Present
I find it quite strange how I missed him as soon as he left. In the car at the train station, I didn't want to get out. I leaned over on his side begging him for one more kiss. He told me he'd come see me in Italy after the Monza race, but it seemed so damn far away.
I came back to my very empty apartment. It's filled with stuff, but it's empty and silent. So I had to distract myself. I unpacked, cleaned, cooked, and everyday I tried to keep myself occupied with work. I was in the dance studio teaching choreographies, making new ones and helping out some other coaches who had clients they wanted a second opinion on when something didn't look right in their routines.
My life had gone to checking my phone at every free moment I got, hoping to see a text from Charles. Whenever I did have a text from him, it brought the biggest smile to my face. Whenever we both had the time we'd be on the phone. I felt like a teenager again, lying on my bed, talking to him with the cheesiest smile on my face.
I was going insane not seeing him. Italy really couldn't come fast enough. I even called Evie and I told her about my frustration of being away from him and knowing that I would have to be away from him even longer when he goes to race the second half of the season. She even offered to go with me and make me a Red Bull guest to make it less suspicious, but I think people would think I'm taking a stand against Charles while Max and Charles are the two competing for the title.
My skin was crawling whenever I thought back on our time together in Alassio. Just a few days made the biggest difference. I decided that I'm all in it, and I'm prepared to do whatever to make sure we can work. Though, that means bringing up some topics I thought I would never have to bring up again. I will in due time.
A few days and I was already craving more time with him. It's like a relapse. All it takes is one misstep and you fall off the wagon. Though, this isn't nearly as bad as a relapse. It's actually quite the opposite.
He came all the way to Costa Rica to show me he truly wants me back. He seems so serious about it. He really wants this to work and he doesn't just say it but he's showing it. I know I have been doubting him, myself and us together, but I haven't been really open with him either. Sometimes I get angry at myself for holding myself back. I truly have an angel and a devil on my shoulder, but I don't think I like any of them. One is a coward and the other one is just cruel.
But I got a brilliant idea. At least I thought it was a brilliant idea when I got my suitcase out, packed it, got into my car and headed to Monza without telling anyone but Giulia and Lewis Hamilton who was most likely to keep my visit a secret while also being able to get me a paddock pass in time.
Luckily I wasn't the only one driving my Ferrari to Monza ahead of the Grand Prix. People who own them use the weekend as a good time to show it off to a bunch of Ferrari fans. But I parked mine in the parking garage of the only hotel I could find in the area that was free. But because it was free, it was fucking expensive.
I don't think I realized what I was doing until Thursday evening when I had just settled into my room after the three hour drive. What if Pascale is attending? Or Arthur and Lorenzo? Carla and Charlotte? How the hell would I be able to hide from them? Maybe I should've thought it through, but I was just so excited to see Charles. But how would I even approach him? He doesn't know I'm here. I can't just show up and talk to him without it getting attention.
Maybe I messed up.
I was looking out of my window, seeing and hearing Ferrari fans cheering on the street. There is always a lot going on ahead of the race. I kind of wanted to be one of the fans down there on the street, dressing up in my merch and drinking with other people who liked the same things I did.
My phone starts ringing on the nightstand and I know it's probably Charles who has gotten home from the track, and he's probably calling for our nightly 2-hour chat before he has to go to bed to be well rested for tomorrow. I know I won't be able to lie so I let it go to voicemail. He'll understand when he sees me tomorrow, if he does, or else I'll have to call him and tell him where I am and admit that I am a very irrational thinker.
The next day, I did what some people might call the craziest part of my plan. I put on tight black pants, a Mercedes t-shirt, a Mercedes cap and sunglasses. My hair was in a ponytail and with my paddock pass that Lewis got for me, I looked like I worked there. I had three passes hanging around my neck, but only one was my actual one and the others were empty ones just for show. No one would assume it's me.
But because I couldn't take a flashy Ferrari to the track, I had to take a taxi. It took forever to get a taxi in that area but I finally got one and walked towards the paddock. I kept my head down, pretending to look at my phone as I walked past the loads of fans standing outside, and I was hoping no one would recognize me. Luckily, Alex Albon stepped out just in time so that people were more busy looking at him. I had a feeling he might recognize me if he saw me, so I just hurried past the gates and onto the paddock, walking past the photographers who were there waiting for the drivers to arrive for the day.
I headed straight for the Mercedes hospitality and I sat down by one of the tables in the shadow. I could see straight over to the Ferrari hospitality from there, so I could wait to see if Charles had any guests with him and if he was already at the paddock.
After a few minutes of just looking around, I hadn't seen anyone I knew. I hadn't seen Arthur, Lorenzo or their girlfriends. I hadn't even seen any drivers I knew. I saw some photographers I recognized but I wanted them to stay far away from me.
As I was sitting there, my phone started ringing again. Charles' picture was showing on my screen as he was calling me again. He had texted me in the morning, asking if I had a late night the night before, but I forgot to reply to that as I was constructing my masterplan. I held my phone and my thumb hovered above the green button. I looked around to make sure there would be loud noises around me that could give me away, and that's when I saw him walking into the paddock.
Immediately my thumb pressed the red button and I held my head down while looking at him through my sunglasses. He stopped walking when I hung up and he looked at his phone with furrowed brows. He ran a hand over his face before he turned to Andrea to give him his phone. He was already in race gear, and I guess he was about to go warm up. I saw Joris not far behind as well.
I felt bad for him. My lack of contact may be playing all kinds of tricks on him. He might think I'm home in Bologna doubting us to the point of ignoring him. I wouldn't blame him if that was what he was thinking. I would probably think that.
Lewis walked past in his new red Ferrari shirt and black sunglasses. I was quick on my feet and I hurried up to him, eventually walking next to him.
"Okay, so your next meeting is with Toto about that damage you did to his mental health when you left..." I said as if I was some personal assistant to him. He immediately stops and looks confused, until realization hits him and he laughs.
"Hey!" He exclaims as he hugs me. "Good to see you! But what the hell happened to your fashion sense?" he jokes as scans my Mercedes employee outfit. I take my sunglasses off and let them hang from the collar of the shirt.
"Thank you for doing this," I say quietly, looking down at the passes around my neck.
"No problem," He replies, but then looks around, "although... I would like to know what it's for..." he added.
"Well, I don't want people to make a big deal of me coming to a race to see Charles," I shrugged. It wasn't a lie, it was just half of the truth. Enough for him to get off my back about it.
He nodded and then looked past me, nodding in silence. His eyes followed something, and when I realized that whatever his eyes were following, it was getting closer. So I turn my head just in time to see Charles grab my waist and quickly push me past Lewis and very fast between two of the hospitality buildings. He practically slammed me against one of the walls, standing very close right in front of him.
"Qu'est-ce que tu fous ici ?!" What the hell are you doing here?! he hissed to not get attention from people passing outside.
"Tu n'étais pas censé me reconnaître !" You weren't supposed to recognize me! I reply, taking the cap off my head because it has no use anymore. We're hiding and he has seen me. My hair ends up a mess from that stupid hat.
Charles tilts his head to the side and looks at me with furrowed brows, looking at me like I'm stupid or something. "J'ai passé quatre ans à apprendre à connaître chaque centimètre de toi, comment as-tu pensé que je ne te reconnaîtrais pas ?" I spent four years getting to know every inch of you, how did you think I wouldn't recognize you? he asked.
I just hummed, shrugged and moved some hair that escaped my ponytail and moved it behind my ear. When I looked back at him, his lips went up into a smirk. He looked me up and down, and then let out a small chuckle, suddenly finding the whole thing funny.
"Quoi ?" What? I ask, crossing my arms over my stomach. I suddenly felt a bit embarrassed.
"Pourquoi es-tu vraiment ici ?" Why are you really here? He asked, with the same smirk.
"Tu sais..." You know... I mumbled and shrugged, avoiding his eyes. "Mercedes a besoin de soutien," Mercedes needs support.
"Est-ce si difficile pour toi d'admettre que tu avais hâte de me voir ?" Is it so hard for you to admit that you couldn't wait to see me? he laughs as he takes a small step closer to me, putting a hand on my cheek.
"Oui! Parce que tu te moques de moi !" Yes! Because you're making fun of me! I exclaimed, hitting his shoulder, but not hard enough for it to actually hurt him. It just made him laugh harder as he got even closer to me.
"Je ne suis pas! J'ai pris l'avion pour le Costa Rica pour te voir ! Je ne suis pas en position de me moquer de toi," I'm not! I flew to Costa Rica to see you! I'm in no position to make fun of you, he replied. "Je suis content que tu sois là," I'm glad you're here, he adds before he leans in to kiss me.
I hummed and actually grabbed onto the material of his fireproof shirt, and I pulled on it as if he could get any closer. He smiled into the kiss and his hand went down to my hand and took the cap from my hand. While continuing to kiss me, he placed it back on my head again, then he took a step back to look at me in it.
"Cela semble bon," Looks good, he said, which made my eyebrows shoot up. "Mais le rouge a toujours été ta couleur," But red has always been more your color, he whispered before going back to kiss me.
"Charles, pour l'amour de Dieu !" Charles, for God's sake! echoes between the walls.
He immediately takes a step back and I look down as Joris has appeared on our side. Charles puts a hand on my shoulder before he rushes over to Joris, and I can't tell if he knows it's me or not. I keep my face as much to the side as I can, and I realize he can't have recognized me because when they walk away I hear Joris dig into Charles.
"Un employé de Mercedes derrière un immeuble ? Qu'est-ce que tu es? Une sorte de garçon de fraternité ?" A Mercedes employee behind a building? What are you? Some kind of frat boy?
I press my lips together and hold back a laugh as I finally look up to look after them. I see Andrea, right there, still looking at me. He has a little smile on his face, and his arms crossed over his chest. I realize he's caught me, and my heartbeat stops for a second. He gives me a quick nod.
"È bello rivederti, Céline," It's good to see you again, Céline, he said before he started following Charles, who was still being questioned by Joris.
"Anche tu," You too, I replied.
I went up to one of the terraces to watch the first practice session from there. I was hiding away in a corner, focusing on the big screen, enjoying every little close up of Charles they showed on the live stream. He got some good laps in as well, and the Italian fans loved it.
As soon as the session was over, I slipped away again to not get spotted by anyone who'd recognize me. I sat outside the Mercedes hospitality restaurant when Lewis came over to me, awkwardly looking around, still in his race suit. He motioned for me to follow him, so I stood up and I walked with him outside.
"So you're back together?" He asked as I walked next to him.
"No," I replied, shaking my head. "We're trying to be friends again, which has always been hard for us with everyone immediately assuming something is up when we hang out... so we're just trying to become friends without that awkwardness this time." I straight up lied to him.
"Okay," He replied, and I don't think he bought it. "He asked to see you anyway," he added.
He walked me to the Ferrari garage and then told me he'd see me later on. I walked with my head down through the garage and back towards the driver rooms, and then I knocked on the door. It quickly opened and I expected Charles to stand there, but it was Joris. I look up at him a bit shocked, as I didn't think Charles was going to tell him I'm here.
Charles is sitting on his little bed, smiling to himself. Joris' eyes are wide, but then he kind of lights up as he turns back to Charles, who presses his lips together and joyfully nods his head. He turns back to me and he uses his hand to lift my cap slightly, as if to double check that it was me. I scoffed and slapped his hand away from me before I walked into the room, heading over to Charles.
He was sitting on the bed with his legs lazily spread in front of him, slouching his back against the wall. His eyes followed me as I walked up to him and he reached his hand out to grab my wrist and pull me down to sit next to him. He took my cap off and he threw it like a frisbee across the room.
"Je ne peux pas le croire," I can't believe it, Joris states from the door he just closed.
"Quoi?" What? Charles asks
"Que tu ne m'avais pas dit que ça se passait !" That you didn't tell me this was happening! Joris replies. "Quand avez-vous commencé à travailler pour Mercedes ?" When did you start working for Mercedes? he asks, looking at me.
I couldn't tell if he was serious, so I just stared at him, until Charles took his own cap and threw it at Joris who just started laughing as he walked back into the room and sat down on a chair by a desk.
"N'as-tu pas dit à Joris que tu avais pris un vol au hasard pour le Costa Rica ?" Didn't you tell Joris that you took a random flight to Costa Rica? I ask. Charles clears his throat, itches his nose, as Joris' mouth falls open. Charles wraps an arm around me and then pinches my arm to tell me he definitely hadn't and I just exposed him.
"Pardon ?" Sorry? Joris asks, raising his eyebrows. "Quand... et pourquoi es-tu allé au Costa Rica ?" When... and why did you go to Costa Rica?
Charles squirms a little, "Elle était là," She was there, he replies with a little shrug.
"D'accord..." Joris says, wanting more. "Vous n'avez pas entendu parler des téléphones ?" Haven't you heard of telephones? he asks, finding his friend very amusing.
Charles looks at me, clearly blaming me for putting him in this situation, but I think he technically put himself in this situation.
"Elle aurait pu me raccrocher au nez," She could have hung up on me, Charles replies tiredly.
"Je ne t'aurais pas raccroché au nez," I wouldn't have hung up on you, I object quickly, shaking my head. Charles looks at me again, and I find some amusement in making him uncomfortable in having to tell his friend the lengths he went to.
Joris looks equally as amused as he keeps his eyebrows raised, waiting for Charles to admit the real reason he went to Costa Rica without telling anyone.
"Je ne l'ai dit à personne parce que ça aurait été gênant si tu m'avais refusé," I didn't tell anyone because it would have been embarrassing if you would have turned me down, he basically mumbles to me, instead of speaking to Joris.
"As-tu entendu que?" Did you hear that? I asked, looking at Joris who nodded. "Il s'est envolé pour le Costa Rica pour me récupérer," He flew to Costa Rica to get me back.
Joris smiles and leans back, while Charles puts a hand over my mouth before I can say anything else of his big emotions he's been expressing to me lately. He's done so much in the past few weeks that I feel gives me a lot of bragging rights. I can't brag to anyone else, so I can brag to Joris. He seems to enjoy it anyway.
"C'est agréable de te revoir, C," It's nice to see you again, C, Joris says with a smile on his lips. I smile, as I am equally as glad to be back.
It took me until this moment to realize how much I have missed a lot with Charles. The way he acts with his friends, his friends in general, even seeing the mechanics work on the car felt nice. A sense of nostalgia washed over me when I walked into the garage.
"Elle ne m'a pas dit qu'elle venait ici," She didn't tell me she was coming here, Charles tells Joris, who sighs and shakes his head.
"Quelqu'un devrait vraiment vous parler des téléphones," Someone should really tell you about phones, Joris says as he shakes his head and stands up. He walks up to the door again and opens it. "Je serai dehors," I will be outside.
Joris walks out and I look at Charles next to me. He's looking at my Mercedes shirt, then makes me turn around so that he can look at my back, which is when he notices the '44' placed on my back, which makes him scoff and grimace, probably not because of my merch being years old, but because it's Lewis's number. I just chuckle and kiss his forehead to make him feel better. He immediately puts his hand on the back of my neck and pulls me down to kiss me.
"Où séjournes-tu?" Where are you staying? he asks.
"Un hôtel," A hotel, I reply with a teasing smile.
"Avec moi, par hasard ?" With me, by chance?
"Non," I reply, shaking my head before kissing him. He immediately pulls back and furrows his brows as he scans my face.
"Pourquoi pas?" Why not?
I chuckle, thinking he's joking with me. Everyone knows what hotel he's staying at. His hotel is flooded. Fans are there every hour of the day. There is absolutely no way for me to get in there without getting noticed by someone.
"Parce que je ne veux pas que toute l'Italie sache que je suis là," Because I don't want all of Italy to know that I'm here, I reply. Charles opens his mouth and I know some stupid ass excuse is about to come out of his mouth, so I put a hand over it. "Je ne prends aucun risque, il y a trop de monde là-bas," I'm not taking any risks, there are too many people there.
Charles sighs into my hand, then he licks the inside of my hand, which I don't care about one bit. His tongue has been in my mouth. Why would I care if it's on my hand? He looks tiredly at me when he realizes it's not working. He then grabs my wrist and moves my hand so that he can bite it, which makes me snatch it away from him quickly.
"Alors laisse-moi venir rester avec toi," So let me come stay with you, he says.
I stare at him through squinting eyes for a second, "Y arriverez-vous discrètement ?" Will you get there discreetly? I ask.
"Très discret," Very discreet, he replies.
"Hm," I let out as I look at him a little while longer. "D'accord," Okay, I agree.
I always knew it was going to end up like this one way or another, but it's just nice to mess with him a little bit. It helps me feel like I'm going back to normal. Spending so much time accepting that I won't have him in my life in the same way again, and all of a sudden I do have him back in my life, leaving kisses on my lips and using every chance he gets to touch my skin. It's difficult to just get used to having him back.
Maybe I can't get used to it because I still want to be prepared if he changes his mind, or if something happens that we can't get past. Like if I tell him about the abortion and he just realizes that he doesn't want to be with me after I went to Mateo. The fight we had about Mateo without him even knowing what happened was big enough, how is he going to react to this? Besides, I don't know how to tell him. I just don't know when or how to do it.
Charles brings me out of my thoughts when he runs his palm from my forehead down to the backside of my head, scratching my scalp a little in the back. He opens his mouth to say something, but the door opens. We both look over and see Andrea walking in. He sees us both, and he stops, then he immediately smiles.
"Ciao Céline," Hello Céline, he says as he puts some tiny helmets and caps on Charles' desk.
"Ciao Andre," Hello Andre, I reply. "Prometto di non distrarre troppo Charles quando sarò qui," I promise not to distract Charles too much when I'm here, I added with a smile as he turned back to me.
"Si distrae pensando a te così com'è," He distracts himself with the thought of you enough as it is, Andrea replied, which makes Charles' whole body react as if he was going to object.
"Pas vrai," Not true, he mutters when he sits back down. Andrea just laughs and shakes his head.
"Pensa che non me ne accorga," He thinks that I don't notice, Andrea says in my direction.
"Eh bien, je ne vais pas vous distraire de toutes les signatures que vous devez faire" Well, I won't distract you from all the signing you have to do, I say as I begin to sit up straight, but he pulls me back to him while he whines. "Andrea, aiutami" Andrea, help me, I whine as I reach my arm out, and he grabs it and helps me pull away from Charles' grip.
He sighs and then sits up on his bed, looking over at the objects ready to be signed on the desk. I walk over to the corner of the room where he threw my cap and I pick it up and put it back on my head. Charles scoffs, and stands up. He comes over to me, takes the Mercedes cap off and exchanges it with a Ferrari cap from the pile of caps to sign.
"Si tu voulais tellement ma casquette Mercedes, tu aurais pu la demander," If you wanted my Mercedes cap so bad you could have just asked for it, I say with a smirk as I walk around him, hearing Andrea laughing.
I walked out and saw Joris standing outside the door still, bored with his back against the wall. He really is like a puppy following Charles around. Sweet friendship between those two. He looks at me and I nod my head to the side so that he follows me as I walk us out of the garage and upstairs to the lounge with the couches and the TV with the stream on.
We sit down and wait for the second session to start. When it does, we walk over to the window and look out of it. As soon as someone looked up even slightly, or there looked to be a camera close by, I just took a step back and tried not to be seen by anyone.
Charles put in the laps and he got the results he wanted in front of the screaming child. When the session was done, I sat down on the couch and waited for Charles to come find me. He got right out of the car and an additional ten minutes before he took every second step to get upstairs. He smiled, walked over and immediately leaned down to leave a quick kiss on my lips.
"Tu étais génial aujourd'hui" You were great today, I say.
"Merci," he says with a smile. "Je dois faire quelques interviews, tu seras ici ?" I have to do some interviews, will you be here?
"Non," I reply. "Je vais sortir d'ici avec les masses et retourner à mon hôtel." I'll get out of here with the masses and go back to my hotel.
"Je ferai en sorte d'y arriver discrètement." I'll make sure to get there discreetly.
"Make sure you're on time tomorrow," Make sure you're on time tomorrow, Joris says without looking up from his phone. Charles' eyes darts over to him and he scoffs before giving me another kiss before he stands up straight.
"Je te verrai plus tard" I'll see you later, Charles says before he walks downstairs again with a smile on his face.
I said goodbye to Joris and I walked downstairs, hiding my face by looking down at the ground as I took the same way back to the hotel as I did to the track. I waited around for Charles to call and ask me where the hotel was, and when my mom called me like she's started doing a lot more often, I pretended I just got home from practice.
While I was on the phone, there was a knock on the door followed by a light voice calling out 'room service'. I furrowed my eyes at the door, and walked over to the door. I opened it and a woman rolled in a tray with two plates, two glasses and a nice bottle of wine into the room. My mom was talking on and on in my ear, and I was just looking confused at the food but thanked the woman before she walked out.
"Maman," I say to cut her off, she's been talking about the charity race for the past ten minutes and I'm sorry to say that I immediately get bored when she starts talking about it. "Je dois y aller, le dîner vient d'arriver," I have to go, I just got my dinner, I tell her as I look at the food that just rolled in.
"Je dis juste que ce serait plus facile si tu le planifiais avec les frères ! Vous trois devez surveiller d'aussi près qu'avant ce week-end," I'm just saying that it would be easier if you plan this with the brothers! You three need to look as close as before that weekend, she says.
"Je comprends, maman, je vais leur parler," I get it, Mom, I'll talk to them, I say to make her happy. "Je te parlerai plus tard, je t'aime," I'll talk to you later, love you, I say before I hang up.
There's another knock on the door, and when I open it, Charles stands there with his bags. He sees the tray behind me and he sighs, but quickly walks inside, kisses me in passing, and then drops the bags on the floor. I close the door and I lean against it with a giddy smile on my face as I realize why I have food in my room without having ordered it.
"Je pensais que j'arriverais avant le dîner," I thought I'd get here before the food, he says with a defeated look on his face.
"C'est arrivé il y a moins d'une minute," It just got here less than a minute ago, I smile as I walk up to the food, picking the plate that looks the best and taking it over to the bed. He grabs a plate and comes to sit down next to me. "Ma mère pense que je devrais planifier mon voyage à la course caritative avec toi, afin que nous puissions regarder d'aussi près qu'avant." My mom thinks I should plan my trip for the charity race with you guys so that we can look as close as before.
"J'ai une agréable surprise pour elle," I have a pleasant surprise for her, he says as he lets out a laugh. "Je peux être aussi proche de toi qu'elle le veut" I can be as close to you as she wants, he adds with a mischievous smile and I almost choke on the bite I have in my mouth. He laughs even more, patting my back to help my coughing.
"Je ne pense pas que ce soit ce qu'elle voulait dire." I don't think that's what she meant.
"Es-tu en train de me dire qu'elle ne serait pas aux anges en sachant que tu partages une chambre d'hôtel avec moi ce week-end ?" Are you telling me she wouldn't be over the moon to know you're sharing a hotel room with me this weekend?
I realize that he's beating around the bush, carefully using words that don't clarify to me what we are. I get that it's far too early to call us a couple again, but that is what we're working towards, right?
"Elle pleurerait," She would cry, I reply. "Du bonheur bien sûr." Of happiness of course.
"Et je n'ai même pas besoin de l'embrasser," And I don't even have to kiss her, he replies with a teasing smile on my face.
"Je n'ai pas pleuré cette fois !" I didn't cry this time! I exclaim. I may have cried the first time we kissed in Alassio, but that's because I was overwhelmed and there was a lot of confusion and things that could go wrong.
This time, everything had already gone wrong, the kiss was our last way of saving our relationship overall. Our friendship, any kind of relationship between us. The first time I risked a lot by kissing him. This time it could only save us. Maybe I didn't know that then, but I must've felt that was the case because I still kissed him. Maybe I wasn't thinking at all. Maybe all I wanted to do was to kiss him and it worked out.
I shouldn't try to justify everything I do all the time, it might end up driving me insane.
After dinner, we drank some wine and we lied on the bed. His arm around me, my head leaning on his shoulder as we talked about all the memories from our last run together. Like when Evie found out about us, and how his mom didn't let us sleep in the same room, the picture of me in the bathtub he sent to the wrong person, Seb's wedding in Switzerland when his kids thought he was a prince. We had so much to look back at, but it felt like talking about two different people.
I was younger then, a lot more immature and naive. He was younger too, probably a little immature too. It made me realize that it's impossible for us to get back to that. No matter how we try, we won't get back to that. Maybe we shouldn't get back to that. Whatever we were back then clearly didn't work.
"Charles," I say after we've finished laughing and been silent for a while. He is scratching my scalp and I think he's close to falling asleep with his head leaning on my head. He hums in response to tell me he's listening. "Tu ne t'attends pas à être comme avant, n'est-ce pas ?" You're not expecting to be like we were before, right? I ask
I felt his head lift off of mine, "Que veux-tu dire?" What do you mean?
"Si cela doit fonctionner, nous ne pouvons pas nous attendre à ce que les sensations soient les mêmes que la première fois." If this is going to work we can't expect it to feel like it did the first time, I explain, sitting up and turning to face him, and he places a hand on my knee. He thinks about it for a little while but doesn't say anything. "Je ne pense pas qu'on puisse avoir deux fois le même amour, même avec la même personne." I don't think you can get the same love twice, even with the same person.
"Cela me convient," I'm fine with that, he nods tiredly. "Ça veut juste dire que je peux retomber amoureux de toi, comme pour la première fois, parce que c'est une manière différente, non ?" It just means I get to fall in love with you all over again, like a first time, because it's a different way, right?
I almost have to put a hand over my face to hide the physical reaction I have from his words. How can someone make me feel like this, so giddy, by just speaking. It's such a beautiful way to look at it. One I hadn't even thought about.
But every time I feel happy with him again, everytime I get this feeling, I'm reminded that I can't know for sure how long I get to keep him until I tell him. If I want to know if this is going to last, if I get to keep him, I have to tell him everything. He deserves to know. I just want to know if I'm getting excited for a future I won't get.
So I almost tell him right now. But he sits up, he places a kiss on my forehead and then he tiredly gets out of the bed, telling me he's going to have a shower. He walks into the bathroom, and I sit on the bed with my glass of wine, thinking about the best way to tell him. But then I realize I have to be with him for the whole weekend. He's in a good mood and this is an important race for him. He's leading the championship and it's Ferrari's homerace. What if it throws him off? What if it ruins a weekend that's supposed to be good for him.
He walks out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and his hair still wet, my mouth immediately zips shut and I try my best not to look like a thirsty fan.
Who am I kidding? I am a thirsty fan, have you seen him?
He catches me looking and he throws a shirt at me. I keep it over my face for my own good. I hide my face in it because it'll keep me from looking and it hides how extremely red it is from being caught. A little while later he comes up and takes the shirt back against my attempt to keep it. He's in sweatpants and he puts the shirt on as well while he looks at me with a smirk, finding it incredibly amusing.
I can't tell him. I can't do it when I know he won't look at me the way he's currently looking at me after I've told him.
I look at the shirt he's wearing and I smile, "C'était ma deuxième chemise préférée," That used to be my second favorite shirt of yours, I tell him, touching the hem of the shirt a little.
He immediately starts to take it off, "Je sais," I know.
He gives it to me and I smile as I get out of the bed and walk past him into the bathroom. I changed into it and I let my hair down. I look in the mirror, and I think of how I look so similar to what I did almost four years ago, but still so different. I look more grown up. I've looked in the mirror like this before. The same shirt, no pants, hair down after a long day. The sight is not new to me, still it feels new. The smell coming from the shirt isn't new. I like that.
Charles is on the bed, on his phone, when I open the door again. He looks at me and he smiles as I walk out into the now dark room. When I get close enough to him, he grabs the material of the shirt and pulls me over to the bed and basically wrestles me into the bed with him, holding me flush to him, his hands roaming up the inside of the shirt and up my back.
"Je ne m'enfuirai pas quand tu dors," I'm not going to run away when you sleep, I chuckle as he closes his eyes with a content looking face.
"Je ne prends aucun risque" I'm not risking it, he shakes his head. So I just get comfortable with my face against his chest, faintly hearing his heart slow down as he falls asleep.
-
Qualifying day I didn't feel like walking around in all black Mercedes gear again, so I had to be extra careful when sneaking into the paddock. I think I managed to get by pretty unnoticed, still hiding under a Mercedes cap that I exchanged with Charles' cap he put on my head yesterday as soon as I walked into the Ferrari hospitality.
Charles left before me this morning. I was in the shower, he walked in and I popped my head out to give him a quick kiss. During the short time my head was popping out through the shower curtain, he hung a new paddock pass around my neck, giving me access to the Ferrari hospitality, which I didn't have with the other pass I had.
Joris was there when I walked in, and he had ordered lunch for the both of us. He told me Charles had put him on babysitting duty, and he refused to leave me even when I told him I would be fine on my own. Charles had given him orders and he was going to stick to them. So I was stuck with Joris. Not that I'm really complaining, he's a fun guy.
"Regardons depuis le garage aujourd'hui," Let's watch from the garage today, Joris proposes right before FP3.
"Es-tu stupide?" Are you dumb? I reply.
"J'apporterai un parapluie !" I'll bring an umbrella! Joris says, grabbing an umbrella from the stand next to him, meant for the team. I am just about to ask what the hell we're supposed to do with the umbrella inside the garage, when he opens it and uses it to hide us both from the sight of a random team member walking past us. Of course he could see the umbrella, just not the people behind it.
So I agreed. We walked in, and Joris handed me a pair of headphones to be able to listen to the radio. It's been so long since I've been there with a pair of headphones on my head, I feel almost nostalgic. We stood in the back, and Charles saw us right before he got into the car. When no one was looking, I sent him a blow kiss, and I saw him smile to himself before he pulled the baklava on before his helmet.
In FP3 he got in some good laps that made the Tifosi very happy to see. Whenever a camera even got close to us, Joris put the open umbrella in front of us. He even closed the umbrella over my head at one point, which messed up my hair a lot, and nearly poked one of my eyes out.
We hid out in Charles' driver's room, waiting for him to come back before qualifying. We were looking through his stuff, trying to find something funny to use against him if it's ever needed, when he walked in. He took a look between us as we were both caught rummaging through drawers. He cleared his throat and we closed the drawers before standing up.
He just told Joris to get out and then spent his few free minutes with me, and he did not want to talk about anything revolving work for him. Not a single thing about the lap, about how he thinks qualifying is going to go, nothing. He'd rather plan our evening, or talk about how he's going to struggle to hide us from our parents and his brothers. He likes to be hands on and I know that, and I've always enjoyed that. But I don't think it's time just yet to tell them all.
But I don't want to wait too long either.
We did end up kissing until Joris knocked on the door, telling Charles to get the fuck into his car because he would have to rush and his engineers and mechanics were going to kill him if he took any longer. So he pulled himself out of there and got into the car. I came out a few minutes later and joined Joris at the back of the garage.
Charles put a good lap in pretty early, and then came back in for a while as the other drivers got laps in. Max got a pretty good lap in as well, and by the end of Q1, Charles was just below the top 3. He didn't like that, but he wasn't super upset about it considering it was still early.
In Q2, he waited a little before getting out there, and he got two fliers in and ended up second on the timing board. He was so frustrated that he didn't manage to beat Max's time, so he pushed the car even more during Q3. He got one lap time deleted, and he lost the rear. He had one try to get a good ass lap in, and of course he did. He definitely hasn't gotten worse at putting in qualifying laps since I last saw him race.
He came back and got interviewed while I waited very impatiently in the garage for him to come back. I just wanted to hug and kiss him and tell him he did a good job, but I couldn't exactly go out there. So I just sat around and waited until he came back.
He walked right in, looking for me and got a smile on his face as soon as they landed on me. He came up to me and Joris worked quickly with the umbrella as I hugged Charles, kissed him and told him that he did a great job with that final lap, getting that pole in front of the home crowd like he's done times before.
Of course Charles had to stay longer to debrief with the team and prepare for the race, so I went back to the hotel by myself. Getting into comfortable clothes and doing some self care while talking to Evie on the phone. I told her I had gone to Monza and initially she thought I was insane, but then I told her how easy it is to stay hidden enough to avoid cameras. The photographers just don't care if you don't look like anyone important.
"I can't believe you guys are back together," Evie says just as I hear the door open. I stand in the bathroom applying a face mask and I hear Charles kick off his shoes. "Well, I can, but I'm just so happy about it."
"Well, we're not exactly..." I say quietly, knowing Charles and I aren't exactly back together like a couple yet, but I didn't want him to hear me say that.
"Cece!" Charles calls out.
"Je suis là!" I'm here! I reply.
"Did he come back now?" She asks and I hear the smile on her face. I hum as a reply. "I wish I could be there this weekend and see this beautiful thing happen right in front of my eyes!"
"You did see it right in front of your eyes," I argue.
"You didn't even kiss in front of me!" She argues back.
"Est-ce Evie?" Is it Evie? Charles asks when he walks in and hears her voice. I nod. "Don't be so perverted!" He shouts.
"I am not! I just want to see it with my own eyes that you are actually in the same room, not just talking, but staying out of stupid fights and arguments about tiny little shitty things! Even more so, being your normal disgustingly cute selves," She explains.
Charles and I exchange a look before we shake our heads and laugh a little. Charles finally, very carefully, kisses me, trying to not get the face mask on his lips.
"I heard that!" Evie shouts excitedly over the phone.
"Perv..." Charles replies before he looks at me again. "Puis-je en avoir, ma peau est mauvaise..." Can I have some, my skin is bad... he says as he motions at the face mask.
So we spend thirty minutes in the bathroom, talking to Evie on the phone while I sit on the counter with Charles standing in between my legs while I do some skincare on him and then apply the face mask on him. Everytime I wasn't talking, he'd kiss me. He was standing there in front of me, never looking away from me, just letting his eyes scan every little millimeter of my face with a small smile on his face. His hands running up and down my thigh, slowly, using the tips of his fingers now and then, very lightly, which gave me shivers.
Evie eventually said she had to go, but we stayed in the bathroom, talking about his day, talking about what tomorrow is going to be like for him, what he'll do if he wins another Monza Grand Prix. I asked him if he'd be excited, he nodded. I asked him if it would be better than the first time, he shook his head with a small chuckle. I ran my fingers through his hair and I asked him if anything could top that race win, he nodded. Monaco? He nodded. It'll happen one day. His smile got bigger.
He never broke eye contact. He was just lazily looking at me with his hands running up and down my thighs.
"Mais ce sera la course la plus spéciale de la saison," It'll be the most special race of the season though, he said, barely louder than a whisper. He was just so relaxed.
"Comment ça se fait?" How come?
Another smile went up his face before he looked down instead of at me. He took my hands and intertwined our fingers, and almost as by habit his thumb went to search for the ring I used to wear on my right hand. He dropped my right hand as if it suddenly burned him, but his face showed nothing other than it previously had.
"Tu sais pourquoi," You know why, he replies. He's right, I do know what he means to say. "Je pars dans deux semaines" I'm leaving in two weeks, he adds, moving some hair out of my face.
"Je sais," I know, I reply. I don't want to talk about it and ruin a perfectly good moment. I'm so happy with him here, I don't want to talk about whatever is going to happen when we're not together when we finally are together. "Nous devrions laver nos masques," We should wash off our facemasks, I say as I get off from the counter.
I grab a towel and I wet it so that I can use it to get the face mask off, and I look in the mirror, seeing Charles behind me. He's no longer smiling, and he's just watching me through the mirror. His chest lifts and rises with his sigh, so I put the towel down again, fidgeting with the material and I sigh as well.
"Je ne veux pas encore penser à ton départ," I don't want to think about you leaving yet, I admit.
"Il faut... Cece, que se passe-t-il quand je pars à l'autre bout du monde pendant deux mois et demi ?" We have to... Cece, what happens when I go to the other side of the world for two and a half months? He asks.
"Je sais pas!" I don't know!
"Tu ne seras pas là du tout ?" Are you not going to be there at all?
"Tu ne m'as jamais demandé de venir," You never asked me to come, I say and I turn to face him.
He scoffs and he looks down at me, "Je ne pensais pas que je devrais le faire, bien sûr, je veux que tu sois là ! C'est toi qui as dit que tu ne voulais pas !" I didn't think I would have to, of course I want you there! You're the one who said you didn't want to! He shouts.
When he raises his voice I immediately take a step away and I turn back towards the mirror. The butterflies I had in my stomach turn to wasps that go to sting my heart, even at the most minor inconvenience. I hate that my body reacts so strongly to just the volume of his voice changing. So I force myself to think of something else. Evie and I in Rio, surfing in South Africa, the housemates we had in Cape Verde, anything that brings me out of the situation I'm actually in.
"Tu as raison, je suis désolé," You're right, I'm sorry, I rush out of my mouth before I finish washing my face and walk out of the bathroom to sit down on the bed instead, picking up my phone for any distraction.
"Tu m'as dit de ralentir et de m'énerver quand je prends du retard !" You told me to slow down and get upset when I fall behind! He says when he comes out of the bathroom.
"Je sais et j'ai dit que je suis désolé !" I know and I said I'm sorry! I reply, feeling the heavy emotions in my chest. He looks at me in silence for a while and then he walks over slowly, standing in front of me.
"Qu'est-ce qui vient de se passer? Depuis quand es-tu du genre à t'en aller ?" What just happened? Since when are you the type to just walk away? He asks, softly, as if he saw there was something going on with me that was not right. Funny coming from the guy who complains about how I always walk away from him. But he's right. I used to be more likely to yell and argue my case than to apologize and walk away from it. At least before. I've always admired how easily he can read me, but from time to time it gets a bit frustrating too.
"Je ne veux pas me battre avec toi, Charles, et je sais ce que j'ai dit et je sais que tu as raison alors laissons tomber," I don't want to fight with you, Charles, and I know what I've said and I know you're right so let's just drop it, I reply tiredly, which makes him sit down on the bed with me.
"Non, nous ne pouvons pas abandonner la conversation parce que nous n'avons trouvé aucune solution quant à la raison pour laquelle la conversation a commencé," No, we can't just drop out of the conversation because we came up with no solution to why the conversation started, he replies. "Quand tu me cries dessus pour savoir pourquoi tu penses avoir raison, au moins on arrive à quelque chose." When you yell at me, explaining why you think you're right, at least we're getting somewhere.
"C'était peut-être notre problème," Maybe that was our problem, I shrug. "On ne peut pas résoudre les problèmes sans se crier dessus... ce n'est pas sain." We can't solve things without yelling at each other... It's not healthy.
"Alors résolvons ça de la manière dont cela est censé se produire," Then let's solve this how it's supposed to go, he says as he puts a hand on my leg. "Je ne veux pas passer 2 mois et demi sans te voir, je veux que tu sois là avec moi, tu viens avec moi ?" I don't want to go 2,5 months without seeing you, I want you to be there with me, will you come with me?
"Je ne peux pas faire mes valises et partir pendant 2,5 mois... tout d'abord, tout le monde nous comprendrait. Deuxièmement, j'ai toujours une vie en Italie. Mais je ne veux pas que tu penses que je ne veux pas être là pour toi." I can't pack up and be away for 2,5 months... first of all, everyone would figure us out. Second of all, I still have a life in Italy. But I don't want you to think that I don't want to be there for you.
Charles nods slowly, thinking for a bit, "Venez me voir à certaines courses... ce n'est pas comme si les autres filles volaient avec leurs partenaires à chaque course." Come see me at some of the races... It's not like the other girls fly with their partners to every single race.
He's right about that. We've been looking at this as if it's all or nothing, or like it was when we first started dating the first time. But we've also not been thinking about it too much because I thought I wouldn't want to be in the paddock. After this weekend I may have changed my mind a bit.
"Je devrais me cacher tout le week-end," I'd have to hide all weekend, I add. "Jusqu'à ce que nous voulions que les gens le sachent." Until we want people to know.
"Je suis d'accord si tu veux rester à l'hôtel tout le week-end, parce que je veux juste que tu sois là et je veux te voir," I'm okay if you want to stay at the hotel all weekend, because I just want you there and I want to see you, he says.
"D'accord," Okay, I nod. "Nous y réfléchirons." We'll look into it.
Charles smiles before leaning forward to kiss me. I still feel weird from how strongly I reacted to him just raising his voice. I don't know how I became so sensitive. Yes, I've always been sensitive and I've learned to accept that. But his yelling should not make me go into fight or flight like this.
"C'est tout ce que je demande," That's all I'm asking, he says.
-
It was significantly harder for me to get to the track on race day without feeling like people recognized me. I went in with Lewis' PR manager, upon him offering to make it easier. But as soon as we stepped out of the car I was trying to hide and blend in with the crew.
As soon as we were in I saw Lewis and I thanked him for offering to help me.
"Team effort," he replied. I looked around the garage where we were standing. One side for him and the other side for Charles. It was so surreal, as I remember standing in the box with Isa, watching Carlos and Charles race for the same team.
Charles was warming up between the hospitality buildings when I got there. He had finished the driver's parade, and just changed into race gear. I sat on the ground with Joris and we watched him suck at football with Andrea before they did some other exercises to prepare for the race.
"Es-tu nerveux?" Are you nervous? I ask when we're in his driver's room the last minutes before he goes out on the grid.
"Un peu," A little, he chuckles.
"Est-ce que toi et Lewis vous entendez bien ?" Do you and Lewis get along well on track? I ask, now curious.
"Nous nous entendons très bien," We get along just fine, he replies with a laugh as he grabs a cap to put on his head. He's in need of a haircut, as it's getting quite long in the neck again. I love his long hair, but it has to be hot for him.
"Est-il une menace pour toi ?" Is he a threat to you? I ask, amused.
He laughs again, "tout le monde est une menace sur la bonne voie." Everybody is a threat on track.
Okay, if he wants to be humble now that he's on top.
I kiss him good luck and then he opens the door to walk out, but then he turns around again. He grabs a pair of headphones from the wall outside and he throws them to me. I put them on, giving him a thumbs up to show I'm ready.
"Si vous voulez être dans la boîte, Lewis a soudoyé un caméraman pour qu'il ne s'en tienne qu'aux célébrités, vous ne risquez pas d'apparaître à la télévision." If you want to be in the box, Lewis bribed some cameraman to stick to celebrities only, there's no risk of you popping up on TV.
"Il a beaucoup de pouvoir, peut-être qu'il est une menace" He has a lot of power that one, maybe he is a threat, I say. Charles scoffs before he walks out and joins the other drivers and mechanics on the grid as they set the cars up for the race.
When they've stood for the national anthem, and they get in their cars ahead of the formation lap, I walk out to the box and I stand in the back with Joris, leaning against a wall. Charles has the pole position, and he places himself in front and waits for the last drivers to get to their positions before the lights go on. I had forgotten the breath I always hold before the lights go out.
I had forgotten the nervous pit I always get in my stomach during the first few laps when they're all still tightly packed together and the risks of crashing or contact is a lot higher. Charles manages to get out of that pack, still first, with Max following a few seconds behind him.
Max tries his luck on a lot of corners, but Charles manages to defend great, but it's taking a toll on his tires and eventually he has to come in for the first pit stop. You'd think Lewis came in here last year demanding they all retake their pit stop training, because everything went super fast for both of them. They didn't seem to fuck the strategy up either.
Joris stood next to me, shouting encouraging things out whenever Charles would go for overtakes as he kept working his way back up to first place, which he got back pretty easily when Max pitted. It truly looked like a clean sweep win was coming for Charles. I just stood there, staring at the screen and listening closely to the radios. I'm still nervous seeing him drive. Especially when he really wants something.
Max goes for it again, he fails. A lap later, he goes for it again and he gets ahead of Charles. Charles is pissed over the radio, unhappy with the mistake he made while defending. Joris sighed and I stood there biting off skin from my bottom lip, trying to read the mechanics who were shouting at Charles to go for it and get the position back.
They end up pitting him, which scares Red Bull and they pit Max too. Charles has to work his way up the order again, and he ends up behind Lewis. He stays there, patiently waiting for them to pit Lewis. I wait for him to demand he gets to take Lewis' position but he stays silent, and eventually he gets the position when they pit Lewis.
The battle comes back to being between Max and Charles. Charles makes a mistake, oversteering and it gives Max the room to squeeze by him on the main straight. The mechanics all curse again. They only have ten laps left of the race, and time is running out. Max starts to run away.
Nine laps left, eight laps left, seven...
Max slows down and Charles goes past him with ease. Max suddenly just seems to disappear, and then the camera shows him stopped on the side of the road. I can't remember the last time I saw Max DNF. It's so weird to see it happening, but it's great for Charles' championship chances. He just has Lando to worry about as well. Sadly for him, this year's Mclaren wasn't exactly the best for Monza it seems.
"Red Bull dispose d'un moteur assez peu fiable depuis que Honda a cessé de le fournir," Red Bull has gotten quite an unreliable engine since Honda stopped supplying them, Joris tells me and I nod.
Six laps left, George is on Charles' tail now. Five laps left, Lewis is working his way up. Four laps left, George and Lewis are battling it out, which seems tense. Three laps left, Lewis takes the position from George. Two laps left, the mechanics are standing, prepared to run out there to celebrate a freaking 1-2 in Monza, the absolute dream scenario. One lap left, the party has already started. Charles crosses the finish line first for the second time on this track.
Joris shouts in happiness, pulling me in for a hug while he jumps up and down, making the headphones on my head nearly fall off while Charles is screaming in happiness before thanking everyone in Italian.
Oh my God how I had missed the atmosphere of Monza, of the winning, of the highs and the lows and all of the many nerves during a race. It was the first time in a long time I actually stood there and just thought about how I was happy to be back. Even though I thought I would hate it. I stayed away for so long, thinking this place was the problem, but it wasn't. I just associated it with a bad time of my life, but now maybe I can associate it with a good time in my life.
The garage emptied from both mechanics and onlookers as they all went out to celebrate. I stayed in there, knowing there would be cameras focusing on Ferrari way too much for me to go out there. So I sat in the box, happily watching the screen as they showed Charles getting out of the car to celebrate with Lewis that they did the absolute dreamiest scenario for the Tifosi to happen.
When it came to the podium, I stood in the garage door and looked over from a distance, smiling widely from ear to ear when they announced Lewis and Charles, before they played the Monegasque national anthem before the Italian one.
"Céline?" I heard a woman say, and I went stiff for a second before I looked over to where the noise was coming from.
Lissie, brown hair hanging over her shoulders, a pen and a notebook in her hand, a big duffle bag hanging from her shoulder and like a million passes hanging around her neck.
"Hi!" I say awkwardly, not wanting to tip her off.
"I haven't seen you here in years," She says as she comes over. We had talked quite a lot while she did a lot of media with Charles before we broke up. She's just one year older than me, and that along with not a lot of women being around the paddock made us quite good friends back then.
"I thought it was time to see Lewis and Charles in action," I shrug with a smile.
"They're great," She agrees.
"They are," I nod, looking around to make sure there's no camera following her or anything. "I don't want it to be some big deal that I came here, considering... well, you know... but I'd be forever grateful if you could keep this quiet.
"Of course!" She immediately replies, which reminds me why I was so fond of her before. She didn't even hesitate.
"So how's Marcus?" I ask to not make it weird or anything.
"He's good, he's doing well," She replies. "I have some work to do before they come for their post race interviews, will I see you around?" She asks with a smirk on her face.
I open my mouth to reply, but I get cut off, "of course you will!" Lewis calls out as he comes jogging towards us with his race suit around his hips and a trophy in his hands.
"Great," Lissie says before Lewis hugs me and shakes me around a bit while I laugh. When he let me go, she was already gone.
Lewis lets me look at the trophy and he has a big smile on his face. I walk inside the garage to avoid any attention following him.
"You were great," I tell him. "You seem to be a great team."
"So do you two," He winks before he walks away with a smirk on his face.
I chuckle, and then I see Charles walking over as well, millions of cameras and reporters following him. So I back up and go into his driver's room, which he walks into shortly after me. He puts the trophy down and he wraps his arms tightly around me as I basically throw myself at him, kissing his cheek three times before he turns his head to kiss my lips.
"Tu es incroyable" You're amazing, I tell him.
"Je me sens incroyable" I feel amazing, he replies.
"Bien sûr, vous le faites! Vous avez gagné devant les Tifosi !" Of course you do! You won in front of the Tifosi! I exclaim.
"Non" No, he shakes his head. "Cela se sent incroyable" This feels amazing, he says, looking me in the eyes with a smile before he kisses my lips over and over again. I basically fall over backwards onto the couch, and he leans down over me as I take a seat, then he stands up straight.
"Tu le sais déjà... mais je suis fier de toi," You already know... but I'm proud of you, I say.
He smiles widely as he runs his hand through his sweaty hair, "Je déteste devoir sortir d'ici pour faire des interviews stupides." I hate that I have to walk out of here to do some stupid interviews, he says, leaning down again to kiss me even more, through both of us laughing from excitement.
"Aller!" Go! I say finally, pushing him off of me so that he can go and do his media duties. "Je serai à l'hôtel quand tu arriveras." I'll be at the hotel when you get there.
He sighs, but he leaves the room and goes to give his interviews while I take my things and I leave the paddock as sneaky as I can, going back to our room. I look around the empty room, knowing I have to pack up and go back home. I have a meeting with two new dancers tomorrow, so I can't stay another night. I don't want to leave Charles.
Packing took so much energy, knowing just how much I didn't want to leave. I really wanted to join the celebrations with him, then go back to Monaco with him until it's time for the charity race, but I have other commitments in my new home where my new life is. The life that barely involved him until now.
Charles walked in and saw me there, dressed, with my suitcase already packed. I was ready to go already. A hoodie in my hand and a frown on my face. I forced a smile when he walked in, but he didn't seem happy at the sight of me. He pressed his lips together as he closed the door behind him.
"Tu pars déjà ?" Are you leaving already? he asks.
"Je dois," I have to, I reply. "C'est un sacré trajet et j'ai du travail demain." It's quite a drive and I have work tomorrow.
"Travail," Work, he says as a whisper. I bet I've never told him that before. He's not used to me having a job. Yes, I've had practice or competitions. But never a job. "Tu es toujours en train de chorégraphier, pas vrai ?" You're still choreographing, right? he asks and I nod, wondering if he's judging me. "Je suis heureux" I'm glad, he says with a smile.
"J'aime vraiment," I really love it, I nod, smiling. He comes over and he kisses my forehead before looking down at the suitcase next to me.
"Bien," Good, he whispers before he leans down to kiss me. "Je te verrai partir." I'll see you off.
I nod, and he helps me take my suitcase down to the garage underneath the reception. I put it in the car and I get behind the wheel, rolling down my window. He leans down and puts his forearms on the window, leaning into the car as he looks at me.
"Juste une semaine," Only one week, I remind him.
"Tu vas me manquer" I'll miss you, he replies.
"Tu me manques déjà," I already miss you, I chuckle before I kiss him through the window. None of us wants to separate from the kiss, but a noise from somewhere in the parking garage forces us to.
Reluctantly, he stands up and takes a step away from the car. I frown at the sight, but turn the car on and start to back out of the parking space. I see him in my rearview window as I start to drive out of the garage, and my heart feels so heavy that it could fall out of my body. Then I suddenly step on the breaks. I take my seatbelt off and I get out of the car while Charles watches me, a little shocked.
"Charles," I say. He looks around and then starts walking over to me, slight worry on his face. "Je suis désolé de t' avoir donné l'impression d'être à la traîne, même si je tu ai dit de ralentir." I'm sorry I make you feel like you're falling behind, even though I told you to slow down.
He chuckles, "Cece, je ne voulais pas dire-" Cece, I didn't mean-
"Je t'aime." I love you.
His eyes fall to mine and they scan my face. I know damn well I told him I want to move slowly, and telling him this is the direct opposite of that. But I really have to tell him. In case he doubts where I stand because I act weird and I build walls around myself when I overthink and get scared I'm doing something stupid that's going to get me hurt again. I don't want to act weird and get defensive or distant whenever something goes against me.
"Je veux que nous nous en sortions, et je veux que nous en soyons sûrs, et je veux que nous le fassions bien... mais tu sais déjà que je t'aimais à l'époque et cela n'a pas changé." I want us to work, and I want us to be sure, and I want us to do it right... but you already know that I loved you then and that hasn't changed.
"Tu n'es pas obligé de me le dire, je sais," You don't have to tell me, I know that, he says through a relieved laugh as he puts a hand on my waist, pulling me closer to kiss me. But I put my hands on his chest to stop him.
"Je tiens à tu dire," I want to tell you, I say to make it perfectly clear to him.
"Je t'aime, toujours" I love you, still, he says before I finally let him kiss me.
The second time I get into the car, I tell him to walk away, because I know I won't be able to drive away knowing he's standing there watching after me. He kisses me again, laughing, thinking I'm silly. Then I watch him walk away, smiling.
//
Hi!! <333333 I'm so sorry I just disappeared! I had a lot to deal with, I got sick, and I had a big law project because apparently I decided to study law?
Also, sorry for the delay, I wrote this chapter and then today... the day I'm going to post it... Lewis decided to announce he's going to Ferrari, so I had to heavily edit the whole chapter lmao.
I'm back now though xx