Aaron and I have successfully passed the 4-month mark of our relationship without anyone finding out. I consider that a win, especially when Rossi is included. However, it feels lonely sometimes. I wish I could tell someone. I wish we could just talk without fighting to keep a straight face in front of the others. I wish we could stop looking over our shoulder when walking together. I am happy, I am in love and I want to be able to display it. And I also feel bad for lying to David.
But if the wrong person finds out, we could both be fired. 10 years worth of work will go down the drain, and after that my mother will be insufferable. 'I told you it's not worth it. You should have married Joshua and you would have a family by now to take care of, and you wouldn't have any health problems because of them. Family is the most precious and healing thing'. I have heard these words a million times, and I don't want to hear the 'I told you so'. I love her, but her obsession with always being right is exhausting.
The next best thing is I either have to get demoted or Aaron has to get promoted, so we could be on the same level. However if Aaron gets promoted and then our relationship becomes known, I will look very biased. It was a long way to get where I am today, I don't want to lose my position. I hope that soon there will be another opening for a position equal or above my current one. I have no doubt I'll get it since my performance so far has been close to perfect. And once I transfer away from the BAU, we can be less secretive.
"Chief Stephens..." my secretary enters my office, "SSA Andy Swann is here, she insists on talking to you" she informs me
"Let her in".
I stand from my seat as she enters and walk around the desk to greet her. "Nice office" she says
"Thank you". We hug for a moment, "How are you?"
"Good. How are you?"
"Great. Do you want some coffee?" I offer
"No, thank you. I can't stay for long. I just have to tell you something"
"Something regarding the task force?" I wonder
"Yes. The director is keeping it contained, but it is urgent you get informed".
I freeze. Fear creeps into my chest. "No..." I whisper
"We believe that Dwayne Chax has resurfaced".
Suddenly, I can't feel my legs. The only thing I sense is his hands on my skin, and my stomach turns. It has been so many years but I still remember everything. I can still pinpoint the spot on my chest where he stabbed me with the needle that contained potassium chloride.
I put my hands under the desk to hide my shaking. "Olivia, we are on top of it. There is no reason to believe he will go after you or Rosaline. And if he even tries to make a move, we will get him. I just thought you'd want to know" Andy reassures me
"Yes. Thank you for letting me know" I reply, trying to get her out of here before I break down in front of her.
She nods. "I can give you full access to his file for this new investigation, so you be up to date with everything"
"Yes, I'd appreciate that"
"I'll email you when it's ready".
Her phone rings and she has to leave. As soon as she exits the office, I run to the bathroom. I fall to my knees on the first stall and throw up. I can drink tons without vomiting afterwards, but fear is my worst enemy. It paralizes me, and shuts me down.
Returning to my office, I am shaking. I can't wear the 'fierce and emotionless' mask on even for a second. I call David as I panic walk. He isn't answering. "Come on, Rossi..." a shakey breath leaves my lips.
"Chief Steph--"
"Not now!".
I shut my door closed, but someone pushes it open before I can lock it.
"Leave, Aaron" I say avoiding to look at him.
He ignores me and proceeds to lock the door and close the blinds. "What happened?"
"Where is Rossi?" I ask
"He is interrogating a suspect downstairs. What's wrong?"
"Nothing".
He tilts his head, not believing me. He sees right through me. He hasn't seen me like this before and I feel so vulnerable. The pressure in my chest grows, becoming almost unbearable. Aaron touches my back and all my defenses melt away under his touch.
I step away and sit down. I'm shaking. I'm hyperventilating. I can't breathe properly. I hold my mouth and nose closed for a moment to keep myself from sobbing.
Aaron grabs my arms immediately and forces me to let go. "Are you crazy?" he asks, almost pissed at me
"I... I can't--"
"It's going to be ok. Whatever it is, it's going to be ok" he speaks as he wraps his arms around me.
His voice, his scent, his warmth, one by one they bring my walls. And I finally start crying. He tightens his hold of me and lets me take it all out on him. He doesn't speak, he doesn't complain. He's just here for me, and that realization makes me cry even harder.
•••
I have no idea for how long I've been crying. My throat is sore and I'm almost lightheaded. Aaron hasn't moved from my side. At some point he took my wrist, to keep track of my pulse as I cried in case it got too quick. He also offered to take my blood pressure once I was calmer.
"110 over 70" he reads the screen, "Within the normal range, but close to being high. We'll check it again later"
"I doubt I'll be any calmer from now on" I admit as I wipe my eyes again.
"I already asked once, but I am not going to ask again. I understand if you don't want to share it with me" he mentions
"It's not that I don't want to tell you what happened... But it's a long, painful story"
"Ok".
"Ok? Just like that?" I ask surprised
"Yes. Do you want me to call Dave? He's probably done with the interrogation by now" he suggests
"No". I take his hand, "Thank you for staying"
"Of course" he rubs my hand.
Those memories are not pleasant. However, telling might be better than keeping him in the dark about this. He needs to know in order to be able to protect himself in case things get out of hand. And I could use his help -I don't want to drive him into overworking himself. But he deserves to know.
"Dwayne Chax is back...", another tear escapes my eye and I wipe it off quickly.
"You don't have to tell me"
"I need to. Because I might be in danger and someone has to know where to start looking if something happens. I need someone to keep me sane. I can't face this alone" I insist
"Hey, I'm right here for whatever you need" he rubs my back.
"When I was graduating from the academy, Andy Swann approached me with an offer. She was very clear to me from the beginning that she wants to send me undercover to gather leads about a suspected trafficking operation in Arizona. I matched their known victim pool and that is why she chose me. So, I accepted that offer as my first job in the bureau. I was paired up with another agent, SSA Rosaline Johnson. She was more experienced in these types of situations and she was posing as my sister in that scenario. We were sent in a small town in Arizona posing as college students.
"Everything was going according to plan, we confirmed the existence of the operation, we gathered so much information and we were sending it back to the bureau. 5 months and 6 days later, on October 13th, I woke up in the morning but something felt off. It was too quiet to the point you couldn't even hear a clock ticking. I remember I grabbed my gun before even leaving my room. I stepped into the hallway and then darkness...
"I woke up in a wooden box, not bigger than 4x4x4. I was in and out of consciousness. I ended up in Mexico, along with the rest of the victims. There were women and underaged girls there held up in cells, and many other guarding everything. I spend the following two days learning their patterns. I spotted the weaknesses right away and I went for it.
"Of course, I was caught and they realized pretty quickly I was law enforcement. So they took me to the boss. He...".
I choke up. I squeeze my thighs together as much as possible as the painful memories return to me.
"He said he wasn't going to kill me because he didn't like to get his hands dirty. I was chained down in a basement alone for three more days until they found me. He was the only one allowed to be there, and you can probably imagine what happened..." I sob. Aaron pulls me to his chest again and holds me tightly.
I collect every last bit of energy I have left to continue. "It's not over yet. Because in his attempt to escape and not leave any witnesses once they located him, he injected me with potassium chloride. I felt my heart stop, I felt the darkness and cold take over. And for a moment I was ok with it because I wouldn't have to feel what I feel now. But in some magical way they managed to get me back. I was in a medically induced coma for a week and kept getting worse day by day. I was in heart failure which caused me heart attacks, and the heart attacks were worsening the heart failure situation. I woke up a month later with a gift by my left shoulder" I point the spot where my pacemaker used to be in.
"When did they catch him?" Aaron asks
"They didn't. There was a multiple hour car chase, and eventually they shot him down and he fell in the ocean in his car. There was never a body and they didn't find the car in the following 2 months they were searching, but it was a safe bet that he would be dead. And now he isn't..."
"And you're scared"
"Terrified. Things I fought to get over in therapy and thought I had left behind, came back as soon as Andy said his name earlier. I remember everything. I can still feel him. I can smell him. I can taste him. And I am disgusted with myself". I don't dare to look at him.
"None of that was your fault"
"So many times I wished I had died in that basement. And I tried to end it. Then I wouldn't have to feel like this"
"No, don't say that, please" he begs me
"I should have died--"
"No, Liv. No!" he raises his voice. "No" he repeats calmer this time and hugs me again. "I'm really sorry all that happened to you, you didn't deserve any of it and you are not at fault. But don't ever say that again".
"I can't go through all that again" I confess
"You won't have to. I promise you I'll be with you every step and he won't touch you again".
I want to believe him so bad, but deep down I know he can't control that. I don't say anything. Instead, I just hug him back and I let myself feel safe for a bit.