Copyright (c) 2015 Phyllis Zimbler Miller
All rights reserved.
NASA report blames itself, the Beech Aircraft Corp., and North American RockwellCorp. for the near-fatal explosion that aborted the Apollo 13 mission. -- June 15, 1970
St. Louis 1970
"You'll have to arrange for all the childcare," Steve says as we drive south towards St. Louis. "The research for my thesis is just at a vulnerable point and I can't let up. I'm not sure I can be of any help with the baby."
I don't cringe. I knew this before I got pregnant. In fact, I welcome it this way. I alone can mold my baby. I won't have to fear what terrible environmental characteristics Steve might pass on. Maybe even his genetic characteristics can be blunted with the right early influences.
"I'll take care of everything," I say.
***
The baby's cries wake me at 3 a.m. Marcia hasn't slept through the night since she was born. She's now six months old and sitting up, but still not sleeping well. The pediatrician says to let her cry for a few nights. "Believe me, she'll learn to sleep through the night."
But I can't do it. Can't stand to let Marcia cry for longer than a minute or two. I brought this child into the world; I'm responsible for making her life as good as possible.
For a moment I think of the child I chose not to have. But only for a moment.
I glance at Steve. He doesn't hear the cries. He can sleep through anything. Besides, I promised him that I would take care of everything. And I will. If only I weren't so tired.
I can't take Marcia into the living room and watch television while feeding her because the sofa is occupied. Laura is here from Madison. "Helene is home, alone, on school vacation as the time isn't right to tell her parents about us yet," Laura said when she called. "So can I please come visit? The apartment seems so empty without her."
Of course I said yes. A little adult company will go a long way. How many times a day can you say "goo, goo" to a baby's gurgling without losing your mind?
Laura meets me in the doorway of the baby's room. "I'm sorry you were awoken," I say.
"I was up already. I couldn't sleep."
I bring Marcia out into the living room and join Laura on the sofa. Marcia sucks hungrily.
Laura says, "Isn't it amazing how breastfeeding goes in and out of fashion? How historically class and status got all mixed up with what's best for the child?"
I nod. "It's so easy. I can't imagine having to waste time with sterilizing bottles and nipples and mixing formula."
"Feeding our dolls was a lot easier," Laura says. "And they only ate when we wanted to feed them. They were the perfect companions." Her eyes squeeze together.
"How are things going with Helene?" I say. "You haven't said anything."
"I'd rather not talk about it, if you don't mind." Laura punches her pillow into a bagel shape, then smooths it out.
"Then what shall we talk about?" I hesitate. "I know! Our favorite topic from childhood -- the horrible Marjorie Brandstein now Marjorie Satinsky."
"She seemed pretty tame when we were together in Chicago. Maybe motherhood will mellow her," Laura says.
I switch Marcia to the other breast. "I'm not holding my breath. She manages to get in some juicy gibes every time I see her. It's her personality."
Laura shrugs. "That was really rotten of her to sleep with Steve after you two were already pinned."
Marcia cries out as my jerking yanks the nipple out of her mouth. I glom the baby back on the breast, then say, "What are you talking about?"
Laura's face blanches. "I forgot you didn't know."
"Start at the beginning."
"It was the weekend you flew home to Chicago for your mother's exploratory surgery. ZBT had a party to welcome the new SDT sisters, the same as they did for you and the rest of the new AEPhi sisters on a different day. Steve wouldn't have gone if you were around, but you weren't. Marjorie and the other new SDT sisters went, and Steve and Marjorie ended up together."
I glance down at my baby. I don't want Marcia to hear this even if she can't understand. The baby's eyes are closed.
"How can you know so much?" I say. "And how come word never got back to me? It's exactly the type of thing that Marjorie would have told me. I'm surprised she didn't meet me at the airport with a banner announcing "I SLEPT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND."
Laura again fiddles with her pillow, punching it into a ball and then flattening it. "She didn't tell you because I threatened her."
"You? What could you threaten her with?"
"Exposure."
"What?"Laura smiles. "You know I told you I wasn't sure I was gay until recently. But I had experimented with touching other women. And your cousin Marjorie, well she was always one for new experiences."
This is too rich. I stand and carry the sleeping baby back into her room, then return to the living room. "Want some wine?"
"Why not?"
I pour red wine, then sit back down next to Laura. "Go on."
Laura nods. "You know how you and I often had to include Marjorie in the things we did? Well, when you were away, Marjorie and I sometimes did things together."
I nod, not bothering to mention that I could never understand how Laura could stand being around Marjorie.
"The summer before we all went to college you were away on a family vacation and Marjorie slept over at my house. That night we experimented a little. The next morning Marjorie got all bent out of shape and made me promise never to tell anyone."
Now I understand what Laura had to threaten Marjorie with. "But how did you know?" I ask. "You were up in Madison."
Laura nods again. "I called you in your room that Sunday morning not knowing you were back in Chicago. Apparently your roommate was out so Marjorie answered the phone."
"What was she doing in my room?"
"That's the point. She was all flush with her news and she was leaving you a note about what a great lover Steve was. She couldn't help herself; she blurted out the story to me."
"And you threatened her?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I didn't want you hurt. You'd think it was Steve, no matter what he'd say. But if you were honest you'd know it was Marjorie. She probably pumped him full of alcohol or something to break down his resistance. This was to be a major triumph over you. She thought he should be hers since she spotted him first."
"How come no one else told me? Others had to have known. You couldn't threaten everyone."
Laura flipped her hands back and forth. "At the party everybody was too busy with their own activities. I was sure that when Steve realized what had happened he wasn't going to tell anyone. And I figured it was too early in the morning for Marjorie to have broadcast the news far and wide. I was right. The story never got out."
I lean over and hug Laura. "You're a true friend."
Then I sip my wine and ponder the obvious questions. What if I had known? Would I have gone ahead and married Steve? And what would I have done to Marjorie?
I smile. "Now Steve and I are even, one for one."
Laura leans closer. "What do you mean?"
"I've never told you before about Rusty Korn."
"The famous actor?"
"The same."
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If you would also like to read women's fiction that takes place in the future rather than the past, check out THE MOTHER SIEGE here on Wattpad at http://budurl.com/MSintro