WHEN IT WAS
Y/n
I hold my chest feeling my heart thumping crazily inside my rib cage.
What just happened?
Did I just sitting on Jungkook's lap accidentally?
And I say I'm married? What have I done!
I face palmed myself as I look my pathetic face on the mirror. He must be thinking that I use the opportunity to flirt with him. When the actual feeling was embarrassed.
There's no way my heart shiver the way I meet my first love. That feeling is gone, I make sure of it when I vowed to love my husband unconditionally. But it does. Even my cheeks still red. Blushing red. And it's not good.
When I feel him in my arms, some weirdness invading my head, told me to feel and to stay longer, to almost agreeing with him that I should stay like that for awhile. But I don't. I need to control myself.
Yet I failed.
I wash my face a few time, splashing the water brutally to my face to get myself out of my imagination. But Jungkook wasn't really an Imagination. He is real, he is coming with me to Gwangju. And I have to host him in my house. My house when I used to spend my time with my family, now I'm gonna inviting stranger.
"Y/n, are you finished?"
The door being knocked and I almost jumped. It's his voice, he came after me.
I grab the tissue to clean my face before I open the door and his gorgeous figure show off before my eyes.
"What take you so long?" He ask with concern.
"I'm sorry, I was, I was on the phone."
This is ridiculous when I give him such a lie excuse as my brain works to memories where my phone are. It was in my purse.
"I thought something happen to you."
I step out of the cubicle and he step aside, I walk first towards my seat and he follows behind me.
Even from this distance, I can still smell his fragrance. Everything still the same as if he doesn't want to changed any thing. When I took glanced at him, the scar on his cheek were visible. That must be from the accident years ago. The more I look at him, the more I feel guilty. Jungkook doesn't deserve pain that I caused him. And what I have been through is nothing compare to his.
I look out to the window, the wide skies, I may imagining sees the butterfly flying at this high. And the sleepiness consuming me. I drown into the dreamland.
When I feel tap on my shoulder, I open my eyes slowly and feel my head resting on a shoulder. I realized that I sleep on Jungkook's shoulder.
"We're here." I look up only to see his face so close to mine, similar to when I accidentally sit on his lap, but more closer. I don't know what makes me smile but the facial nerves indeed giving the show of that expression.
"You have a good dream?" He smile, teased me.
"I think I'm still dreaming."
"This is reality, Y/n."
In a mere second he would touch my face with his finger to make me realize that it wasn't a dream. But I fastly move back before I regret it for the lifetime.
"I'm sorry."
"You always do. When you didn't make any mistakes, I wonder why you always apologize to me." I gather up my stuff and so he is. But apparently he wants to distract it with serious conversation.
"Because I do make a lot of mistakes, especially to you."
He stops, getting up to get his backpack. He stare at me when I was stuck in the corner of his eyes and no where to escape this anymore.
"If you consider that is your mistakes, don't you think you should make it up to make me forgive you?"
I swallow hard. My heart beating uncontrollably fast as if I will get a heart attack anytime soon. But oddly joy when I also feel the butterfly shyly on my stomach.
"What do you want, Jungkook?" I mention his name painfully.
My tears threatening to fall remembering the day he's being hurt. I should never asked what he want, the correct question was what did he want me to do to make him forgive me.
But it looks like he will give me a choice. A hard choice.
"Never mind. Let's get out of here first."
I follow him out side as I saw Irish and Pru waving their hands at us. I wave at the back and walking fast to them. Leaving the girls alone is a dangerous thing to do. I need to keep an eye on them to make sure they're okay. The paranoia I've felt of losing Irish seems not leaving me. The day she was taken by her own father is enough to give me a shock. Even after that, he make everything's right.
"Should we take taxi?" Jungkook suggest. I glance at him taking a deep breath in order to feel the air of Gwangju. This became my hometown now, and I think I will not comfortable living in another place anymore.
"I have my car in a parking lot," I lead them to the basement parking lot as they follow.
Irish hold my hand and I smile at her. The girls sit on the back but Jungkook stop me.
"Let me drive it." He said, holding my wrist. I look at that snake tattoo that peeking out. And I look up to his face.
"It's okay, let me drive." I let my hand go and open the door quickly to avoid more electric effect he put me through.
Why I still feel this way? I'm married, and I love Butter.
I push the thought away, as everyone inside the car, I hit the gas to leave the airport. Jungkook is going to see my house where I spend my time with my family. I wished Lucas received my text, he needs to clean the house spotless before Jungkook saw it. Butter is not home, and I haven't tell him that Jungkook is come along. I don't know what should I tell him, but I will later.
Pulling over to my garage, it was empty as always, only Lucas stays in the front yard welcoming us. He was ready to open the door soon as I parked.
"He still here?" Jungkook utterly say in disbelief.
"Lucas is my loyal bodyguard."
I turn off the engine and look back to the girls. Irish seems to be excited after awhile she wasn't home, she grabbed her best friend's hand and getting out of the car. Lucas welcome them with smile. And the he approach the passenger side where Jungkook sit. When the door is open, Lucas widened his eyes in surprise to see Jungkook. But then he overcome the shock an being professional.
"Mr. Jeon. I didn't expect to see you again." He said bowing a little. Jungkook step out of the car and Lucas close the door for him.
"Me too." He said lightly.
"How was the flight?"
"Fantastic."
Until then, Lucas offered to take our stuffs inside while me and Jungkook awkwardly walk into the house. He examine the situation, his eyes didn't stop wondering soon as he's at the house.
"Do you want anything to drink?" I walk to the kitchen to open the fridge as he flinched a little. Decided to follow me.
"You have flavoured water?" I smile at his request. He is trying to bring back memory.
"Yes." I took out cherry flavor for him and he is smiling in response.
"You still remember my favorite?" He open that cap and start drinking, I was waiting for him to finish before I answer.
"Cherry is my favorite too." That's my alibi. I took one for myself but it's orange flavor. He must be notice it.
"Then why you drink orange instead of cherry?"
Why does it matter?
"Because the cherry was the last I have."
Jungkook smile again. "You should have told me, I can share it with you."
I almost chocked on my water, and now my face is cherry red in embarrassment. He knew how to fire back when I didn't mean to tease him. I shouldn't have drink at all. Why am I so stupid?
"Uhm, I'm sure you were tired, let me show you the guest room so you can rest there, we'll leave to Daegu tomorrow."
I walk out of the kitchen and going to the guest room. As I can hear, Jungkook followed. I walk fast and stopped at the brown door.
I use the different paint with my own bedroom just to make sure the guest remember where his room is. My house is quite big but only a single floor.
I'm no longer lived in my old house with Hoseok, after me and Butter got married, we earned our own house closer to my restaurant.
I open the door and step aside to give him a space. But he stop there.
"Have a good rest. If you need anything just tell Lucas, he will help you." I tell him before he ever say a word that will provoke the butterfly once more.
"What are you gonna do?"
"Resting. I will make dinner after I take nap, you should sleep too."
I smile at him awkwardly. Him being in this house is already so odd. If Butter is not in Daegu probably this situation will never put us together again. I'm enough feel guilty without even wanting to. But I do.
Leaving Jungkook to rest, I went to my bedroom and locked the door. I touched my chest to feel the heart beat beating rapidly. I lean at the door and close my eyes.
I have my purpose here to take a nap and I do. I went to my bed and lie down. Closing my eyes trying to sleep but it wasn't easy. My mind still wide awake. Everything is happen so fast. Until my phone ring pulling me back to reality.
As my husband's number appear on the screen, I'm so happy and relief. I pick up his call fast.
"Hello."
"Hey, did you reach home?" I feel calm soon as I hear him.
"Yes, just awhile ago. How was Taena?"
"She's missing you, and she keep asking for her mom."
"Can I see her?"
"Yeah, let me switch to the video."
I wait for his call again, a second later his face show up on the screen. He had that dark circles, certainly explain that he didn't get enough sleep. He was still in bed with our daughter sleep peacefully next to him.
"You didn't sleep last night?"
"Not really, Taena wants to come with my dad to the city but I didn't let her, and she made at me, I told her mommy is coming tomorrow and she finally want to sleep." He ruffles his hair, his eyes tired and that makes me want to fly there and hug him.
"I'm sorry. I should have listened to you."
"No, baby, I.. I know you missed Irish, and I was the one that offering you the idea." He rub his eyes. There's no way I tell him Jungkook is here, I will take always his rest time brutally by giving him such a burden.
"What's wrong?" He say, snapping me from my thought.
"Nothing, I will go early tomorrow."
"Don't drive alone. Asked Lucas to go with you so you can rest."
"I've rest enough, I will drive and that's fine, it's faster."
He chuckles huskily. "Just be careful, Peanut."
"I know, sleep well, Butter."
"I love you." When he look at me with those eyes, I feel weakness. Those loving eyes filled with fondness and honest. He always look at me the same way as the first time we've met.
"I love you." Yes I do.
The phone call ended.
I get up from the bed and not feel like sleeping anymore. I went to the bathroom and take a shower before I cook dinner.
°°°
The girls awake and sitting on the stools to watch me cooking their favorite dish. Irish asked for fried rice with chicken steak, Prudence love to eat chicken soup. They want to help me but I told her to just sit down. I don't want them to get tired cooking with me. In another reason, I'd like to do everything alone because I think it's faster than together. It was a different perspective but sometimes we had our own opinion to used and practical. Or maybe I got use to it.
"Did you always cooking that fast, Aunt Y/n?" I look up to Prudence.
"Not always." I smile and back to my soup. I walk to the oven to check the chicken.
"Peanut is a loner. She refused help from another because she thinks working alone is faster." My niece knowing me well enough.
"That was the opinion everyone not really agree to it." I chuckles at the painful reality. But the loner part was correct.
"Do we leave to Daegu tomorrow with uncle Jungkook as well?" Irish asks.
"Yes." I answer, we exchanged stare as if knowing what our minds has been worried about.
"Is uncle Butter know he's here?"
"No, I haven't tell him. Your cousin mad at your uncle because she wants to come with her grandfather to the city but her father didn't allow her. She didn't sleep properly last night."
"Poor Taena. I missed her too."
"You'll see her, we'll leave early tomorrow."
"I never been to Daegu, how long does it take to reach there." Pru picked one sausage to eat.
"Two, three hours."
The chicken steak, chicken soup, kimchi fried rice and salad is ready. My nieces helping me set the table.
"Where's uncle Kookie?" I look at his room door that is still tightly closed. He maybe still sleeping.
"I'll get him, he stays in a guest room?" Irish get up from her seat and I let her do that. I took off my apron and wash my sticky hands. She came back after a few seconds without Jungkook.
"He's not in his room." I frown. Wondering where he might be.
I leave the kitchen and going to the left yard to find him. But he wasn't there. Then I went to the right yard where the swimming pool's are. Jungkook standing by the pool still wearing his clothes from earlier. The sun is set, the orange shade shining on him causing his shadow to be taller than he is.
I take my step closer hesitantly. Trying not to make so much noise that will catch his attention too much. But his back move slowly as he turned around and caught me.
"Uhm, dinner is ready." I said awkwardly. Jungkook just nod and turned around to see the sunset once more.
"It's beautiful here, Y/n." He said calmly. I titled my head to the side.
"Yes it is."
"Do you remember when we watch this scenery at the beach?" I look back at me, his eyes telling me to come closer. And my heart told me to do the same. I walk closer to him.
"Yes, that was a long time ago."
"How do you feel?" He look at me standing next to him.
"What feel?"
"That time when it was, and now the memory repeat it self?"
Honestly, I don't know how to answer it.
"I feel joy, and I don't want time to run so fast."
"And now?" He made his focus only to me, staring at my eyes deeply as I do the same.
"Do you feel joy?" He repeat.
"Jungkook, that was past, either it's happening again in the future doesn't matter."
"But your past is standing right in front of you. You just simply tell me how you feel." He's a bit demand putting on his words. I know that something has changed.
"Is not the same, of course. Everything changed."
"Then did you ever wonder if my feelings to you is changed at all?"
Really? He want to talk about that now?
"I don't know."
Being forced to admit that I still have feelings for him is rude. It's like someone forcing you to reveal your secret.
On my frustration, smile appear on his face, he lean closer and raise his hand to tuck my hair behind my ear.
"I'm sorry that I bring back memory, Y/n. I can't help it. What we have is so beautiful back then, seeing you again is like I'm walking on a thin line, I could fall anytime, but there's always something pulling me back on the line." He trace his finger on my jaw before pulling away.
"What did you cook for dinner?" His next question snapping me back to reality. I was froze before, he was right, I feel the same way, it's never easy walking back to the past especially when you're not over it. I will only welcomed by invisible torture. I wonder why am I still here? When I know it was hurting me.
"I made.."
"Actually don't tell me, I want it to be surprise. Come on." He walk away to the house leaving me there alone with my head is undone by the thought.
Dinner tonight feel incomplete yet warm and cozy because Jungkook is here. I stole glance at him, he eats calmly enjoying every bite. I cook his favorite without wanting to. He loves kimchi fried rice, he loves all kind of food.
I was worried that this dinner will be awkward. But it's not, Jungkook really behave well in front of the girls. And I'm thankful. He also help me clean up after and make sure the girls sleep well.
10:00 pm
I usually read on the library before bed and make a call to my husband. I reach chapter seven of the novel I read with title 'take that'.
A sudden marriage proposal between two people whom secretly adoring each other for the past three years. The male is happen to have sex with the drunk lady that it's her, ever since then, the lady was captivating him and he choose to love her silently rather telling her how he feels.
But Butter is something else. He would gladly admit his feelings whenever he feels like it without having doubt and there's no sign of backing off any time soon until he got what he want. Until he get me.
"What you read?"
A voice startled me as I look up from malicious chapter. Only to see Jungkook entering the library. Our library is basically next to the living room. I like collecting books from every genre and it took four years to have all these shelves filled with my collection.
Jungkook walking towards the law shelf and took out one book. That book is when I study marriage law at some point. Even I will never need to get involved with it, it's not wrong to add more knowledge about law.
"You're studying marriage law?" He show me the book cover and I look at him annoyed. Closing my own book and bring it back to the shelf.
"Yes."
"Why you still awake, Jungkook?" I walk towards the couch to get my phone. I heard the sofa moving behind me, I look back and he seated by the corner and start to read book he picked.
"I'm not sleepy. Do you mind if I stay here?" He look up with his pleading eyes.
"Sure, you can stay. Good night."
I walk out the library but then he seems to have another plan.
"Wait, Y/n." He get up, walking towards me.
"You wanna stay here with me? Just talking."
I breathe, I'm not forget how to breathe, but somehow the air is stuck on my throat.
My husband doesn't know, I haven't tell him about Jungkook because he was already tired taking care of Taena alone. I can't add anymore burden to his mind. I just wait for a good time to tell him but it never come, seems like the situation only exist for me and Jungkook to be in the same frame.
"Please, we're just gonna talk, as friend." He noted. I can't say no, or I wouldn't. Because maybe deep down I want to spend my time with Jungkook because it's not every day that I got this opportunity. The opportunity when my husband is not around and he doesn't know. Didn't I should be feel guilty?
"Fine." I walk back to the sofa, keeping my distance by sitting on the very edge when he sat across to me, maybe like five feet apart.
The book that he would read earlier is placed on his lap with his eyes focus on me. A little smile on his face explains that he's content, and happy. It seems like reading book was never be in his purpose. He just wanted to talk to me, spend time with me.
Silence but only stare each other. I don't know what has been going on with his mind, but I'm sure it's all about is in the past.
"How was the job in italy?" I start with normal question. Jungkook smile.
"It was good."
"You haven't come home since-"
My wedding.
"I come home whenever they give me a day off." He simply answer. He wouldn't let me know if he in fact come home every year.
"How was Imo?"
His mother that I remember was the sweetest and supportive. I missed her clumsiness when we cook together. Too bad that we don't have much time to spend before I left. I never had a chance to apologize to her for what I did to her son.
"Mother is good. She start a new relationship with her fellow doctor." I like smile imagine how happy she must be.
"Your house is being bought by V Hyung soon as you left." He said, and I know about it, Butter didn't feel like selling the property for good, he said the house will remain mine and mine alone.
"But no one stay there."
"There is a woman whom taking care of that house."
A woman?
He never mentioned it. Maybe because I never ask about that house. This is not something I want to discuss.
"So, did V Hyung know I'm here?"
There you go.
"I haven't tell him, he was busy with our child, and he must be tired so I let him rest."
"And you rather let him find out on his own?"
"No, I'll tell him, but when the situation is calm."
Jungkook put the book back on the shelf and walking towards the window that will give him a city night view. If anything I want about a house is where there's hill with a good view, swimming pool and garden. But not everything I want I got it. The city View and a pool is enough.
"He's my friend, and he is still do. I don't want him to misunderstand about us."
"Maybe you shouldn't come at first place."
I feel annoyed, he blame me for something I didn't do. He turned around, his three button shirt is open showing his toned chest, I didn't noticed that before because maybe I hadn't give attention for a small detail about him.
"I always like challenge, Y/n. Challenge lead me to win the game and earn the trophy."
What is that mean?
"What do you mean?"
"Simple. I have two weeks off before I go back to Italy, and I'd like to spend that with my friends. Do you remember my cousin Jimin?"
Yeah. I nod.
"He and V Hyung was a school mate. Best friend for life. He planned to see him in Daegu tomorrow. And why not I join. I am here, this is gonna be fun, right?"
Now I understand everything.
"Then why did you have to go with me instead of going with your cousin if you want to meet Taehyung?"
"I'm not interested on some lame drive with Jimin. With you is more interesting."
Coming closer, he tucked my hair from my forehead and smirking at his victory of fooling me. I shouldn't hate him but I do. I feel guilty before but now I'm not. It was the slightest.
"You look more beautiful." He caresses my jaw, me fighting not to give in to his touch that I self-admitted, miss for the dear life.
His touch was different. Never change the way he move his fingers to trace my jaw and up to my cheek using his whole four fingers when the thumb stays in the jaw. I lock my eyes with his bravely.
"I see fear in your eyes now. Why?"
If he was right, I fear a lot of things. Right now, actually, I mentally betraying my husband by having this encounter with my ex.
"You know what I fear now, my husband doesn't know you're here."
"Then tell him I'm here, so simple."
"I can't. What he will thinking? I cheat on him?" He smile mocking me.
"We didn't do anything. Not yet, until you decide." His smirks appear evilly.
"There's nothing we will do."
"You don't know that, Y/n. You don't even show me the same reaction when you married to Hoseok. Your sparkling eyes, they were happy to see me. Then why not now?"
Really? He want to talk about that now?
"It was different, I was relief and happy that you were save, I'm grateful that he kept his promise to let you live. But right now my husband is not your threats, Jungkook. My fear was to how he would think of us being together when he's not around." He pull away his hand and backing off, is like he finally knew his limits.
"You fear to admit that you still love me. Right, Y/n?"
What is he trying to make me feel?
I sigh in disbelief and exhausted but not my physical. My entire emotion is worn out. I need some space but he seems to refuse to give me one.
"You can't just come and demand me to admit my feelings to you."
"There's nothing difficult, Y/n, you tell me you still love me or not and I will accept whatever you say." If that's what he want.
"Fine. I don't have feelings for you anymore. All of these time, I feel guilty about what you've been through, but now I move on and love someone else. Can you accept that?"
"You feel guilty because you never let me fight with you. If you didn't make decision on your own and share your burden with me, we will never be separated brutally. I'm coming for you that night to safe you, we could have fight together, that's why I came." His voice stern, letting out his anger that he has been kept for a long time.
"Because I don't want to hurt you more than I already are! He threatened me to end your life if I don't leave you. He threatened to kill Irish so there's no more holding us back. Back then I knew he was a psychopath before he explained himself but that's how he wants to open my eyes to see what is really happen. You don't deserve to get hurt because of my past, Jungkook, soon or later I will push you out of my life in order to protect you. I was never meant to be. I swear, I never want to hurt you." I cry, almost falling on my knees if he's not hold me and pull me to his embrace.
This one was deeply I keep from everyone. This feeling, this guilt. Not even my husband would dare to ask or even slightly mention it in a small chance no matter how curious he was.
Jungkook hug me, caressing my head and back. This embrace is familiar. This body bolder and wider, almost twice of the size I've remember before. Jungkook is changed. Certainly to be better to overcome his heart break. He managed to make me give the attention he wanted. He has that spell to seduce me more wild a player would do. But he's not a player. I don't want to pretend what he has with Amy is nothing more than just sex. Either of them secretly having it with someone else, I wouldn't care. This moment right now, succeed making me forgot that I'm married.
His scent of fragrance musky and enchanting. Hypnotized me to take a deep breath to take all his aroma for later when I needed.
The way he caresses my back up and down ever so smoothly. I close my eyes to snuggle more. Let me feel guilty later, but now let me have this. I miss him for dear life. I clutched on his shirt, holding onto my fate that is might be falling.
"I'm not giving up on you, Y/n. I love you so much and it will always like that."
I snapped at his confession, slowly backing away. Looking at him in disbelief. He doesn't understand a little bit what I just told him.
"Please don't. I'm really sorry. Don't do this to yourself. You deserve so much better than me."
"Then I will never date anyone after you because you were the last one that I ever wanted."
He caress my cheek, this time he even leaning closer, ready any time he would place those warm lips on mine. But before everything goes too far, I give myself mercy to not falling even more deeper. I move away and running back to my bedroom like a coward. Leaving him just like I did before. Leaving him in a misery once again.