(HI 🫠💗✨️ I hope that you are doing good 🥺 sending you a hug if you need it🫂 next chapter is here, hope that you will love it 💗💗💗take care 💗 love you 💗 )
His cheek never had felt this soft, his body never had felt this relaxed after what he emotionally lived. The bed wasn't that comfortable but it was perfectly enough for them now, it was what they needed. And when Porsche, Kinn and Tankhun walked away from the room, Kim also took another nap without even realising, he was cradling thanks to Porchay's warmth, he was peacefully loving the silence and the safety he had never really experienced. Before this, Kim would have never felt this way, he had been hurt from time to time but it was never this deadly and yet he liked it better this way, he felt alive, more alive, not because he had played with death and won, but because he had done it for someone, not for a mission, or not for his father, not because he was obligated, not because it was usual and his destiny, just because he had wanted. From the deepest bottom of his soul, it had been a reflex, an instinct he didn't even know he had: the sacrifice of his own life for someone else. Kim would have laughed at anyone thinking that he would be able to do this. He didn't quite like a lot of people and he often prioritised his own safety.
Everything changed when Porchay happened, it changed when his heart just embraced the blissful sensation of caring for someone else, not caring just as a brother as a kind of logical and blood related relationship, but caring when it wasn't logical, when it wasn't a necessity, when it wasn't obvious, when no one would have scolded him in their family for putting his life first instead of protecting one of the Kittisawat, no one would have, even clapping for what he was able to not do, sacrifice wasn't that appreciated in their world.
It wasn't even directly for Porchay, it was Porsche, it was a brother he had not a different relationship than Kinn and his boyfriend. He didn't even talk a lot with him, he didn't develop a close emotion, he was just Porchay's brother. He wasn't only, Kim was, taking in perspective Porchay's own feelings. He was his brother, his Hia, he was his protector, he was his rock, he was his helper, he was everything made to protect the boy. Kim recognised it, more than just knowing, he was even cherishing that situation which had permitted his lover to feel happier, to feel loved before he even could arrive in his life. It was all of this that he had protected, it was Porchay's smile, it was Porchay's future, it was his heart and his soul.
He also protected Kinn in a way, but it wasn't what he had thought of first, it was more like a bonus, Porsche was at the centre of everyone's life he wanted to care about, even a small amount more for his brothers than before because the Kittisawat had been a model of what brotherhood could be and if they didn't want to change the way they were, the Theerapanyakul just got closer without realising, they got closer because they had also people in common to protect and not a business or some missions, they had hearts to love and those souls created a bridge between each one of them, renewing the old path of the Theerapanyakul.
However, he couldn't understand why the moment Porchay woke up, why the moment he felt someone moving and when he also opened his eyes, he had to cross the violent judgmental pupils of his boyfriend. Porchay sat down on the edge, really riskily with how tiny the space was. Kim tried to sit down.
"Don't...you need to rest P'Kim..." He said, pushing back, not really pushing on his shoulder but preventing him from trying any move anymore.
"Chay...what's happening?" Kim had to ask, he had to get his explanation. This was the moment he understood that he might begin to know Porchay by heart because he definitely felt that something was clearly wrong in the way he was reacting.
"I am just... trying to still realise what happened..." He smiled sadly, caressing Kim's hair. "You could have died." His voice broke.
"But I didn't."
"You could have...been hurt to the point of losing some functions..."
"But it didn't happen...Chay. I am all well from what they said, I just need to rest, do not worry too much." Kim squeezed his hand but Porchay seemed to not be receptive to his words, as if what he was saying was just confirming something he couldn't let pass, as if he was getting more frustrated with each answer.
"So what? If everything is alright, will you do it again?" He asked, menacingly hinting that Kim shouldn't even try to think about it.
"If it's to protect you, yes."
"But you didn't protect me, you protected my Hia..." Porchay argued, it was different, it was way different. Kinn could have done it, it would be the same and what confused the boy even more was that Kim didn't even have a friendship with Porsche, they just appreciate each other because they kinda had no choice with Porchay in the middle, they were mostly strangers for now.
"It's the same Chay...if something happens to Porsche, you will be heartbroken for the rest of your life..."
"And you? How can you not think about you? Kim! If you just run into danger and get shot on a daily basis, how should I react? What are you for me? Just something, just nothing? Just a way I don't know to keep me busy!"
"Chay..."
"No, don't squeeze my hand P'Kim! I am not angry, I am just worried, I am so worried that at each opportunity you will just easily jump on the occasion to be hurt, again and again, and what will you say each time? That it was for me? I don't want you to die!" Porchay began to cry, his tears falling from his cheeks, his lips were trembling, it was hard to talk. His chest was slowly living once again, everything he went through the past hours, the kidnapping, the fights, the anxiety of dying, but to be honest, the most terrifying thing was for him to lose his loved ones. He took Porsche's turn in the game because of this, his body was perfectly healthy, he could be a little hurt, it wouldn't open a wound which could already have been infected.
He didn't care about losing his life if Porsche was alive, it was real, he just did it and he just ran into danger and Kim could scold him for this and yet he would understand, Porchay knew that he would. However, the way Kim just took Porsche's place, the way he didn't even think twice to let his life drift away from his own body was freezing his blood. It wasn't like Kim, it wasn't like him, it wasn't something he ever felt coming from the boy. He was absolutely sure that he would have done everything to protect Porchay and he himself would have done the same. But here he felt that Kim was just throwing away his own life, because it was only his own and it wasn't that important.
"I just- I just thought that...I saw it and I thought that Porsche dying would have been...been not liveable for you and..."
"And..." Porchay bent down, putting their forehead together. He had seen something he never had witnessed before, Kim's insecurity, Kim thinking that he might have done something bad when he only ever acted as if he had made something bad but would honour it or even not regret it, but here he still understood his boyfriend's point of view. He looked vulnerable, so small, and if Tankun was here, he could have attest that he had the look, the old look he never got to see again from the day he killed someone for the first time.
Kim had done it easily, he didn't even think much about it but then the doubts came and he began to wonder if it wasn't a mistake. He learnt quickly that killing the enemy would never be a mistake, he didn't have to think anymore about a corpse. A brain was a problem, a body was an obstacle, but a corpse was perfect and not to think about anymore. "Do you think that it can be lievable for me...without you?" His voice broke once more and instead of just asking, Porchay answered. He cupped Kim's face and kissed him, desperately, he kissed with his emotions, he was translating them, he needed him to understand better than with words. Kim hugged his waist, caressing his back and sliding his hands to his hair and neck where he put soft pressure of pleasure.
Kim loved that kiss. Instead of feeling the sadness of Porchay, he was feeling his strong love, he was feeling his tasty lips smelling like his charming heart. He was melting but he was soon reminded of the situation when he felt his tears falling on him too. He made him cry and this, he wouldn't accept it.
"Chay...I am sorry..." Kim whispered when he let go to breath. "I really think that I was...the best option...and-"
"It's my fault too...I...shouldn't have never said that you should be dead to save my brother, I know that I already apologised and that...but I can't stop thinking about the way I said it, the way it resonated in my ears and in yours and the way it might have...have make you do...it..."
"It's not your fault!"
"But it's still the same situation! P'Kim I am so sorry, please...please, just forget that sentence forever, don't let it make you act now, even unconsciously.."
"Chay...shhh..." Kim said, feeling his trembling body. He wouldn't have thought of this if Porchay didn't have pointed it out. He wouldn't have been able to make a link between what he had felt and what he had done. It might be linked, it might have pushed something in him, something making him feel that for Porchay's happiness, he needed to just protect Porsche too, not thinking first that the boy wouldn't have liked it, that he might be as important as Porsche. Kim pulled him against his chest again, whining a small amount when Porchay followed the movement and didn't lower his speed to stop the impact.
"So-sorry..." He pouted, snuggling closer against the boy.
"I love when you make me feel things." Kim giggled a small amount, meeting Porchay's annoyed eyes. "Is it too early for jokes?"
"No..." He finally smiled. "But still, P'Kim, please...you need to get that it's only you...and only Hia...It's not Hia and then you, or you and then Hia...there is no level between you two...not at all...I love you so much, both,...don't try ever again to protect him thinking that it would not be a big lost if you wouldn't survive."
Kim hugged him tighter, kissed his hair before smirking jokingly. "And what will you do if I do it again?"
"Well...I won't let you kiss me...I won't let you touch me...I won't let you snuggle against me..." Porchay added and added, counting on his fingers with a serious face.
"It would be hard to do all of this with a corpse..."
"P'Kim!" Porchay snapped, slapping his head lightly before caressing it to soothe the pain. "You called for that one!" He pouted again, he wanted to be like a child, he wanted to play a little, he had felt too adult the past hours, making too dangerous decisions.
"I love you..." Kim whispered, his voice breaking a small amount. "I am thankful Chay...I love you so much..."
"I love you too...I love you and I will always scold you for not taking care of yourself, always." He poked his nose with his finger before raising his head to kiss him again, again and again, snuggling closer and cuddling, and cuddling for hours and hours.
Kim had no idea how much time he would need to rest, and he knew that it would immediately annoy him but he didn't care now, he clearly couldn't care less when Porchay was kissing him without crying, when Porchay was in his arms and that he could still be alive.
He would have regretted being a corpse. It might be the first time in his life that Kim thought about death this close to himself and that he had the sensation to be scared of it. That bullet was real, that violence was real.
If before he always had acted as if nothing could have touched him, now he felt as if he would have to always fight the universe he had been raised in, because he became more himself and less a part of the walls while falling in love with Porchay.
-
"How much time do I need to wait ?" Gun was being impatient, eyeing Korn who was just playing as the head of the family, until Kinn arrived, and what Kinn had to say to him, he didn't want to welcome it at all.