Being a mother was never on my bucket list. It was never something that I had imagined would be in the cards for me. Even after meeting Joe and falling in love with him, for the longest time I was set on not having any children. Then came the day that I felt open to the idea. If I was going to be a parent, he's the only one I would want to do it with. Regardless, I still didn't foresee it happening anytime soon... until the pink lines showed up. By then, it was too late to change my mind.
Since I found out I was pregnant, I've been sitting with the uneasy feeling on becoming a mother. The notion that not only was I going to be a bad mother, but I was never meant to be one in the first place. How could I be a mother? A woman who grew up in a world where life was nothing but pain and discomfort and danger. And role models were the people you strived to fight or kill like not those who taught you how to ride a bike or sat on the edge of your bed listening and actually caring about your feelings. How was I meant to be a mother when I didn't have a maternal role model myself? I know guns and combat and how to shred emotion from my mind, not bottles and diapers and kissing boo-boos.
But, somehow... when the skin of my daughter was placed on mine, only seconds after she was born... it all disappeared. And the only thing I could fathom was the humanly impossible amount of love I felt for the small human lying on my chest, in my arms. How is it possible to love someone or something so much.
But then it came back. The doubt. The fear. The uneasy feeling. The positively charge of knowing that I will ruin this child... despite my love for her. Despite my love for the child I quite literally just gave birth to, the overpowering fear of destroying her allows me to keep my distance. The only exception being when she needed to be fed, as I had decided before she arrived to breast feed, knowing the health benefits it has for her. She, being who I assume she's going to be, caught on to latching very quickly, thank God. We had both read so many stories of breast feeding being such a challenge that I had imagined it being harder, but she immediately caught onto it, latching like a pro and feeding with no problems.
I'm not sure if Joe had caught onto my distance from our daughter as he has enjoyed holding her every moment, staring down at her in awe, yet still finding time to constantly check on me as well, making sure I'm not in too much pain or need anything. Yet now I can only feel guilty for not holding her, feeling as though I'm abandoning her. I'm not though, I'm feeding her... I'm here. Jeez, she's only been in the world for 6 hours and I'm already feeling guilty about not holding her. 7:47am.
"Hey," Joe speaks up, catching my attention from the wall I was currently staring at. "Kev just texted, he said both of our parents are at our place along with Kev, Dani, the girls, Nick and Pri. Are you feeling up to company, or no?" He asks, gently massaging my shoulder. "Don't feel like you need to say yes, it's totally up to you."
"Umm," I gulp. "I don't know... honestly."
He nods, pulling up a chair and grabbing my hand in both of his, placing a kiss on the back of it. "Hey..."
"I'm okay," I nod, not looking at him. "I'm okay. I just don't know if I'm ready, socially."
He nods, now catching onto my hesitation. "You're still feeling weary about her, aren't you?"
I let out a humorless laugh, shaking my head. "For a second... I thought maybe you'd be right."
"She was just born, my love," he says, rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb. "It may take some time."
I nod, gulping down the lump in my throat. "Maybe I should try to sleep, I haven't really gotten any sleep."
He nods. "Okay, yeah, try to sleep. She just ate 20 minutes ago, that should give you some time. I've got her. I'll tell them to wait a bit. Maybe by the time you're ready Hope and Tori and Stella will be there too."
I nod as he pushes the hair off my forehead and leaves a kiss on my temple.
"I love you."
"I love you too," I whisper in response, closing my eyes to try and fall asleep.
Awoken by the nurse, for the millionth time since I attempted to sleep, I let out a sigh, deciding to give up on receiving any sleep, knowing it's probably almost time for her to eat again anyway.
"I'm sorry, baby," Joe says after the nurse leave. "At least you were able to doze off a few times."
I nod. "Have you heard from them?"
He nods. "Yes. Hope, Tori, and Stella made it to the house safely. Everyone's just hanging out and they said to tell you that they will wait as long as you need to come see her. They don't want to rush you into visitors."
"She's their family too, though."
Joe shakes his head. "If you don't want visitors yet, it's okay. They're okay with it and I'm gonna back you up on whatever you need."
I hesitate, licking my lips. "I mean, I didn't have any complications, no tearing," I pause. "How long do I have to be here?"
Joe raises his eyebrows. "You want to go home?"
"I don't want to be here," she shrugs. "I can't get any sleep with everyone waking me up constantly and we have more than enough people at home to help us with everything."
He nods. "I'll go ask the nurse if it's a possibility."
"Okay," I say, biting my lip. "Can you hand her to me first?"
"Of course," he says, picking her up and gently laying her in my arms before leaving the room to find the head nurse.
"Okay little one," I sigh. "Look, I know you're only 9 hours old... but you're going to have to help me out here. I don't have any idea what I'm doing here. If I'm being honest," I pause, letting out a deep breath. "I'm not sure you're even supposed to exist, me as your mom and all... but you're here and I may not know how this is all going to work out but, I do love you, princess. So, help me out here. Don't be too hard on me, okay?"
Joe soon walks in the with nurse who checks in with me to confirm my request before telling me that considering the lack of complications with me and baby, there's no reason for me to be required to stay. She lets us know to go ahead and prepare to leave as she will get discharge papers ready for us and we'll be able to leave in a few of hours.
Joe begins packing up our things, leading me to look over at him, biting my lip.
"Hey, can you hand me her bag?" I ask, pointing to it on the chair over in the corner.
He nods, beginning to grab it.
"Actually, if you wanna open it, I just want to put her in her going home outfit before we leave."
He grins softly, opening the bag and placing the outfit on the table next to me. "What do you want to wear home, my love?"
"I'm okay with the comfy like rose pink pajamas," I tell him, pointing to the pair in my bag that lays open.
He nods, grabbing it and put it on the table next with hers.
After an hour of holding her in my arms and watching Joe gather our things frantically, making sure we're not leaving anything behind, I decide to feed her again, knowing it'll be any time now before we're given our discharge papers and can start the drive back home. By the time we get there, all the kids should be asleep, leaving it to be a calm welcome home with her.
"Okay, I'm going to go downstairs and check the car seat one more time," Joe says, patting his pockets for the keys.
"Babe, we have time, I'm sure our papers aren't ready yet or anything," I tell him.
"No, I know but I want to check it anyways, just so we're ready. Ah," he grabs his keys off the table and turns to me again. "Do you think I should have someone come out and check it with me? They would know better than me, I mean I had no idea what I was doing when I installed the thing."
"Will it make you feel better if someone else looks at it?"
He nods. "I think so. I'll have someone look at it."
"Good idea."
He rushes out of the room, leaving me to giggle and look down at the little girl still in my arms, sleeping away.
"I think your daddy is going to lose his mind."
Joe returns a while later, still frantic but not over the car seat as he, in fact, did get someone else to check it as well.
"Babe, the papers aren't even ready yet, why don't you sit and hold her for a few minutes, you're making me anxious," I tell him honestly.
He sighs. "You're right, I'm sorry."
He gently lifts her from my arms, taking her over to the couch and comfortably sitting with her, once again taking the time to stare down at her.
The amount of love in Joe's eyes immediately makes all of my struggling worth it. Which is exactly why I'm determined to fake it until I can't anymore... and then push myself to fake it furthermore. He doesn't deserve a partner who makes it harder on him. He deserves a partner who is just as excited and ready for his daughter. So, that's what I'll pretend to be.
Watching Joe admire Willa allows me to once again close my eyes, finally drifting off for a few moments, the next time my eyes opening being to discharge instructions, tips, and care instructions for myself as I heal from giving birth. After making sure paperwork is done and everything is copied and given to us, I'm helped into my clean pair of pajamas and then get Willa dressed, grinning lightly at her outfit that will immediately announce her name to our families while Joe takes our things down to the car and pulls it up to the front doors for us to leave.
Willa's Going Home Outfit:
Addison's Going Home Outfit:
Once Joe is back upstairs, I'm placed in a wheelchair and rolled downstairs as Joe is helped in putting Willa in her car seat before he carries her down alongside me. Once she's in the car, he turns to me.
"I wanna sit with her," I tell him, taking his hand as he helps me up.
"Yes ma'am," he nods once, helping me into the car before thanking the hospital staff yet again and climbing into the front seat of the car.
"Alright, Willa," I tell her as he starts to drive away from the hospital. "You ready to meet your crazy ass family?"
I hear Joe chuckle, a grin on his face as he peers at me through the review mirror.
Time to put on a show.
***
okay okay, another chapter because I am just so excited and can't hold back from uploading it
Willa is hereeeee :)
how are feeling? what are we thinking? I wanna hear all your thoughts.
all my love,
shan:)