Ayaan Fadel.
Maroudi, Nigeria.
10 Years Ago
I was there when it happened; I'm not proud to admit though. Not because I had a hand in it, quite the contrary, but because I couldn't do anything to stop, or help it.
It's hard to explain how helpless, and worthless I feel at the moment. I could barely gather my thoughts together—it's simply all over the place. Have you ever been in a situation where you wonder what you're supposed to do, only to end up more clueless?
That's how I'm feeling at the moment.
A knock on the door captured my attention, though it sounded so distant then. Before I could get myself together and turn around though, I heard the door push open and then a familiar voice came through. "Ya Mammad, Mami said you should come downstairs; daddy is back."
I wanted to turn around, or at least give her a decent response but I couldn't. I felt as though she was only making the situation worse, when she truly isn't. Of course, it's my fault. I'm the one going through a tough time, and was about to project his anger and frustration on someone innocent.
When she didn't get any response from me, my younger sister, Anisa, took a few steps further into the room. I couldn't see her, considering my back was facing her. However, I could still faintly hear the sound of her footsteps as she approached where I stood by the window—staring outside blankly; not that I could see much.
It's already night time, and even the lights surrounding the house could only brighten certain places not all. The darkness however, brought comfort to me in a way—it was a reflection of how I felt at the moment.
Like I'd bee plunged into a never-ending sea of darkness.
"Ya Mammad?" She called out softly, as she got closer. On normal basis, I always threw a fuss about how she'd address me as that. She's no longer a kid; she's fifteen for crying out loud and could pronounce my name well, not like when she was younger.
She's been so used to it though, that she simply grew up calling me that instead of 'Muhammad' like the others.
"—can you hear me? Mami is calling you." She repeated.
I blew out a small breath, my eyes flicking close for a moment. "Naji. Just go." I voiced out, my tone a bit harsh. I didn't mean it though, I simply wasn't capable of controlling my emotions then.
I must've annoyed her, because I heard her huff out a small breath before mumbling something incoherent under her breath. She didn't press further after that; she simply walked out, banging the door close behind her.
With her gone, I extended a hand to the bridge of my nose and scratch the place lightly, simply out of instinct. Blowing out an exasperated breath, my shoulders slumped as I mentally scolded myself for upsetting her.
I didn't mean it, despite it being a normal thing between us. You'd think her being my only sibling will make us close, it doesn't. I don't know if it's the five years gap between us, but we're constantly fighting all the time.
It's always been like that—especially since she gets angry easily and well I on the other hand isn't so good at consoling people. So, I always make it worse.
I've never felt bad about it though, unlike how I feel at the moment. As I stared at the door where she disappeared behind, I couldn't help but wonder if she was the one in that situation, how could I have reacted?
It didn't help that she looked up to Nailah a lot. They were so much alike, and on more than one occasion, she'd express her thoughts of preferring Nailah over me. She constantly stated how she wished the girl was her sister instead—and she was being honest every time she said it.
She was that close to her.
I couldn't help but wonder how she would take the news. How can I break the news that the girl she looks up so much is now gone...dead? And that I was there, unable to do a thing about it?
I'd known Nailah since she was adopted, her family is a close friend of ours so it's only natural we got along well. And, we do. It's one of the reasons why her death is hitting me harder than expected...and it's only been a few days.
I don't know how long I stood there, but at one point, I decided to head down. Anisa did say our father had returned, and if Mami asked her to call me then there has to be something serious they want to discuss.
So, with a slight sigh escaping past my slightly parted lips, I made my way out—making sure to keep my expression guarded. I could faintly hear murmurs from downstairs, and the closer I got, the clearer it was all getting.
"—has zero respect for me! I can't even tell him to do something now, can I? He's jeopardizing not just his family, but our company as well with this. What about our workers, huh? If this goes down how would they be able to support their families, huh? It's all too big of a risk and he's not listening to me in the slightest!" I heard my father voice out his frustration, the anger in his tone evident.
He's always been a man that gets upset easily, so hearing him rant like that isn't something new to us. However, today seemed different—he looks more enraged than usual.
On reaching the last step, I saw Mami sigh as she made her way closer to him. Stretching her hand out, she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder; her lips slanted into a slight frown. "Give him time. You know this isn't an easy thing for him to handle, right?"
My father scoffed, not wanting to agree with her even if we all know she's right—she's almost always is. "Bawanin nan!" He fervently shook his head. "There's no such thing as easy to do—it's that mindset that brought us to where we are right now. Idan dukkan su basuda hankali, then someone needs to set them all straight."
My hold around the rail tightened, making no move to take a step further so they'll notice my presence. I already know what they are talking about. I didn't need to eavesdrop more to know about it. However, I would be lying if I say I didn't stay back wanting to know where this is headed.
My mind has been constantly wondering what the outcome would be for way too long, I was dying to know what the conclusion is. Despite being twenty already, I have no doubt that they wouldn't tell me what exactly is going on.
They still don't believe I'm 'old enough', after everything. I beg to differ, but it's pointless bringing that up against them. If they both have one thing in similar, then it's their need to shelter both my sister and I. I mean, it's understandable if they feel that way towards her, she is a child after all. But, I'm not.
"You know how your brother is." Mami voiced out softly, trying to get through to him. She always manages to do so—even if it takes longer than one would expect. "There's a lot at stake right now, you both need to cool off and give it some thought. Don't make an irrational decision out of anger please. You're both going through a tough time."
"We wouldn't be in this situation if he just listens to me." My father let out a scoff, throwing his hand out in the process. He paced for a few seconds, detaching himself away from Mami. It's obvious this time around, it would take her a lot to convince him.
It seems she was starting to get tired as well though, because she didn't take another step towards him. Instead, she blew out a small breath, her expression taking a turn down starting to get annoyed lane. "You can't tell him what to do with his family." She stated, after a few seconds of silence.
This earned her a look from my father—one that screamed him wondering whether she could hear herself. The stare off lasted for a couple of seconds, before he scoffed. "Why are you acting as if this is a small issue? Don't you understand the gravity of the situation, huh?"
She blew out a breath, shaking her head in the process. "I know. And I know that he's making a lot of wrong decisions that's affecting the company as well--"
"Exactly! If it was just affecting him, then I would've allowed him to make a choice as you say. But, this involves my company! The company I've worked my whole life for. I will not stand here and watch him ruin it."
"Then what are you planning to do, huh? Venting your anger out here is not going to solve anything, kai ma ka sani. You're both too stubborn. Miye aciki if you both cool off and talk things out fisabillah? Iye?"
"Baza ki gane bane. If he continues at this rate, I'll have no choice but to cut him off from the business completely. I won't allow him to ruin my years worth of hardwook. Over my dead body." My father looked away, shaking his head in the process. He didn't add anything after that, he didn't need to.
At least, I didn't need a further explanation. I could understand where my father is coming from completely, and I could only agree with him. The picture is much bigger than he's showing Mami. If there's one of the things I've grown up to know about him, is that he tends to hide things from her regarding work especially.
Not because he doesn't trust her, but because he doesn't want to burden her with the troubles it comes with.
The company is going through a tough time, way more than she could understand since he isn't opening up to her at the moment. I only know because though I'm yet to graduate from the university, I still get involved in the business affairs. I guess that's one of the things I would thank my father for. He'd been teaching me things about business since I showed interest in it.
The plan was to get involved in the family business when the time comes.
However, this issue just had to come up. It goes a long way especially with the two brothers had been having a lot of disagreements regarding it. I'm not saying this because I'm siding with my father, but my Uncle has been taking a lot of risks with the company.
It could work out of course. But, it could also fail. Both could leave a huge impact.
It's a 50/50 something. He's willing to take the risk, regardless of what would happen if it will fail. My father though isn't. He's always the one that prefers the safer rather than the fastest way out.
It's complicated really.
The two were quiet for a while, none willing to back down. They truly are both too stubborn for their own good.
Just as I was thinking of making my presence known, since it seemed neither of them was willing to back down, Mami spoke up—putting an end to the silence.
"My friend, Rabia Fadel is in the country with her husband. Muhammad's had a tough time, I want to take him and Anisa to see them—it's a chance to get him away from all this. He needs to recuperate mentally as well. This isn't easy for him." She stated, her tone monotonous. It's her way of showing she's upset.
He ran a hand down his face, "The Maroudi Summit is in a few days--"
"We'll return in time for that." She cut him off before he could finish. "I know how important this is for you, so we'll be sure to be there for you as well."
He sighed, and shook his head. "That's not what I meant." He voiced out, his tone dropping to show his exhaustion. "I wanted to say, I'll go along with you." When she rose her head up to look at him, he offered her a small smile. "You're right, we both need to cool off. Let's take the chance to all take a break. Then, we'll come back together."