But there's darkness behind those eyes
Even when you smile - Conan Gray
Stella
Our first day in Cousins Beach was as uneventful as I expected it to be. They do the Belly Flop, we carry luggage to our rooms, Jeremiah and Belly go to the beach, Laurel and Susannah gossip. My siblings love this place, and I do too in a way, but it's not the same.
For me, life is what happens before summer. The things that matter don't happen here. I love Belly and Steven, but Cousins is the same day repeated over and over again.
When I'm with my dad on tour, life is hectic. The Six are terrible at planning, so we often have to run to make it to the show on time. We laugh. We sing. We eat from the weirdest places we can find. We do dumb shit. Freddie runs away and poor uncle Graham has to chase him around. Daisy and I talk about writing and singing. Eddie spends hours with me and our guitars, just having a good time. Warren too, he has been teaching me how to play the drums since freshman year. Aunt Karen makes us go to the beach, the mountains, or the desert depending on where we are. Mom and Julia meet us too. My life is fun. I don't need a break from it.
- Steven, if you look at that phone one more time I'm putting it on the screen basket. - Laurel snaps as I walk back into the dining room.
I was talking to dad John. He very subtly asked me how Laurel is doing and 3 minutes later said he's coming for the 4th of July with his new girlfriend.
- We wanna see your beautiful faces. - Susannah adds sweetly, as usual the sunshine to Laurel's midnight rain. - Can dinner be a screen free zone? You know, like the old days.
I take my seat next to Belly while Laurel giggles. These two have been friends for so long, it's crazy. There's this adorable picture of them as teenagers framed in the living room. Conrad once said he thought they could read each other's minds when he was a kid.
- Steven! - Jeremiah takes the lead when my brother keeps his eyes on the screen, pulling the phone away from his hand and throwing it on a chair like it's a basketball. - Boom! Nailed it.
Laughter erupts on the table and Jeremiah makes a reverence before sitting back down.
- Ok, ok, we get it. - Steven's voice has a hint of irritation to it, but it won't last more than a minute. - You've been working out. You're hot. Get over it.
Belly gasps, which makes Laurel break a smile. Susannah too. The only person at the table who doesn't look happy is Conrad.
- You're just jealous because Jere has a better body than you.
I choke on water. I'm not sure if it's the shock that Belly's talking about Jeremiah's body in any way or if it's the offended look on Steven's face. Coughs reverberate from my body for what feels like forever and Laurel reaches over to tap my back.
- Great, Belly. - Steven points to me dramatically. - Your thirsty ass almost killed our sister. - I manage to stop coughing while Belly gives him the finger. - Besides, it's all about the lean look right now. Otherwise you can't wear tailored suits.
Almost everyone at the table laughs. Almost.
- Tailored suits. - Conrad nods, the fakest smile I've ever seen plastered on his face.
- Hey, when are you leaving for training camp? - Steven turns to him, and that fake ass smile immediately drops. The entire table goes silent.
Conrad goes to training camp every summer, which makes life here easier for me. Not better, just easier. Spending time with Conrad has the side effect of turning my brain into goo. I can't think straight. I make dumb decisions.
- Connie quit football. - Jeremiah finally says and my heart skips a beat. He did what? Conrad loves football.
Laurel turns to Susannah, who shrugs.
- You quit? - Steven frowns and all Conrad gives him is a little "uhum". - Are you kidding me? I'd kill to play college ball.
My brother is a good guy, but he's also a huge moron.
- He can always change his mind. - Susannah's body language irradiates discomfort.
- I'm not going to change my mind. - Conrad argues a second too quickly. - I was just gonna sit on the bench all season anyway.
Bullshit. Utter bullshit. He's a good player, someone was bound to see it. And more importantly, he loves football. What the hell is going on with him? Being grumpy for a few weeks is one thing, but this?
- Well, if you're not playing football anymore, what are you gonna do all summer? - Laurel asks, speaking a lot more delicately than her son.
Conrad shrugs, pretending he doesn't care. He's a master at it, but it's not a perfect facade. When he looks at me a moment later, searching for disappointment, I remember how much he does care. He won't see me disappointed because I'm not. I am confused and worried about him though. About why he's acting like this.
- Dude, you could work at the club! - Steven suggests excitedly, like this is the best idea he ever had. He even taps Jeremiah's shoulder. It's adorable. - With me and Jere!
- Yeah! - His brother immediately agrees, but I know the answer will be no. - That'd be cool.
Conrad has no idea how much these morons look up to him.
- I'm not gonna work in the club. - He replies a second later, his tone angry and final.
There's something wrong with his eyes, but I can't figure out what it is. Belly starts to ask questions about what Steven and Jeremiah are working with, and she's displeased, but I'm not paying attention. Since the focus shifted away from him, Conrad dropped into the chair, exhausted. And when I realize it, my stomach plummets to the floor.
He's high. Conrad is high. Not enough for us to notice in his behavior, but his eyes are reddened. Dad Billy is an alcoholic in recovery and I have my past with drugs. Even after my dad got sober and I got help, this shit still gives me ridiculous amounts of anxiety.
- Belly! Stella! I almost forgot. - Susannah jumps up and goes to grab her purse in the living room. When she comes back, she's holding two white envelopes with the logo of Cousins Country Club on them. - I got a surprise for you two.
Jeremiah snickers. She hands each of us an envelope and there's curiosity in Laurel's eyes. Whatever this surprise is, Susannah didn't discuss it with her first.
- So this is why you had to stop by the Country Club? - Laurel asks, lost between a scowl and a chuckle. Susannah shrugs innocently.
- What is that? - Steven straightens his head, trying to look at the paper in Belly's hand from across the table.
When I read what's written on mine, I hold back from laughing out loud. My name is on the invite, but it doesn't quite fit the line underneath it. There was a mistake in formatting. Not even my name fits into this thing.
- I got Belly and Stella invitations to be debutants. - Susannah announces proudly, making Steven and Jere laugh.
I take a look at the expensive paper and run my finger over my last name. Conklin-Dunne. Dad Billy and mom would lose their shit if they saw this. Mom's too much of a feminist to like this kind of thing and dad hates everything and everyone that puts him in a position where he has to wear formal attire. He once told me his wedding was the only day he willingly put on a suit.
- Is that the thing girls wear white dresses and courtesy? - Belly can't hide the disgust in her expression.
- They have to be escorted. - My face contorts in a grimace and Jeremiah laughs. - And the white dresses reference virginity.
That one is long gone, at least for me.
- It's when a girl comes of age and is presented to society. - If Susannah smiles more, her face might break. - I know it sounds silly, but I swear it's fun. Girls come from all over New England to Cousins just to be a part of it. - Laurel downs the rest of her drinking while rolling her eyes. - You could make so many new friends.
Susannah is trying harder to convince Belly than me, probably because she knows I'll never do something like this.
- I can't believe you're holding on to this archaic dream. - I hear my mother speaking through Laurel for a second.
- It's not like that anymore! - Susannah argues. - It used to be about finding a husband, but now it's all about networking. - Her eyes switch between Laurel and Belly. - They teach you leadership skills, like how to market yourself. - Conrad scoffs, but Susanah doesn't stop. - And it benefits charity. It's like a bat mitzvah.
I don't say anything. I want to, but I'm the guest and she's the house owner. Besides, my ex stepmom is just a second behind me.
- It's not like a bat mitzvah! - Laurel argues, filling her glass with more champagne. - There's nothing religious about a debutante ball. It's just rich people being rich. And sexist.
- The whole deb scene is bullshit. - Conrad adds. If he doesn't approve there's no way Belly is going to do it. - It's for sheep.
Jeremiah and Steven agree loudly, but Susannah isn't ready to give up.
- No, it's not. - She raises the glass her best friend just filled for her. - When a girl has a coming out, it's a formal recognition that she's reached maturity.
Steven nearly spits his food.
- I'm sorry, what? Maturity? - He turns to Susannah. - A couple months ago Belly had a cat funeral. She made us wear black.
- Shut up, Steven! - Belly shouts. It amazes me the amount of times she can say this in a single day. - I saw you crying in your room.
- I didn't know Mochi died. - I turn to my sister. - What happened?
- She got sick. - Belly looks down. - Normal cat stuff.
- Dang. I'm sorry, Bells. - Jere says, but I'm not sure she listens.
No sorry to Steven even though we all know how much he loved Mochi. Jeremiah couldn't be more obvious if he tried.
- Belly. - When Susannah calls her, I see a little sparkle in my sister's eyes. No fucking way. She can't actually be thinking about doing this. - Don't you wanna get all dressed up?
- It's not her kind of thing. - Laurel says, playing with Belly's hair like she's a kid. - She's our feral little alley cat.
Jeremiah and Steven burst into laughter again. Jere tries to hide it, but ultimately fails.
- Alright. - Belly nods confidently and Steven's jaw drops. - I'll do it. It sounds like fun.
- Are you serious? - Laurel doesn't even try to hide the sadness in her voice. - I didn't expect that from you.
- Well, I am my own person. - My sister replies, showing a confidence I've never seen in her before. - I'm going to be a debutante.
Despite everything, I smile. I don't love the idea of Belly being in such a stupid tradition, but I do love that she's standing up for herself and doing what she wants.
Susannah smiles and claps her hands, but continues to look between me and my sister.
- And so is Stella. - Belly finalizes, slightly raising her glass like she's making a toast.
My smile drops and Susannah rubs her hands together like a cartoon supervillain. Oh, this wicked woman. She might seem sweet and innocent, but this was a mastermind play. Cornering us at dinner, targeting Belly first. She's good.
- I am? - I turn to Belly, ignoring the burnt of Conrad's stare on the side of my head and the jokes Jeremiah and Steven are making. Something about the two of us being sheep.
- Yes. - Belly turns to me, her expression softening. - I need you there with me.
On the other side of the table, Conrad scoffs. We had this conversation before. He doesn't think I should spoil Belly the way I do, but I can't help it. She and Julia are my babies.
- Fine. - I agree, feeling my chest burn, but it's worth it when I see the pure joy in her face. This is gonna suck, but at least I'll make her happy. Susannah stands up to do a happy dance.
- It'll be so much fun! - The dance leads her to the space behind our chairs. She kisses the top of Belly's head and then mine before giving Laurel a hug from behind. - Oh, you two will look so pretty all dolled up.
- They already look beautiful. - Laurel argues, but makes sure to hug her back.
- I'm gonna regret this, right? - I ask the room, more as a joke than anything, but Conrad takes it too seriously.
- You'll probably have more "fun"... - He somehow uses air quotes aggressively. - Eating glass.
He's not wrong. A sad look takes over Susannah's face and the silly atmosphere of 5 seconds ago dies. Jeremiah glares at his big brother, who in return sips on his drink like he didn't just ruin his mother's moment. Susannah sits back at the end of the table in silence.
- You know you don't have to be such a pain in the ass all the time, right? - Jeremiah comes to his mother's defense. God bless this boy, he's too good for this world. - Maybe slow down on the alcohol.
He's just saying that because he's mad, Conrad didn't drink half of his glass.
- Come on, Jere. You're smarter than that. - There's poison dripping from his words. - Alcohol doesn't turn you into another person. The decisions you made while drunk mean something.
Belly, Steven and Jeremiah start arguing with him, not noticing the subtext, but my blood turns to ice. He can't be serious. The others think he's talking about drunk decisions in general, but he's not. Conrad's talking about a decision we made after drinking too much. A string of decisions. Leaving the party early. Hiding in his room so Laurel wouldn't find out we were drunk. Playing that stupid card game his friend left behind. Doing that dare. It wasn't one big decision. It was a hundred tiny little choices.
- So drunk words are sober thoughts? - Laurel asks, giving Conrad a questioning glance. He nods. - I don't think it's that simple, Connie. I've done things while drunk that I wouldn't have done sober.
- Maybe, but there was a part of you that wanted to do that thing before. - He shrugs, taking the rest of his champagne in one gulp. - Alcohol makes you impulsive, it doesn't change who you are.
- It changes enough. - It takes me a herculean effort to hide the anger in my voice. - There's a reason why you can't be a reliable witness if you were wasted. Drunk people don't see things as they are and they act irrationally. - I look dead into his dilated pupils. - People screw up. Alcohol intake doesn't make it any less of a mistake.
- Thank you! - Jeremiah raises his hand, and I force myself to high five him.
Belly starts arguing with Jeremiah. She mostly agrees with Conrad, because of course she does, and this talking fills up the rest of the first night's dinner. This is the essence of summer in Cousins Beach, it's the same panic but a different disco. But for whatever reason, I feel like that's about to change. And not necessarily for the better.