag me away.
"Hold on. Where's Brian? I want to tell Sam where we're going before we leave."
Forced to a standstill, Sonya answers, "They're at the playground, I think."
I smile slightly. "Should have known."
Changing our direction, we make our way towards Sam's new favorite place. As it comes into view, I spot Sam yanking on Brian's arm in an attempt to drag the previous alpha over to the swing set. My face automatically breaks into an ear to ear smile as I watch them; I can't help it. Sam's happier than he's ever been, and him and Brian have become quite close over the past few days. At first, I was worried that Sam might be bothering Brian, that Brian would be annoyed with him, but I should have known better. The former alpha is just as happy to spend time with Sam as Sam is with him. Someone watching the pair from the outside would think Brian's just a grandfather enjoying the day with his grandson.
Mentally freezing at the thought, I proceed to mentally slap myself. What the hell am I thinking? I can't be entertaining thoughts like that. Sam and I are only staying on Silver Crescent long enough for Colten to return with the rogues, and then possibly the time it will take to train them if we can't find a better area to set up camp. After that, we're off to the ambush, and after we take Black Fire's territory that's where we'll be living since, if all goes according to plan, I'll be alpha. That was always the plan. That is the plan. I refuse to let that all go to hell by becoming distracted by a certain thought consuming, handsome alpha who claims we're soulmates.
I mean, even is he is right we still can't stay. It would be better for everyone if Sam and I just moved on. I can never be the mate Adrian's dreamed of, can never be the mate he deserves. He'll be better off if I just let him get back to his life and move on. It might hurt, at first, but alpha's heal fast. Then, maybe one day, he can find a nice woman able to love him like he deserves, and he'll have the happily ever after he's always believed in. It'll be better for him, I try to convince myself, if I cut off whatever it is he believes ties us together before it has a chance to develop.
He deserves so much more than I can ever give him.
Adrian's one of the select few souls who has earned the right to be loved, who deserves love. And I never will be. That's all there is to it.
I try not to pay too much attention to how much of a lie my thoughts feel like as Sonya and I make our way over to Sam and Brian. The latter looks up in greeting as we grow closer. "Sonya tells me she's taking you on a lady's day out," he addresses me.
I grimace in response.
Chuckling, Brian has the same amused glow in his eyes that his son had at this piece of information. "Good luck," he winks, glancing at Sonya's overenthusiastic face, "You'll need it".
"You've never spoken a truer statement," I grumble. Looking over at Sonya, who has now moved over to the swing set to push Sam and therefore is out of earshot, I watch the smile that slowly spreads across her face and the adoration in her eyes as she watches all the children playing. Glancing back at Brian, I notice he's watching her too.
"She's going to make a great mom," I voice.
Smiling at the scene, he agrees, "She is".
I continue to watch the scene, continue to take in the children playing and running and laughing, continue to take in the mothers watching studiously from the sidelines and sometimes playing and laughing as well. Most significantly though, I take in the fathers playing with their children just as often as the mothers, and I take in a particular father-daughter duo as the man chases his daughter around the slide.
"I'm going to get you," he threatens, yet there's not a single note of malice in his voice.
The little blonde toddler squeals with laughter and continues her track around the play structure, glancing over her shoulder every few seconds to keep track of her father's progress. Her eyes on her dad instead of where she's going, she fails to see the first step of the structure's stairs until she's already tripping over them and quickly falling towards the hard plastic. Seemingly out of nowhere, her dad's arms snake around her just before the undoubtable collision and lift her up into his embrace. Smiling hugely as she giggles more than I thought possible, the man pretends to try to "eat" her like a monster.
"I got you," he playfully announces. Still giggling, she pushes away his head as he attempts to "eat" her again.
"Again! Again!" she demands.
Setting his daughter gently on her feet, he agrees, "Alright, but careful sweetie. Watch where you're running". Kissing her forehead, he continues, "We don't want you to hit your head".
At her nod, he lets the giggling girl go, and the game starts again.
Looking away from the scene, I notice Brian's now looking at me in the same observing manner he was previously using as he watched Sonya. "Not exactly what you're used to, is it?"
I glance back at the play area as the perpetual sound of children's laughter rings through the air. "You could say that."
"What confuses you the most?" Brian questions.
My eyes stray back to the blonde toddler and her father. "The men," I answer honestly.
Brian remains quiet, watching the pair as well as he waits for me to continue.
Perhaps due to that very reason I'm able to elaborate without feeling wrong, without feeling like I'm making some huge mistake. "The men of Black Fire - or at least the men I spent time around - weren't exactly what you would call family men." Watching the scene, I let out a humorless chuckle. "You have no idea how alien this is to me."
"I have a vague idea," he corrects, his eyes drifting down to the shirt covered skin of my forearm, "But other than that, I can't even begin to imagine".
I have to bite my tongue to keep any further elaboration from slipping out. It's strange; I've never had any desire to share part of my past before, no matter how small. Something about Brian's concrete, calm presence though has me wanting to share my past, fills me with the sudden desire to explain myself, to make someone understand why I am the way I am, why I act the way I do. I want to justify my actions.
More than that, I realize, I want someone to understand my actions. I want someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing, to tell me that I'm not some heartless monster for everything I'm doing to Adrian and Sam. For everything I've put them through, and everything I will put them through. I want someone to understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, why I'm going to throw away what evidently the majority of wolves consider the most sacred bond. To truly understand why I'm sacrificing my son's immediate happiness and peace of mind, to understand that this isn't just all about some piece of land that was stolen or some distressed female wolf with severe father issues. I want to explain, to make someone understand that this is all about so much more. That this goes so much deeper. What I desperately want, I realize, is someone to understand, to tell me and to truly believe, that I'm not my father.
This is not just another pointless Royce power struggle. This is not about revenge.
This, this is about justice.
I shake my head in an attempt to clear it of my ferocious, sudden and unwanted desire for validation. Luckily for me, Sonya and Sam join us before I can do anything too stupid. Keeping our goodbye short, I tell Sam I'll see him later, tell him to be good for Brian, and give him a hug. After his agreement to be on his best behavior and watching the giant smile on his face as he returns to the playground with Brian, Sonya and I are on our way to the car.
"I'm warning you right now," I look over at Sonya in the driver's seat as I climb into the passenger side of the vehicle, "I am going to be terrible at this".
Her only response is a face breaking smile as her foot slams down the gas pedal.
****
"No."
"Come on, it'd look so-"
"No."
Sonya lets out a long sigh. "You are definitely Adrian's mate," she mutters under her breath.
"Excuse me?" I question, even though we both know I heard her perfectly.
"I-well come on Danny. You're the only person on the planet who's more stubborn than Adrian himself. It's just a skirt; it won't kill you."
"I believe that's a matter of opinion."
Sonya just sighs again. "Alright," she eventually agrees, placing the frilly atrocity back on the rack, "But I'm tired of having the same argument".
"Then drop it," I suggest as we start walking through the other rows of clothing.
"I won't; not this time. There is no way you're leaving here with just a single pair of shorts. I know you're not used to being a girl, so I'm giving you a pass this one time for not understanding quite how sad that is by shopping standards."
I have to try this time to hold back a sigh of my own. We'd been walking around the same clothing store for at least an hour, and so far I'd refused to even look at anything other than the pair of jean shorts currently in my hands. Which I found within the first five minutes of this little adventure, I might add. It's safe to say I'm slowly, but surely, driving Sonya insane. Though in my defense, she's having the exact same effect on me.
"Fine," Sonya huffs after a few minutes of silence, "Fine. Let's take a break from the clothes, alright? We'll grab something to eat then regroup."
"Sounds like a plan to me," I willingly agree. Anything to get out of the pink explosion that is this department.
"So you've really never been shopping before?" Sonya questions as we make our way towards the exit.
"Never."
"What about your mom? She never took you?"
I barely restrain a snort. "She wasn't exactly the shopping type."
I half expect Sonya to ask what type she was then, but am pleasantly surprised when she doesn't. I wouldn't have told her the truth regardless, but, still, it's nice not to have to come up with a lie every once in a while. We continue our walk in the general direction of the food court in silence. Apparently, both of us are enjoying the reprieve from our petty arguments too much to break it.
As the front of the pizza counter comes into view, I open my mouth to tell Sonya that I'm not hungry, but one look from the mom-to-be has me snapping it shut again and coughing up the three bucks for a slice. I figure it's best not to push her any further than I already have at the moment. The last thing I want to deal with is a pregnant werewolf's mental breakdown in the middle of a crowded food court. Once again, I figure playing nice and just going along with whatever gets me out of this situation the easiest is my best option at the moment.
Our silence continues as we purchase our food, and continues as we search for an open table. I half expect Sonya to break it, but it continues as we take a seat and begin to eat. Going along with my decision not to poke the angry bear - or wolf, in this case - I refuse to be the one to break it. Instead, I let my mind wander and immediately it lands on my painfully obvious idiocy. It lands on the facts that are so in-my-face obvious I've been forcing myself to ignore them just to get through this trip. Left to nothing but my own contemplations, though, and they come bursting through the flimsy wall of fake ignorance I built in my mind.
What the hell am I thinking? The thought keeps replaying itself on a loop, like a broken record in the back of my mind. What the hell am I thinking? What the hell am I thinking?
No, seriously. What the freakin hell?
I'm about to lead an army against the most powerful tyrant the shifter world has seen in the last half millennium, and what am I doing? Sitting in a food court across from a pregnant shifter - who I met not even a week ago - eating pizza as we take a break from shopping for clothes and supplies for me and a not-even-born-yet baby.
The record rotates to the front of my mind again as it continues its track. What the hell am I thinking?
Maybe there really is something in the air here.
Alright, so I know I can't exactly start training anybody since they're not here yet, and I can't plan too much until I have a better idea of our numbers, but still. I should be scouting the terrain, sketching out a timeline, determining an algorithm to better estimate the number of shifters alive and willing to join the fight...just, something. Anything.
Anything but sitting in a slightly uncomfortable silence in the middle of a food court in a human mall acting like I have nothing more important to do than update my wardrobe.
Yeah, anything but that.
Eating the crust of my pizza, I, for what feels like the thousandth time in the past two hours, resist the nearly overwhelming urge to sigh. Or, yeah know, start throwing things. My eyes traveling from Sonya's swollen belly, to her pizza covered hands, all the way up to her faux, trying-too-hard-to-be-expressionless face as the constant babble of the mall and smell of various foods and perfumes fill my senses, I hear the record play once again as it makes its loop back to the forefront of my thoughts.
What the hell am I thinking?
_______________________________________
Hey guys! Hope you like this chapter. If you feel like not much happened after a long wait, you're right. While I believe this chapter has its moments, it's really more of a lead in into the next one. Originally, I was going to have their shopping trip in one chapter, but it ended up being WAY too long so I broke it into two. Just a heads up, my updates may be slower than usual lately because I'm still working on writing the next few chapters, and I want to get them right. Anyways, as always thanks for reading and commenting! Seriously, reading your comments and seeing your votes makes my day. Hope you enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think!
~Bailey~