Rêveuse

Chapter 26.

November 2024

I couldn't leave Italy right away. I needed to have two meetings with a psychologist after the abortion was done. Evie stayed with me, helping me through every day. Even though I wasn't in physical pain everyday, just some of them during the first week, I was in so much emotional pain that I found myself in bed for hours, just looking out the window at the gray sky and listening to the wind in the tall grass while the waves hit the shore in the distance.

Evie came with tea, with breakfast, lunch and dinner. She went into town and came back with books she had found in small second hand shops and she asked me to read them to her because they were in Italian, which she didn't speak. It kept me distracted, and she laid in my lap while I read it to her. Like a mother reading to her daughter. Something I had just put aside for myself.

But it wasn't just the abortion that made me feel so low. I had lost Mateo, and it may have been for the better because maybe he would hold this against me in the future. But it still hurt. I finally started to feel happy again, and I enjoyed spending time with him. Maybe it wasn't love, but it was something. Maybe it could have turned into love. I shouted at Charles for Mateo, and we're on horrible terms because of this guy that I ended things with a couple days after our fight.

How come I keep failing? How come I keep doing all these things wrong while Charles does everything right? He's moving on and he keeps getting all these good things for himself, while I fuck my life up even further everyday.

I'm fucking sick of feeling like this. I'm sick of fighting for myself, to try to make myself feel better just to always fuck it up again. I climb a ladder then I fall flat on my face, so I try another ladder and I fall on my face again, and the cycle just keeps on repeating itself.

As soon as I had met with the therapist two times, I booked a time to put an IUD in to prevent this from happening anymore, then we packed up and we left again. We went to Dublin, going to pubs and drinking Guinness while flirting with a bunch of Irish guys with a charming accent. Then we went to Scotland, where they had a much less charming accent, and then went on to London where the accent was quite preferable. We drank a lot of beer despite none of us being big beer drinkers. We ate a bunch of local food, except haggis and stuff like that. I have to draw the line somewhere.

We had plans to go on a ski trip and then vacation in the sun before Christmas, but Evie suddenly got jobs to do in LA. We still need money to travel, and she is still able to dance, so she got booked for some collaborations, photoshoots and stuff. I could choose to go on our trips alone, go home, or go with her to LA. I chose to go with her.

I wasn't in a state to be alone. I also wasn't in a state to face my parents, because my mom always knows when something is wrong and I didn't want her to find out. So we went back to the states, where Evie was busy during the days, so I slept the days away, sat on the balcony of our apartment. The one I sat on for hours after finding out I'd never be able to dance competitively again. I went on walks.

I had some days where I just felt empty. Not sad or angry or in shame. Just empty. I thought a lot about the abortion then. It was difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I could have had a baby growing inside of me, but I got rid of it. I don't know what feels worse, getting rid of a potential life, or bringing a baby into a world with no stable family. Mateo and I couldn't have been a family. The baby wouldn't have had a safe and loving home the way I did growing up. And putting an innocent child in that position just felt cruel. Not even to mention the emotional toll it would take on me, that would affect the kid.

There was a lot of thinking about that during my lonely hours. Then Evie came back, and we'd go get dinner, maybe go to a bar or something. I also went to see Alex and his daughter a few times, and we also had some business to discuss regarding the contracts we never ended with different sponsors.