My anxiety tells me
That you're better without me
Now I'm crying alone - Mckenna Grace
2 and a half years ago...
Stella
I'm a coward. A little girl hiding in the shadows, scared of facing the consequences of her actions. And that's why, instead of being at Thanksgiving dinner with my siblings and the Fishers, I'm hiding in their library.
Their house is insane, which is ironic coming from me. My home might be bigger, but it's not fancy. There's always dog and kids toys in the corners, Julia's drawings and newspaper clippings of my performances take over the refrigerator, mom's photos are everywhere and dad's scribbled lyrics can be found on post-its, napkins, grocery store bags, corners of furniture, literally anywhere. Our house is cluttered but in a good way.
The Fisher's house screams class. Not a speck of dust is seen anywhere, there's nothing out of place, the white carpet doesn't have stains and they have a piano that doesn't have any bite marks in it. I wish I could say Freddie was the one who bit dad Billy's piano, but it was Julia when she was a baby. The house has two floors, a patio, 8 bedrooms, two living rooms, a fancy kitchen, an office for Adam, and a painting room for Susannah.
And of course, my favorite part, the library. It has those moving stairs like Beauty and the Beast, a fireplace, comfy chairs for reading, and a lot of paintings Susannah made over the years.
I'm here because I'm hiding from Conrad. This is the first time we've seen each other after what happened at the neon party, he left for training camp the very next day. I couldn't look at him. Still can't. Part of me is scared Belly will see the guilt in my eyes if she catches me looking. Or that Steven will notice the tension. Or worse, Laurel and dad John. I have no idea how they'd react if they found out what I did. Or everything else that happened since that night.
I'm different now. I don't write music anymore. I barely sing these days. My hair is blond, for fuck's sake. Life is wrong.
I'm too distracted in my mind to notice someone walking in until said person has locked the door. I cover my mouth with my hands. I know that stride. I know who's the only person in the family that keeps the library keys in his keychain.
- I know you're here. - Conrad says, his voice empty of any emotion. - I'm not in any hurry. We might as well be here until someone notices we're both gone.
Asshole. Fucking jerk. He knows this is the last thing I want.
- The choice is yours, Star.
My old nickname stings. Everyone stopped using it because I asked them to. It doesn't feel right. After what happened....
I stand up and walk from behind the shelf. The shots I did with my brother and Jeremiah earlier are buzzing in my bloodstream. Conrad is on his mother's chair. There are two options: Adam's chair or the little bench Susannah lays her feet at when she's reading here. I sit on the bench, my eyes on the fluffy carpet.
- What do you want?
Conrad leans over, hooks his fingers under my chin and carefully lifts my face. The anger in his eyes melts away, replaced by something that looks a lot like concern.
- I just wanna talk. - His voice is softer now. The grip of his fingers on my face is firm, but not painful.
- We have nothing to talk about. - I force myself to say the words I've been rehearsing ever since Belly told me we'd be spending Thanksgiving here. - We made a mistake. That's it, that's all that happened. No use talking about it.
He flinches, taking his hand away from me. I hate it. The pain in Conrad's face is a punch to the stomach. I don't let myself falter. It's for the best. Nothing good could come out of this. Nothing that would last. We'd burn each other alive.
- Is that really how you feel? - He rests his arms on his knees, leaning close to me again. - Or are you saying those things because of Belly?
He had never said anything before, but I'm not surprised. My little sister isn't subtle, anyone who spends 5 minutes with her and Conrad will figure out she likes him. She has admitted to me and Taylor, and we were forced to pretend to be shocked. We knew already. Everyone does.
Susannah dreams of a future when the two of them get married. She told Belly that, ever since she was born, she knew my sister was destined to be with one of her boys. Which is gross and inappropriate, but I never said that out loud. Laurel mostly likes the idea of her best friend being a part of the family.
- Two things can be true at once. - The lie makes a bitter taste take over my mouth.
I don't feel this way. I don't want it to be over, but I can't. He deserves better, and I'm not willing to sacrifice my relationship with Belly for something that would end badly anyway.
- That's it? - A hint of desperation colors Conrad's voice. - Just like that? We're done?
- Done? - I scoff. I'm a liar. - What do you mean done? We never began. Just call me another one of your conquests and move on with your day.
His hands clench, but other than that he doesn't move. Conrad doesn't have the same reputation as Jeremiah in terms of being a player, but he had his share. His best friend, Trevor, told us about it on a day he visited the beach house last summer. Belly was devastated to learn how many girlfriends and hookups Conrad had up to that point. There's probably been more since, but I don't wanna hear about it. He might've been my first, but he wasn't the last. There were 6 other times with 4 other guys, plus the one I don't count.
- Do you truly think so little of me? - His eyes are covered in tears, but he doesn't let them fall.
He gives me the chance to cause damage. I have to take it, get him away from me before I destroy him.
- I don't think about you at all, Conrad. - My voice doesn't shake. There's no tears in my eyes.
Conrad doesn't react right away. It takes a moment, but one traitor tear slides down his cheek. Then he stands up, unlocks the door, and walks away without looking back. I take a deep breath, get some random book, and go back to the dining room, joking about how the library is a maze and it's essentially impossible to find anything there without a guide.
No one notices anything or mentions the fact Conrad didn't come back. Dinner moves on, they talk about the most random things, and I listen. I laugh. It's a lie. It's all a lie. I'm a liar. I'm a coward. And Conrad deserves better than that.
Conrad
I cried for an hour. I know because the clock by the staircase was announcing that it was 8 pm when I ran upstairs, and now, even from my bedroom, I hear it striking 9 pm. I'm on the floor, my back leaning against the door.
Stella's a good liar, I'll give her that. I could tell she was full of shit but it still hurt like hell to hear those words. She was the only thing I could think of at training camp and over the past five months. And contrary to what she said, there was no one else since her. I didn't want those girls. I wanted Stella, simple as that. And if I couldn't be with her, then I'd rather be alone.
Something is going on with her. The blond hair, the fact she didn't talk about music all day, she even drank alcohol with Steven and Jere when the parents were distracted. Dad Billy is an alcoholic, she doesn't drink. Something happened to Stella. Something bad.
Or maybe it's about her sister. There's no other explanation as to why she'd run away like this. A deluded part of Belly's mind thinks we'll be together one day, and to make it worse, my mom shares that sentiment. Talking to that girl is a minefield because she remembers everything I say. The fact she's a child looking at me like I'm her romantic savior shouldn't be normal or alright, but it is. I don't complain. Mom needs Laurel, so for her sake, I endure it even though I hate it.
The thing is, I won't see Stella unless Belly is there. She has no connection to my family, she wouldn't be here if Laurel, Steven, and Belly weren't. It's a delicate balance that I've been learning for so long I don't even know. What happened at the neon party wasn't the beginning for me. And I'm really hoping it wasn't the end for her.