I have a one-year-old. Holy shit I have a one-year-old. Not only do I have a one-year old, but I have a one-year-old who is now walking which is the most terrifying thing in the entire world. I mean crawling scared me but out of no where three days before her first birthday she decided to just up and walk around the house. Okay, that may be an exaggeration but regardless, she's walking now.
"What are you awake thinking about already?" Joe mumbles, laying in bed next to me, his arm draped over my stomach as he lies on his own.
"Willa's one today," I tell him dreamily, staring at the ceiling.
I feel as he props himself up a few seconds later, his hand now resting on my stomach as he faces me. "You okay?"
I grin, nodding before looking at him. "Does this mean she's not a baby anymore?"
He grins, sighing. "Technically, yeah."
My eyes widen a little, my bottom lip popping out.
He chuckles. "Babe."
"No," I shake my head, tears welling up in my eyes. "I'm not ready for her to not be a baby anymore. I feel like I missed out on so much time."
He pulls me into his chest as a few tears fall from my eyes. "You were there the entire time, my love."
"Yeah, physically."
"You can't keep beating yourself up for that, baby. It wasn't your fault."
"But wasn't it though?" I ask, tucking my closed fist under my chin.
"Nope," he shakes his head. "Even if you were to have done everything in you power to be completely present, you and Willa connected when you were meant to. I fully believe that."
I sigh. "We have to make today amazing for her. We need to get up," I start, wiggling out of his arms and sitting up. "And make breakfast. Pancakes, she loves pancakes. Ooo, we should make funfetti pancakes, yes. She can have those and then some sausage cause she loves sausage and fruit. That'll be her breakfast and we have to watch monsters inc today and take her in the pool because it's supposed to be nice. Maybe we could take her to the park too. We can try to find one that's more hidden or something. Wait, she just turned one today. Is she too little for the park?"
By the time I'm done going my spiral about our plans for the day, I'm out of bed with a pair of sweats and a tee on, sliding on my slippers and turning to him.
"You coming?" I ask.
He chuckles, standing up and pulling on a pair of shorts and a tee as well, following me out of the room and down the stairs.
"I will make breakfast," he says, giving me a look. "She's going to wake up any minute and I know you want to nurse her and spend a few-"
Willa's yell interrupts him, making him stop and gesture at the stairs for me.
I grin, quickly jogging up the stairs and opening the bedroom door to see her standing in her crib, a smile spreading across her lips as she sees me. "Good morning mamas girl!"
She giggles, bouncing as I walk over, lifting her out of the crib and giving her a hug.
"Happy Birthday my sweet girl," I tell her. "You're one year old! Can you believe that?!"
She squeals in response, tugging at the collar of my tee and peering down into my shirt.
"Okay, okay, I know. You want milk," I tell her, walking over to the glider and sitting. "Hold on, hold on."
I set her on my lap, taking off the tee and unclasping the nursing tank, letting her latch a moment later and starting to rock gently in the glider, taking out my phone and starting to scroll mindlessly... until a story catches my eye.
Joe Jonas and Wife, Addison Jonas, on the brink of Divorce.
I furrow my brows, rolling my eyes at the article and let Willa finish nursing while I continue to scroll before I put her on the floor to clasp my tank and slide my tee back on... only for her to start walking away.
"Willa," I call her, making her turn and smile wide. I grin in response, picking her up and walking down the stairs. "Where's daddy? Say Dada, where are you?"
Joe peeks out from the kitchen, a smile spreading across his lips. "Hi baby girl!"
She giggles and squeals, immediately reaching for him.
"You're one today!" He tells her, grabbing her from me and giving her a kiss on the head. "Holy cow!"
She giggles again, holding onto his arm for dear life.
"We," I start, gaining his attention. "Apparently are on the brink of a divorce."
He furrows his brows. "What?"
"I saw an article while I was nursing her," I tell him, laughing lightly.
He rolls his eyes. "They're really reaching."
I shrug. "Let them. We know we're fine."
By the time breakfast is ready, Willa is reaching for her plate, excited for the food awaiting her as Joe and I sit with her and eat as well, something we've tried to make a priority here recently.
Once we're all done eating, Joe takes Willa into the living room to play with her for a few minutes while I clean up and load the dishwasher, starting the load and making my way to join them, Joe attempting to get Willa to say "dada" as she giggles in response, smiling widely at him.
"Babe, it's definitely going to be mama, not dada," I tell him, smirking as I sit with them.
"No way in hell," he says, giving me a look. "Willa, say dada. Dada."
She giggles again, making me laugh lightly as well.
"Willa, dada. Dada."
"Dada dada dada," she babbles.
My mouth drops. "Are you kidding me?!"
"Yes!" Joe cheers, picking her up and throwing her in the air. "Good job baby!"
"Willa! What about mama?!" I ask, standing and getting closer to her.
She giggles yet again, reaching out for my face, grabbing my nose and then trying to put her hand in my mouth.
"No!" I tell her in a silly voice. "Mama."
She giggles again.
"Mama."
She giggles again before babbling 'dada' a few times.
Joe chuckles, smiling wider than before.
"Willa!" I squeal, grabbing her from him and placing a kiss on her face, allowing her to grab my face, trying to eat my nose in return. "Say mama."
She squeals again, looking at me before reaching back to Joe.
I groan. "I give up."
He chuckles. "She'll say it." He waits a moment. "But she said dada first."
I gently shove him to the side, grinning at him. "Lucky." I smile wider, looking at Willa. "You wanna watch Sully?"
She stares at me blankly, watching me from Joe's lap on the couch while I turn on the movie, the opening credits starting as she squeals in excitement."
"There it is," I laugh, sitting next to Joe as she gets off the couch, playing with some of her toys as the movie plays, looking up at it here and there as she wants to.
While she does what she pleases, Joe and I sit close to one another, his arm lying on the back of the couch as I gently lean against him.
"We have a one-year-old," Joe says.
I grin, nodding. "We do."
"We kept her alive for a year."
"Now we have to do it for another 17."
He chuckles, lying his head back. "Oh shit."
I laugh, smiling widely at him. "I think we're doing a pretty good job so far."
"Yeah, she can't even talk yet though."
"And she's a fresh walker."
"She has your attitude."
"And your stubbornness."
"Fuck." He says.
I laugh, nodding. "We're in trouble."
Soon enough, Willa begins to fuss, coming over and pulling at my shirt.
I glance at the time, shaking my head. "No, baby, how about a snack before nap instead of milk." I tell her, standing up with her in my arms and going to the kitchen with her on my hip now. "What about a nana and" I pause, looking in the cabinet. "Cheerios?"
She babbles in response, her voice still whiny, telling me she's simply hungry as she continues to pull at my shirt.
"Okay," I tell her, walking back to the living room. "Can you hang out with daddy while I make your snack please?"
Joe takes her and I walk away only for her to start crying and Joe's voice to speak up.
"She's coming back."
I sigh, quickly grabbing a banana and peeling it before cutting it in half long ways then in half long ways again before cutting the longer pieces in thirds. I place the banana in a bowl and grab a second, quickly pouring some cheerios while Willa pulls at my pant leg.
"I'm coming baby, I'm coming," I tell her, stacking the two bowls on top of each other, balancing her sippy cup and grabbing her with my empty arm to put her on my hip and bring her back to the living room. "Okay." I gently place her down, kneeling next to her as I place the cup and bowls on the coffee table for her to see.
She continues to cry, reaching for me again.
"Baby, look," I tell her, grabbing a piece of banana and offering it to her, only for her to turn her head at it. I sigh, grabbing a cheerio and offering it. She turns her head again, leaving me to sigh and grab a couple more, popping them in my own mouth. "Mmm, yum."
She continues to cry, more like a whine as I pick up another cheerio.
"Does Willa want one too?" I ask, offering it again.
She turns her head.
"No? Okay, mama eat it." I tell her, grabbing a piece of banana and taking a small bite before eating a couple more cheerios.
She whines again, watching before reaching for the cheerios, eating one and then another before trying the banana and eating some of that too, her attention back on the tv again.
I sigh, sitting next to her on the floor and lying my head on the seat of the couch.
"Props," Joe nods. "I know it took a lot for you to not nurse her just now."
I laugh lightly, nodding. "I don't want her to rely on nursing all the time. I want to continue but she's gotta eat more solid food too, I know that."
He grins, running his hands through my hair.
I hum in satisfaction, closing my eyes at the feeling.
As Monsters Inc finishes, I finally make note of Willa rubbing her eyes as she munches on the snack, making me turn off the tv and Joe to quietly ask Alexa to play piano lullaby, which she does.
Soon, Willa turns, reaching for me and simply lays on my chest.
"She's out," Joe tells me only a few moments later, leading me to get up and take her to the nursery, lying her in her crib, turning on the soft piano music and leaving the room in silence, walking downstairs to the toys already being picked up and the music still playing, Joe sitting on the couch again waiting for me.
"She's only been sleeping in the morning for like an hour, right?" He asks.
I nod. "Yeah, it's not super long. Forty-five minutes to an hour."
He nods, opening his arms for me to cuddle into. "You," he starts, kissing my head before finishing. "Are the best mommy to our little girl."
I grin, intertwining our fingers. "Thank you. I can't tell you how amazing of a daddy you are to her." I shake my head. "Which reminds me," I sit up, facing him. "Thank you."
He furrows his eyebrows. "For what?"
"For allowing me the time to step into being a mom since gaining the connection with Willa. For letting me discover what that means for me. And most of all for still being the most present and making sure we get your time and attention with going back to work.
He smiles, pulling me closer to kiss me slowly before pulling away again. "I love this little family we've created. I can't wait for it to grow..." he pauses. "If you want it to, that is."
I smile, nodding. "Actually, I think that would be kind of amazing."
"Yeah?" He asks, raising his eyebrows, obviously surprised. "Even after all the trouble the first time?"
"I think most of the trouble came from me not knowing what this feels like. What it's like to be a mom. I didn't realize it would come so naturally to do what I needed to do for my baby. Now that I do, I don't think another one would be such a bad idea."
He smiles, kissing me again. "I love that you've fallen in love with being a mom."
I nod. "Not right now though."
"Oh, definitely not," he shakes his head. "Willa turned one literally today."
I laugh, nodding. "It can wait a little bit."
"I agree," he smiles.
As much as I had never wanted to be a mother, I can't explain how amazing Willa's first birthday feels. I can't help but to think about how far I've come, personally, within the past year. I can't wait to see what the next year brings too.
"Alrighty," Joe says, sighing. "Lunch is done and cleaned up, what do we want to do with the birthday girl now?"
Willa had woken up after forty-five minutes and Joe had taken the time to give her lunch while I sat, reflecting with myself.
"We could go swimming," I smile. "She loves that."
He grins, nodding, opening his mouth to speak when I cut him off.
"I will get her and myself ready. You go get yourself ready and make sure the pool is bug free."
He nods once, saluting me. "You got it."
Once the three of us are ready, Joe and I get into the pool with her, letting her splash around in the water in her pool float.
"This thing still makes me nervous," I admit, staying close by her.
Joe nods. "Me too, but it's supposed to be anti-flip and we haven't had any trouble yet."
I nod. "I know, but still. You never know."
He grins, coming over to us and kissing me before pulling Willa away, having her giggle as she glides through the water easily.
"Joe! Be careful!"
He laughs. "Babe, she's fine. Neither of us are going to let anything happen to her."
I roll my eyes, lounging back on a pool noodle as he continues to play with her, the both of them loving every second of it.
Once Willa begins to fuss, I know she's getting hungry again, leading me to unsnap her from the pool float, sit on one of the top steps I got he pool so my legs are still in the water, and take one of my breasts from my bikini top, letting her nurse.
Joe raises his eyebrows. "I thought you were trying to prevent her from relying on it."
"She's not relying on it. I just figured one mid-day nurse wouldn't hurt. I'll nurse once in the morning, once mid-day and then once before bed."
He grins. "Do you enjoy it?"
"Enjoy what?" I ask.
"Nursing," he says, gesturing to us.
I nod. "Yeah, honestly. I mean, I enjoy the connection it gives us. I makes me feel more bonded with her."
He grins. "You do know you guys have a bond above nursing too, right?"
I nod. "I do, yeah."
"I just want to make sure you're not continuing to nurse because you feel like it's the only way you two are bonded or connected." He . "I don't want you to push yourself to do it longer than you want to."
I nod. "I know that, I promise that's not the reason."
He grins, nodding. "Okay."
As she nurses, I notice Willa's eyes shutting, making me laugh lightly. "Babe, can you get the little tent out that we gave her? I figure we can stay in the pool a while and she can sleep in that out here so that we're close. She's falling asleep."
He nods, climbing out of the pool and setting up the small toddler sized beach tent before grabbing a towel and laying it on the bottom to make it a little more comfortable.
Once she's fully asleep and no longer nursing, I gently lay her inside before tying my bathing suit top back around my neck and getting back into the pool, Joe's arms snaking around my waist soon enough from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder.
"Hello," he whispers.
"Hello there," I answer, placing my hands on top of his. "So I have a question."
"Ask away, my love," he says, simply holding me.
"If I were to get pregnant again."
He hums, now knowing where the conversation is headed.
"Would we tell everyone or keep it a secret."
He raises his brows. "That's an interesting question."
"Why?"
He shrugs. "I don't know, just didn't expect us to be talking about it anymore right now."
I laugh lightly, shrugging. "I'm just curious."
He lets out a breath. "I don't know. I think it genuinely depends on where we are and the band is at the time."
I nod. "I get that. I can agree with that. Like, say you're in the middle of a tour. Obviously we're gonna have to tell them."
He nods. "Right. But say we're taking some time off to focus on writing and recording. Then it would be a possibility to keep it to ourselves and make it a surprise."
"I don't think I want to, though."
He raises his eyebrows. "Really?"
I nod. "Yeah. I really struggled staying home when I was pregnant with Willa. I mean, I didn't leave the house for months. I would have to stay locked at home earlier too, because I'd start showing earlier. At least from what I hear you start showing earlier with the second."
"Oh, have we been researching?" He asks, teasing me.
I grin, intertwining our fingers as he still has his arms wrapped around me. "Maybe a little."
He chuckles.
"I don't know. I don't want to do that to Willa. I want to be able to take her outside, to the park, to run errands."
"You're still so nervous to take her out though."
I nod. "I know. But I want to get better with that. I want to take her out and if she's photographed I will cause an uproar Joe. I'm not kidding."
He nods. "I have no doubt, mama bear."
I roll my eyes, laughing lightly.
He chuckles again. "I understand where you're coming from, but I do think there's going to be at least one photo that gets out. Once that photo does get out we'll be able to make a statement saying we don't want her face photographed. As much as we don't want her photographed at all, it's basically impossible. Which is my fault and I'm sorry."
I shake my head. "No, don't apologize. Joe without your job we wouldn't be living the life that we have, and Willa wouldn't be living the amazing life she has. I know it comes with it and I've come to terms with that. I just don't want her face photographed. That's where I draw the line as her mother."
"And they need to respect that," Joe nods, kissing my shoulder. "I know I do. We just have to make sure they do."
"Well, I just don't want Willa to struggle because of my fear of her face being photographed. The entire point of not wanting her not photographed is so that she can live her life. There's no use if I don't take her out of the house."
He smiles, spinning me around in the water so that I face him and pulling me to him. "I love that you're at a point where you're more comfortable with the idea of bringing her out."
"I just don't want her to miss out on a childhood."
He grins, kissing me. "And she won't."
"But I don't know if I want her to go into public school either, Joe."
He nods slowly. "Would you want to homeschool or hire someone?"
I sigh, shaking my head. "I don't know, honestly. I want our kids to go to school but at the same time I don't."
"We have time to figure it out," he says, holding my face in his hands.
I lay my head on him, wrapping my arms around his torso. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate you being so understanding and supportive."
He kisses my head. "I want nothing more than you and Willa to be happy and healthy and feel loved."
"Do you want our kids to go to public school?"
He sighs. "I wouldn't want them to in California. But I would be more open to it if we lived in New Jersey, and they could go to the same schools Alena and Valentina do."
I nod. "I could be more open to that."
"Yeah?" he asks, raising his brows. "What if we moved somewhere else?"
I shrug. "I don't know, it would depend on where. Why? Have somewhere in mind?"
"I'm a big fan of Miami."
I raise my eyebrows. "Miami? Really?"
He chuckles, nodding. "Yeah."
I make a face. "I don't know about Miami."
He shrugs. "For now."
***
SURPRISE!
Happy Friday❤️
Leave a comment, I love to hear from you!
all my love,
shan:)