"I don't know, Jimin.."
The voice from the other side came out strained, as if his best friend was doing something other than dancing and Taehyung didn't want to go there with his imagination skills. Knowing that Jimin has all ears to him, even if he was murdering someone, Taehyung continued with his ramble while curling to himself on the couch, in their shared apartment.
His glance got struck by the rain drops hitting the window, the splattering sound making a rhythm with his heartbeats, mind feeling at ease after the chaos had ended for good, even if it took a little time for him to accept wholly.
He had found ways to stop his raging heart from thinking about that one thing that would squeeze the life out of him, and he started doing something productive again, that is- painting.
"It felt like I was talking to myself. As if I was standing in front of a mirror and the reflection was talking to me"
He had never thought to share that experience with anyone. But weeks later, here he was, reminiscing about what happened at the library, what he saw like a dream in between his short nap.
Now that he felt it was safe to touch that topic again, he oh so badly wanted to talk to Jimin about it and it had nothing to do with his best friend nagging him day and night to get something out of him about what really happened between Taehyung and---
"It must be some dream, Tae. You know how weird library naps could get"
Oh, he knows. Once he was sleeping on his usual table with his Philosophy note open, drooling on the pages and after an hour when he opened his eyes he was right on the table of--
"Tae, you there?"
Jimin panted hard through the phone and Taehyung scrunched up his nose while shifting his body slightly on the couch.
"Are you sure you're really dancing, Diminie? Or are you making out with Hobi--"
Knock.
Taehyung could hear Jimin cursing at him, saying that the call was on loudspeaker but he didn't care since the knocking on their apartment door did not seem to stop.
He sprinted on his legs with a puzzled expression on his face, thinking how it was a rainy evening and no one in their right mind would go to other dorm rooms- unless they wanted to prank.
He walked cautiously towards the door, not hanging up on the phone in his hand, and took the ketchup bottle in his other hand- for safety measures, of course- not that he was planning to use them.
He tried his level best to ignore the screaming of Jimin through the phone and twisted the doorknob.
"Tae, who's at the door? Don't open it if you can't see them through the peephole. I swear to God, if it's that Mark and his friends again invite you to that weird party, then I'm going to--"
"--Kook--!"
"Okay, never mind"
Before Taehyung could register everything, the phone in his hand beeped, indicating that Jimin had cut the call and would probably be biting his nails thinking about the million ways to get out of the dance studio and reach Taehyung.
He wanted to laugh at the thought but it all came back to his senses when he held his gaze straight with the man in front of him.
It was really Jeon Jungkook, gone the liveliness of his face, completely drained in the rain, face pale, dark circles under his eyes, hair sticking to his forehead, lips chapped as if he sucked the blood dry out of them, hands curled into a fist and looking like a total debacle in front of him.
Taehyung held his breath tight while looking at the younger. He knew the chain of hurt was slowly starting to sting from the back of his head, filling tears in his eyes but he was also aware that he came too far from the pain and suffering.
Taehyung was Jungkook-less before when he was in love with the man. Now that he confessed his feelings, he was still the one without his lover. So, he had told his heart to keep patience while healing because maybe love was written for all, but togetherness was not written for some.
Taehyung and Jungkook are lovers but they can't be together. The good thing was, both of them had accepted it by now.
"What are you doin--"
"Taehyung!"
They both said simultaneously, louder than a whisper and it reverberated in the air. Taehyung sounded like a boy who got hurt and Jungkook's voice sounded like a cry for help, as if he didn't know what else to say. They both stared into their eyes with emotions brimmed up, but not knowing how to name them or confront them. Taehyung had a lot to ask.
'How did you find my room?'
'Why are you drenched in rain?'
'What are you doing here at this moment?'
'How is your prince?'
'Do you miss him?'
"Taehyung!"
'Do you love him more than I love you?'
Jungkook's strained voice snapped him out of his trance and he realized that they were standing in the doorway, with Taehyung holding the door and Jungkook looking at him anticipating.
He moved a little while opening the door, silently letting Jungkook in and the other took the hint as he walked hesitantly, placing his boot next to the shoe rack. Taehyung noticed how Jungkook didn't bother to wear slippers inside, though the floor was cold and well, Jungkook was completely drenched.
"I know I shouldn't--"
"Then why are you here, Jungkook?"
The outburst probably wasn't something Jungkook was expecting, neither was Taehyung. But it came out of him like that because his emotional system just got fvcked up after the sight of Jeon Jungkook.
The least he could do was stay silent and listen to Jungkook's explanation about whatever was going on in his head but Taehyung thought that it was too pricey for him at that moment because both his mind and heart wanted to pamper the other and wrap him in a warm hug.
'Unfortunately, we both can't have him, Taehyung'
There was that dream and voice inside his head again, twirling like a hurricane but then he noticed that Jungkook had stopped following him to the couch. Taehyung turned around to see a flabbergasted Jungkook, fiddling with the hem of his shirt sleeve.
"Stay here. I'll get you some clothes and warm--
"No. I'm just here to talk about something. And I'm really fine with--"
Taehyung shrugged at him, letting Jungkook do whatever he wanted while in there because he just wanted it to end, the moment to pass. At the same time, he was memorizing every second, every movement of the other. After all, it was Jeon Jungkook for him, his beloved Jungkook.
Seconds passed, with their heavy breathings lingering in the air, anticipation draining them to the core. Taehyung looked at Jungkook, waiting for the man to say what he was mulling over at that moment.
Every time his gaze landed on Jungkook, it reminded him of all the things he could ask for. It was just this man right in front of him, and out of everything, he couldn't have it. The thought hurt, but Taehyung had learned for the better, trying to change for the better.
The thing is, Jungkook doesn't know that. And he doesn't know why he always finds himself at Taehyung's doorstep, with his drenched heart and broken soul in his arms.
Maybe because Taehyung had always opened the door for him, never shut it in front of his face. Maybe it's because he knew more than Taehyung that he would end up there and Taehyung would have him in his arms.
It's unfair, Jungkook knows. But it's all that was happening with him as if fate itself wished him that.
"I know you now know about my--- so, it's just"
"You don't have to do this if you're really not ready and if you think that you can't trust me"
Taehyung mumbled, walking towards the bathroom, and came back with a fresh white towel in his hand. Jungkook's eyes widened at the gesture but he took the towel without any question and wiped his hair and body with it while Taehyung kept his eyes on the raindrops hitting the glass window.
"I trust you, Taehyung. That's why I'm here."
Jungkook was then next to him, so close that Taehyung could feel the petrichor and the faint cologne of the man with every whiff. He could feel even after it was too cold with the rain, and Jungkook's wet-clad clothes, there was warmth. A sensation of warmth that he missed so much that he never knew he needed to survive in the first place.
"It's Kim Hansung I'm in love with. I know it may be stupid of me to love someone---"
"No love is stupid, Jungkook. You of all people would know that"
There was an electric touch on his hand and when Taehyung turned to look, he found it was Jungkook. The younger was indeed holding his fingers, hesitant yet the touch was there, establishing and churning something in his stomach.
This is trouble. All of this is trouble, Taehyung knows. But he didn't know how to escape when it came to going down with Jungkook.
"I don't see you as him."
"What!"
"You're not him and he's not you. You two are poles apart."
"Of course!" Taehyung had scoffed at the words as if he already knew what Jungkook was about to say. The surprised expression on Jungkook's face made Taehyung wince internally, but then the lingering touch of the younger brought him back to reality.
"Every time I paint his face, I only see him. No matter how many times Yoongi hyung argues with me, or I try to scrutinize my paintings, I know it's Kim Hansung, and not you, Kim Taehyung."
The elder knew Jungkook was trying to let out his heart, even though it might be hurting him like hell poured over him. But, call him selfish, Taehyung wanted to know. He always wanted to know Jungkook and every little thing about him.
So, he listened, now facing the man with his delicate expression, letting Jungkook know that it was okay for him to be gentle with his emotions or tough with his words, Taehyung didn't mind as long as he could hear Jungkook talk to him.
Love makes you do weird things, even after making you feel whole and then nothing.
"Your eyes are long and feline, you hold love in them while Han's wide eyes only know pain. Your touch--- it's warm on my hand, but Han feels cold, with cravings.
You laugh out with friends and Han just-- he only has me, he wanted our love to bloom. You live your life on your terms and Han... he gave up everything even before me.
I'm not-- I understand you two are different but I don't understand why you both had to love me and get hurt in the end.
I don't understand how I could be so selfish and not see your love and how I could not go back to my Han and hold him"
It says a million times that you shouldn't get stuck on your past to ruin the beauty of your present and an even beautiful future. But Jungkook couldn't do anything about it. He was destroying himself and not even a slight regret passed through his senses. He didn't care. Until now.
Until now he saw a teardrop falling from Taehyung's eyes and he was witnessing someone breaking themselves right in front of him. Jungkook may not relate to the pain of Taehyung but Taehyung's eyes tell.
Everything was crystal clear in there and he wished to have some power to erase the pain of the elder. He wished to erase Taehyung's love for him; the reason for his pain.
"I can't love you, Taehyung."
"It's not worth it, Jungkook. We both already know that. But I want to tell you that I loved you even before you could imagine, even before you knew about me."
Loved.
The rest of Taehyung's words were in a blur and Jungkook's heartbeat stumbled upon that word. Does that mean Taehyung--
"-- Kook? Jungkook!?"
"Will you stop loving me?"
Both of them were startled by the way Jungkook's voice cracked, his doe eyes widened and suddenly Jungkook's touch felt cold. Taehyung raised his eyebrow at that, not knowing what to tell the other.
"Wouldn't that be easier for you than waiting for me to love you back? Just hate me, Taehyung-"
"You don't get to tell me what to do with my love. I chose this for me and--"
"You chose to hurt yourself for someone who isn't even worth it"
Taehyung stayed quiet for some time, feeling there was no need to tell Jungkook what his mind was screaming because the younger totally believed in something else. But Taehyung doesn't like it when Jungkook tells him that his love is not worth it. Jungkook doesn't know anything.
"What will you do if you get another chance? Will you go?"
Jungkook nodded at him like an enthusiastic kid saying yes to more ice cream. The action made Taehyung smile at him innocently. This is one of the reasons he fell for Jungkook. He was too pure for this world.
"Will you take me with you?"
That made Jungkook quizzically raise his eyebrows. Taehyung stood nonchalant, not even embarrassed.
"Can I come with you?"
"Ye-yes... But..."
But? Taehyung held his heart on his sleeves, fear seeped through his veins, afraid of rejection.
"But I can't go. Not to the past, not to the same place again."
Then it hit Taehyung. When Both Yoongi and Jungkook swear that Jungkook can't have his lover, Taehyung couldn't believe them. Now that Jungkook said the reason, he felt like a gut-wrenching pain in his head and heart. It was only growing, tearing his skin, and poisoning his blood. He couldn't breathe.
"Hey, you don't have to--"
In his blurred vision, the last thing Taehyung saw was Jungkook reaching out to wipe the tears on his cheeks but before the younger could bring himself to do anything, Taehyung leaned forward, securing a hug in between Jungkook's arms.
The younger stiffened at the sudden action, his hands were not touching Taehyung, not hugging him back until he heard a small sniffle.
Taehyung clutched Jungkook's shirt tight in his hands and wrapped his arms around the man's neck tightly. He was afraid that Jungkook would push him away but that force didn't come.
In fact, he felt warm and safe when the strong hands curled around him, gently patting his hair, while the soft voice of Jungkook told him sweet nothing in his ears. It was wrong, but it was the only right thing that came into their messy heads.
Jungkook let Taehyung cry for another good minute, letting out both of their pain while holding him tight. They both didn't care how Jungkook was wet from the rain and how Taehyung felt small and vulnerable at that moment.
After a while, Jungkook whispered in his soft voice, still patting the back of Taehyung's head, his silky black hair soft under his touch.
"Hey, Taehyung. If you ever get a chance to time-travel, where would you go?"
Even if Jungkook didn't know, Taehyung had thought about it, way before everything had started. When he was little and he used to write about the superpower he wanted as time-traveling, Taehyung had a plan where to visit when he would ever get a chance.
He raised his head enough to talk, without releasing the hold. He didn't know why he was still clutching onto the other, but then again, Jungkook was not pushing him away either.
"I--- grew up with my grandparents, back in Daegu. They used to have a farmhouse there, a really big one with a big beautiful garden, pets and birds, a pond and a tree house.
I saw my grandparents growing together in love there, while my siblings ran around the house and our parents would call out to us to have dinner. It was such a great time. But---"
Taehyung paused for a moment to look at the window, gulping a hard lump in his throat while his hold on Jungkook loosened.
"What happened?"
"My parents had to put it on lease after our grandparents passed away."
Taehyung heard Jungkook mumbling a soft apology against his hair, and he nodded slightly. He wanted to move away, now that he shared a sensitive part of himself with Jungkook but the other was still holding onto him and Taehyung was afraid he might feel cold if he released the clutch on Jungkook. So, he chose to be selfish for a little more time.
"I saw tigerlilies there.
I promised myself to go back when the tigerlilies bloom.
But, I couldn't, not in years. And, I don't feel like I would ever visit that place again, now that things are--- you know... So... I would like to go to the future"
"Huh?"
Jungkook replied as if he was snapped back to reality from a dream. He was so immersed in Taehyung's talking that he forgot he was the one who asked a question in the first place. Taehyung chuckled at him softly before continuing.
"I would like to time-travel to my grandparents' farmhouse, years after now, probably when I'm in my forties, and would love to see whether the tigerlilies bloomed or not"
"That's--"
Jungkook's words trailed off and Taehyung cut him in mid-sentence.
"Stupid and impossible, right? I know. I mean who would want to see the future of a farmhouse instead--"
"Hold my hands and turn around."
Before he could even register, Jungkook had turned him towards the direction of the floor-to-ceiling glass window, linked their hands, and hugged him from behind. Taehyung could count Jungkook's heartbeats while standing like that and he knew his own would be the same and thrumming hard against his ribcage.
Jungkook's head rested on his shoulder blade, lips grazing at Taehyung's earlobe, so delicate that the elder had to bite his lips to stop himself from falling on the floor. It felt too much on his poor heart, but then Jungkook whispered out, easing his uncomfortableness and puzzled emotions.
"I, too, want to see the forty-year-old Taehyung in his old farmhouse with pets and birds, with kids running around his garden and his tigerlilies in full bloom. "
And then, Taehyung felt Jungkook's eyelashes fluttering close against his cheeks, lips stretching to a smile, his breathing landed at the crook of Taehyung's neck, all this while his body pressed against Jungkook's strong one.
The electric feeling between them was back again and Taehyung almost cursed when his eyes fell shut as if he was lulled to sleep, as if he was seeing a beautiful dream.
Only the dream was not black and white like his life now, but colorful with hydrangeas, peals of laughter in the air, kitten paws everywhere and yet he searched for the tigerlilies in bloom.
°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•
Oh, here we are!
What y'all got to say about that now?!
(Ps. I didn't lie when I said Jungkook has his reason to distinguish between Hansung and Taehyung)
Don't forget to leave your thoughts and votes...
See you soon...
~AnecdotesOfABroken