Gio
MAY 1998
After school, I got in my car and drove over to Ren's house. We've been taking separate cars recently, even though I missed picking her up. Ever since she told me about going to that college in New York, things had felt... different between us.
It was my fault, and I knew it. I was distancing myself, pulling away. But that's because I was trying to protect myself. I knew what was going to happen. I'd known it deep down since she got that letter. She was gonna leave... and take the best part of me with her.
I was trying to see if I could get that back—to the me I was before I met her, but it wasn't working.
As I got closer to her house. That all too familiar sense of impending disaster was taking hold of me again. My chest tightened, and my heart rate felt unnaturally fast. My anxiety was getting a bit out of hand recently.
Something needed to give, and even though I didn't want to know what it would be like to live without her, I was so tired of being in limbo—carrying around this painful, pitiful hope in my heart that she might just change her mind and stay with me. I needed a decision from her tonight.
I knew it was stupid to hope for that. I knew what I was supposed to do. Tell her to go. It was in her best interest to choose the school in New York. But I was still so selfish back then. I thought our love was special—fated to last forever. That we both needed each other more than she needed that school. But the truth was... only I needed her like that.
Pulling my car up in her driveway, I took deep breaths to steady myself. I didn't know how I would cope if she told me no.
When I got to her house, I just knocked and went in. I'd been coming over at least one night a week to hang out with Ren's dad and watch a sports game. It started at the beginning of the school year when football season began, but he and I enjoyed it so much that it kinda became a tradition. Tonight, the NBA playoffs were on, but I wasn't sure I'd actually be staying to watch. Fuck that made me so sad! I wasn't just going to lose her. I was going to lose her whole family. Ren's dad came over to greet me.
"How's it going, Gio?" he said with a concerned face.
I swallowed the huge knot in my throat the look in his eyes gave me. "Fine," but my voice cracked a little at the end.
"Hey there, buddy. It'll be okay," he said, pulling me into a hug and wrapping his arms around me. I might be almost as tall as him now, but he's still a big guy, and damn it, it... it felt good.
Too good.
The knot came shooting back up to the top of my esophagus, and I knew if he hugged me any longer, I'd break down and cry. I couldn't do that, so I pushed him away.
"I'm gonna go see Ren now," I said, my voice deep and raspy.
Walking up her stairs felt like a walk to the executioners. I got to her door and peeked through the crack. I saw her on her bed, nervously playing with the necklace I had given her—zipping it back and forth along the chain around her neck. I pushed the door open, and the awful dread in my belly intensified.
"Hey, Ren," I said, not meeting her eyes. It felt wrong to call her babe recently, though that's what I'd been calling her every day for over a year. The atmosphere was already strained. I took a seat on her bed.
"Hey," she sighed, not looking right at me either.
Just a few weeks ago, we'd be in each other arms and making out on her bed practically before we'd even properly said hello. Now, we were sitting three feet apart—staring at our shoes.
"So..."
So..." she echoed back.
Fuck it. Here goes nothing.
"Come on, Ren, how long are you going to keep dragging this out!" I said angrily to keep my tears in check.
"It's hard, Gio. This hasn't been easy for me."
I stood up and faced her. "Do you think this is easy for me? It's killing me. I feel like you're hanging me out to dry, and I'm at your mercy for a decision," I said, flailing gestures with my hands to accentuate my points.
"Well, I haven't made up my mind yet!"
"Why! Why can't you just choose The Academy?" I insisted, giving it one last push.
She stood up and shouted at me, "Because the Academy will never be Parsons!"
Fuck. Fuck. The knot in my throat doubled in size, and my heart started to bleed. I muscled up some more anger.
"Uhh, that's it then! You're choosing you over us!"
"Wouldn't you? If, if you had a dream to be, like, a famous Formula One racer and you had to choose between staying together and your dream job, wouldn't you choose that?"
What the fuck kinda ridiculous analogy is that? "I'm never gonna be a famous Formula One driver, Ren!"
She rolled her eyes, frustrated, "It's hypothetical, Gio!"
"I get that!" I raged, completely losing my cool. "Ugh!!"
I was so worked up by this point I thought I might have to punch a hole in the wall not to cry, and I would have if we were in my bedroom, but I restrained myself. Instead, I sat down on the bed, hiding my face in my arms, and wrung my hands through my hair.
"Gio, can't we just change our plans? Maybe... maybe we can do a long-distance thing, and you can apply to colleges in New York in the fall?"
Fuck that. I'd been over that scenario and others a million times in my head, and it always ended badly.
"No," I murmured.
"Why not?"
"I can't move to New York, Ren! I keep telling you that! I'm not leaving my mom. She still needs me. My brother's left the area, and I'm all she has for help with Kiki and her business." I let out a frustrated sigh. "Even if that wasn't an issue. I might not even be able to afford college next year if I can't get a good scholarship. In-state tuitions are so much less expensive."
In all honesty, college for me was always more of a pipe dream than anything. Even with good grades, I didn't think I'd qualify for any scholarships. My mom had no savings. Lately, I'd been chipping in to pay the bills sometimes, or some months, she couldn't even pay me for the work I did. Ren, on the other hand, had her rich mom to pay for her school. She didn't have money worries. She didn't even have to think about that kind of stuff.
But she was, without a doubt, the best thing in my life.
"Please, Baby," I continued, taking her hand and moving closer. "I hate to ask you to settle if that's how you really see it. But... I don't know what I'm going to do without you."
I tried to capture her eyes with mine. It was unfair. I knew the effect they had on her, and right then, they were sparkling with tearful emotion. But she just looked down, unable to meet them.
My heart hurt so much over the fact that, for the second time, someone I loved so much was choosing themselves over me. How could she just up and leave me? Exactly like my dad left... to follow a dream.
"Ren, please," I begged her, unable to produce anything more than a whisper. "Please don't leave me too."
"Gio, I don't want to leave you," she whimpered, still looking in her lap. "I want to stay with you, and we'll figure it out. See where it takes us. Who knows what will happen?"
Here is comes...
"I want to go to Parsons," she stated, finally looking right at me.
Boom. There it was. I fucking called it. It's done.
A crushing silence filled the room, and Ren braced herself for my reaction.
Even I thought I was going to get angry hearing that. Yell. But I suddenly felt immobile. I just sat there on the bed feeling frozen, numbed out. Moments went by where I just stared into space, and then suddenly, I felt like I was going to burst into tears or throw up, and I had to get out of there. I stood up, but as I moved to the door, I stumbled a bit. Ren leaped up and tried to hold me from leaving.
I shrugged her off. "Bye, Lauren."
"No! Don't, don't go," she cried.
"I can't be with you right now!" my voice raised and ragged, trying so hard to hold back the flow of tears.
"Please, please don't cut our time even shorter," she begged me. She played with the edges of my open button-up shirt as she spoke. "You can't go. We'll find a way. If we are meant to be, it'll all work out—just like you said."
The lump in my throat was like a giant, acidy stone.
"Guess I was wrong," I said stiffly, edging my way to the door.
She got in my way again and started sobbing, pushing against me with her full strength as I pushed forward, "No, no, no. Don't go. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I—" her tears and her words came flooding out—she seemed helpless to stop them. She was falling to pieces.
And she was breaking me up, too.
So, forcefully, I grabbed her. I held her close to me to make her shut up, with one arm wrapped firmly around her back, the other around her shoulder, my hand cradled her head tight to my chest. And she calmed while I fell apart—silent tears finally ran down my cheeks.
"Okay, Okay, I'll stay," I said. Then, with my voice as tight as a piano string, "Fuck! Why do I love you so fucking much?"
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